The Bounty Hunter (2010)

  Rob and I drove to Delaware for a romantic weekend.  Also, so Rob could visit the home of Dogfish Head Brewery.  Which he assures me is romantic.  I wouldn't know. 

Anyway, after a lovely dinner we went back to our hotel room and settled in for the night.  As you may or may not know, I'm slowly working my way through his server full of movies.  I finished season six of Bones recently and this was next up. 

Ok, I'm just going to say it.  Jennifer Aniston is terrible at being sexy.  She just sucks at it.

Nicole (Aniston) and Milo (Gerard Butler) were married for a hot second before bitterly divorcing.  How bitter was their divorce?  Three years later they're still both butthurt about it.  Nicole is a rising star at a newspaper on the trail of a juicy story when she fails to appear at her court date for an unrelated traffic offense.  Milo is the bounty hunter who is charged with bringing her to jail.  But Nicole is unwilling to give up on this story and drags Milo along with her.

Everything about the two main characters was retarded.  They have no chemistry on screen together and watching them was like nails on a chalkboard.  However.  The supporting cast included Jason Sudeikis as Nicole's semi-stalker co-worker and Christine Baranski as her aging showgirl mother.  Pretty much everyone other than the leads were hilarious. 

I am not a rom-com person so movies like this are not generally fun for me, but I will say that I thought it was pretty funny. 

Rock of Ages (2012)

  I didn't get to see this movie when it was in theaters, even though I had intended to do so.  I like Adam Shankman, despite his role in giving the world Channing Tatum via Step Up.  He makes things fun, even Adam Sandler in Bedtime Stories, which is no mean feat.  

Critically, this movie bombed.  Possibly critics don't understand fun.  My only two complaints with the movie were 1) there wasn't a lot of character development.  People just kind of came on and sang songs.  2)  The songs were so recognizable that Christy and Rob wouldn't (couldn't?) stop singing along, which made it difficult to listen to the actual movie.

Star-dazzled Sherrie (Julianne Hough) steps off the bus in L.A. from Oklahoma and almost immediately gets mugged.  A barback with dreams of rock-godhood from the legendary Bourbon club, Drew (Diego Boneta), feels bad for her so he tries to get her a job with the manager, Dennis Dupree (Alec Baldwin).  Dennis sizes her up within a minute but agrees to hire her anyway, seeing as he has bigger problems on his mind.  Like the fact that his bar is the subject of a witch-hunt by the incumbent mayor (Bryan Cranston) and his wife (Catherine Zeta-Jones) for moral turpitude and he owes back taxes that may see him shut down.  There is one man who can change the Bourbon's fortunes single-handedly, however:  Stacee Jaxx (Tom Cruise), a permanently-wasted rocker about to go solo because his band is tired of his bullshit.  His oleaginous manager (Paul Giamatti) is doing everything he can to keep his cash cow happy without letting him go down in flames. 

When the opening band goes into rehab the night of Stacee's last show, Dennis allows Drew's band, Wolfgang Von Colt, to open.  The manager immediately sees dollar signs.  After a completely predictable misunderstanding, Drew breaks up with Sherrie and signs on with Stacee's manager.  Sherrie ends up stripping at Justice Charlier's (Mary J. Blige, and I seriously had to look up her character's name because I didn't remember them ever using it in the film) club and Paul, the manager, convinces Drew that Rock is over and boy bands are the new thing.  Things reach their pinnacle when Drew's new band, The Z Guyeezz (double the E, double the Z, double the flava!), are booked at The Bourbon as the opening act for Stacee's new solo career...which is news to Stacee, who was passed out at the Chateau Marmont still reeling from an article in Rolling Stone savaging his sell-out ways.

Honestly, the story is basically just an excuse for one set-piece after another and should have nothing to do with your enjoyment of the film.  It's bright, candy-colored Classic Rock and choreography.  That's what your money's for.  I will say, based on the trailers, I did not expect Tom Cruise to have as big a part as he did.  I expected him to do maybe two songs, but he's in damn near every scene.  It's not necessarily a bad thing but it does take away from the main story. 

Overall, a fun Broadway-show-turned-movie. 

