It Happened One Night (1934)

  I finally have a break from TV shows so I'm working through quite the backlog of posts.  This comes to you from my Columbia Best Picture collection.  It won five Oscars total, including Best Actor, Best Actress, Best Director, and Best Writing, Adaptation.

An heiress (Claudette Colbert) jumps off her father's yacht in Miami rather than have her precipitous marriage to an aviator (Jameson Thomas).  She wants to get to her beloved in New York but must outwit the various private investigators and flunkies hired by her father.  On the bus, she meets a reporter (Clark Gable) who is traveling the same way.  He agrees to help her cross the country for an exclusive on her story.  Along the way, they fall for each other.

This remains a thoroughly charming picture, if totally dated.  I've never cared for Clark Gable as a leading man but Colbert is wonderful, managing to be snarky and sweet without seeming disingenuous.  This would be a great date night film, especially if it's cold and/or rainy out.

Red Dawn (2012)

  This is probably a much more thematically appropriate film for Memorial Day but I can't be bothered to keep up with these kinds of things.

After a full-scale invasion by North Korea into the United States, a group of teens from outside Spokane, Washington, take to the hills to launch a guerrilla warfare campaign against the oppressors. Jed (Chris Hemsworth), the de facto leader, has to turn a bunch of suburban kids into elite warriors but must contend with his younger brother, Matt's (Josh Peck), lone-wolf mentality.

As a remake, this turns up the volume on violence and is structurally more pleasing than the 1984 original.  That might simply be from having actors that are currently recognizable.  I know who Josh Peck is because of the Internet, but I didn't grow up watching him on the Disney Channel.  He stuck out as the off-key note for me.

I'm still of the opinion that this should never have been made as a drama.  The premise is totally ludicrous, even more so now that the Cold War is over and we have no Big Bad as the enemy in the real world.  North Korea couldn't invade a picnic basket, much less an industrialized nation on the scale of the United States.  The original script called for the movie to have China as the invading force, which makes more sense in terms of manpower but none at all in strategy.  China doesn't have to parachute troops in; they already own us financially.  Case in point, this movie was shelved for two years to reshoot the villains so as not to offend the Chinese and lose a multi-billion dollar revenue stream.

You smell that?  That's irony.

Purple Rain (1984)

Happy Memorial Day!  True story:  I had "When Doves Cry" stuck in my head for four days after watching this.

This might get me some hate but Purple Rain is not a great movie, Oscars notwithstanding.  It is a great music video though.  And now the only chance for most of us to ever see Prince in concert.

Minneapolis club singer The Kid (Prince) is trying to break into the big leagues while dealing with an abusive family life, divisions within his band, and the machinations of rival singer Morris (Morris Day).  A beautiful stranger (Apollonia) comes to town with dreams of becoming a star but is she just another distraction for The Kid?

The weirdest thing about this movie is the fact that Prince is from Minnesota.  It's like finding an orchid growing in a hockey rink.  Keeping it set in downtown Minneapolis is one thing but there are stretches of bucolic highways and tranquil lakes while the cast remains in leather and velvet club gear.  The juxtaposition kept taking me out of the experience somewhat.

Like I said, you shouldn't really go into this for the plot, the costumes, or the scenery.  (Well, maybe the costumes.)  You should be watching this for Prince, for a chance to see a legend perform, and it should go without saying that this is one of the best soundtracks an 80's movie ever produced.

The Island (2005)

  This is one of the few Micheal Bay movies that I enjoy unreservedly.

Lincoln Six Echo (Ewan McGregor) believes that he is one of a handful of survivors of a worldwide pathogen that has contaminated the Earth.  The only safe place is the Island, a paradise attainable by lottery.  Lincoln has a lot of questions, however, that are not being adequately answered by the head of the colony, Dr. Merrick (Sean Bean).  He breaks protocol repeatedly to find his own answers but there was no way he could have imagined the truth until he sees his fellow "survivors" being dissected for parts.  When his best friend, Jordan Two Delta (Scarlett Johansson) is chosen for the lottery, Lincoln knows he has to get her to escape with him.

