I Am Number Four (2011)

  Lately, I've been nostalgia-binging on Beauty and the Beast, a short-lived TV show from the 80's starring Linda Hamilton and Ron Perlman.  That's right, Sarah Connor and Hellboy had a TV show together and it was glorious.  But, for whatever reason, my blu-ray decided to be a pain in the ass and stop streaming the other day.  So I took the opportunity to brush off another blast from the past.  Remember the Rob tag, which stopped abruptly last summer?  Before he left, Rob was kind enough to clone me a copy of his server containing all of the movies, TV, and anime he had downloaded.  I hadn't been using it because I didn't initially have all of the cables I needed to get it up and working.  Then I got them but I was too lazy to rearrange all my living room electronics in order to accommodate it.  Hence why it has taken the better part of a year for me to bring it back.

But, now, all of the planets have come into alignment and I have a wealth of new-ish media to choose from.  I had stopped watching with Hysteria so I thought it was only fitting to rejoin with the next one after that and kick off the letter I.

An alien (Alex Pettyfur), one of the nine left of his species, is being hunted by another group of aliens bent on wiping them from the face of the universe.  He has a protector (Timothy Olyphant) but chafes at the restrictions imposed on him in the name of safety.  Forced to move to Paradise, Ohio, the alien going by the name of John Smith meets a human girl (Dianna Agron) named Sarah.  He also starts developing his Legacy powers and must work to control them before he is exposed to his enemies.

This is not a great movie and I totally understand why it flopped at the box office.  Pettyfur still can't act his way out of a paper sack and other, better actors are just dragged down by his performance.  This was another of those failed YA adaptations that tried to capitalize on the success of Twilight before The Hunger Games came and showed them how it was done.  The one upshot here is Teresa Palmer, whom I hope to see more of in the future.

Oscar Winners 2015

Another Oscar ceremony has come and gone so let's reflect back on what happened less than twelve hours ago.

Neil Patrick Harris hosted for the first time and knocked it out of the park.  He was funny, witty, and seemed completely at home.  None of his bits fell flat and, while he didn't have as much audience participation as Ellen Degeneres, what he did have was well-handled.  I didn't get to see the payoff of whatever joke he had set up with his personal Oscar predictions because my DVR cut off right in the middle of the Best Actress acceptance speech even though I had set the end time to a half hour past.  What the hell was up with people continuing to talk even after the music cut them off?  People!  There is a schedule to keep!

I was having a lot of playback issues with my cable last night and I was too far behind to cut to the live show.  Anyway, I have no idea if that was funny or not because I couldn't find any clips online when I was looking last night.  

Fortunately, the clips from the musical numbers were already up and if you missed any of them you should go and find them online.  They were amazing.  I forget sometimes that underneath all the wigs and bizarre costumes Lady Gaga is an incredible singer.  Her tribute to The Sound of Music was so tasteful and beautiful.

Let's get to the results, shall we?

Best Supporting Actor:  J.K. Simmons
This was not a surprise in any way.  Simmons steamrolled this category in pretty much every award show in which he was nominated.

Best Costume Design:  The Grand Budapest Hotel
Best Makeup and Hair:  The Grand Budapest Hotel
Best Production Design:  The Grand Budapest Hotel
I was a little disappointed one of the more fantastical movies didn't take the first two categories since I feel like they showed more imagination but I enjoyed Grand Budapest so I can't complain too much.  It was a very pretty movie with excellent production design.

Best Foreign Language Film:  Ida
I only got to see one film in this category this year.  Good thing I picked the winner, huh?

Best Live Action Short Film:  Phone Call
Best Documentary Short Film:  Crisis Hotline:  Veterans Press 1
I didn't see either of these but they apparently both deal with the numbers of veterans seeking help for suicidal thoughts.  This is a very important thing to me and I am glad they are both getting recognition.

Best Sound Mixing:  Whiplash
Best Sound Editing:  American Sniper
I still don't really know what these do.

Best Supporting Actress:  Patricia Arquette
Again, not a surprise at all.

Best Visual Effects:  Interstellar
I'm pretty sure this was the only award Interstellar won last night.

Best Animated Short Film:  Feast
Best Animated Film:  Big Hero 6
Disney was the big winner last night with Big Hero 6 and its accompanying short.  I didn't think it was going to win after the Golden Globes but there you go.  I still think The Boxtrolls was better and I don't want to even talk about The Lego Movie's snub.  It's still too soon.

Best Cinematography:  Birdman
That whole "looks like one take" thing was too good for the Academy to ignore.  Glad to see it.

Best Film Editing:  Whiplash
Best Documentary:  CITIZENFOUR
I haven't seen either of these.  Something about Laura Poitras, who won for CITIZENFOUR, bothered me.  Could have been the way she didn't really blink, a la Nightcrawler, or it could have just been the terrible dress.  I'm not sure.

Best Original Song:  "Glory" from Selma
All of the Best Song presentations were good and while I would have loved for "Everything is Awesome" to win (especially after they presented people in the audience with Lego Oscars), I can't deny that "Glory" is the more important and culturally significant song.

Best Original Score:  Alexandre Desplat for The Grand Budapest Hotel
This guy was kind of a shoe-in, seeing as he was nominated for two films.  However, that is not always a guarantee.  John Williams was nominated for two films in 2012 and went home empty-handed.

Best Original Screenplay:  Birdman
Best Adapted Screenplay:  The Imitation Game
I'm pretty sure that was the only win for Imitation Game, too.