From Paris with Love (2010)

  This was a surprisingly decent action flick.  Not much aside from that, but there you go.  Sometimes you just need a little brain candy.

James Reece (Jonathan Rhys Meyers) is an embassy aide in Paris.  What he really wants is to be a CIA field agent.  He's been doing little things, changing license plates and bugging offices, but he's ready to move on to the big leagues.  He finally gets his chance when he is assigned Charlie Wax (John Travolta) as a partner.  Charlie is everything Reece is not:  loud, arrogant, and a card-carrying badass.  They tromp around the City of Light capping fools and carting around a vase full of cocaine.  The action moves fast and escalates into a fairly predictable climax, but doesn't sacrifice having a good time doing it.

Luc Besson wrote the screenplay and produced this film, which makes a lot of sense.  It's very firmly in his wheelhouse.  Meyers tamps down his accent, which flattened out the character a little bit for me.  Travolta is completely over-the-top which, if I'm honest, totally makes this picture.  There's not really much in the way of a supporting cast, not one that lives anyway, but you won't be looking for one because you'll be distracted by all of the car chases, explosions, hookers, and bullets.  So many bullets.

Honestly, this is great to just throw on after a long day of mentally taxing activity when you just need to put your brain into neutral, not rot it entirely. 

Chasing Papi (2003)

  This is one of those rare screwball comedies that I don't hate.  It was recommended to me a long time ago by a friend of mine that I have since lost touch with, so I have some fond nostalgia coloring my perception of it.

Tomas Fuentes (Eduardo Verastegui) is a busy man.  Not only is he a marketing executive under pressure for a new perfume campaign, he's dating three increasingly suspicious women in three different cities across the country.  So when pampered Fifth Avenue princess Patricia (Jaci Velasquez), buttoned-down Chicago anti-discrimination attorney Lorena (Rosalyn Sanchez), and fiery Miami cocktail waitress CiCi (Sofia Vergara) all show up at his L.A. house, he panics and overdosed on prescription tranquilizers and booze.  The three ladies decide to stick around until the cheating Chico wakes up whereupon they will force him to choose between the three of them.  Along the way, however, important life lessons are learned like:  don't judge a person by the length of her skirt or the size of her chichis, how to lie for fun and profit (or at least how to impersonate a beauty queen for a free hotel suite), and the proper method of dealing with a gangster trying to open your Louis Vuitton (lamp to the back). 

Overall, it's a fun inoffensive little movie filled with hot Latin women in very little clothing.

Cabin in the Woods (2011)

  Buy this movie.  See it immediately.  Make all your friends and family watch this movie.  

When this movie was announced, I was not interested in seeing it.  Not even after I heard Chris Hemsworth was going to be in it.  I figured you're contractually obligated to be in a shitty horror movie after you become a star.  Halle Berry in Gothika, Mark Wahlberg in The Happening, hell, even poor Jennifer Lawrence in House at the End of the Street.  It's just part of paying your Hollywood dues. 

Then I heard Joss Whedon wrote it.  Then I started hearing the buzz about it.  Saw the 91% approval rating on Rotten Tomatoes.  And I thought, "I now have to see what all the fuss is about."

This was such an awesome movie.  On the surface, though, it seems really typical.  Five stereotypical college students (the jock, the slut, the stoner, the senistive guy, and the repressed girl) head off to a secluded cabin in the woods for some non-adult-supervised fun.  Same story you've seen about a million times, right?  Then it hits you with the twist.

I'm not going to tell you what it is, since the less you know the more you'll enjoy it when it happens, but I will tell you that the movie as a whole falls way more firmly into Comedy territory than Horror.  The dialogue in particular is freakin' hilarious. 

Whedonites will recognize frequent collaborators like Amy Acker and Fran Kranz from Dollhouse, and film fans should recognize Richard Jenkins from pretty much everything.

Seriously, buy this movie.  I did.

The Spiderwick Chronicles (2008)

  This was Christy's pick after I made her watch the red-band trailer for Sinister.  She demanded that we watch something happy.  If you want a sugary, schmaltzy confection of a movie, this one is for you.