There is an old B-movie from the 70's called Parts:  The Clonus Horror which seems like the progenitor of this story.  Parts is a terrible movie and I only saw it because of Mystery Science Theater 3000.  In it, a clone living in a manufactured world also discovers the truth and seeks to bring attention to his plight.  It's way more depressing, though, and doesn't have nearly as many explosions.

The Island is set in a near future but based off believable tech so it doesn't feel like it was made eleven years ago.  Whether or not it will remain that way for another decade, I do not know.  This is basically just a guilty pleasure for me because I like Ewan McGregor and explosions.

Incendies (2010)

  God, this was a depressing slog.  And totally predictable if you're a cynical human being.  Which I am.

Upon the reading of their mother's will, twins Jeanne (Melissa Desormeaux-Poulin) and Simon (Maxim Gaudette) receive some bizarre instructions.  Jeanne is to seek out the twins' father, who did not die in the Lebanese Civil War as they had been told, and Simon is to look for a hitherto unknown brother.  These revelations send the twins on a journey halfway round the world as they attempt to discover who their mother really was, and by extension, who they are.

Don't see this movie.  Honestly, unless you are the type of person who enjoys pitch-black dramas concerning war crimes, degradation, and twisted family dynamics, there is no reason to put yourself through this.

Iron Man 3 (2013)

Okay, after some time to let the dust settle, I have to say that this is absolutely the weakest entry in the entire Marvel canon.  I know, it hurts me too.  It still has many lovely moments but taken as a whole it adds almost nothing to the universe.

I couldn't figure out the point of Rebecca Hall's character at all in this film.  There was already one major red herring so the inclusion of a second one just seemed stupid.  She is completely extraneous until you consider that the original script called for a female villain.  Marvel nixed the idea because they didn't think it would sell as many toys.  (That is actually true.)  Enter Aldrich Killian's (Guy Pearce) inclusion, eclipsing Hall's character.  It's a shame because the idea of a "power behind the throne" is much more typically feminine.

I would love to say that this is another stellar entry in an already stratospheric franchise but it was not allowed to be as awesome as it could have been.  And that's always a shame.  Originally posted 05 May 13.  Nominated for:  Best Visual Effects    Hell yes, I went to the midnight premiere.  Why am I only posting this now?  Well, because I had two other movies drafted and I like to keep a certain order.  Deal with it.  Plus, this gives everyone more time to have seen it already.

You have seen it, haven't you?  What are you waiting for?

If you've seen the first two, then you know exactly what you're getting.  After the events of The Avengers, Tony Stark (Robert Downey, Jr.) is having a hard time coming to terms with a much more expanded universe than he ever thought possible.  This manifests in night terrors, insomnia, and full-blown anxiety attacks.  His PTSD is also starting to have a negative effect on his relationship with Pepper (Gwyneth Paltrow).  When his former bodyguard, Happy (Jon Favreau), is injured in a bomb blast orchestrated by shadowy Ten Rings leader, the Mandarin (Ben Kingsley), Tony finds an outlet for all his rage and frustration.  But global terrorism might not be the only game in town.

I'm not going to do any spoilers.  I have read interviews where RDJ has said that Avengers 2 will be the last appearance of Tony Stark, because he feels he's getting too old for the role.  I can understand that, because the man turned 48 this year.  If that is the case, then Iron Man 3 ends his arc on a great note.  There is some great character development and a real sense of completeness.  It's dark without feeling oppressive, funny without feeling slapstick, and still leaves room for a greater story to be told.  Christy thought that it was the best of the series so far.  I wouldn't go that far, since I still had a few issues with it.

One being the overuse of the Extremis special effect.  The red skin and glowing eyes were cool at first, but then they just got a little old.  There were a ton of new Iron Man suits but not enough time to really differentiate between them, so it kind of ended up looking like a hodgepodge.  This does not mean I didn't enjoy the hell out of this film, because I did.  Buying it is kind of a given, seeing as I'm completely invested in the Marvel series now but I would get this one ungrudgingly.