Best Actor:  Eddie Redmayne
THIS, this was the one that tripped my shit.  I was sure Micheal Keaton had it in the bag.  I would have put money on it.  I can only think that he and Benedict Cumberbatch split the vote, so the tally went to Redmayne instead.  He seemed just as surprised to hear his name announced as I was and deliriously happy to be the statue's "custodian."

Best Actress:  Julianne Moore
Also, not a surprise.  I didn't see her film but she had also steamrolled the category.

Best Director:  Alejandro G. Inarritu
Best Picture:  Birdman
Who fucking called it?!  Yes.  I think that might actually have been the first time I've ever been right about a Best Picture winner and I could not be more pleased.  I really thought they were going to give it to Linklater for Best Director, though.  Boyhood kind of got shut out, except for Arquette's win but I guess that's how the cookie crumbles.

The Theory of Everything (2014)

Nominated for Best Picture, Best Actress, Best Actor, Best Adapted Screenplay and Best Original Score    By the time I post this, the Oscars will have already begun.  I usually wait about a half hour to start so I can skip through the commercials and I wanted to get one more in before the wire.  Counting this, I saw 25 of the 44 nominated, which is just a little better than 50%.  That is pretty terrible so hopefully next year I will be better.  I did manage to see seven of the 8 Best Picture nominees and I stand by my pick of Birdman.  This was a great biopic, but it wasn't the best picture of the year.

Stephen Hawking (Eddie Redmayne) is a doctoral student at Cambridge when he receives the medical diagnosis that would define his life.  His doctor (Adam Godley) gives him a projected life expectancy of two years.  This is understandably crushing but his girlfriend, Jane Wilde (Felicity Jones), urges him to remain hopeful.  They marry and have three children but as Stephen's health worsens and he needs more and more care, the burdens begin to weigh heavily on Jane.

It's nominally about Stephen Hawking but the true protagonist of this story is Jane, which makes sense considering it's adapted from her memoir.  Eddie Redmayne does an incredible job of becoming Stephen Hawking but Felicity Jones is the emotional anchor.  I wish she had been slightly less British, however, and let us see more of the inner turmoil.

As a side note, Charlie Cox has a supporting role as Jane's choir director and eventual second husband.  He is going to be Matt Murdock, aka Daredevil for Marvel's new show on Netflix, debuting April 10th.  For some reason, I have a terrible time remembering his face even though I have seen him in other things.  I hope he will be more memorable in Daredevil but really the only direction is up from the Ben Affleck version.

I feel like I should have more to say about The Theory of Everything but there's not that much more to it.  Stephen Hawking isn't exactly an obscure figure.  If you're interested in a movie about his life, you'll see this.  If you're not, you probably won't.

Birdman (2014)

Nominated for Best Picture, Best Director, Best Actor, Best Supporting Actress, Best Supporting Actor, Best Original Screenplay, Best Cinematography, Best Sound Editing, and Best Sound Mixing   Right now, hands down, this is my pick for Best Picture and Best Actor.  I think Linklater will pull out Best Director, J.K. Simmons and Patricia Arquette are pretty much locks for the Supporting categories and I think Wes Anderson will get Best Original Screenplay.  Cinematography is a little harder to call, since I still haven't seen two of the nominees in that category, one of which was shot by Roger Deakins, but this one would be pretty hard to beat.

Riggan Thompson (Michael Keaton) is an aging actor famous for playing a costumed superhero.  He wants to achieve some legitimacy in his art form by directing and starring in a stage adaptation of a play.  He has to contend with his estranged daughter (Emma Stone) fresh out of rehab, a narcissistic co-star (Edward Norton) trying to steal his glory, the nagging voice in his head telling him he should just cave and do Birdman 4, and the ever-present spectre of New York's most feared drama critic (Lindsay Duncan) whose reviews can make or break a play on opening night.

By now you've probably all read that the amazing thing about this movie is that it looks as if it were shot in one take, meaning that the camera seems to follow the actors around with no editing or cuts to show other scenes.  This gives it a breathless feel, like we the audience are rushing after these people to hear what they have to say.  It adds to the frenetic pace of the film, although some of the close-ups felt a little too close for me.  I did absolutely love the number of Hollywood jokes that had been worked in, especially in the scene where Riggan is talking to his lawyer/producer (Zach Galifinakis) about a replacement actor after their first one was injured on set.

It is a comedy but not the "laugh out loud" kind.  More of the "quiet sense of private amusement" kind.  There is also a lot of blending of reality and fantasy.  It is not going to be a movie that appeals to everyone but I think that as far as telling the story it is intending to tell, it gets its point across.

Nightcrawler (2014)

Nominated for Best Original Screenplay   This is the second Oscar-nominated film about a functional psychopath.  I feel like that probably means something, but I don't know what.  Maybe it's just a coincidence.

Lou Bloom (Jake Gyllenhaal) is a societal scavenger who is not afraid to get a little dirty to get by.  So when he sees a local news stringer (Bill Paxton) and his crew swarm over a bloody car wreck, he knows instinctively that there is money to be had.  He gets a camera and a police scanner and hires a kid (Riz Ahmed) to be his assistant.  They race across Los Angeles all night, trying to be the first to get footage of the latest and greatest carnage so they can sell it as an exclusive to network TV affiliates.  Lou in particular develops a working relationship with news director Nina (Rene Russo), seeing in her the keys to his success.

Gyllenhaal is absolutely mesmeric as Bloom.  There is something reptilian in the character:  his unblinking fervor, his oleaginous attempts to be charming, and his sudden coldly vicious turns.  He more than deserves a nomination for Best Actor and it's a shame the race for that category this year is so tight.  I also feel like it should have gotten a nod for Best Production Design.  The L.A. depicted here has never looked sleazier yet more inviting.