The Grace family has just moved into their crazy great-aunt's old farmhouse.  Jared (Freddie Highmore) is pissed off about moving because he'd rather go live with his dad.  His twin Simon (also Freddie Highmore) and sister Mallory (Sarah Bolger) are more enthusiastic about the prospect.  Jared's bad attitude is barely tolerated until he starts coming up with insane stories of fairies and goblins.  See, Jared found an old dumbwaiter that took him to a sealed off room in the attic where he met a brownie named Thimbletack (Martin Short) and found a book written by the house's previous owner, Arthur Spiderwick (David Strathairn).  The field guide to fairies details the hidden world around him and warns against ever letting the book fall into the hands of Mulgarath the ogre (Nick Nolte).  Jared must convince his family to believe him before the ogre completely destroys their lives.

I had several issues with casting in this movie.  For starters, Sarah Bolger was absolutely terrible.  She was completely lifeless in the role.  Freddie Highmore is not a bad child actor, but there was absolutely no reason for him to be cast as twins.  It's just stupid.  They could have cast identical twins or just written them to be fraternal twins that look similar.  There have been worse adaptations.  Mary Louise Parker and Andrew McCarthy are completely wasted in this movie.  Parker seems like she's playing the same character from Weeds and McCarthy has about a minute total of screen time. 

For a kid's movie, it's not terrible but it's not great either.  I'd say skip it.

Diabolique (1954)

  I finally got a chance to watch this Monday night.  Between Rob's movies, Christy's movies, getting cable again, and season 1 of the X-Files, I've had it out for over a month.

I have to say, it did not disappoint.  I don't think it should be on the Scariest Moments of All Time list, which is not hosted on their webpage but can be found here if you want to see the whole thing.  I have some serious disagreements with the list as a whole but it doesn't give the specific moments from each film that they referenced, so maybe I'm selling it short. 

For a movie that is almost sixty years old, it did a great job of keeping the brooding, dark tone.  The characters are well-realized, the editing is tightly focused, and the dialogued is designed to draw you in with allusion. 

Christina Delassalle (Vera Clouzot) is the wife of a right bastard named Michel (Paul Meurisse), with whome she operates a boy's boarding school.  Although all the money for the school is Christina's, Michel runs it with an iron fist, oppressing everyone inside, and flaunting his mistress Nicole (Simone Signoret) under his wife's nose.  Unfortunately for Michel, his mistress and wife conspire to get rid of his abusive ass.  Luring him to Nicole's place, the two slip him a sedative and drown him in the bathtub.  The plan is to establish their alibi, then dump Michel's body into the swimmiing pool at the school, and wait for someone to discover him.  It's a good plan and it goes off without a hitch...until the body doesn't get found.  Growing desperate, Nicole manufactures a reason to drain the pool only to find that the body is gone.  Wracked with nerves, the two murderesses begin to fall apart.  The screw is tightened when Christina makes the acquaintance of a chatty former police commissioner (Charles Vanel) while at the morgue looking for her husband. 

One of the things I particularly liked about the film was the policeman.  His entire demeanor could be taken as Good Samaritan or Creepy Busybody, depending on your emotional state.  It's masterfully done as a performance and adds a great amount of tension.  The movie also weaves in some supernatural elements, like a little boy who claims to have seen the headmaster walking around the school after both women know that's impossible, but it never takes it too far into that realm, which I appreciated. 

It is French, black and white, and starts slowly so if you have a short attention span you're probably going to want to give it a miss.  If you have a little patience, however, it's well worth your time.

Wolf Creek (2005)

  Yet another horror movie from Christy.  This one she actually owns.  She says she has no problem watching serial killers, she just can't watch any paranormal horror, which is about as far from sense as you can get.

Kristy (Kestie Morassi) and Liz (Cassandra Magrath) are British tourists on a backpacking holiday in Australia.  They travel with their friend Ben (Nathan Phillips) to Wolf Creek Crater, a meteor impact site.  After a nice hike, the trio return to find their car won't start.  Faced with the prospect of a long walk through a country where everything wants to kill them, they are overcome with relief to be rescued by a random outback hillbilly (John Jarratt).  Too bad none of them have ever seen The Texas Chainsaw Massacre or Deliverance.  It's serial killing time!