On a side note, I was seriously hoping that the Extremis storyline was kind of a build-up to a Swamp Thing movie.  I know Guillermo Del Toro has been in talks to do a Dark Universe film featuring that character, John Constantine, and Zatanna.  Wikipedia, however, tells me that I'm smoking crack and I should get a grip because that's not what's happening.  Sometimes reality is cruel. 

Real Genius (1985)

  This is one of those gems from the 80's that I was too young for and missed its cultural zenith.  Obviously it's not going to have the same impact it might have had for people who grew up with it but it does still have an incredibly young Val Kilmer doing his best to be as zany as a Looney Tunes cartoon.

Teenaged genius Mitch (Gabriel Jarrett) is initially ecstatic to be chosen by Professor Hathaway (William Atherton) to work on a project building a new laser because it brings him into proximity with his idol, teen genius cum total slacker Chris Knight (Val Kilmer).  Mitch soon learns that Hathaway is not a benevolent overlord and that he is essentially holding Knight's future hostage to force him to work on the project.  The two geniuses must come up with a plan to foil their work being used in a CIA black bag weapon before it's too late.

This isn't as annoying or preachy as some of the Cold War-era films.  It's still an 80's movie so there are several montages set to catchy pop tunes, big hair, and horrendous fashion.  It holds up despite all that, thanks to an eminently quotable script, but I'm sure nostalgia adds another coat of gloss.

Ip Man 2 (2010)

Okay, so I kinda watched these back to back.  Except with another movie and an anime series in between.  It was in the span of a week, though, so I'm gonna say it was true to the intent.  Otherwise, I found myself making comparisons once again to the Jet Li movie, Fearless, since both franchises deal with restoring national pride and taking on foreign fighters in highly publicized matches.  Did this sort of thing happen a lot or is it one of those storytelling tropes that plays well with the home audience?  Ip Man and Huo Yuanjia are such romanticized figures it's hard to know without really researching it.  It's still a great series of movies and I can't recommend them more highly.  Originally posted 08 Mar 14.    It is the rare sequel that improves upon the original but Ip Man 2 definitely makes the grade.

After the uprising in Foshan, Master Ip Man (Donnie Yen) moves to Hong Kong and tries to open up a new Wing Chun studio.  The way is definitely slow going, however, as he faces opposition from uppity students (Simon Yam) and local martial arts masters (Sammo Hung).  Ip perseveres, however, winning the respect of all his peers.  Then, he is drawn in to the tensions between the native Chinese and the ruling Brits as a corrupt police officer (Charles Mayer) sets up a boxing match between the world champion (Darren Shahlavi) and any comers.

Sammo Hung!  Do you need another reason to watch this?  He did all of the fight choreography and it is amazing.  Granted, it is wire work but it looks fantastic and isn't that enough?

I haven't seen Wong Kar-Wai's version of the Ip Man legend but, so far, this is my favorite adaptation.  Donnie Yen is note-perfect in his humility and warmth without ever coming across as simple or false.  The first movie did a good job of setting that up, so there's less character development here.  It's almost like one movie that was cut into two parts.  I would recommend watching them back to back and not almost a year apart like I did.  That's what I will do next time, after I buy these.

North Country (2005)

  This movie was super uncomfortable to watch.  That is actually to its credit, since it is about really uncomfortable subjects like sexual harassment and rape culture in general.  There were moments when I wanted to take a really hot shower with a brillo pad and there were moments where I wanted to punch my TV.  The point is that I had a reaction, which is exactly what should have happened.

Josey Aimes (Charlize Theron) just wants a job where she can support her kids and not have to rely on her abusive ex-husband (Marcus Chalt).  She takes a position at the coal mine, which has reluctantly opened its doors to female employees, but soon finds the constant harassment and oppressive environment too much for any sane person to tolerate.  She hires former hockey star-turned-lawyer Bill White (Woody Harrelson) to file a class-action sexual harassment lawsuit against the company, setting a national precedent.

This movie is studded with great actors from Amber Heard and Sean Bean to Jeremy Renner, Sissy Spacek and Richard Jenkins.  It is astonishing that I had never heard of it before Christy chose it as her May pick.