The sad thing is that I wouldn't have nominated it for Best Original Screenplay.  There's no plot; it's more of an in-depth character study of this deeply disturbed man and the people forced into contact with him.  It's a fascinating portrayal but that speaks more towards the actor's talent than the strength of the script.  Without Gyllenhaal, this isn't a movie.

The Judge (2014)

Nominated for Best Supporting Actor    As a character drama, this is one of the better ones this year.  Sometimes I forget that Robert Downey, Jr. isn't really Iron Man.  Movies like this help me remember that he is equally good at being snarky in a courtroom as he is on a battlefield.

Hank Palmer (Robert Downey, Jr.) is a high-powered criminal defense attorney in Chicago in the middle of a case when he receives word that his mother has died.  He immediately returns to his hometown for her funeral, despite the fact that he and his father, Judge Joe Palmer (Robert Duvall) have been estranged for many years.  While he is visiting, however, his father is arrested and charged with murder over a hit and run involving a man the judge had previously sentenced.  Hank takes his father on as a client and the two are forced to confront the bad blood between them.

Robert Duvall is excellent in this but Robert Downey, Jr. steals the scene every time he is on screen.  Vincent D'onofrio,Vera Farmiga, and Dax Shepard also have good supporting turns but this is definitely the Robert and Robert Jr. show.  In fact, were it not for a paternity sub-plot in the middle of the film, this would almost be too heavy, thanks to the emotional depth both actors bring to their roles.  It does make the film feel a little uneven tonally but that might just be me.  It's enough to keep me from buying it but it's definitely worth a rental.

Enter the Dragon (1973)

  I have always been a big martial arts fan.  I think I've always appreciated the duality of being able to find inner peace and tranquility while smashing someone's teeth through the back of their head.

This movie is famous for being the last film Bruce Lee completed before his untimely death, for launching the careers of several stars, and for generally being one of the best martial arts films ever made.

Martial arts master Lee (Bruce Lee) is invited to participate in a very secretive tournament on an island owned by the mysterious Mister Han (Kien Shih).  The British government recruits Lee to also do some investigating, as Han is suspected of trafficking in drugs and women.  When Lee gets to the island, he meets fellow tourney fighters Roper (John Saxon), hoping to pay off his debts, and Williams (Jim Kelly), in it for the prestige.  The three men couldn't be more different but find their fates inextricably entwined.

If you have never seen this movie, drop everything --although if you're holding children or other breakables, move to a soft surface first-- and find a copy.  You should own it but I can't tell you how to live your life.

The Bicycle Thief (1949)

Happy President's Day!  Here's a completely unrelated movie!    This is considered one of the greatest films of all time but it left me completely cold.  That's more a criticism of my frame of mind and not the movie, however.

Antonio Ricci (Lamberto Maggiorani) is one of thousands of Italian men unemployed in the wake of WWII.  Everyday he lines up with dozens of his countrymen to find out if any work is available.  One day, a breakthrough happens.  Antonio is offered a job hanging posters around the city, but it is only available if he has a bicycle.  He had to hock his bike to buy food and reluctantly tells his wife (Lianella Carell).  She agrees to pawn their good sheets, part of her dowry, in order to get his bike out.  While up a ladder hanging a poster of Rita Hayworth, Antonio's bike is stolen.  Frantic to not lose his job, which will probably mean homelessness for his family, Antonio takes his son Bruno (Enzo Staiola) with him to search all over Rome for his stolen bike.

Here's the thing.  I have been that poor, where everything that could go wrong has, and you stay awake nights desperately trying to think of ways to get out from under the weight of your debts, where playing the lotto sounds like a sound financial idea and every month is a coin flip on whether you can have electricity or water because you can't keep both turned on at the same time.  I know that feel.

And here's this movie, that puts it all there in black and white.  Figuratively and literally.  You can see Bruno's desire to have the same things as middle-class people when they go into a restaurant to eat and he keeps looking at a boy his age who probably has never gone to bed hungry.  Antonio makes fun of Maria giving money to a fortune-teller but finds himself knocking on that woman's door with all the other unfortunates, desperate to believe that someone has the answers.

I've never been one of those people that enjoys neorealism in my narratives.  If I want reality, I'll watch a documentary.  I watch movies to see fantastic events played by beautiful people.  They don't always have to have a happy ending but they need to engage my imagination.  The Bicycle Thief engaged memory and that's just not what I'm looking for right now.

Endless Love (2014)

  So, I'm just going to go ahead and say it.  There's nothing really wrong with this movie.  It's just horribly boring.

Jade Butterfield (Gabriella Wilde) decides to meet her fellow high school students on graduation day but the only person interested is David (Alex Pettyfur).  He is popular, however, and manages to round up enough people for her party that she is not horrifically embarrassed.  The two start dating.  Jade's father (Bruce Greenwood) is concerned that his daughter's new romance is going to derail the carefully constructed future he has in mind for her so he does everything passive aggressively possible to run David off, because he has never read Romeo & Juliet or seen a teen romance ever.  Jade, predictably, rebels against her cookie-cutter future to waste time with the boy that makes her lady-bits flutter because everything tastes better with daddy issues.

This is a remake of a 1981 movie of the same name.  The remake switches the social class of the main characters, with the Butterfield's now being yuppies and David the blue-collar one.  The newer one also seems to skirt some of the more disturbing plot points, according to the Wikipedia entry.  I've never seen the original so I can't speak as to the power of those scenes but it would make certain actions in the remake make more sense.  Honestly, having read the synopsis, the original sounds like a way better movie.  This has just had all its teeth pulled and comes off more like a remake of Say Anything.  David is too even-keeled, too understanding, too willing, too sensitive, too everything, while Jade pouts and makes doe-eyes.  They're so bland that, by contrast, her dad seems to completely overreact in almost Bond villain style.

