The Twilight Saga: Eclipse (2010)

  For August, Christy offered me a Sophie's Choice of shitty movies:  Eclipse or The English Patient.  At least Eclipse was shorter.

Is this series over yet?  Jesus.  If possible, this one was more boring than the previous one.  Sparkles McFangface and Chief Runs-Without-a-Shirt are back to bickering over who gets the Little Wooden Doll.  She is apparently worse luck than the tiki idol from The Brady Show since the redheaded vampire from the first movie (now played by Bryce Dallas Howard instead of Rachelle Lefevre) created an army of baby vampires in order to kill her.  Well, about 20, but that's over twice the size of the cast.

Wooden Doll has made up her mind to become a vampire and is pressuring Sparkles to just give it up already, but he doesn't want to do it until they're married all nice and proper-like.  This displeases Chief Smells-Like-Wet-Dog who is convinced that if she just tries a warm-blooded boyfriend, she'll like it.  There's some stupid bullshit in a tent, then Stick Figure makes some truly spectacular leaps in logic (one of the vampires has a flashback to Civil War Texas, where some chick dickmatized him into helping her raise an army of vampires so, of course, it has to be the exact same thing now, which it is because this movie is stupid) and none of the cast dies.  Better luck next time.

Also, that "engagement ring" is freakin' hideous.  It's like a flattened disco ball on her twiggy finger.