Do you guys really need me to go on a long rant here about equality in the workplace?  Because I will.  A lot of things are now covered by legislation protecting the rights of women but that does not mean that the world is magically fair and balanced.  Sexism is still a major issue; it's just taken a less overt form.  So I don't want to hear any bullshit about how it's 2016 and why are women still complaining about harassment?  It is a real thing that will continue to hold people back until it is addressed with social changes on a grand scale.  The End.

Ip Man (2008)

I had to buy this movie.  It was too good not to.  This time, I think I was paying more attention maybe.  I don't know.  People seemed more familiar and I don't think I can claim that because I saw it once three years ago and remembered everything.  I'm good but I don't think I'm that good.  If you haven't seen this, the third film is coming out on video soon if it's not out already.  Obviously, I am going to buy it as well.  Originally posted 10 Mar 13.    I got a snow day on Wednesday this week even though it didn't really snow.  It was too cold to go to the mailbox, however, so I stayed in and watched one from my Streaming queue.  I had been looking forward to this one for a while now and it totally delivered.

Ip Man (Donnie Yen) is the number one kung fu master in all of the province of Fo Shan.  He doesn't have a full-time school, he just basically swans around his big-ass house and fights polite duels with any requestors.  All that changes during the Japanese invasion of Manchuria.  Stripped of his wealth and possessions, Master Ip takes a job hauling coal with all the other out-of-work martial arts masters.  An old colleague, now a translator for the Japanese, comes around offering the fighters a chance at a sack of rice if they are willing to fight Japanese karate experts for the amusement of General Miura (Hiroyuki Ikeuchi).  Ip isn't interested until one of his friends goes and doesn't come back.

Then it is serious ass-kicking time. 

There have been several movies where the hero wanders in and beats the shit out of an entire room full of people:  Jet Li in Fist of Legend, Min-Sik Choi in Oldboy, Jet Li again in Kiss of the Dragon.  It never gets old, people. 

Plot-wise, this reminded me a great deal of the second half of Fearless, which may have been the only criticism I could lay against it. 

Zootopia (2016)

  I had really high hopes for this movie and it just did not live up to my expectations.

Judy Hopps (Ginnifer Goodwin) has had one goal her entire life:  leave her parents' carrot farm and become a cop in the sprawling metropolis of Zootopia.  She works her fluffy cottontail off and graduates from the academy first in her class but is soon relegated to meter maid by an incensed police chief (Idris Elba) resentful at being forced to hire a token prey animal.  Judy still believes she has a place on the force and seizes her opportunities where she can, which brings her into association with Nick Wilde (Jason Bateman), a slick con artist out for himself.  The two must overcome instilled prejudices of their differing species and work together to figure out why formerly law-abiding predators have suddenly turned savage.

There were a lot of really cute moments in this film.  It is a Disney movie, after all.  Unfortunately, they were overshadowed by a tone-deaf script with more jokes and themes for adults than for kids.  Racism is an extremely complex and important issue and absolutely should be something parents talk about with their children.  I just don't think this is the right movie for that talk.  I think kids will get the overall points (don't judge people based on appearances, stereotyping is bad, fear can be used to effectively control a population) but there are smoother ways to go about it.

Also, I had yet another abysmal theater experience where people could not or would not control their small children with one mother actually taking selfies with her kids during the movie.  What is wrong with people?  These were two different theaters in two different cities so it's not a particular chain or area that is the problem.  People just do not know how to behave at the theater anymore.  It's actually really depressing because that was one of my absolute favorite things to do and I've just been soured on it.

So Much More TV

Posts have been rather light on the ground the past couple of weekends, as I'm sure you've noticed.  That's because I've been watching a lot of TV shows, mostly old ones, and a few anime.  I've been trying to weed through stuff on the server Rob left me to see what I can get rid of so I can add more of my movie collection.  I ran out of space and I'm only up to the letter "F".

  I watched both seasons of the tragically short Invader Zim, a cartoon from 90's Nickelodeon.  This was the era I think the network realized that not just children watched their shows because they produced some of the weirdest shit. 