I'm sure it's supposed to be madly romantic and capture the heady rush of first love fighting the odds against a cruel and unfeeling world, but it's not.  It's two stupid children making stupid decisions in reaction to a stupid adult.  At least the original involved a mental hospital.

Enchanted (2007)

  I had forgotten how cute this movie is.  It's way better than most of the "fairy tale spoof" films, probably because Disney has been at this game longer than anyone else and if anyone knows where the humor in a genre is, they do.

Forest maiden Giselle (Amy Adams) has been waiting her whole life for her True Love's Kiss and is sure she will find it with the handsome Prince Edward (James Marsden).  Edward's step-mother, the Queen (Susan Sarandon), has absolutely no intention of letting some random girl from the woods have her crown so she tricks Giselle into falling through a magic portal that spits her out into modern New York City.  Frightened and alone, Giselle runs into divorce attorney Robert (Patrick Dempsey) and his daughter Morgan (Rachel Covey).  Against his better judgment, Robert agrees to let her stay the night, only to find his entire world turned upside down by her indefatigable optimism and her downright worrisome obsession with constantly singing.  Meanwhile, Edward and his not-so-faithful servant Nathaniel (Timothy Spall) also travel to New York to rescue Giselle for their happily ever after.

Seriously, this kicks the shit out of Ella Enchanted.  Amy Adams is adorable and I love love love James Marsden.  He is the perfect Disney prince.  I've never cared for Patrick Dempsey but this almost makes him likable.  Plus, it has a pre-Frozen Idina Menzel as Robert's practical no-nonsense girlfriend.

Kingsman: The Secret Service (2015)

  I don't know how well this movie would stand up to repeated viewings, but it was pretty decent in the theater.  The same director and writer that created Kick-Ass re-teamed to make another comic book property.

Harry Hart (Colin Firth) is a Kingsman, one of an elite unit of spies operating outside the parameters of government control.  After one of their number is killed investigating the disappearance of a scientist (Mark Hamill), Harry sponsors an unlikely candidate for the open slot:  Eggsy (Taron Egerton), a troubled youth who nonetheless possess an incredible range of skills perfect for joining a covert espionage agency.  Eggsy proceeds through the training program, but it may not be quick enough to stop billionaire tech magnate Valentine (Samuel L. Jackson) and his deadly right-hand woman Gazelle (Sofia Boutella) from putting their evil plan into action.

My chief complaint with this movie is the excessive use of CGI in all the fight scenes.  It made them look grainy, like they were blurred around the edges.  I don't know if that was on purpose to convey a sense of speed but it put me off.  Everything else was solid.  It made me believe in Colin Firth:  Action Hero and that is not a label I thought to ever apply.  Samuel L. is campy and hilarious as the Big Bad, with his speech impediment and aversion to the sight of blood, but never loses the sense of menace.  There were a lot of very bold choices made with regard to action sequences that I much appreciated.  The comedy tended more towards the broad end of the spectrum, but there was only one joke near the end that I found to be eye-rollingly tasteless.  It didn't feel necessary and it detracted quite a bit from the proceedings, but I am willing to forgive.  As I said, I don't know how it will stand up to multiple watches, but it's a decent start to the movie season.

Usually, February is still a dumping ground for movies no one has any faith in *cough cough Jupiter Ascending cough* but you can occasionally find a gem.  This might turn out to be this year's Lego Movie.

Gone Girl (2014)

Nominated for Best Actress     Ugh, I hate that I loved this so much.  Part of me wanted to punch my TV and part of me wanted to take notes.

Nick Dunne (Ben Affleck) wants to end his marriage to socialite Amy (Rosamund Pike) after seven years.  The couple have been on the rocks and Nick wants out.  He comes home after a couple of errands on his anniversary to find signs of a scuffle in his living room and his wife missing.  A nation-wide manhunt begins and every facet of Nick and Amy's relationship is put under scrutiny.  As unsavory things come to light, Nick gets the terrible suspicion that someone is framing him for his wife's murder.

Ok, SPOILER WARNINGS now because I don't really know how much I'm going to give away.  If you don't want to know anything, stop now and go watch the movie.



Okay, now that they're gone, let's get down to business.  OMG FUCK AMAZING AMY.  What a total bitch.  I think what makes me angriest is that I actually knew somebody that pulled this kind of shit.  Not to this extent, granted, but she also falsely accused several people of sexual assault for personal gain.  No one could ever prove anything because it was always a he-said/she-said but once an idea like that is out there, it has the potential to wreck careers and lives.  There is a special hell for people who devalue the legitimate trauma of others with their lies.

That being said, I'll be damned if that woman wasn't a fucking paragon of organization and forethought.  That's a level of evil planning that is just awe-inspiring.  If she could turn her sociopathic brain towards solving the world's problems instead of spiteful malice, I'm pretty sure the sequel would be about an extinction event.  Rosamund Pike is not going to win an Oscar for this but if there's an award out there for Most Evil on Screen, she'd have it on lock.  Ben Affleck is serviceable, but the supporting cast is really where it's at.  Kim Dickens, Tyler Perry, Neil Patrick Harris, Missi Pyle, Sela Ward and Casey Wilson (Penny from Happy Endings) are all outstanding and all added so much color to what would otherwise be too tense of a movie.

I already know I'm going to buy it.  I think the anger will fade after a few more watches and then I'll just be left with the admiration and the joy of showing it to others and seeing their reactions.

