Million Dollar Baby (2004)

  Aw, God, why do I do this to myself?

This is seriously one of the most depressing movies I've ever seen.  I think it beats out Sophie's Choice to be in my top 5.  I would absolutely hate it if it weren't so damn good.

The first time I saw it, I remember going cold at the pivotal moment like it was actually happening before my eyes.  I thought I was going to be sick.  This was my second viewing and it went a little better.  Mostly because I was cleaning and I found excuses to be out of the room when the worst parts were being shown.

I'm not a sports person.  Shocker, right?  I'm not team-oriented or competitive by nature; neither do I feel a particular affinity for a geographical location and thereby that place's team.  I just don't care.  That being said, I do enjoy some sports movies.  A League of Their Own was one of my favorites as a kid, as was Ladybugs (don't judge), I own Seabiscuit, and I've seen Rudy.  I didn't like it, but I saw it.  Based solely on the representative movies, I'd say that I like baseball, horse racing, soccer, and boxing.  No doubt someone will claim that is a shallow and specious determination but fuck 'em.  If somebody makes an awesome lacrosse movie, I'll totally watch it.

I'm not counting martial arts movies as sports movies because I am a HUGE fan of those and I'm pretty sure that would skew the results.

Bad Taste (1988)

  Happy New Year's Eve, everyone!  Here's to 2011!  I was supposed to be in Vegas this weekend with my friend, Bri, but she got pneumonia so I'm here in my apartment cleaning like a madman.  I don't know if this will be my only post for the night, you'll just have to wait and see.

Normally, I get two Netflix movies at a time, but I forgot to drop one of them in the mail so I won't get a replacement til Monday.  Why no post about that one?  It was Billy Jack and not worth the time it takes to write about.  Honestly, I hated it so much I didn't even want to make fun of it.

Bad Taste is indeed directed by Peter "Lord of Middle Earth" Jackson.  Before he was the Hobbit guy, he specialized in gory horror-comedy schlock.  There's Bad Taste, Dead Alive (a personal favorite), and Meet the Feebles (currently unavailable on Netflix).  Those are the only ones I've come across but if you know any others, drop me a comment about it.

This one concerns a secret government cell of operatives against a group of aliens who have come to New Zealand in order to harvest human meat for interstellar fast food.  No, really.  That's the plot.

The whole thing looks very film-school-no-one-is-getting-paid-in-anything-but-experience.  Much like Killer Klowns, the actors are easily the most amateur thing about the movie.  The special effects aren't really that bad, better than some SyFy Originals, and the tone is tongue-in-cheek throughout, saving the movie from the sin of taking itself too seriously.  It was like everybody knew it was going to be crap, but they all decided to do their best and make it entertaining crap.  I have to admit, I'm judging it by Dead Alive standards and it falls pretty short, but not a terrible film.  Better than Billy Jack.

True Grit (2010)

  I probably saw the original True Grit starring John Wayne.  My dad's father is a big fan.  He even has a framed painting of The Duke on the screened-in porch.  So chances are good I saw it at some point during my formative years while visiting them over the summer.  I don't remember anything, but that's probably for the best.  There's nothing worse than seeing a movie and thinking "the original was so much better". 

I want to take a moment and talk to the Coen Brothers.  Joel and Ethan, I was one of the (probably) millions of people who wanted to string you both up by the shoelaces and beat you mercilessly with a cattle prod because of the non-ending to No Country for Old Men.  That movie was a total waste of time; I don't care what the Academy said.  Best Picture, my lily-white ass.  But I digress.  I know people (again, probably) sent you death threats when you told them you guys were remaking True Grit, but you pressed on.  And guess what?  It totally worked this time.  You guys pulled it off!  Good job!  You're not getting an Oscar for it because, let's get fucking real here, you're going up against Toy Story 3, Inception, and Black Swan for this year's Best Picture.  But you both got statues for No Country, right?  Scratch off the name on one of them and have True Grit chiseled on instead.  Any other year, you'd probably have it in the bag.  You've got a plucky little girl, three previous Academy Award-winning/nominated actors, and the best landscape cinematography since Fargo. 

Granted, Josh Brolin probably owed you money and Matt Damon's kind of creepy and stilted but Jeff Bridges worked his ass off for you guys.  Send him a gift basket or something.  And finding Hailee Steinfeld was a stroke of absolute good luck.  Without her, the whole shebang falls apart. 

Again, good job Coen Brothers!  Keep that bar high and try not to make movies that suck.

TRON Legacy (2010)

Lucy's Note:  This was supposed to have been posted yesterday.  Unfortunately, real life intervened.  My apologies for the delay.

  Merry Christmas, everyone!  What better way to celebrate Christmas than with sci-fi?  A digital wonderland, if you will.

**WARNING:  SPOILERS BY ANALOGY**

This is a loose sequel to TRON, so they tell me.  I wouldn't know.  The original movie came out in what?  82?  Seeing as that's the year I was born, I wasn't really interested in the theater experience.  Thanks to the magic of Netflix, I have it saved in my queue so whenever it's released (I'm thinking Disney box set somewhere around Memorial Day) it'll pop right in.

So I walked in cold and I gotta tell you, it did feel like a sequel... but the good kind.  Ok, I'll just go ahead and say it:  This was the Star Wars sequel I'd been waiting for.  Given that just making that analogy tells you everything you need to know about the film, I'm not going to really go into detail.  But seriously.  Star Wars.

** END ANALOGOUS SPOILER**

The movie is pretty good on its own merits.  It hits the uncanny valley at full speed, though, and that's creepy.  The uncanny valley, for all you non-nerd types that found your way here accidentally while searching for pictures of Halle Berry, is the theory that people like robots until they look almost human.  Then a kind of species repulsion kicks in and we reject the simulation.  Also, if they move around it's much worse.

De-aged Jeff Bridges is possibly the creepiest CGI I have seen in a while.  I know that part of it was done on purpose (at least, I hope it was) but the piece at the beginning that's set around 1988 is just unsettling.  Like I said in the spoiler part, I didn't see the original movie, so I don't know the backstory but here's the run-down of the new one:

Sam Flynn is the son of TRON designer Kevin Flynn, who disappears when he is about 5 years old.  He grows up a bit like Bruce Wayne:   rich, bored, and with a chip on his shoulder toward authority figures. Then one day, his dad's old partner shows up and says he got a page (kids, you'll have to Google 'pager') from a number that's been disconnected for 20 years down at Kevin Flynn's arcade (Ditto here).  So Sam goes to the arcade, finds the secret underground lair office, fucks around with the controls, and accidentally beams himself into the digital world.  Ta da!

Once there, he gets picked up for being a rogue program and dumped into a gladiatorial fight with light discs.  After he acquits himself well, mostly through dumb luck, he gets to meet the head honcho Clu...a de-aged digital copy of his father.  Ew.  Bonus:  his faithful crony/henchman is Franklin Mott from TrueBlood!  So Clu orders him to death by lightcycle race and he gets rescued by Qora, a hottie in black latex and taken to see his dad, Old Jeff Bridges, who has been trapped there since the 80's.  Adventures happen.

Visually, the movie is outstanding.  The CGI (with the exception of Clu) is absolutely amazing.  I'm really quite excited by that since I remember the days when you could see every single effect that was added by computer.  To have progressed to the point where it is completely seamless is truly extraordinary.

Extra Secret Bonus Round:  Keep your eyes peeled for an uncredited Cillian Murphy too!