An alien invader is banished to Earth by his superiors after he single-handedly ruined their last major operation.  Zim thinks his new job is to conquer Earth but he's too inept to really accomplish anything.  The matter is further complicated by a local boy obsessed with conspiracy theories who constantly tries to expose Zim as an alien to a mostly apathetic populace.

I think this cartoon is really ripe for a resurgence.  It's weird and cynical enough for today's kids to get behind.

I tired to watch an anime called Ragnarok:  The Animation but deleted it after two episodes.  It just wasn't interesting to me.


I had better luck with the next one I tried, Ranma 1/2.    This is a very old anime from the late 80's/early 90's.  You can tell because every character has the exact same face, just different hair and clothes.

A boy training to be a martial artist with his father accidentally falls into a cursed spring and now, whenever he is exposed to cold water, he turns into a girl.  Hot water turns him back into a boy.

This one is mostly just silly but at least I wasn't horribly bored.

  Ok, so I really enjoyed this show.  Here's my problem with it:  the season finale is missing.  There are supposed to be 12 episodes and there are only 11 in the folder.  I was so angry because a lot of shit has gone down over the course of the season and I have no idea what they are going to do in the finale.  And I have to wait to find out until I can get disc 4 from Netflix because it's not available on streaming!

Ray Donovan (Liev Schreiber) is a fixer in Los Angeles.  Wake up with a dead hooker?  Call Ray.  Tabloids caught you with a transvestite on Sunset again?  Call Ray.  But when his father (Jon Voight) gets an early release from prison and comes calling, Ray's carefully ordered life starts to fall apart.

This brings me to my current show, Read or Die.    I had seen the OVA several years ago and enjoyed it.  I'm four episodes in to the TV series and it's a little slower but I'm going to stick with it.

An author receiving death threats hires a trio of bodyguards and soon realizes that all three young women have the same ability to manipulate paper into weapons, familiars, and other objects as her friend who mysteriously went missing (after the events in the OVA).

A Separation (2011)

  This won Best Foreign Language Film at the Oscars a few years ago and kicked off a resurgence in Iranian film.  Too bad it's so deadly boring.

A married couple file for divorce but cannot agree on custody of their daughter.  The wife, Simin (Leila Hatami), has secured visas to get them out of Iran but the husband, Nader (Peyman Moaadi), will not leave his elderly father, suffering from advanced Alzheimer's, behind.  After Simin moves out, Nader hires Razieh (Sareh Bayat) to look after his dad while he's at work.  Razieh is very religious and has deep misgivings about her assignments but desperately needs the money.  One day, Nader returns from work early to find that Razieh has tied his father to a bed and left the apartment to run her own errands.  An altercation ensues and Nader throws her out of the house.  He later finds out that she was hospitalized and suffered a miscarriage.  Razieh's husband presses charges and Nader finds himself up for murder.  Then the entire thing devolves into each side trying to get the most they can out of the situation while revealing the least amount of secrets.

Honestly, I was so bored watching this I wanted to throw myself down a flight of stairs.  I just didn't care about any of these people.  That probably makes it a great recommendation for all of you who are interested in character dramas.  You'll most likely enjoy the interplay between both couples, each struggling separately and in pairs to get the most out of their lives.  You might have sympathy for Razieh trying to balance her religious beliefs with her more practical need to keep her husband out of debtor's prison.  Or for Nader who doesn't really want his wife to leave him but who can't unbend his pride enough to tell her so.

I didn't.  I hated all of them.

Cloud Atlas (2012)

  It took me three attempts to watch this movie because Netflix kept sending me scratched discs.  That was a huge pain in the ass and did, unfortunately, rob this film of momentum.

It's kind of impossible to describe the plot, seeing as it's told non-linearly and concerns the various permutations of souls through the reaches of time.  It moves from a young man (Jim Sturgess) who falls ill on a South Pacific journey in 1849, to a frustrated composer (Ben Whishaw) reading the man's travel record in 1932, to a journalist (Halle Berry) hearing the composer's work while piecing together a story on corruption in a nuclear facility in the 70's, to a publisher (Jim Broadbent) writing his memoirs in 2012, to the far-flung dystopian future where a fabricant --think replicants from Blade Runner-- (Doona Bae) realizes her place in the world is not what it seems, to an even further post-apocaplytic future where the fate of humanity's final days is held by one man (Tom Hanks).