Emma (1996)

   There is absolutely no reason to watch this movie unless you really have a thing for Jeremy Northam in tight pants.  In which case, Google Image Search "Jeremy Northam tight pants".  Skip it and watch Clueless instead.

Everyone in this movie is terrible.  But that's not really their fault.  The story is so vapid, it strains credulity that someone in their twenties would act like this.  Maybe hijinks like this were de rigeour for the 1800's, but even for 1996 it feels fake.  Toni Collette, whose presence usually fills me with joy, is wasted here as the helpless friend stuck in Emma's (Gwyneth Paltrow) increasingly desperate schemes.

There's a reason Cupid ended up with Psyche.  Romance without Thought destroys lives.  So this Valentine's Day, maybe put the fucking arrows down and stop thinking that you know better than everyone else.  And then go watch Clueless.

Ella Enchanted (2004)

  If I had seen this movie when I was 12 or 13, I think I would have enjoyed it more.  As is, I thought that it was cute and definitely showed the potential star power for Anne Hathaway.

Young Ella (Anne Hathaway) is bright, beautiful, and kind, thanks to her fairy godmother (Minnie Driver).  Unfortunately, her other fairy godmother, Lucinda (Vivica A. Fox), is much less thoughtful and her well-meaning gift of Obedience has become somewhat of a curse.  Ella cannot refuse a direct order from anyone.  She manages to keep it a secret until her step-sister (Lucy Punch) figures it out and uses it to torment her.  Ella decides to track down the errant fairy and demand to have the "gift" removed.  On the way, she meets the heir to the throne, Prince Char (Hugh Dancy), and tries to convince him that his uncle's (Cary Elwes) policies are discriminating unfairly against trolls, elves and giants.

This is based off a Newbury Award-winning book of the same name, but apparently differs considerably from the source.  I should hope so, because the climax is rather silly and trite.  Vivica A. Fox is woefully miscast as the air-headed party girl, Lucinda, and Heidi Klum shows up as a giantess for no apparent reason.  Half the cast has British accents and half don't with Minnie Driver ending up in the wrong half.  There are a couple of musical numbers using classic pop songs that I'm sure were intended to garner recognition as well as be a joke about fairy tale musicals, but instead tells me that no one wanted to hire songwriters to do original works.

On the plus side, Cary Elwes is fantastic as the stereotypically evil Regent.  Hugh Dancy has boyish charm pouring out of his ears which works mostly well with Hathaway.  Lucy Punch has a good supporting turn as the bitchy stepsister, with Joanna Lumley swanning around as her mother.  I wouldn't have minded if that side had a spin-off movie.

So, overall, kind of a mixed bag but I think we can fall on the positive.  It's not a terrible movie to show your children, though you may want to strangle someone if you're forced to watch it more than once a year.

The Paperboy (2012)

Happy Valentine's Day!  Here's a movie about love...sorta.    I don't even know how to classify this movie. It's weird, dirty, gross, compelling, humorous, and disgusting by turns.

Jack Janson (Zac Efron) is at a crossroads in his life.  After getting kicked out of college for a prank gone wrong, Jack loafs about his father's (Scott Glen) house, delivering papers in the morning and annoying the maid (Macy Gray) the rest of the time, seemingly content to coast along.  Until his brother, Ward (Matthew McConaughey), comes back to town to write a story for the Miami Times.  Charlotte Bless (Nicole Kidman) has contacted Ward because she believes that one of her prison pen pals, Hillary Van Wetter (John Cusack) was unfairly tried and will soon be executed for first-degree murder.  Ward and his partner, Yardley (David Oyelowo), begin investigating Hillary's movements on the day in question while young Jack tags along, mostly to ogle the Brigitte-Bardot-on-a-budget, Charlotte.

Mostly this movie is famous because of a scene where Charlotte urinates on Jack after he is stung by jellyfish.  That is not the most awkward scene in the movie.  That has to be when Charlotte masturbates for the voyeuristic pleasure of her death row boyfriend in a room with Ward, Jack and Yardley.  Yeah, it's that kind of movie.

I have to hand it to the actors involved, though.  They commit.  I haven't seen Efron in anything other than Hairspray so it was nice to witness some more dramatic behavior.  He also spends a lot of time with his shirt off, which doesn't hurt.  David Oyelowo really is fantastic no matter who he is playing.  Yes, he got snubbed for Selma this year, but a man that talented is practically guaranteed an Oscar at some point.

Lee Daniels had two movies released in 2013, this and The Butler, and the two could not be more dissimilar in tone.  The color yellow overlays nearly every scene.  It made me think of old pulp detective novels discolored by the sun, trashy certainly but with a lurid charm all their own.  I can understand why people called this movie polarizing.  You're either down with the sleaze or you're not.   Netflixgave it the same recommendation as Showgirls (1.6 stars) so let that be your guide.

Elizabeth: the Golden Age (2007)

  The first time I saw this movie, I was bitterly disappointed in it.  I loved the first one and this felt like a total retread.  Watching it again, I realized that it's not as bad as I thought.  I still think it's derivative but it's a decent enough sequel.

Queen Elizabeth I (Cate Blanchett) is still facing issues due to her Protestant faith and strict refusal to marry.  Her former brother-in-law, Phillip of Spain (Jordi Molla) is preparing an armada of ships in order to return England to its Catholic glory; Mary, Queen of Scots (Samantha Morton), is plotting her ascent to the British throne from house arrest; and Elizabeth's trusted advisor, Sir Francis Walthingham (Geoffrey Rush) is doing everything he can to foil assassination plots against her.  Fortunately, the arrival of Walter Raleigh (Clive Owen) from the New World serves as a welcome distraction from all these troubles.