All That Jazz (1979)

Merry Solstice, everyone!  I know I technically missed my post deadline (self-imposed, of course) by about 38 minutes at time of typing but I wanted to wait.  I'm not a very good pagan, but I do so love a holiday.  It's a full moon, in an hour an eclipse will begin, and it's about 17 degrees outside.  But you don't really care for any of that; you're here for the movies.

  This continues my Netflix trend of grittily depressing 70's movies.  This one is a fantastical autobiographical musical co-written and directed by Bob Fosse.

Did you ever play the game where you think of which dead celebrities you'd invite to a dinner party if you could?  No?  That's because most people are fucking boring and would only pick Marilyn Monroe or Hitler.  But let's leave that aside and consider:  you're having a party.  Time, space, and language are not an issue.  The doorbell rings.  In walks Bob Fosse, arm in arm with the Earl of Rochester, already drunk, chain-smoking, and singing something that would make you blush.  Now that's a party.

All That Jazz is based around the time Fosse was trying to edit a movie and choreograph a Broadway show at the same time and ended up giving himself a heart attack.  It is very cynical, sometimes funny, and superbly well-acted.  Roy "Jaws" Schneider plays the speed-popping perfectionist, Joe Gideon, with a weary, self-deprecating charm.  He knows his life is shit and that it's mostly his fault, but there's a twinkle in his eye that says "Eh, what am I going to do?  Cry about it?"

Ann Reinking, Fosse's real-life girlfriend, had to audition for the part of Gideon's girlfriend.  That pretty much sums up everything you need to know about the man.

Most of the movie is him trying to explain --justify-- his life to the Angel of Death that's waiting for him. She's played by Jessica Lange.  There are interspersed scenes of the movie he's editing, The Stand-Up, about a failing comedian trying to make a come-back.  Most of the monologue deals with the 5 Stages of Death, which was a bit heavy-handed for me in the foreshadowing department.  That's really the only criticism I have for the movie from a technical stand-point.

Sex and death are threads running through the whole film.  The monologue about death cuts over to a dance number for the airline musical that goes from family-friendly to...not... in about half a minute.  Keep your eyes peeled for Sandahl Bergman, yeah, that's right, "Do you want to live forever?" from Conan the Barbarian.  If you need a little help spotting her, she's the one writhing topless on the scaffolding.

Now you see why I think Fosse and Rochester would be best buddies in the afterlife?

Incidentally, the movie-within-a-movie was based on Lenny, a Dustin Hoffman vehicle that was nominated for 6 Academy Awards and the musical-within-a-movie was based on Chicago, which was nominated for 13 Academy Awards and won 6 as a movie, and won 6 Tony Awards as a revival under the choreography of Ann Reinking "in the style of Bob Fosse".

The Matrix Reloaded (2003)

  Remember back in 2003 before this movie came out?  Remember that feeling of anticipation?  That sense of barely holding the excitement in check?  Then seeing the movie and feeling that horrible betrayal but not knowing just how bad it was going to get because the third one hadn't come out and punched your hope to death yet?

Yeah.

It's hard for me to separate all that out and just watch the movie on its own merits, few that they might be.  It tried, though.  It added new cool characters like Jada Pinkett-Smith to help the good guys, morally neutral parties like Monica Bellucci to move the plot along, and interesting-looking bad guys like the Ghost Twins for the audience to go "ooooh" over.

But like most sequels, it fell into the trap of too much.  Too much Hugo Weaving, for one thing.  Agent Smith made for an awesome bad guy in the first movie and the thought of him unplugged and ungoverned by protocol was pretty appetizing.  But 600 copies of him running around and trying to body-slam Keanu Reeves?  That's just fucking boring.  Especially since nobody ever got hurt.  Tell me it wouldn't have been better if, when the clones got hit, they took physical damage, even crumpled, littering the ground like discarded newspaper pages.  You can't, can you?

Why do I own the movie if I don't like it?  Well, sometimes it's important to see where things went wrong.  It makes you appreciate when movies are done right.

Easy Rider (1969)

  Well, at least nobody committed suicide this time.  Jesus this movie was depressing.  Not quite City of God depressing, but still.  And I will fully admit, I didn't get it.  I wasn't alive in the 60's (or 70's), so I have no contextual reference.  I've never been interested in the counterculture movement so I don't relate to the drug use.  Everything just seemed pointless and arbitrary.  Maybe Dennis Hopper (may he rest in peace) was going for that in a philosophical nihilistic sense, that life is meaningless except for the relationships formed with the people around you, but I'm just spitballing.

I will say the scene where Hopper, Fonda, and Nicholson are sitting around the fire smoking a joint and talking about UFOs reminds me of the horrible house parties I attended in high school.  Here's how much of a nerd/square I am:  I would get up and leave the room if someone lit up.  Not because I have a moral objection to marijuana.  I don't.  If you want to do it, knock yourself out.  I would leave because I thought it smelled disgusting and it gave me a headache.

Really, the only thing that kept me going were the cameos.  Phil Spector has no speaking part, but he's the dude in the Rolls buying coke from Dennis Hopper and Peter Fonda.  And Toni "Oh Mickey, you're so fine" Basil plays a prostitute named Mary.

And let's not forget that Jack Nicholson won an Academy Award for Best Supporting Actor for his role as the alcoholic lawyer.  He is easily the most accessible character.
Oh, and it has a seriously bitchin' soundtrack.

Tango & Cash (1989)

   I saw this movie about a week ago when I was home sick.  It's one of the few from the time period that I had actually seen before, probably as a rerun on cable when I was a kid. 

This is probably one of the first movies to start the 90's trend of favoring witty one-liners over believable effects.  Stallone and Russell both toss off these bons mots with complete aplomb, regardless whether pushing someone into a set of electrical transformers or debating the merits of dating a partner's sister.  Forget the LAPD!  Someone needs to get these two to Laugh-In!

Ray Tango and Gabriel Cash are two super-cops from opposite ends of Los Angeles.  They spend their days catching coke runners and trying to one-up each other in the papers, blissfully unaware that both their major drug kingpins actually work for even bigger kingpin Jack Palance.  It's 1989 so one can only assume that Jack is trying to consolidate his power base before he moves to Gotham City where he will help create The Joker 1.0 out of Jack Nicholson.  Obviously, these two cops are interfering with this dream so instead of having them shot in the face, Palance orchestrates a frame job and sends the Buddy Cop Odd Couple to jail. 

Hijinks ensue, including a weird psuedo-strip dance number by a young, sparkly-Maidenform-clad Teri Hatcher.

You thought I was kidding, didn't you? 

Frankly, the plot is more nonsensical than some drugstore comics I have seen but the quips are still pretty funny which elevates this piece of dreckitude from the rest of the heap.  Plus it's nice to see young Kurt Russell in a white henley and pre-mid-life-crisis-HGH-abuse Stallone in Armani.  Mmm, late-80's man-meat.

Golden Globes Nominations 2010

Ho ho ho!  Tis the Season...for shiny gold statues to be handed out!  The Golden Globe nominations are like the Advent Calendar for the Oscars, a way to count down until the big event.  Of course, awards get handed out year round at various festivals, the Golden Lions for Venice, the Palme d'Or at Cannes, but like foreign holidays, we in the States just don't pay much attention.  Let's get to it, shall we? 

BEST MOTION PICTURE, DRAMA
Black Swan
The Fighter
Inception 
The King’s Speech
The Social Network

None of these are really a surprise since these are the movies that everyone has been talking about.  The Social Network is probably going to win, but I'm holding out for Inception...since it's the only one I've seen so far.  I seriously debated linking all the posts that I've already seen since I know I'm going to link most of the same damn ones for my Oscar nomination post but fuck it, I want the pageviews.