See what I mean?

The Wachowski twins play with concepts of destiny, good and evil, race, gender, and social order.  Every actor plays multiple parts through the arcs and it takes a quick eye to spot them all.  The result is a transcendent piece of filmmaking that I highly recommend.

Captain America: Civil War (2016)

  Oh you knew I had to see this.  I almost wish I hadn't because my theater experience was so annoying.  I would almost rather have waited to see it at home where I could have watched it without a couple hundred distractions.  I will get to those.  First, the movie.

The world has grown fed up with the massive destruction wrought whenever superpowered individuals work out their differences.  The new Secretary of State (William Hurt) presents the Avengers with the Sokovia Accords, a mandate that allows their future actions to be managed by a United Nations council.  Tony Stark (Robert Downey, Jr.) is all too eager to sign, feeling the need to restore some order and balance out their absurd levels of power.  Steve Rogers (Chris Evans) is opposed, still leery about that whole Hydra-inside-of-SHIELD event to allow his future to be led by committee.  Then the Accord signing is bombed and the prime suspect is the Winter Soldier (Sebastian Stan).  T'Challa (Chadwick Boseman), prince of Wakanda, swears vengeance against Bucky for the death of his father and Tony has orders to shoot on sight.  Steve is willing to go to the mat against his own team to save his friend, especially once he learns that a mysterious figure named Zemo (Daniel Bruhl) has gone to great lengths to locate the other participants in the Winter Soldier program.  Team Iron Man and Team Captain America pull together as many recruits as they can in a battle of conflicting loyalties and ideologies.

Whew.  There was a lot going on in this film!  And yet it's handled so deftly that none of it feels like a boatload of exposition being dumped on you.  There are a ton of characters to keep track of, existing and new, and I thought the writers did a very good job of managing to keep Cap and Stark in the middle while still giving everyone a chance to show who they are.  The best moments for me weren't the big action pieces, they were the small interactions between characters which sometimes happened in the middle of the big action pieces.  Sam (Anthony Mackie) and Bucky in the car and Sam and Bucky vs Spider-Man (Tom Holland) are my two new favorite things.

Now we move into my least favorite things:  1) People who ask questions during a movie.  2) People who ask questions because they've clearly never seen a single Marvel movie before deciding to jump in at movie number 11.  3) People who get up and leave from the middle of the row during fight scenes.  Pee before you get to the theater or make sure you have an aisle seat.  4) People who bring small children.  5) People who get up from the middle of the row during fight scenes to take their small children to the bathroom.  AISLE SEATS!  6) People who allow their small children to run rampant up and down the row, climbing over the seats, slamming arm rests up and down during the post-credit sequences.  My hatred for all of you knows no bounds.

People.  I implore, beg, beseech, and adjure you.  Do not do these things.  By all means, go see Civil War.  Just don't be an asshole about it.

The Pursuit of Happyness (2006)

  I just deleted this off the server.  Not because it's necessarily a bad movie, it's just not one that I'd ever watch again.

Chris Gardner (Will Smith) is a struggling salesman trying to provide for his family.  A chance encounter with a stockbroker gives Chris the idea to apply for a prestigious internship but the strain of abject poverty weighs down his every decision.

For people who don't know what it's like to be really poor -- I mean seriously poor, like "don't know where you're going to sleep tonight" poor, not "can't afford the latest palette from Urban Decay" poor-- this movie is a chance to see what that looks like.  It is a constant source of stress and fear.  It can make people bitter with envy or it can motivate them to improve their station by any means available.  For the rare few like Chris Gardner, it works out.  For the majority, they get just enough to keep grinding on another day, week, month, year.

I'm not going to discuss the social issues presented in this movie because I'm not qualified.  I have no data or salient facts and I'm just as likely as the rest of you to turn a blind eye.  I hate that about myself but I admit it.  I am, however, going to discuss this movie.