This isn't a terrible slasher film despite the low budget.  The tone of the film stays grounded and I appreciated the early teases that it might be an alien abduction.  The back of the box synopsis ruled that out but I thought the effort was good.  It strays slightly off-course by making the villain too much of a caricature and by only having three main victims. 

It claims to be based on true events:  the assault of a British tourist and his girlfriend by one guy in 2001 and also the string of Backpacker Murders from the 90's.  Either one of those stories would have been a decent tale to tell and I think that by trying to combine the sensational aspects from both the movie does them a disservice. 

Iron Sky (2012)

  Space Nazis.  I'm not even kidding.  I had read about this movie probably a year or so ago on Twitch.com and thought it sounded hilarious.  Rob agreed and, as soon as it was available, he got it online.  

Holy shit, this is a terrible movie.  Like oh my God terrible. 

In the year 2018, the President of the United States (Stephanie Paul), a woman who is not called Sarah Palin but who is obviously Sarah Palin, is up for re-election.  She attempts to win votes by sending a team of astronauts back to the moon.  Unfortunately, the two stumble across a hidden Nazi base on the dark side of the moon.  One of the astronauts is taken prisoner and interrogated as to whether he is the first wave of shock troops from the Earth.  But it turns out that James Washington (Christopher Kirby) is just a male model hired by the President's PR lady for the publicity of being the first black guy on the moon.  The Moon Nazis have never seen a black person.  Their resident Earthologist, Renate (Julia Dietze), is intrigued but her fiance Klaus (Gotz Otto) is disgusted.  But, in the spirit of charity because that's what Nazis are known for, they decide to "fix" Washington by turning him white.

That's right, people, we are deep into White Chicks territory now.

Washington is less than appreciative of the gift of whiteness but is convinced by Renate to play along for his own safety.  They go back to Earth and Washington takes them to the President's campaign manager, Vivian (Peta Sergeant).  Far from believing that they are actually Nazis from the dark side of the moon because it's laughable, Vivian recruits them as speechwriters for the President's re-election.  Because Nazis love speeches.  Get it?  In the intervening time, Washington has become a crazy hobo.  Renate, fresh from her makeover as a Fascist Fashonista, runs into him on a street corner and attempts to tell him that the People's Party is all about peace and love.  She makes her point by taking him to see what she believes is a ten-minute short film by Charlie Chaplin called The Great Dictator.  Let's just say that the version she was used to was heavily edited. 

Meanwhile, Vivian is trying desperately to see Klaus' little soldier but he will not be swayed from his goal of world domination by something as meaningless as heaving bosoms.  Especially after the Fuhrer (Udo Kier) himself comes down to execute him for treason.  Klaus prevails, killing the one named actor you might have heard of, before flying back to the moon in preparation for a full scale invasion.  We're talking zeppelins towing meteors.  I will say that again.  Zepplins.  In Space.  Towing.  Meteors.  We have reached a point of whatthefuckery that can no longer be measured.

Fortunately, the President is prepared with a suped-up spaceship loaded with nuclear weapons.  She just so happened to have it lying around in case the moon just so happened to have a supply of helium-3 that might need to be defended.  From watching the (far superior) movie Moon, I can tell you that it does.  Renate and Washington also have a dog in this fight as they are trying to shut down the Gotterdammerung super-weapon being powered by Vivian's stolen iPad. 

That is actually a plot point.  I did not make that up.

The whole movie is ridiculously over-the-top and so close to cheesy greatness it could almost touch it.  It falls short by being too on the nose.  A little more subtlty and innuendo would have seen this movie improve by a lightyear.  Instead it crashes and burns...like a zeppelin-towed meteor.

ParaNorman (2012)

Nominated for:  Best Animated Feature    Monday night was date night for me and Rob.  After a lovely dinner, we went to see ParaNorman.  I had wanted to see this since it came out and was worried I was going to miss it in theaters.  Now I think I probably shouldn't have bothered.