BEST MOTION PICTURE, COMEDY
Alice in Wonderland
Burlesque
The Kids Are All Right
Red
The Tourist

I'm actually quite pleased that I've seen all of these except for The Kids Are All Right.  I'll probably end up seeing that one as well because it'll end up on the Oscar Noms but I'm not stressing it.

ACTOR, DRAMA
Jesse Eisenberg, The Social Network
Colin Firth, The King’s Speech
James Franco, 127 Hours 
Ryan Gosling, Blue Valentine 
Mark Wahlberg, The Fighter

ACTRESS, DRAMA
Halle Berry, Frankie and Alice 
Nicole Kidman, Rabbit Hole 
Jennifer Lawrence, Winter’s Bone
Natalie Portman, Black Swan
Michelle Williams, Blue Valentine

Can you tell I'm not a big Drama fan?  I don't even want to speculate on who's going to win because it'll be boring.  Jesse Eisenberg for Best Actor and probably Halle Berry for whatever the hell she was in that I've never heard of.

ACTOR, COMEDY OR MUSICAL
Johnny Depp, Alice in Wonderland
Johnny Depp, The Tourist
Paul Giamatti, Barney’s Version
 Jake Gyllenhaal, Love and Other Drugs 
Kevin Spacey, Casino Jack

I think Johnny Depp is going to take this one.  He does have twice as much of a shot but I don't think The Tourist will work in his favor.  Apparently no one liked it but me.

ACTRESS, COMEDY OR MUSICAL
Annette Bening, The Kids Are All Right
Anne Hathaway, Love and Other Drugs
Angelina Jolie, The Tourist
Julianne Moore, The Kids Are All Right
Emma Stone, Easy A

I'd like to see Emma Stone win this but it'll probably go to either Annette Benning or Julianne Moore.

SUPPORTING ACTOR
Christian Bale, The Fighter
Michael Douglas, Wall Street 2: Money Never Sleeps
Andrew Garfield, The Social Network
Jeremy Renner, The Town
Geoffrey Rush, The King’s Speech

Is it cynical of me to guess Michael Douglas because he almost died this year?

SUPPORTING ACTRESS
Amy Adams, The Fighter
Helena Bonham Carter, The King’s Speech
Mila Kunis, Black Swan
Jacki Weaver, Animal Kingdom
Melissa Leo, The Fighter

I didn't see any of these so I have no idea who to root for but I'll say Mila Kunis because I loved her in That 70's Show.

DIRECTOR
Darren Aronovsky, Black Swan
David Fincher, The Social Network
Tom Hooper, The King’s Speech
Christopher Nolan, Inception
David O. Russell, The Fighter

Nolan, hands down. 

SCREENPLAY
Danny Boyle and Simon Beaufoy, 127 Hours
Lisa Cholodenko and Stuart Blumberg, The Kids Are All Right
Christopher Nolan, Inception
David Seidler, The King’s Speech
Aaron Sorkin, The Social Network

I think they'll give this one to Danny Boyle and Simon Beaufoy, probably to make up for something else.

FOREIGN LANGUAGE FILM
Biuitiful
The Concert
The Edge
I Am Love
In a Better World

No freakin' idea on these.  One's got Tilda Swinton and one's got Javier Bardem and the other three I haven't even heard of.  Based on that:  Biutiful because everyone loves some Javier.

ANIMATED FEATURE FILM
Despicable Me
How to Train Your Dragon
The Illusionist
Tangled
Toy Story 3

TS3, no contest. 

BEST ORIGINAL SCORE
Alexandre Desplat, The King’s Speech
Danny Elfman, Alice in Wonderland
A.R. Rahman, 127 Hours
Trent Reznor and Atticus Ross, The Social Network
Hans Zimmer, Inception

BEST ORIGINAL SONG
“Bound to You,” Burlesque
“Coming Home,” Country Strong
“I See the Light,” Tangled
“There’s A Place For Us,” Chronicles of Narnia: Voyage of the Dawn Treader
“You Haven’t Seen The Last of Me,” Burlesque

Don't ask me about scores, because I never pay attention.  Probably Inception just for the BWAAAAAM noises.  As for original song, "You Haven't Seen the Last of Me" was Cher's ballad.  Loved it.

TELEVISION SERIES, DRAMA
Boardwalk Empire
Dexter
The Good Wife
Mad Men
The Walking Dead

TV is a bit harder a category for me.  I tend to like the shows I like and I just don't have time (even with a DVR) to watch as much as I apparently need.  The Good Wife started to bore me halfway through the last season so I stopped watching.  Ditto with Boardwalk Empire.  I still have a couple of episodes of Dexter to watch but I'm not holding out hope for a season finale like last year's.  As for the other two, I missed out on the first season/episode so I never started.

ACTRESS IN A TELEVISION SERIES, DRAMA
Julianna Marguiles, “The Good Wife”
Elisabeth Moss, “Mad Men”
Piper Perabo, “Covert Affairs”
Katey Sagal, “Sons of Anarchy”
Kyra Sedgwick. “Closer”

ACTOR IN A TELEVISION SERIES, DRAMA
Steve Buscemi, “Boardwalk Empire”
Bryan Cranston, Breaking Bad”
Michael C. Hall, “Dexter”
Jon Hamm, “Mad Men”
Hugh Laurie, “House”

TELEVISION SERIES, COMEDY OR MUSICAL
30 Rock
The Big Bang Theory
The Big C
Glee
Modern Family
Nurse Jackie

I'm even worse on this one.  The only show I watch here is Glee.  But I hope it wins every award it's up for.

ACTRESS IN A TELEVISION SERIES, COMEDY OR MUSICAL
Toni Collette, “The United States of Tara”
Edie Falco, “Nurse Jackie”
Tina Fey, “30 Rock”
Laura Linney, “The Big C”
Lea Michele, “Glee.”

ACTOR IN A TELEVISION SERIES, COMEDY OR MUSICAL
Alec Baldwin, “30 Rock”
Steve Carell, “The Office”
Thomas Jane, “Hung”
Matthew Morrison, “Glee”
Jim Parsons, “Big Bang Theory”

Is Hung still on the air?  I thought that show got cancelled...

MINISERIES OR MOTION PICTURE MADE FOR TELEVISION
“Carlos”
“The Pacific”
“Temple Grandin”
“You Don’t Know Jack”
“Pillars of the Earth”

ACTRESS IN A MINISERIES OR MOTION PICTURE MADE FOR TELEVISION
Hayley Atwell, “Pillars of the Earth”
Claire Danes, “Temle Grandin”
Judi Dench, “Return to Cranford”
Romola Garai, “Emma”
Jennier Love Hewitt, “The Client List”

ACTOR IN A MINISERIES OR MOTION PICTURE MADE FOR TELEVISION
Idris Elba, “Luther”
Ian MacShane, “PIllars of the Earth”
Al Pacino, “You Don’t Know Jack”
Dennis Quaid, “The Special Relationship”
Edgar Ramirez, “Carlos”

ACTRESS IN A SUPPORTING ROLE IN A SERIES, MINISERIES OR MOTION PICTURE MADE FOR TELEVISION
Hope Davis, “The Special Relationship”
Jane Lynch, “Glee”
Kelly MacDonald, “Boardwalk Empire”
Julia Stiles, “Dexter”
Sofia Vergara, “Modern Family”

ACTOR IN A SUPPORTING ROLE IN A SERIES, MINISERIES OR MOTION PICTURE MADE FOR TELEVISION
Scott Caan, “Hawaii Five-0”
Chris Colfer, “Glee”
Chris Noth, “The Good Wife”
Eric Stonestreet, “Modern Family”
David Straithern, “Temple Grandin”

I do watch Hawaii Five-0 but I don't think Scott Caan should get a Golden Globe for it.  Chris Colfer legitimately deserves this one for his portrayal of a gay kid being bullied.  That's an issue that should have more attention paid to it.

