Hacksaw Ridge (2016)

  This was nominated for Best Picture, Best Actor, Best Director, and Best Sound Editing, and won Best Sound Mixing and Best Film Editing.

Desmond Doss (Andrew Garfield) is a man of strong convictions.  A Seventh-Day Adventist and conscientious objector, Doss enlists in the Army as a medic over the objections of his father (Hugo Weaving) and his girlfriend (Teresa Palmer).  During basic training, he is subjected to severe hazing because of his refusal to carry a firearm.  His sergeant (Vince Vaughn) and captain (Sam Worthington) believe Doss to be a potential liability and attempt to force him to quit, going so far as to bring court-martial proceedings.  Doss prevails, however, and is shipped off to Okinawa, Japan to join the offensive on Hacksaw Ridge.

This is based on the true account of Congressional Medal of Honor winner Desmond Doss, the first conscientious objector to receive it.  The actual story is extremely inspiring and the few clips of Doss and other survivors during the end credits are very moving.  I would totally have watched a documentary about this guy.  Unfortunately, the rest of the movie does not really do justice to its subject.

In Mel Gibson's hands, Doss becomes very Christ-like, dealing with his tribulations and accusers serenely, and sorrowfully aware that they should be forgiven for they know not what they do.  Garfield flashes those wounded puppy-dog eyes at the camera and expects viewers to just melt with sympathy.  He even achieves a cinematic apotheosis at the end of the film as the camera pulls away from underneath, leaving him floating up into the sky with the others of God's choosing.  It's a little much.  Granted, I am a deeply cynical person who does not appreciate such obvious emotional blackmail, so your mileage may vary.  It's competently made and Vaughn is more entertaining that he probably should be.  That's the nicest thing I can say about it.

Alien 3 (1992)

  This is a terrible poster.  It does the movie no justice whatsoever.

LT Ripley (Sigourney Weaver) is once again the lone survivor after her craft suffers a malfunction which jettisons the sleep pods into space.  She lands on a prison planet run by a skeleton crew of 25 criminals, two administrators, and a medical officer.  As upset as she is that her friends are dead, she is more dismayed by the evidence that an alien had gotten on board and caused the initial malfunction.  She doesn't want to tell anyone her suspicions but her erratic behavior is a concern for Clemens (Charles Dance), the medical officer.  Then people start dying.

It seems like no one ever wants to acknowledge this film as part of the Alien canon but it's actually a really important part.  This is the first time we see the xenomorph come from a non-human host, which tells us that the host does affect the parasite in some ways.  In this case, it's an ox so the resulting alien is larger right out of the gate and also a quadruped primarily.  Part of that is because this is the first movie to try CGI to show us the alien as opposed to a guy in a suit.  The CGI has not held up as well as the practical effects but the filmmakers probably wouldn't have known that at the time.

It's also a big step in the evolution of Ripley as a character.  She goes from virgin (as in never having experienced anything like the xenomorph, not sexual virgin) in Alien to mother in Aliens to martyr.  By this third go around, she knows exactly what is going to happen and is willing to sacrifice herself to save others.  No more of the traumatized "I don't want to have anything to do with it" attitude from Aliens.  She has accepted her destiny.  And then things get weird for Alien:  Resurrection but we'll get to that in a later post.

This installment was directed by David Fincher, continuing the trend of having a new perspective for each chapter.  Up until this point, Fincher had only done music videos and documentaries; this was his feature debut.  He went on to do Fight Club, Se7en, Gone Girl, and weirdly, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button.  So, if Ridley Scott was the master of dread, and James Cameron kept us on the edge of our seats, then Fincher made our skin crawl.  Maybe that's not your preferred flavor of horror but I dig it.  The previous two movies left us with some hope, but Fincher strips that away like the illusion that it is.  Evil is everywhere in the Fincher-verse and all you can pray for is to remain as changed by it as little as possible.

TV Again

Okay, so I thought I'd spend my spring break blowing through my Netflix queue so I could bring back the Christy Experiment but I ended up spending practically the entire week trying to get my DVR under 90% full so it wouldn't start deleting things I haven't watched yet.  TV is a huge time commitment, you guys.  That's why I don't review it for the most part.  I just can't sit down and binge watch an entire season and have enough to talk about three times a week.  But occasionally it becomes necessary.

I literally just got around to watching the latter half of Scream Queens season 2 that aired back around Thanksgiving.    I do love this show but it was always going to be a struggle after the epic first season.  They did their best here by moving from the college to a hospital and bringing on some fresh blood but it didn't quite live up to expectations.  Better luck next season.

I watched the entirety of The Librarians season 3 in about two days.  This year brought a new villain --Apep, god of chaos-- and new, dangerous choices between science and magic for the team.  Honestly, this is an adorably quirky show and I feel like it'll always be one step away from getting cancelled so I just enjoy it while it lasts.

I finally started watching Stranger Things, thanks to Tom and Hollie, who refuse to let me slip into pop culture unfamiliarity.  I'm only up to episode 4, though, so no spoilers!    So far, I completely understand what all the hype is about.  It's an intriguing mix of weirdness and heart.  Like Twin Peaks meets The Goonies.  I'd like to keep watching it with my friends, but I understand scheduling conflicts.

Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. has broken their fourth season into different story arcs.  The first half was Ghost Rider and the second half is Life Model Decoy or LMD.
  Basically, they're totally ripping off two excellent movies with this second half:  Invasion of the Body Snatchers and The Matrix.  New episodes come back in April and better have a satisfactory conclusion to justify this blatant cribbing.  A lot of people hate on AoS, but at least they're consistently trying to broaden out the Marvel world.

Unlike Blindspot season two, where they're just going to rehash the entire first season but now it's a dude with no memory.     Not that dude.  If you have the good sense not to watch this show, let me break it down for you.  In season one, Jane Doe (Jamie Alexander) was dumped naked in Times Square covered in tattoos and with no memory.  The season involved her working with the FBI to decipher each tattoo, leading to various plots and scandals as she tried to solve crime and recover her identity.  By season two, we've learned that her real name is Remy and she's a terrorist (seriously) who was adopted from a Fight Club-styled orphanage with her brother, Roman (Luke Mitchell) by a mysterious woman named Shepherd (Michelle Hurd) who has a bone to pick with the entire US government.  Remy dosed Roman with the same amnesia drug that she got and wash, rinse, repeat.  And if you're thinking "God, did NBC really decide to go with Romulus and Remus knockoff names for their main characters?" the answer is I know, right?! Ugh.

I am mostly done with Marvel's Iron Fist on Netflix.    There are some issues with it, yes, but I don't know that it deserves an 18% on Rotten Tomatoes.  I'd put it at about the same level as season 2 of Daredevil.  Danny Rand (Finn Jones) was presumed dead at age 10 when the plane he was on with his parents crashed in the Himalayas.  Danny survived and was taken in by the monks of Kunlun, a mystical place in an alternate dimension only accessible every fifteen years.  While he was waiting for Earth to become available again, Danny trained incessantly to become a living weapon, the Immortal Iron Fist, able to channel his qi into amazing feats of strength.  His mission in life is to eradicate the evil organization known as the Hand, conveniently located in Midtown Manhattan using his father's company, Rand Enterprises, as a cover to bring in synthetic heroin.

Most people have taken exception to the idea of a blond, blue-eyed white guy appropriating Asian culture.  This is a concern, overall, in the entertainment industry where Asian American actors are very underrepresented.  I do think that Marvel and Netflix missed an opportunity to show more diversity but they chose to go with the representation presented in the source comics.  Okay.  That's a style choice.  My problem with the show is that the character just isn't that interesting.  For a 25-year-old man who's been steeped in Buddhist meditations and the discipline of kung fu for a decade, he's shockingly impulsive and childlike.  It makes him frustrating to watch, especially when he finally starts confronting the poisonously evil Madame Gao (Wai Ching Ho).

The best thing about this show, however, are the amazing female characters.  Colleen Wing (Jessica Henwick) is a total badass, Joy Meechum (Jessica Stroup) is an ice queen but impossible to dislike, Claire Temple (Rosario Dawson) is the glue holding all four Defenders together, and Madame Gao is pure evil wrapped in this tiny old lady body.  Also, possibly immortal and in possession of telekinetic powers.  #goals

Back on regular network TV, I sped through the first five episodes of NBC's Powerless, a workplace comedy about dealing with the collateral damage of a superhero-filled world.
  It's a fun, forgettable little show set in Wayne Security, a failing division of Wayne Enterprises.  Emily (Vanessa Hudgens) has moved to Charm City to be head of Research and Development and try to motivate the cynical engineers with her boundless optimism, while trying to mitigate interference from her boss, Van Wayne (Alan Tudyk), cousin to the more famous Bruce, who desperately wants them to develop a product that will get him promoted to the Gotham City office.  It's a nice, light popcorn show and it's got Alan Tudyk and a ton of DC references.

Last but not least is CW's Riverdale, the soapy, steamy update of perennial comic characters Archie, Betty, Veronica, and Jughead.    If I'm honest, this sounded like the worst idea for a TV show ever, but it's actually kind of amazing.  Part of it is because it's the CW so they've hired the hottest young people available and then have them barely dressed.  God bless them.  The other part is that they've made it a murder mystery full of snappy repartee and dark, hinted at secrets.  And musical numbers!  This could wind up being the best new show of 2017 but I'm only two episodes in and I haven't even started watching Legion on FX.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III (1993)

  None of the Ninja Turtle movies are great, but this one has got to be the dumbest as far as plot goes.

April O'Neil (Paige Turco) is trying to cheer the turtles up by bringing them flea market finds when she accidentally transports herself back in time to feudal Japan with a magic lantern.  (Told you it was stupid.)  In her place is transported Kenshin (Henry Hayashi), the rebellious son of Lord Norinaga (Sab Shimono).  The turtles get the bright idea to go after April by transporting four random people who just so happened to be handling the magic lamp at the same time.  They find themselves caught in the middle of a battle between Norinaga, the rebels, and an opportunistic English arms dealer (Stuart Wilson).