Cate Blanchett was nominated once again for reprising her role, for which she should have won over Gwyneth Paltrow in 1999, and lost to Marion Cotillard for La Vie en Rose.  I can't fault that decision.  This did win for Best Costume Design.  It also features Rhys Ifans, Abbie Cornish, and Eddie Redmayne.  I wouldn't recommend watching Elizabeth and The Golden Age back-to-back, but I have reversed my decision on only owning the former.

Begin Again (2013)

Nominated for Best Original Song    This was a far cuter movie than I had initially expected.  I don't know if you guys are noticing by now, but I don't have a high opinion of most Oscar nominees.  I find it's best to keep my expectations as low as possible.  That way I'm rarely disappointed but sometimes pleasantly surprised.

Dan (Mark Ruffalo) is well on his way to being a drunk.  He is estranged from his wife (Catherine Keener), he can't connect with his daughter (Hailee Steinfield), and he is fired from his record label by his partner (Yasiin Bey - formerly Mos Def).  He wanders into a bar and hears Gretta (Keira Knightley), a young songwriter who followed her boyfriend (Adam Levine) to New York as his career starts to take off only to find herself on the sidelines.  Dan thinks Gretta is going to be the talent that propels him back into the game and must convince her of her own talent.

I didn't really care for the director's previous musical, Once, except for the song "Falling Slowly" which won in this category in 2008.  These two leads have so much more chemistry, just as people interacting with each other, not even in a romantic capacity.  The soundtrack is very solid, with the nominated song "Lost Stars" being a highlight rather than the only worthwhile track.  Plus, it has Ceelo Green.  Every movie is better with Ceelo.

The Eighteenth Angel (1997)

  This is one of those completely obscure films that I saw back in high school and managed to track down, so you're totally forgiven if you've never heard of it.  For all that, it has an impressive cast and an interesting story, even if the production values are pretty low.

Hugh Stanton (Christopher McDonald) is a music professor in Boston with a wife and daughter.  It's totally normal until Norah (Wendy Crewson) starts putting together a story about a local diocese's ties to ancient Etruscan mythology.  The priest (Maximilian Schell) is actually part of an ancient cult that is trying to bring about Satan's rule on Earth.  His group has been secretly collecting beautiful children to use as vessels for Satan's spirit.  As soon as he sets eyes on young Lucy (Rachel Leigh Cook), he wants her for the eighteenth victim.

I fully expect this to not be everyone's cup of tea.  I love movies that explore mysticism and riff off of established religious ideology.  That's just my bag, baby.  Plus, her name is Lucy and you know I love that.  And she's a cat person.  And she's really pretty.  All positive things.  But not necessarily things to which you will attach the same level of interest.  This film came out a couple of years before Rachel Leigh Cook got her big break in She's All That, which explains why no one has ever heard of it, and it also has Stanley Tucci in a small supporting role.  If you can find it, give it a shot.  I found it very enjoyable.

Easy A (2010)

Re-watched this for the first time since the theaters.  This is one of those instant classics whose true impact will not be felt for many years.  It's just too good to be ignored.  Every element:  cast, script, direction, tone is absolutely perfect.  If you don't own this movie, I'm judging you.  Originally published 09 Oct 10    This was such a smart movie.  Even though it's rated PG-13, I really don't consider it a movie for teenagers.  At least not the teenagers who were in the theater with me.  There were so many literary references and sharp, quick jokes.  It was like if you threw Mean Girls into a blender with Juno and the Classics section of Barnes and Noble.  And the entire canon of John Hughes movies. 

The story is of a girl named Olive (Emma Stone) who inadvertently starts a rumor in her high school that she lost her virginity.  Things kind of snowball from that point but it doesn't really mushroom-cloud until her gay friend Brandon (Travis from Cougar Town!) begs her to pretend to have sex with him, thereby freeing him from the torment of homophobic peers.  She finally gives in and hilarity ensues.  I'm so glad Amanda Bynes came out of fake retirement to play the self-righteous Christian crusader who perpetuates Olive's torment.

Stanley Tucci (who you know I have a mad bald-man crush on) plays her erudite and slightly anarchic dad and every single scene with him was hysterical.  Thomas Haden Church is her favorite teacher, Lisa Kudrow is his wife, and there's a bunch of young, up-and-coming actors that I had no idea who the hell they were.  I'm 28.  That's ancient in teenager years.

Still, even us old fogeys (and really, only old fogeys know what the hell old fogeys are) can relate to the soul-crushing crucible that is the Public High School Experience.  Olive goes on a real, actual date about two-thirds of the way through the movie and the stilted, awkward silence she desperately tries to fill with inane, slightly-disturbing trivia....well, I'm not going to say that that's every date I've ever been on, but it's closer than I'd like.

Plus, the soundtrack's kinda badass.

Showgirls (1995)

  You know how Netflix will guess at movies it thinks you'll like?  Over the thousand or so movies I've watched, I've pretty much cracked the code.  4-5 stars - Holy shit, this was made for you.

3-4 stars - You're going to like it, give it a shot.
2-3 stars - You're probably not going to like all of it, but there will be interesting parts or you will enjoy hating it.
1-2 stars - Don't even click on it.

When I first added Showgirls, newly Streaming as of February, Netflix gave a recommendation of 2.3.  I watched a little, had to stop, and gave it up for the night.  The next day, Netflix had downgraded its recommendation to 1.6, like it had the night to think about it and changed its mind.  I get it.  I've done that.  You recommend something to your friend, hype up how funny it is, then you walk away and all you can think about is how that friend never gets the same kind of jokes you do and you desperately want to run after them and abort!  Abort mission!  Before your terrible recommendation causes them to judge you mercilessly.