The Tourist (2010)

  I didn't really know what to expect from this movie.  I didn't see any of the previews, didn't research it, and wasn't going to see it until my mother told me to.  She wants me to see as much of Venice as I can before I go there in February.  For her, preparation involves Casino Royale, Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, and The Italian Job.

The Tourist was charming.  I can't think of a more appropriate word.  Angelina Jolie is beautiful and mysterious, Paul Bettany is scowling and intense, and Johnny Depp is, well, he's Johnny.  He has a way of infusing the simplest gestures with disarming humor in very Cary Grant or William Powell-like ways.

This movie had more than a touch of Charade to it, and a little North by Northwest for good measure.   It even put me in mind of The Scarlet Pimpernel, which is one of my all-time favorite books.

Frank Tupelo is a widowed math teacher on holiday in Europe.  He meets a mysterious and beautiful woman on a train to Venice and then his world is turned upside down.  Elise Ward is the paramour of a man wanted by Scotland Yard for tax evasion and by a gangster for embezzlement named Alexander Pierce.  Pierce's face is a mystery after $20 million worth of plastic surgery so everyone is following Elise in the hopes of catching him.  Suddenly, Frank is being shot at, chased across rooftops, and menaced by Russian bodyguards.

I'm not quite sure how it would stand up to repeat viewings but it's definitely worth the price of admission.

Marked Woman (1937)

  Still no Black Swan.

This is another from my Bette Davis box set.  I have to say, it's one of the better ones.  Bette plays a nightclub "hostess" working for a gangster who carves up her face after she turns state's evidence.  Humphrey Bogart is the DA trying to put the gangster away.

I'm pretty sure this was the only movie they made together, which is probably a good thing.  Their acting styles seem really similar to me, and it's hard to decide which of the two to watch when they're on screen together.

At the beginning of the movie, there's a big disclaimer that the story is fictional and any resemblance to persons living or dead is purely accidental.  Now that's standard boilerplate for films nowadays; in fact, you can find it buried in the end credits on pretty much everything.  But this was big letters right up front, which always makes me suspicious.

So, sure enough, it's based on the story of Thomas Dewey, the Manhattan DA who convicted Lucky Luciano based on the testimony of several prostitutes and madams.  Boardwalk Empire fans will know Lucky as having kind of a weakness for the fairer sex so it's not too surprising that he was brought down by a couple of skirts.

The movie stands up pretty well, better than I thought it would, and the costumes are gorgeous Orry-Kelly creations.

Crash (2004)

  This movie sucked and not just because it was Christy's pick for December.  Despite her belief that I disparage the movies she loves simply because I have no soul, I do go in hoping that I will like them.  It's just that I generally don't.  Still, it's good for me to be exposed to something other than violent foreign revenge films.  I guess.

I can't believe this movie won Best Picture over Brokeback Mountain.  That's just fucking wrong.  I don't go in for dramas in most cases but Brokeback was a powerful moving film.  This was just a collection of racist idiots.  I'm not sure what point they were trying to make, other than "everyone is racist and no one in LA can drive".

See, now this video from Avenue Q says pretty much the exact same thing...and it's hilarious.  Call me insensitive, but I prefer to face issues with humor than with joyless depictions of all the horrible shit people do and say to each other.

Orphan (2009)

  Someone tell me why little girls are inherently creepy?  Example:  Picture yourself somewhere normal, yet still unfamiliar; let's say the hallway of a hotel you've never stayed in before.  You're headed toward your room, bucket of ice in hand, when you turn the corner and see a young girl standing in the hallway.  She appears to be about 8-years-old, her hair is perfectly styled, held back with a wide blue ribbon that matches her slightly old-fashioned, modest dress, atop which is a freshly starched white pinafore.  A doll dangles from her hand.  There are no adults in sight.  What do you do?

You fucking run, that's what.  But make sure you don't do it blindly because you don't know how fast that little snake can move or if she has a twin or something that has snuck up behind you.

As a matter of fact, if you didn't have a flashback to The Shining from that scenario, congratulations, you have just failed Horror Movie Survival 101.

"Come play with us!"

"Not on your fucking life, pipsqueak."

Little overdressed girls should be treated with the same kind of caution as a rabid wolverine.  Take Esther, the eponymous girl from today's movie.

Little girl?  Check.
Tragic past that inspires sympathy instead of healthy paranoia?  Check.
Weird unsettling habits?  Check.
Sudden bursts of violence?  Check.

As a character, Esther is everything you could want in a horror movie.  Sure, it's been done before with The Good Son and even much earlier with The Bad Seed but this one has a cute little twist near the end that's good and disturbing.  The acting is really quite good from all concerned.  The only thing that really sinks this movie is the editing.  Even in the beginning of the film, there are way too many shots done from close in.  This is a cheap horror trick to limit the field of vision so you can then pop out a character and make it look like they appeared from nowhere.  It's extremely heavy-handed here and the movie would have been much more fluid without it.

So, overall, a decent film if you're just in a pro-choice kind of mood but definitely watch it on cable.

Vanishing Point (1971)

  This is not the movie I wanted to be reviewing today.  I was all geared up for Black Swan and have been since I first heard of it this summer.  It was going to be my real kick-off for the holiday movie season.  There are only three theaters carrying it in the DC area as of yesterday and the closest one to me is Georgetown.  Georgetown!  It might as well be on the other side of the moon.

I take that back.  There's ample parking on the other side of the moon.

Why didn't I discover the Black Swan thing on Friday, like a true fan?  Well, kiddies, Friday I was drunk.  I came home from a busy day at work to discover that my internet had been shut off.  Since I was relatively certain I had paid that bill, I called the cable company to find out what was up.  Some unscrupulous person had used my wireless network to illegally download Knight and Day.  True story. I then spent an hour on the phone with some poor bastard in India (again, also true) to try and figure out how to fix the security on my router.  Then I remembered that the only reason I even had the wireless network set up was for my TiVo in the living room.  But I gave away my TiVo like three years ago when my cable company threw in a DVR as an upgrade.
So I unhooked the router, hung up on the Indian, and plugged the cable directly into the computer.  After all that, I needed a drink.

Anyway, Vanishing Point.

**Probable Spoilers**

I don't know why Netflix thinks I'm suicidal or I enjoy seeing other people commit suicide, but it apparently does.

For those of you who didn't pay attention during the talking parts of Death Proof, Vanishing Point is one of the great car-chase movies of the 70's.  The star of the movie is a white 1970 Dodge Challenger.  The guy driving the car is named Kowalski.  Kowalski delivers cars for a living and is scheduled to deliver the Challenger to San Francisco from Denver.  According to Google Maps, that's over 1200 miles and about 20 hours.  For no apparent reason, Kowalski makes a bet with his drug connection that he can make it in 15 hours.  Which drug, you ask?  Speed, of course.