Norman (Kodi Smit-McPhee) is a kid with a problem.  He sees and talks to ghosts and his whole town knows it.  Labelled a freak at school and misunderstood by his parents at home, Norman doesn't fit in. Fellow outcast Neill (Tucker Albrizzi), ostrasized for being fat, befriends the lonely boy despite Norman's resistance.  Then his creepy uncle Prendergast (John Goodman) tells him that the town of Blithe Hollow's local legend of a witch cursing her accusers to living death is totally true and that Norman is the only one who can stop it. 

Unfortunately, the dimwit local bully (Christopher Mintz-Plasse) interferes and the dead rise.  Now it's up to Norman and Neil, with some help from Norman's sister Courtney (Anna Kendrick) and Neil's brother Mitch (Casey Affleck) along the way, to save their town from the witch's curse.

For a movie about a kid who talks to the dead, there was almost no interaction with the ghosts that apparently litter this town.  I'm not expecting Odd Thomas levels of interaction but some sort of side plot might have been nice.  I'm a little surprsied by how much critical acclaim it got considering how preachy it is.  Maybe my expectations were too high but this was nowhere near as good as Coraline.  I hope Frankenweenie can pull stop-motion animation out of the nosedive this fall.

The Woman in Black (2012)

  Despite what she now claims, Christy volunteered this movie yesterday.  Under her stipulations, we watched it at 10 a.m. with as much sunlight as I could tolerate.  I settled back in my chair, ready for some Insidious-style riposting and jeers.  It became clear about 20 minutes in, however, that my compatriot would not be joining my mirth.

Y'all, she spent the entire movie hiding her eyes under her blanket and clutching her stuffed animal.  Every time anything creepy happened she would make this "hunh" noise like she just got punched in the solar plexus.  It was almost as distracting as it was hilarious.

Arthur (Daniel Radcliffe) is a young widower with a four-year-old to take care of and mounting debts.  His law firm boss (Roger Allam) warns him that they don't do charity and that Arthur needs to get his ass out to Eel Marsh House and clear out the property so it can be sold as the local solicitor (Tim McMullen) has been less than helpful.  Leaving his son and nanny behind, Arthur catches a train to the Northeast.  People in the town are incredibly unfriendly and over-protective of their kids, mostly because their sprouts just keep dying in bizarre ways.  The villagers do everything short of press-ganging Arthur in an attempt to get him out of there.  Undaunted, he proceeds up to the manor which is in the middle of the marsh and can only be accessed by causeway at low tide.  Creepy things happen around him but he manages to brush them off.  Then, one of the local children drinks a bottle of lye and another one sets herself on fire, which suddenly makes that whole "thought I saw a woman in black standng out in the mist" thing a lot more tangible.  Arthur starts to unravel the mystery but will he be in time to save his own son?

As ghost stories go, I will give this one top marks for atmosphere.  It sets a great tone without being in-your-face.  The creature effects are nicely done with some genuinely creepy imagery.  Plotwise, however, there are a lot of unanswered questions and Daniel Radcliffe felt incredibly wooden in the role.  Ultimately, that demoted this from a movie I would own but it was still fun to watch.  I'm choosing to interpret Christy's whimpering and fear-sweat as marks of enjoyment. 

From what I understand, they are hard at work on a sequel, titled The Woman in Black:  Angels of Death that is due out in 2014.  Given how close they were to greatness here, I will give them a repeat shot when that comes out.

21 Jump Street (2012)

  Rob and Christy conspired against me and forced me to watch this movie.  As many of you know, I hate, loathe, and despise Channing Tatum as an actor.  Jonah Hill isn't high on my list of favorites either.

When I heard that they were making a movie based on the old 80's show 21 Jump Street, I wasn't even mildly interested.  I never saw the show and I didn't care about the property.  When I heard they cast the two male leads, I was even less interested.  I figured it would be a total flop and then quietly fade into the ether.  I was not prepared for the glowing critical reception.  Everyone said that this movie was a suprise comic smash, one of the biggest sleeper hits of the year. 