It's okay, Netflix.  I forgive you.

Young starlet Nomi (Elizabeth Berkeley) hitches to Vegas to become a showgirl, but a girl's got to make a living while she waits for her dreams to come true, so Nomi gets a job as a stripper.  Her roommate (Gina Ravera) works as a seamstress on a big show and invites Nomi backstage to meet the star, Cristal Connors (Gina Gershon).  Cristal takes a fancy to Nomi and begins pulling strings to show the girl the real side of show business.

Honestly, what is there left to say about Showgirls?  It's terribly cheesy sleaze and I don't think anyone involved actually enjoys their association with it.  After twenty years, it's achieved kind of a niche for so-bad-it's-good that maybe will appeal to you.  I will never watch it again.

Earth to Echo (2014)

  I feel bad for this generation if this is the caliber of movie they are getting.  Let this be a lesson to you, Relativity Media:  just because you put in a cute robot does not mean you have a good movie.

Three boys, forced to move because of a highway expansion, use their last night together to investigate a strange signal on their phones.  It leads them miles from home to a mysterious piece of metal in a field.  They continue to follow the map, watching as the metal begins to repair itself, forming a small owl-like robot they name Echo.  Echo shows them the constellation it comes from and leads them to more pieces so it can rebuild its ship and go home.  But the kids are not the only ones looking for Echo.

Honestly, it's The Goonies + E.T. by way of hand-held cameras.  The leads are complete unknowns, which is fine except they seem just as unknown by the end credits.  I'm sure they all have great careers ahead of them but I doubt this movie is going to be the one that propels them to stardom.

There's no sense of character development, no real humor, and not really a sense of camaraderie.  I didn't care if these three boys made it.  I didn't even care if they were friends.  They could have been three perfect strangers who each got the signal on their phone and it might have been more interesting.  It would have made more sense, given how little they seemed to interact with one another.  Adding a girl in the last third felt like a lame attempt to avoid accusations of gender bias rather than an organic turn of the story.  The whole thing seemed very half-assed.

Little Big Soldier (2010)

  I saw absolutely no marketing for this.  I don't even know if it got a theatrical release in the U.S. but thanks to the magic of Netflix streaming, I got to see it.  Ain't technology grand?

After a huge battle that annihilated both armies, a soldier (Jackie Chan) captures the wounded enemy general (Wang Leehom) for the reward money.  He wants to use it to buy a farm and be exempt from military service forever.  However, the general has other ideas.  He knows that his army was sold out, which led to the ambush, and he wants to know who was responsible.

Obviously, the space between these two conflicting goals is where the action happens.  The inherent humor is a Jackie Chan trademark but this is much less slapstick than many of his previous films.  It also has a lot more heart and character development, even though the story is familiar.  It's a solid film and well worth the bandwidth to watch, but I don't think I'd buy it.  It's missing that something extra to take it from good to great.

Dungeons & Dragons (2000)

   Great Gary Gygax, this is a terrible movie.  I would rather have watched people fill out character sheets for two hours.  Oh yeah, because I have actually played Dungeons & Dragons.  Second and Third editions.  So I know what the hell I'm talking about.

Long ago in the land of whothefuckcares, an evil mage named Profion (Jeremy Irons, who clearly lost a bet) tried to overthrow the empress (Thora Birch, what the hell happened to you?).  To do this, he needed a magic scepter that could control dragons, the location of which could only be found in an ancient scroll.  A young mage named Marina (Zoe McLellan) worked in the library and managed to get the scroll before two idiot thieves, Ridley (Justin Whalen) and Snails (Marlon Wayans), could steal it.  They weren't working for Profion, they just wanted to get some XP and level up so Ridley could buy that Bag of Holding that would match his Seven League Boots.  What's up, nerds?

Anyway, the three adventurers add a random dwarf (Lee Arenberg) to their party, because I'm pretty sure that's a requirement, and set off for the scepter.  The empress sends her best tracker, an elf (Kristen Wilson), who -- let's be real here -- is really just a half-elf with delusions of grandeur.  Profion sends his own goon (Bruce Payne), whose makeup game remains on point throughout, after the party.  Blah blah, random stuff, blah blah happy ending.

The worst part about this movie isn't the terrible CGI, the cartoonish dragons, the stains on otherwise excellent actors' resumes, it's the generic sadness of it all.  I have seen movies based on role-playing games.  They were not well-made and probably had a fraction of the budget this did, but I could tell that they were made by people who sincerely loved the game and what it meant to them.  This was a paint-by-numbers fantasy film that just happened to have the name of a long-running game attached to it.  There was nothing about it that definitively said that this had anything to do with D&D except a blurb in the credits thanking E. Gary Gygax.  This was a cheap money grab by a third-rate director and two fledgling writers.  Avoid.

Boyhood (2014)

Nominated for Best Picture, Best Director, Best Supporting Actress, Best Supporting Actor, Best Original Screenplay, and Best Film Editing    Okay, real talk time.  If this movie hadn't taken twelve years to make, nobody would be talking about it.  On a technical level, yeah, it's impressive that Richard Linklater was able to put together a script and a cast and keep everyone coming back to shoot a couple of scenes a year until he could tell the story he wanted.  No one is denying that.  My problem is that for all of that effort, it's an incredibly boring story.  Like "watching a neighbor's home videos of their kid for three hours" boring.

Mason (Ellar Coltrane) is a kid growing up with divorced parents.  He and his sister (Lorelei Linklater) live with their mom (Patricia Arquette) in Texas, while their dad (Ethan Hawke) visits from whatever job he has at the time.  The film follows him through his childhood all the way until he goes off for college.