So Kowalski sets off under his self-imposed deadline.  From little vignettes, we learn that he is a former professional racer (motorcycles and cars) and before that, he was a police officer.  This is supposed to engender sympathy in the watcher, that here is a tortured soul who has taken to the open road in an attempt to expurgate his sins with speed.  What it said to me was that here was a deeply troubled man coked to the gills behind the wheel of a super-charged car speeding toward oblivion as fast as it will take him.

I'd draw comparisons to Cool Hand Luke but there's no way Barry Newman could ever be as charismatic as Paul Newman.  Not in a million years.

I guess if you like car chases or if you like the 70s this would be a good film.  Maybe.  I don't know.

It was a nice car, though.

A Wink and a Smile: The Art of Burlesque (2008)

  Okay, I'll say it.  I'm obsessed with burlesque now.

Ob.

Sessed.

This documentary has been sitting in my queue for almost a year and still had thirty movies ahead of it but Netflix streaming knows no boundaries!

Here's the thing:  real people do burlesque.  Women and men.  And they're not all drag queens, although drag is considered a form of burlesque.

And you don't have to look like Christina Aguilera to do it!  The documentary follows 10 women enrolled in Seattle's Academy of Burlesque. (That's a real thing.  I shit you not.)  It's a six-week course that teaches women from all different backgrounds the timeless art of the striptease.

I know what you're thinking:  any idiot can take off their clothes.  That's not art.  But that's not all burlesque is.  It's an attitude, a way of life, a glitter-filled way to poke fun at societal norms.  After all, satire is making fun of rich people by other rich people.  Burlesque is making fun of rich people by everyone else.

Let me illustrate this with a video.  Agent Provocateur is a high-end British lingerie company and this video is one of their advertisements that combines their product with a rather scathing view of American politics.  Um...it's definitely NSFW.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qWNiBaZme_w&has_verified=1

The Man Who Came to Dinner (1942)

  See?  Here's a Thanksgiving movie.  And you thought I couldn't do it.  All right, it's set over Christmas, but come on!  It was close.

This, of course, is the poster for the play and not the movie but I liked it.  It's got almost an Edward Gorey kind of feel to it.

Anyway, The Man Who Came to Dinner is a classic comedy starring Bette Davis and Monty Wooley.  Never heard of the last guy?  That's because he starred in the original Broadway version and did such a good job they put him in the movie.    He plays a man named Sheridan Whiteside, a famous critic and radio personality, who injures himself on a set of icy stairs and is forced to remain in the home of a Midwestern couple until he recuperates.  In retaliation, he becomes the worst houseguest imaginable with a list of demands a mile long, a disagreeable demeanor, and threats of lawsuits.  He even attempts to wreck his long-suffering secretary's budding romance with the local newspaper man because he can't stand the thought of hiring someone new.

It's catty and backstabby and fun and I found it to be a very nice ending to a hectic day.  I know I had to be on my very best behavior because I was a guest in someone's home and it was delicious to watch someone else be on their very worst.

Tangled (2010)

  Happy Thanksgiving!  In the spirit of not finding holiday-appropriate movies to watch, here's the newest Disney film!

This is the story of Rapunzel, the princess locked in the tower and forced to grow hair of a ridiculous length until she is rescued.  In this case, the story begins a couple of months before the princess is even born when the queen falls ill and requires the use of a magic flower to heal.  Unfortunately, the flower was being utilized by a selfish old lady to reverse the effects of aging so she's really pissed when they take it.  The princess is born and the old lady figures out that the girl's hair will perform the same trick but only if it's never cut, because if it is it loses its magic and turns brown instead of gold.

As a natural brunette, I have to say that particular plot-point rankled.

So she kidnaps the girl and locks her in a tower for eighteen years.  Right about then, the hero of the story (less of a hero and more of a thief on the run for stealing the Lost Princess' crown) climbs the tower and Rapunzel sees her ticket out.  From there, it's a pretty standard Quest movie.

This is the 50th animated film in the Disney Classics series and I have to say, it felt a little flat.  Not to say it was bad, because it wasn't, it just didn't reach the heights of say Aladdin or Beauty and the Beast.  There isn't one memorable song in the whole movie.  The only one that's close (in that I remember bits of it) is the "I've Got a Dream" song when they're in the Snuggly Duckling.  That part is adorable.

The animation is beautiful.  The mix of CGI and hand-drawn makes for a very deep world even if you go the 2D version over 3D.  And I believe that this is the first Disney animated movie to show a character bleeding, which is a stylistic change to say the least.

So I didn't walk out thinking it was a travesty but I'm probably not going to rush and buy it when it hits DVD either.  Which is a shame, really, since I own about 80% of all the animated Classics and I hate when my average starts to fall.

The Getaway (1972)

  This was a terrible movie.  It was boring as shit and made no sense.

Steve McQueen is in jail and has a ridiculously hot wife.  He doesn't want to be in jail so he tells his hot wife to go make a deal with the crooked sheriff so he can get parole.  She accomplishes this by sleeping with the sheriff.  Steve spends the rest of the movie pissed off at her about this. 
The crooked sheriff wants Steve to rob a bank because Steve is a master thief.  Maybe my concept of "master thief" is different than director Sam Peckinpah's, since in my world master thieves are the ones that don't get caught.  Crooked Sheriff sends Steve off to rob the bank with two random dudes; one is completely forgettable and the other is a dyed-in-the-wool psychopath.  Guess what happens?

/Final Jeopardy music

If you said "The forgettable guy gets capped when the heist goes wrong and the psychopath goes all psychopathy" congratulations!  /confetti cannon

Now Steve and his hot estranged wife take their marital problems on the run with a half million dollars in loot.  The Crooked Sheriff's goons and Rudy the Psychopath pursue, all the way to a hotel in El Paso...which was a terrible idea since nothing good ever happens in El Paso.

I'm already bored and I'm just trying to write a synopsis.  Bottom line:  everyone dies except Steve and Hot Wife and they patch up their differences over the border in Mexico.  The End.

/yawn

The only reason to watch this movie at all is the trainwreck that is Sally Struthers.  Oh, yes, the "won't someone feed the children and pass me another bucket of chicken" lady from the TV ads.  She gets involved as the ditzy vet assistant who takes up with Rudy the Psychopath.  It is never clear whether she's a hostage with Stockholm Syndrome or just too stupid to realize that Rudy is not a warm-and-fuzzy kind of guy.  Even if he does like kittens.

Plus, no boobs.  There is absolutely no reason why at least one of the chicks in this movie couldn't have shown something.  Hot Wife goes braless the entire film but never actually shows anything (which should be freakin' impossible.  I have only ever gone out braless twice and both times I was terrified of slippage and ended up taping my clothes to me).  Stupid Sally has no reason to be on-screen if not to display some ta-tas.  But no.  You get a flash of side-boob and that's it.  Lame.

Unstoppable (2010)

  Tony Scott has done the impossible:  he made a movie about trains interesting.  I was not going to go see this movie because my experience of trains is of sitting at those stupid little blinking red lights as I wait for an endless procession of identical cars to pass at roughly one-third the speed of paint drying.  Even after my brother recommended it to me I was disinclined to go but I figured the hell with it.  I hadn't seen a movie in theaters since RED in October and nothing else looked good at all.

It was outstanding.