They were wrong.  Completely and utterly wrong.  I laughed precisely one time.  Once.  And it wasn't even an appropriate time to laugh.  **SPOILER ALERT** (It was when the two bikers reveal themselves to be, not just undercover DEA agents, but also undercover DEA agents played by Johnny Depp and Peter DeLouise from the original show and then Johnny Depp gets shot in the neck and dies.)  **END SPOILER**  That one part I found hilarious because it straight-up blindsided me but that doesn't make up for the rest of the movie.

Schmidt (Jonah Hill) was a high school loser in 1995.  He grows up to become a cop, possibly to fulfill some deep-seated need for respect, but almost immediately runs into his old high school tormentor Jenko (Channing Tatum), who is also becoming a cop, probably because he knows no one will take him seriously otherwise.  One is smart but bad at phsyical fitness and the other is stupid but a jock.  They band together and manage to graduate, thinking that from then on it will be all Miami Vice style car chases and drug busts.  Instead, they are bicycle cops at a park, and shitty ones at that.

One day, they spy a group of bikers from the 1% motorcycle gang smoking a joint.  Instead of calling for backup, they attempt to make the bust themselves.  They take down the leader but he is almost immediately released because Channing Tatum's moron character couldn't remember the Miranda rights.  Their chief (Nick Offerman) reassigns them to a recently revived high school undercover operation based out of a Korean church on Jump Street.  He makes what I am sure were supposed to be subtle clever references to the fact that the program was a reboot from the 80s that everyone thought wouldn't work wink wink nudge nudge.  D'ya get it?  It's just like the movie, because it's a reboot from the 80's!  They're so clever!

Under the command of Cpt Dickson (Ice Cube), the two nitwits infiltrate a high school where a new synthetic drug has been created.  Unfortunately, high school has completely changed in the 7 years they've been away.  Environmentalism and social consciousness are in, beating up nerds is out.  Jenko is completely out of his depth and finds himself hanging with the science geeks while Schmidt is adopted by the cool kids, led by douchenozzle Eric (Dave Franco, James Franco's little brother).  Of course Eric is running the drugs but the two mall cop rejects need to find out his supplier.  Meanwhile, their friendship is put to the test when Jenko overhears Schmidt badmouthing him to appear cooler to his douchey new friends.  Just like in every other high school movie ever.  They have a huge fight during a production of Peter Pan and both of them get expelled and subsequently fired by Ice Cube.

Of course, that only makes them more determined to track down the supplier.  To this end, they get dressed up, buy a box of live doves, and hire hookers to be prom dates for the science geeks.  Like The Girl Next Door only derivitive and not funny. 

I have never been a fan of what I call frat-boy humor.  It takes a very special film to make that kind of juvenile humor funny to me like Detroit Rock City, Fired Up, or Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle.  I don't know why those three make the cut, but they do.  Christy and Rob seemed to enjoy it for what it was so maybe you will too, but I saw nothing here that changed my mind about any of the actors in it.

Battleship (2012)

  I chose this poster so that I could pretend this was actually a HALO movie, not a Hasbro one.

Rob and Christy don't like me very much.  I've come to this determination after Rob chose this monstrosity for his movie pick of the week.  Maybe he was just trying to outdo Christy's Breaking Dawn trainwreck.  Who can say? 

This movie is awful.  It just skimps out on so-awful-it's-good, though.  A little more camp and it could have been a great guilty pleasure but it just doesn't measure up. 

In 2006, scientists started bouncing radio waves at a distant earth-like planet.  Alex Hopper (Taylor Kitsch) is a loser who gets tazed trying to get the girl of his dreams (Brooklyn Decker) a chicken burrito.  Pissed, his brother Stone (Alexander Skarsgaard) orders him to join the Navy.  Because that works. 

Well, after six years of us metaphorically leaning on their doorbell, aliens show up off the coast of Hawaii and crash into the Pacific.  Alex and his brother are still there, because no one ever moves in the Navy, happily engaging in a soccer game with the Japanese during RIMPAC.  Alex is trying to find a way to ask Dream Girl's scary admiral dad (Liam Neeson) for her hand, because of course he totally wound up with her after getting tazed on her behalf ladies love that, but he keeps fucking up spectacularly. 