Will Smith stars with his actual son, Jaden, playing his fake son.  The boy is surprisingly natural (compared to his current career) and the relationship works.  Thandiwe Newton has a brief role as Gardner's shrewish, brittle wife but she's not in the movie long enough to really make an impression.  The entire movie rests on Will Smith's shoulders and he's a capable enough actor but the whole affair is swamped in treacly melodrama masquerading as pathos.  That is not something I enjoy.

We Need to Talk About Kevin (2011)

  Today I stumbled upon one of those rare gems:  the horror movie not billed as a horror movie.  Personally, I think that is a dirty trick on the part of the filmmaker to sucker people in and not give them all the facts up front.  This is listed as a drama and does not mention the pervasive creeping dread in every frame.  But because I love you all, I am willing to break this chain of silence.

Eva (Tilda Swinton) knows her fifteen-year-old son Kevin (Ezra Miller) is a monster.  She has always known.  But nobody believes her.  To everyone else, including her husband (John C. Reilly), Kevin is a normal boy, a bit temperamental maybe but basically good.  Eva knows better.  She knows what Kevin did to his little sister's guinea pig.  And she suspects Kevin is the reason her daughter lost an eye.  But what can she do with no proof, until it's all too late?

For real, this is one of the most disturbing films I've seen in a looooooooong time.  All I can say is that I am so grateful I don't have and never wanted kids.

Punisher: War Zone (2008)

  Ok, I hated this movie.  There was nothing about it that was good.  I don't understand the people who told me that this was the "best Punisher movie" to come out.  They were clearly delusional.  I suspect hallucinations brought on by food poisoning since they all seemed to have recovered their reason in a short amount of time.

Frank Castle (Ray Stevenson) is on a one-man mission to clean up New York City by taking down various organized crime families.  He accidentally shoots an undercover FBI agent during one of these stings and is immediately wracked with guilt.  The surviving mobster, cut up by glass shards, renames himself Jigsaw (Dominic West) and swears vengeance on Castle.  In order to draw the vigilante out, Jigsaw and his brother, Loony Bin Jim (Doug Hutchison), abduct the FBI agent's widow (Julie Benz) and child (Stephanie Janusauskas).

This had some of the worst accents I have ever heard delivering terrible lines of dialogue, completely unrelieved by any attempts at humor.  You know I'm a fan of gratuitous violence but you have to throw in something a little different every so often so the audience doesn't get desensitized.  After thirty minutes, I was bored by people getting shot in the face.  That is a feeling you want to avoid in an action movie.

The Lost Skeleton of Cadavra (2001)

  I am a big fan of spoofs done well.  This is almost too on-the-nose but manages to pull off a gleeful skewering of 1950's B-grade sci-fi.

Dr. Paul Armstrong (Larry Blamire, who also wrote and directed this film) and his wife Betty (Fay Masterson) are staying in a remote cabin so Armstrong can study a meteorite he believes contains the rare element atmosphereum.  But a rival scientist named Fleming (Brian Howe) is also after the atmosphereum to revive the ancient Lost Skeleton, who turns out to be kind of a dick, and a pair of aliens also need the element to repair their damaged ship.

This is definitely a throwback to the Ed Wood style of filmmaking.  The dialogue is intentionally wooden, the special effects are laughable, and the plot is tissue-paper thin.  If you are a fan of Mystery Science Theater 3000, you'll probably enjoy this film even without the commentary.  It reminded me very much of some of their offerings.

Rubber (2010)

  I know I've mentioned this one before but I finally got a chance to sit down and watch it.  It is totally insane, beyond anything I could have imagined.

A lone tire in the desert comes to life and discovers that it has psychic powers.  It rolls around blowing up animals and eventually people, while also stalking a pretty traveler (Roxane Mesquida).

Does that sound crazy to you?  Because it doesn't cover half the insanity in this film.  The premise was enough to intrigue me but I wasn't sure if it would work for the whole film.  How far can you go with a main character who has no means of expressing emotion?  Pretty damn far, as it turns out.  I immediately recommended this to two of my friends and now I'm extending that invitation to all of you with a Netflix account.  It's on Streaming and it's totally worth it.