The whole movie hinges on a series of bad decisions that, by themselves, wouldn't have been major but combined to form a catastrophe.  Ethan Suplee is pissed at his boss for breathing down his neck so he cuts corners by not connecting the air brake.  He gets down from the moving train to flip the track switch and the throttle slips.  Now there's a runaway train hauling toxic and highly combustible chemicals.
Chris Pine is a conductor only four months out of training.  Because he's on the phone about a restraining order his wife took out on him, he miscounts the number of cars he's supposed to add to his train and takes five more.  This will later prevent him and Denzel from being able to get onto a side track, forcing them to play chicken with said runaway train.
The people at Corporate keep trying to minimize the damage to their shareholders, refusing to be aware of how dangerous the situation really is.  They decide not to derail the train in an unpopulated area and try several other methods, each one progressively more desperate and dangerous.

The casting for this movie was spot-on.  Everyone did such a great job, especially Rosario Dawson.  They did everything they could to minimize her inherent beauty to make her more realistic, including hiding her rather large bust.

I know it's hard for women in Hollywood to make the transition from "hot girl" to "real actress" and I'm glad she's getting that chance.

The Lovely Bones (2009)

  This is one of those rare times that I remember HBO is useful for more than Boardwalk Empire and TrueBlood.  You may remember this film from the list of Oscar nominations in February.  Stanley Tucci was nominated for Best Supporting Actor but lost to Christoph Waltz for Inglourious Basterds.  Now that I've seen both films, I have to say I would have voted for Tucci but only by the smallest margin.  He was amazing in this movie.

The story is narrated by Susie Salmon, a fourteen-year-old girl who is murdered in a cornfield on her way home from school.  From her strange shifting world of Limbo, she is able to see the ripple effect her death has on the lives of her family and her killer.

Now, I watch a lot of True Crime shows and I spent several formative years fascinated by serial killers.

...

What?  Like you don't have hobbies?

Anyway, I appreciated the small details presented by Tucci's performance as the killer.  The stalking, the carefully innocuous facade, the meticulous planning leading up to the actual act and followed by an equally meticulous clean-up and trophy-taking.  It was a beautifully disturbing role and played with a quiet menace.  He was the cancer eating away at the Salmon family, twisting them into bloodless shells.

It's impossible to have a 'happy' ending when you know up front that the main character is dead, but the movie manages to be satisfying, at least on a karmic level.

Peter Jackson's eye for the fantastical seemed ever-so-slightly off to me on this film, which is really the only critical thing I can say about it.  His Limbo just seemed to be missing something.  I just don't think it went far enough into surreality but I can't really point to an example of where it should have gone further.  It's just one of those little niggling things that distracts from the overall effect, like an itchy tag on the inside of a really soft cashmere sweater.

Casino (1995)

  I was hoping to have had this posted for you last night but it just didn't happen. As a matter of fact, I'll confess that I cobbled together that TV update in one window while the movie played in another simply because Casino is about 30 seconds short of being a full 3 hours and I was never going to make my midnight deadline. 

Not that you shouldn't still enjoy A Bit of Fry and Laurie because you totally should.

This movie really exemplfies Martin Scorsese's aesthetic for mob movies.  It's flashy and loud with multiple voice-overs, rampant drug use, violence, characters that never end up enjoying their lives of crime, and the word 'fuck' (422 times!).  Seriously, the only thing that separates this from Goodfellas is the backdrop of the Vegas Strip.  That and DeNiro's wardrobe.

There is a lot of pastel. Although I do applaud any man who can wear pink.

As a movie, it's meh.  As a look back at popular fashions from 1973-1983, it's outstanding.  Seriously, I think the costume department should have been nominated for an Oscar just for Sharon Stone's hairstyles.

A TV update

I thought I'd take a minute to let you know about some of the fine television shows there are out for your viewing enjoyment.  Well...there's at least one fine television show.  The other one you should probably avoid at all costs.

Let's start there.  I'm on the last disc of the TV show Moonlight, which was mercifully cancelled after just one season.  Yeah, that's the guy from the new Hawaii 5-0 remake.  He sucks (so to speak) marginally less in that show.  I don't know if I've said it before, but I hate self-loathing vampires.  Tell me the point of being immortal and having all kinds of cool-ass powers if you're just going to bitch and moan about how you wish you were human again?  The vampires in this show don't even ash in sunlight!  Sure, it makes them all pinch-faced but still.  That circumvents the major disadvantage of the condition and you're still not happy?  That's just ungrateful.

Update 11/18:  Finished the season.  It did not redeem itself with the last episode.  Sometimes, when a show knows it's going to be cancelled it'll pull out all the stops for an epic finale.  This one went for the fizzle approach instead.  Bleh.

Now A Bit of Fry and Laurie is a TV show.  I watched the first season streamed from Netflix since I still had two discs of the worthless vampire show at home.  I do so love good word-play and this sketch comedy is probably about the most clever writing I've ever come across.  The "Leave it Out" sketch alone is worth the price of admission.

The Maltese Falcon (1941)

  This is a freakin' classic film.  And for good reason.  The older and more cynical I get, the more I like it.

If you haven't seen this movie, do yourself a favor and Netflix it immediately.  Pop it in, sit back with a glass of scotch and immerse yourself in the world of Sam Spade, private eye.

Spade and his partner, Miles Archer, are hired by a mysterious and beautiful woman to shadow a man named Floyd Thursby.  Of course it goes awry and Miles is shot.  A few minutes later, so is Floyd Thursby.  Sam has to navigate through the increasingly labyrinthine turns of the case.  At the center is the eponymous falcon statue, such a small thing to have such a high human cost.  Sam must find the object without falling prey to one of the three interested parties, each one willing to kill to keep it from the others, and also solve the murder of his partner before the cops decide to pin it on him.

It's a landmark film and one of the best ones Bogart ever did without Lauren Baccall.

The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor (2008)

 So most of my friends and family know that I take Krav Maga lessons.  Many of them suspect it's part of my plan to eventually become a ruthless dictator of a third world country.  I admit nothing.

While visiting with Christy, I had the opportunity to eat dinner over at her dad's (my mother's brother) house.  His wife, Sue, mentioned that Brendan Fraser took Krav Maga to prepare for some of the stunt-fighting used in Tomb of the Dragon Emperor.  I had steered clear of the movie because the reviews just weren't that great (13% on Rotten Tomatoes, ouch!) but since they had it on DVD, why not?

I read a review on IMDB criticizing the writing for the abysmal dialogue but I don't think that was the real problem.  I think that the writers had a decent handle on who the characters were and certain actors completely let them down.  Chiefly, Luke Ford (Alex O'Connell) and Maria Bello (Evelyn O'Connell).

In Maria Bello's case, it's not really her fault.  She took over the part from Rachel Weisz, who had really made the role her own, and I don't think she was allowed to make any real changes to the personality.  If she had been allowed to play less breathy, more jaded I think it would have worked.  But it was like seeing a bargan Stepford replacement of Evie O'Connell. 

The real turd in the punchbowl of this movie, though, is Luke Ford:  the Americanized college dropout son of Rick and Evie.  Like Sean William Scott in The Rundown but with less of a personality.  While he was adorably cheeky in the second movie (and English), his charm completely deserted him upon puberty.  He was so wooden you could have used him for a sarcophagus.   

Everybody else seems to be playing their characters the way they did in the last couple of movies.  The Chinese cast are all very professional.  Jet Li is angry and demanding as the emperor, Michelle Yeoh is graceful and serene as the sorceress, and Isabella Leong is pouty and plucky as the assassin.  You really can't ask for more from an action movie. 

Seriously, Luke Ford was so bad, every time he was on-screen I found myself pretending part of the scenery had lines so I didn't even have to look at him.