The aliens set up a perimeter force field that encompasses the entire main chian of Hawaiian islands, dividing five ships with main characters on them from the rest of the fleet.  Alex does pretty much everything he can to antagonize the aliens.  One can only assume he is actually a mole for them, so ready is he to sacrifice the lives of all the other humans inside the force field.  A less suicidal Chief (John Tui) finally convinces him to stop being a douche.  The aliens immediately ignore the ship as a non-combatant, which would lead you to believe that maybe they're not genocidal, they just got off on the wrong foot.  Oh, but no, using an old Independence Day trick, a captured alien turns out to be about 99% less dead than previously thought and confirms that they want nothing less than the total destruction of the Earth by passing along a psychic message to Alex while grabbing him by the skull and screaming a lot.  Typical.

Some stunning leaps of logic later, the humans have learned that the aliens' eyes are sensitive to sunlight and that their ships don't show up on radar.  The Japanese commander (Tadanobu Asano) devises a plan to use the water displacement from tsunami buoys to guess where the aliens will be.  This is the most beautiful justification for calling out grid squares (a la the titular board game) I have ever heard.  That doesn't make it any less retarded, though. 

Honestly, this was a shitty film that the director did so he could afford to do the movie he really wanted, a SEAL drama called Lone Survivor.  I'm not even gong to hate on him for that.  I'm sure people have done worse for a paycheck.  What I would have liked to have seen, however, is the aliens' side to this story.  Hell, for all we know, that radio signal could have been saying YARD SALE in their language.  Then they come here looking for some Antiques Roadshow kind of finds, lose their communications ship due to a carelessly placed satellite, and are just trying to call someone to come pick them up.  Then they're attacked by humans, like fire ants defending a nest.  But no matter how many ants you squish, you're eventually going to get swarmed and die alone, milliions of miles away from your planet and loved ones.  That's some tragic and compelling shit right there.  Someone make that movie.  I could win an Oscar. 

The Book of Eli (2010)

  I can't believe I've never posted a review of this movie.  I thought I had written one after I saw it in the theater, but apparently not.  Oh well.

Eli (Denzel Washington) is a mysterious drifter in a post-apocalyptic wasteland.  After wandering into town to charge his iPod, Eli draws the notice of Head Honcho Carnegie (Gary Oldman).  Carnegie is always on the lookout for books, one in particular with the power to turn men into slaves.  Eli is in possession of such a book but will not part with it for money nor love, even when the latter is being offered by Carnegie's indentured servent Solara (Mila Kunis).  He has a sacred mission to take the book west, where it will be cared for. 

The nuclear wasteland is very nicely realized here, with much thought and care devoted to the various types of survivors.  I would have been okay with just that kind of Mad Max story but I found myself annoyed by the importance given to the book.  **SPOILER ALERT** (It's a Bible.)  I thought it was pandering at best.  At worst, it spoke to an agenda I didn't share.

I love seeing Denzel as a knife-wielding badass but it was nice to see Mila Kunis branch out and try some new things.  Of course, now after Black Swan, no one doubts her as a talent but back in January 2010, she was still just Jackie from That 70's Show to me. 

Spartacus (1960)

Happy Labor Day!  Here's a movie about slaves.    I had never seen this movie before Tuesday night.  It was listed under Netflix's categories as an Epic and it really lived up to the title.  Clocking in at 3 and a quarter hours, this is not a movie for casual viewing.  It's good, though.  A classic.

Spartacus (Kirk Douglas) was born into slavery and sold to work in the salt mines of Libya at 13.  He grew up angry and resentful of his Roman masters and eventually was sold to Batiatus (Peter Ustinov) to be trained as a gladiator.  Despite the casual cruelty of his profession, Batiatus ran the most well-respected gladitorial academy in Italy and the students are treated like top athletes.  There, Spartacus meets Varinia (Jean Simmons), a beautiful slave girl.  All too soon, however, some Roman nobles show up to ruin everything.  Crassus (Laurence Olivier), his new brother-in-law Glabrus (John Dall), and their wives (Nina Foch and Joanna Barnes) are in the mood to celebrate with some fights to the death despite Batiatus' protests that it's bad for morale.  The fighters are chosen, Spartacus among them, and then brought out in pairs to fight.  Meanwhile, Crassus spots Varinia and buys her on the spot.  Spartacus loses the match, but is spared when his opponent goes all "Are you not entertained?!" on the spectators and gets killed by Crassus.  After that little kerfuffle, all it takes is one more little push and Spartacus starts a full-blown insurrection, freeing slaves across the countryside.  Rome's Senate, led by Senator Gracchus (Charles Laughton), is all for just letting them get the hell out of the country but Crassus smells an opportunity.