Total fucking snoozefest.  Why the fuck would anyone volunteer to watch someone else's kid grow up?  Is this designed for aliens?  So they know our life cycle?  Is...is Richard Linklater an alien?  Is that why he makes movies, to beam back to his home planet?

Oh my God.

It all makes sense now.  The Before trilogy (Before Sunrise, Before Sunset, Before Midnight) were to teach his alien brethren about relationships, Dazed and Confused and Slacker were PSAs about drugs and School of Rock...

Admittedly, that's where it breaks down but I think I'm on to something here.

Dumbo (1941)

  Awww, it's Dumbo!  I hadn't seen this movie since I was a kid watching on those clamshell VHS tapes.  I upgraded it to blu-ray when it was released from the vault and holy shit, it looks fantastic.  It's also way shorter than I remember, coming it at 63 minutes.  That is a very little time to pack a whole lot of memories.

A stork delivers a baby elephant to a circus.  He is soon revealed to have enormous ears for his size, causing him to become the butt of jokes.  After his mother retaliates against some human bullies and is locked away, Dumbo is taken care of by Timothy J. Mouse.  Timothy wants Dumbo to be recognized for the special creature that he is and with a little help from a magic feather, the two realize unrivaled heights of achievement.

Seriously, who out there has never seen Dumbo?  You better have been raised by a weird cult.  Otherwise, there's no excuse.  This is a fucking classic and it deserves a place on your shelf.

Finding Vivian Maier (2014)

Nominated for Best Documentary    This is one of those documentaries that suckers you in thinking its going to be just run of the mill sad and then sucker punches you with a hammerfist of crazy.

John Maloof was just looking for some old pictures of Chicago when he bought a box of junk at an auction.  What he found was a thousand negatives taken with such skill, he went looking for information on the artist behind them.  Starting with a scrap of paper bearing the name Vivian Maier, Maloof fell down a rabbit hole, uncovering the life of an extraordinary and impossibly secretive woman.  Vivian Maier never married, never spoke about her family, and never encouraged anyone to pry into her life.  She worked as a nanny through the 1970's and 80's, but each family had a completely different impression of her.  Some said she was warm and open and liked to be called Viv, others said that she was borderline abusive and wouldn't respond to anything but Ms. Maier.  She used aliases at shops for no apparent reason.  She hoarded newspapers and tchotchkes.  She also took thousands upon thousands of beautiful photographs, revealing an incredible talent for capturing light and shadow on people's faces.

I was completely sucked in by the mystery of what the hell happened in this woman's life to make her so incapable of connecting with other people except through a camera lens.  The documentary doesn't really have answers, since Vivian Maier died and left no one to confirm anything about her, but really what else is there to know that can't be gleaned from her body of work?  John Maloof had already found her when he looked at her pictures and appreciated them.  There's her soul.  The rest is just history.

The Dukes of Hazzard (2005)

  

  This movie is the antithesis of comedy.  I feel like it actually subtracted laughter from my life.  There was not a single moment that was not idiotic, overblown, and cribbed from far better comedies.

Bo (Seann William Scott) and Luke (Johnny Knoxville) Duke are cousins who use their orange Dodge Charger, the General Lee, to run their Uncle Jesse's (Willie Nelson) moonshine all across their home county of Hazzard, Georgia.  But when their farm is seized by local magnate Boss Hogg (Burt Reynolds), the boys discover that he plans to strip mine the town for coal.

This extended episode of Jackass was directed by Jay Chandrasekhar, one of the main forces behind the Broken Lizard comedy troupe, responsible for --really only the one hit-- Super Troopers.  Chandrasekhar pulls in his other troop members to try and liven up the proceedings, but only succeeds in making me wish I had watched Super Troopers again.

Believe it or not, I used to watch the original Dukes of Hazzard when I was a little girl.  I even had a Daisy Duke TV tray.  I don't remember much about the episodes (I was around five or six) but I remember enjoying them.  I did not enjoy this remake.  Even though it has people that I usually really like.  James Roday (Psych), Lynda Carter (Wonder Woman), and Michael Weston all did their best but they were paddling up a waterfall of suck.  No wonder no one from the original cast wanted to be a part of it.

The Book of Life (2014)

  I really wish I had seen this in theaters when it came out.  You need a huge screen to really appreciate the spectacular eye-popping colors on display.

Childhood friends Manolo (Diego Luna) and Joaquin (Channing Tatum) find themselves unwittingly at the center of a huge cosmic bet.  Lords of the Dead La Muerte (Kate del Castillo) and Xibalba (Ron Perlman) wager on each man to win the hand of the lovely Maria (Zoe Saldana).  Whoever's champion triumphs will get control of both realms of the dead:  the bright and cheerful Land of the Remembered and the gray, desolate Land of the Forgotten.  After a tragic accident, Manolo dies and must fight his way back across all three realms to save his town and be with the woman he loves.

You all know how much I dislike Channing Tatum.  He's almost at Franco levels of dislike, but roles like this (where I can't see his face) give him a small measure of redemption.  Fortunately, even though he is one of the three main characters, he is on screen for only a limited amount of time.

There were so many things to like about this movie.  I liked that Maria was strong and independent, continuing a trend in film that I appreciate.  I also liked how there wasn't really a villain.  They could have made Joaquin completely corrupt and very one-note, but instead there's a more complicated angle of two legitimately good men who are trying to escape the shadows of their fathers.  If there was one thing in the film that was completely off-putting, it was the inclusion of Ice Cube as the Candlemaker.  Nothing against the man, it just seemed like a very odd choice.  Other than that, this is a top-notch film and I think it stands just as tall as the Oscar nominees for this year.