Pictured:  Luke Ford

Oh!  Before I forget:  so Jet Li can shape-shift as part of his mummification.  He turns into a three-headed dragon in order to fly down from the Himalayas and then he turns into some sort of weird-ass horned bear-thing to get through a zombie army and under the Great Wall (don't ask).  The weird-ass bear thing is a Shisa, a Chinese guardian lion.  You're welcome.

Turandot (2005)

This is not the official poster for the movie I saw, which was the 2005 production of Opera Australia, but you have to admit it's pretty cool looking.

Turandot is an opera set in China, sung in Italian, and played by Australians.  That always cracks me up.  Giacomo Puccini really liked setting his operas in new far-flung places like Imperial China, Japan, and even the Wild West.  This was his final opera and he died before he could finish it.

The story itself is based on a Persian folk tale about a Princess who demands that her suitors must answer three riddles to win her hand in marriage.  If they fail, they are killed.  A deposed king, his son, and a slave girl arrive right about the time her latest would-be-husband gets the axe.  First the new prince decries such cruelties and then he catches a glimpse of her and decides it might be worth it.

He rings the gong and announces his candidacy.  The princess is not impressed.  He has no kingdom, no money, and possibly a new government looking to kill him.  Hell, I wouldn't marry him either.  But the conditions have been set and there's no going back now.  She asks her questions and, unbelievably, he gets all of them right.  Then he turns the tables, seeing that she's not a gracious loser by any means (frankly, she's kind of a raging bitch which means she's both filthy rich and drop-dead gorgeous otherwise nobody would have bothered).  He tells her that she can still have him killed if she figures out his name before dawn.

This is really the only part of the opera that I like.  "Nessun dorma" is probably one of the most beautiful pieces for a tenor ever written.  I only wish Kenneth Collins had done it a bit more justice.  The last crescendo is supposed to be sweeping and epic and he sounded like he was reaching a little too hard for that top note.  But then, I sound like a cat shitting a rusty tin can when I sing so I really shouldn't judge.

Anyway, he completely misjudges how much she doesn't want to get married when he makes his little offer because the first thing she does is haul in his old blind dad and the slave girl to have them tortured.  Unnamed Prince probably should have thought that one through.  The slave girl volunteers to be tortured to death so they don't go after the old man because she's in love with the prince.  Turandot really doesn't understand that concept but instead of being impressed with her devotion, orders that the name be torn from her.  Slave Girl falls on a dagger rather than betray her love...who feels bad but not enough to say "fuck it, I don't want to marry you" before she dies.  Actually, immediately following that scene, he spends about 20 minutes trying to feel up Turandot so I guess he doesn't feel bad about it at all.

Royalty are a bunch of bastards.

She falls in love with him after they make out and even though he tells her his name she doesn't have him killed.  Because what independent women who resist marriage and other socially-mandated roles really need is some hot lovin'.  That'll change her ways!

The production wasn't the best.  The sets were too dark, and (although I am aware that opera is about the voices and the people are really just space-holders) Ealynn Voss was way too old to be playing a nubile princess.  Still, I encourage people to get out and see the actual opera if you can find it.

The Machine Girl (2008)

  As the picture attests, this movie practically reeks of campy fun. Like if Dead Man's Shoes had been made as a Grindhouse film. Oh, Japan. Will you never tire of scantily-clad schoolgirls-turned-cyborgs hungering for revenge? Let's hope not!

The story concerns Ami, a teenage girl who lives with her little brother Yu after the death of their parents.  Not sure if the movie ever actually says what happened to Mom, but we know that Dad killed himself rather than face the shame of being called a murderer. 

Side note:  This is a chief difference between Japanese and American films.  In America, you don't throw off a line like "I've had to look after you ever since Dad committed suicide rather than face a murder charge" without some kind of expositional flashback.   As a matter of fact, Ami finding out whodunit would probably be the whole plot of the movie.  But I digress...

What Ami doesn't know is that Yu is under the thumb of some yakuza's spoiled brat who ends up tossing him and his friend Takashi off a building.  Fun Fact:  Japanese schoolgirls turn into murder machines in the face of adversity.  Also, Japanese people don't have arteries; they have fire hoses.

Anyway, Ami gets caught by the yakuza parents and has her arm chopped off.  She escapes and seeks shelter in the machine shop of the other dead kid's family.  They fit her out with the wicked cool machine gun, which in no way is too heavy for a typical high school girl to lift.  The mom, Miki, even joins her on her quest to kill every last motherfucker standing after their shop is hit by (and I'm not even making this up) the Junior High Ninjas, and together they head off to the shrine where the yakuza family is hiding.

But wait!  There's more!  For the price of the spoiled sociopath kid, gleefully psychotic mom, and ninja-obsessed dad, you get FOUR OTHER VILLAINS!  See, the parents of the kids Ami has already killed form their own gang bent on revenge.  Outfitted in football pads, wrist pistols, and body armor featuring the faces of their dead progeny, they are probably the saddest group to ever try and deep-six a coed and her widow friend.

I'm not going to spoil the ending for you.  Just know that there are more lopped limbs, fountains of blood, gratuitous chainsawing, a drill-bra, and some pee-soaked pants for good measure.

Australia (2008)

Sorry for only getting two posts in this week.  I've been terribly behind on all my shows and I'm still trying to recover from the epic week-long vacation with my cousin and partner-in-crime.  True story:  It's going to take me three months to earn enough days off just to get back to zero.  Now that's  a vacation. 

Netflix mailed this to me on the 14th and I just got around to watching it last night while I was waiting on trick-or-treaters (that never showed up, by the way).  Normally, I love nothing more than watching an entire marathon of crappy low-budget horror films on Halloween.  In past years, I have rented all of the Horrorfest films and watched them back-to-back.  Some were good, some were shit but they were all very definitely Halloween horror.

This year, for whatever reason, I just wasn't in the mood.  Hence, you get a Baz Luhrmann extravaganza instead of Drag Me to Hell. 

And extravaganza it is.  Set against the backdrop of the Japanese bombing of Darwin, North Territory and the implementation of the Stolen Generations project is a tale of an Englishwoman trying to keep her ranch profitable in the face of a smug cattle baron and his truly evil henchman with only the help of a surly drover and a bright-eyed half-Aboriginal boy. 

**SPOILER ALERT**

In true Harlequin novel fashion, the uptight English bitch and the gruff misunderstood cowhand fall in lurve but they break up because he feels smothered and she won't let the kid go on walkabout or something.  Then the kid gets shipped off to Mission Island to have the black beat out of him, Lady Sarah the boss gets blown up, and Hugh Jackman cries.  Over the Rainbow gets sung or played on the harmonica a lot.  A plucky secondary character Sacrifices Himself so the Handsome Hero can feel bad while rescuing the children from the Evil Empire.  They sail into the ruined harbor and magically find the Beautiful Heroine through the power of song.

**END SPOILERS**

The movie was really pretty, if jumpily edited at the start, which is kind of a Baz Luhrmann signature.  Also a signature is his relentless cribbing from source material.  In this case, The Wizard of Oz.  He uses the themes of a stranger in a strange land, native magic, and the power of a home against the backdrop of war and genocide, of which apparently Frank L. Baum was in favor.

This is not a new thing for Baz.  Moulin Rouge was a technicolor explosion of La Traviata, Romeo + Juliet was a technicolor explosion of Romeo and Juliet and...well, Strictly Ballroom was pretty original, I guess.