I think pretty much everyone should be familiar with this story, but in case you're not I won't spoil it.  It's a good story that is elevated by some excellent actors.  Also, directed by Stanley Kubrick.  Not exactly chump change there.  It won four Oscars out of the six it was nominated for, including Best Supporting Actor for Peter Ustinov.  Unsuprisingly, since he steals every scene that he's in with his weaselly, whiny, cowardice.  Immensely talented, he also played the voice of Prince John in Disney's animated Robin Hood.

The Lost Boys (1987)

  Rob had never seen this movie.  I'll give you a second to pick your jaw up from the floor.

It's more proof that he didn't have family or friends that loved him. 

Anyway, he wanted to watch The Hunger Games but it turns out that he doesn't actually own The Hunger Games and the next movie he really wants to buy is The Avengers, which doesn't come out for another month.  So I told him to just grab the first movie off the shelf that he hasn't seen before and he picked this one.

Honestly, it doesn't hold up as well as some movies.  It's very much stuck in that adolescent/teenage era where you have to learn to fend for yourself.  Also, it's incredibly 80's.  Like just insanely 80's.

Michael (Jason Patric) and Sam (Corey Haim) accompany their mother Lucy (Dianne Weist) to Santa Carla, California after her divorce.  Almost immedately bored with the town's kitschy/creepy boardwalk, the teenaged Michael starts stalking some chieck he sees.  Unfortunately, she is tight with a crew of biker dudes led by David (Keifer Sutherland).  David and his crew think that Michael has what it takes to join them as creatures of the night.  Sam, however, is not on board with this plan and recruits the Frog brothers (Corey Feldman and Jamison Newlander) to help him destroy the head vampire and return his brothe to the land of the living.

It's still a classic of the genre, but honestly, the best thiing about this movie is the soundtrack.  It's badass. 

Fido (2006)

  This is one of the best zombie comedies ever made.  It is a crime that it is not talked about as much as some of the others.  It is Pleasantville meets Shaun of the Dead.  If that doesn't pique your interest, then we are not the friends I thought we were.

Beginning with a black and white informational film, we learn that a meteor crashed to Earth and released space radiation that caused the dead to come back to life.  In the aftermath of the Zombie War, a scientist invents a pacification collar, turning the flesh-hungry monsters into docile laborers.  Thus, we are introduced to Timmy Robinson (Kesun Loder), a lonely shy boy who lives on an otherwise unremarkable street.  His mother (Carrie-Ann Moss), tired of being the only house on the block without a zombie servant, buys one to impress the neighbors despite Timmy's father's (Dylan Baker) phobia of the creatures.  Fido (Billy Connolly) and Timmy become fast friends after Fido steps in and terrorizes some bullies, but their friendship is jeopardized when Fido's collar malfunctions and he eats a neighbor (Mary Black).  Now, amidst a zombie outbreak, Timmy and Fido must find a way to stay low-profile and under the radar of Zomcom's Head of Security (Henry Czerny).

It is a brilliantly-executed concept that pops with color.  Carrie-Ann Moss is hilarious as the prim, 50's-style housewife.  If you've only ever seen her as Trinity from The Matrix, it will blow your socks off. Billy Connolly is better known from Head of the Class back in the 90's and most recently, as the dad, Fergus, in Brave.  He is almost unrecognizable here as he communicates exclusively through facial expressions and growls.  It is awesome. 

This movie has been a little hard to track down physically, but it's on Streaming from Netflix so there's really no excuse not to watch it immediately.