Anyway, Australia doesn't suck but it does run 2 hrs and 45 min with no intermission so be ready with that pause button about halfway through.

The Libertine (2004)

  Happy Halloween, everyone!  I know this isn't technically a Halloween movie but absolutely everyone reviews horror movies for Halloween.

I don't know that I could recommend this movie to a lot of people.  Not because it's a bad movie per se but because I think you have to have a certain level of self-loathing to relate to the character and I would hope that none of you have the misfortune to identify.  Suffice to say that I do.

The story is based on the sordid life of John Wilmot, 2nd Earl of Rochester, a favored poet of King Charles II's court.  He had the dubious distinction of being infamous in his own time due to the very public satires he performed about the king and other exploits, such as abducting a promising heiress from her coach necessitating their marriage.

The film portrays him as a man overrun with his personal demons, a man seeking to lose himself.  He loves the creative outlet of the theater but simultaneously hates it for the fickle nature of its patrons.  He's the kind of man who works to make others love him but never know him because if they get too close they would see the cracks running throughout an outwardly brilliant gem.  To this end, he sabotages every relationship.  He doesn't give a shit about what anyone thinks, not his peers, not his detractors, unless it's amusing.  He craves the attention and limelight but despises the fools stupid enough to give it to him.  Boredom is his constant enemy.  A genius, yes, but a cruel one.

The thing about self-destructive people is that they do eventually destroy themselves.  Rochester dies from a combination of severe alcoholism and numerous venereal diseases.

So, not an uplifting film by any standard.  It does provide a very good public service message for anti-depressants, though.

This will have to count as my Christy experiment for the month.  She originally wanted me to watch either Apocalypto or Crash but I just didn't have time to get to either of them.  Still, tomorrow is another day and another month as it happens.

The Hangover (2009)

Did you ever hear the expression it never rains but it pours?  That's pretty much the tagline for my life.  I will go months without a date, weeks without even making eye contact with a dude, and then BAM!  I'll date like four of them at once.   The last date I had was almost a solid month ago for Machete.  Before that, I think the last one was in June.  Anyway, I'm not here to rant about my sporadic love-life.  There are tons of blogs for that.

I went on a date Tuesday night with a guy I'd been flirting off and on with for a couple of months.  We went out to dinner then he suggested going back to his place to watch a movie.  I know.  That's like the most transparent line ever.  I have personally used it (back in my younger days) to lure the unsuspecting back to my room.  Blade was my background noise of choice. 

But maybe I'm just slutty because he picked the movie and then actually sat through the whole thing without making a single move on me.  As you've no doubt guessed from the title, he picked The Hangover, one of a shortlist of films I hadn't seen. 

I'm not usually into buddy films like Swingers or Old Dogs since they're heavy on male bonding and gross-out humor.  I'm not a male, I don't bond, and I'm not amused by poop.  I had heard the hype about Hangover and I might have gotten around to seeing it on my own eventually but you probably shouldn't have held your breath over it. 

I have to say, it was better than I thought it would be.  I genuinely laughed at several moments in the last half.  Granted, there were a lot of things I could have lived without but I am not in any way the target demographic and I respect that.  I wouldn't put it in the same bachelor-party-gone-wrong category as Very Bad Things but it was still better than I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell.

Tosca: The Movie (2001)

  This is less of a movie review post than it is a wine review post.  As I mentioned in my last post, I do not drink....vine (10 pts if you get that reference) because I'm allergic to the grapeskins but I read a handy little trick about taking an antihistamine before drinking.  I don't know why I didn't try it before.  Probably because being allergic to wine doesn't really impact my life in any way.

Anyway, before we just blindly trusted some magazine article, Christy and I bought a bottle of wine to test it out.  I popped a Zyrtec and waited about an hour while we let the wine breathe.  The choice was a blend of petite Sirah, old vine Zinfandel and old vine Mourvedre bottled in 2007 by Bogle Vineyards.  It's called Phantom.

We hated it.

It could have been that we're not wine connoisseurs by any stretch.  I'm sure we could have researched the label and determined if that was a good year or even been more discerning in our selection by not picking the one with the prettiest bottle.

It had a very flat mouthfeel.  The first taste was very watery but if you let it sit on your tongue you could get flavors of dark cherry, a little bit of current, and the undertone of the cold clammy hand of death.  This wine tasted exactly how I would imagine drowning in a peat bog feels.  We ended up pouring it out and drinking a bottle of champagne I had in my fridge since New Year's Eve.

Oh, and we watched Tosca.  It's a French movie production of the classic Italian opera of a diva in love with a painter who has been arrested by a corrupt policeman.  It's not a movie based on the opera, nor is it a filmed production of the actual performance, but some weird hybrid of the two.  The black and white bits are the behind-the-scenes at the rehearsal or sound check or whatever and the color parts are the story.  I'm sure it would have been more appealing if we weren't half-drunk on wine made from the blood of dead hobos and bubbly.

Get Him to the Greek (2010)

  As I mentioned, my cousin Christy is visiting.  So last night we went to Rockville, MD for a dinner party with her childhood friend.  I know, a real dinner party!  Like adults!  We brought wine.  I don't normally drink wine ever since I found out I was allergic to it.  Not death allergic, but hives allergic.  Then I read an article specifically about wine allergies.  Turns out you can just take an antihistamine and you'll be fine.  Who knew?

Anyway, after dinner, Christy convinces our hosts to throw in the movie while my back was turned.  Why the underhanded nature, you wonder?  Well, mostly because she's evil but partly because she wanted to see it and knows how much I hate Russell Brand.

It was a terrible movie and, hopefully, it taught her a valuable lesson.  It wasn't that the movie was unfunny (though it was) and it wasn't that it was badly acted (though it was), its greatest flaw was that it was cripplingly boring.  Literally no one in the room was paying attention to what was going on on-screen.  I personally hated every single one-note character equally.  Christy told me that her least favorite was Sean Combs.  At least he had an excuse by not really being an actor.

Also, this needs to be said:  not all movies deserve the Blu-Ray treatment.  I could count every pore on Jonah Hill's face.  Action movies, animated films, and movies with a million special effects?  Yes, yes, yes.  Movies with none of those things do not need to be made into Blu-Rays.

RED (2010)

My cousin Christy, she of The Experiment, is visiting me this week.  Hence the delayed posting.  We went to see RED on Saturday, then drove to Annapolis that night, and yesterday we went to a Renaissance Faire up in Maryland before going to a drag show in Crystal City.

Whew.

So, the movie.  In a word, it rocks.  Bruce Willis is a CIA agent finding retirement to be a drag.  The one bright spot of his life is the burgeoning romance he has with the phone operator at the pension office who, against all probability, looks like Mary Louise Parker.  Then it all goes wrong when some people try and kill him for a mission he did back in the day.  So he kidnaps Sarah the pension worker (for her safety) and drags her around the country to meet his crazy old CIA friends who are Morgan Freeman, John Malkovich, and Helen Mirren.

They run around killing people and complaining about how things were better back in the old days and young whippersnappers not showing proper respect.  Karl Urban is one of those whippersnappers, a blindly ambitious CIA operative on Bruce Willis' trail.

We laughed almost the entire way through this movie.   Both of us decided about thirty minutes in that this definitely qualified as a Must Buy.  Christy said that she would possibly even rank it a higher priority than Twilight:  Eclipse which is kind of a duh for me.  I would rank unnecessary dental surgery higher than any of those sparkly bastards.  But it goes toward how awesome RED was for her to say that.