Seriously, this is one of the dumbest movies that ever got made.  It makes no logical sense on any level, especially once you start thinking about the time travel aspect.  My advice:  don't.  Don't think about it and don't watch this movie.  Unless maybe your life isn't complete without seeing Elias Koteas in a grubby pirate shirt and bad English accent.  In that case, maybe reevaluate your priorities and goals.  You're better than this.  Just believe in yourself and you can achieve great things.  Tell yourself that you deserve more than a shitty three-quel literally no one asked for, and know that it is true.

Arrival (2016)

  I'm still working my way through this year's crop of nominees, mostly because I loaded my Netflix queue and I can't add any new ones until I clear some of them out, including the Christy Experiment picks if you guys were wondering what happened to those.  They're coming.  Just not today.

Louise Brooks (Amy Adams) is one of the top experts on language so when alien ships arrive around the globe, she is tapped by the Army to attempt communication.  Louise and physicist Ian Donnelly (Jeremy Renner) are in it for the pure science of meeting an alien species, but others around the globe --and in their own backyards-- have different motives in mind.

This was a fascinating film in terms of story, editing, and communication.  There is a lot of information to unpack on multiple levels and I strongly encourage you to watch the film multiple times to really get as much as you can out of it.  I have a feeling that you will see something different in it every time.

I have not been terribly impressed with director Denis Villeneuve's other work.  I found them serviceable at best.  But this is on a whole different level.

Aliens (1986)

Once I made the new kid watch Alien, I had to follow it with Aliens.  I love all of the movies because they are all totally different genres explored by totally different directors.  It's like one of those writing games where you come up with a sentence, then the person next to you has to build off of it, and so on until you get a complete story.  Except you usually don't because there's always one asshole who ruins it for everyone because they think they're clever.  Anyway, if you happen to be one of the poor, unlucky souls never before exposed to the glory of this movie, do yourself a favor and fix that shit.  Originally posted 06 Mar 2013.    This is probably my favorite out of the series.  I love all of them but, gun to my head, this is my favorite.  It's just so quotable.

Rob had never seen it all the way through and Christy had never seen it at all.  It's like nobody loved them.

Ellen Ripley (Sigourney Weaver) is rescued after the events of Alien by a deep-space salvage crew.  She is thawed out with one orange kitty and one hell of a case of PTSD.  A Weyland-Yutani corporate shill named Carter Burke (Paul Reiser) is assigned to help her adjust.  See, she's been in cryosleep for 57 years.  Everyone she ever knew is dead and gone.  Then Carter tells her that, during her absence, the planet they landed on was marked for terraforming and colonization but now they've lost contact with the colonists and would she please come help them out.  Furious but unwilling to let over 100 people die, she agrees under the condition that if it is aliens, they kill all of them.

Ripley joins two squads of space marines, the baddest of the badassess, and their synthetic person, Bishop (Lance Henrickson).  After what happened last time, she is not a huge fan of the robot but lets it go.  They get to the planet and, sure enough, aliens have harvested all the colonists and moved them to their nest for larval implantation.  Except for one.  A little girl named Newt (Carrie Henn) has been hiding in the ductwork, trying not to get killed.  Ripley immediately becomes her caregiver.  Meanwhile, the marines are not faring well against the acid-blooded xenomorphs.  The survivors are left under the care of Corporal Hicks (Micheal Biehn) and a decision is made to nuke the planet from orbit.  It's the only way to be sure.  Carter Burke really wants to bring one back to Earth, though, because he is a greedy worm.  He locks two of the recovered facehuggers in the bay where Ripley and Newt are sleeping in the hopes that one or both will be infected. 

Like everybody doesn't already have enough to deal with just staying alive while killer aliens are after them, they now have to deal with a sabotaging crew member.  Then Newt falls down a maintenance shaft.  Ripley has to go rescue her and that's when she finds the source of all their troubles:  the Queen.

I like that this movie expanded on the original mythology.  Ridley Scott said "Hey, wouldn't it be scary if there was a monster in space that raped people's faces and then exploded out of their chests?" and then James Cameron said "Yeah, but what if there were like 100 of them and they had a hierarchy like a space anthill?"  It got me to thinking, though.  I've seen this movie probably a dozen times and I've never wondered before now:  what do the adult aliens eat?  They kill people and use people as a host but they don't actually eat people.  Do they just not eat?  What about the Queen?  She presumably needs a lot of food to lay all those eggs.  Now I'm going to be stuck on this for the rest of the day.

Alien (1979)

Every few years, I like to revisit some old favorites.  I actually watched this one twice in the span of a week because I ran into one of those sheltered bunker babies that had never seen it.  You know I had to remedy that.  It's the type of film you can do that with, too, because it is damn near perfect.  I think the extended director's cut is the way to go as a connoisseur, but as long as you're watching it I'm happy.  Originally posted 10 Dec 2011.    This is the original, the one that started it all.  Not as flashy as its sequels, but a damn solid movie.  It's been years since I've seen it and I had forgotten a lot of the suspense.  The way I remembered was that the first half was pretty slow, then chestburster, then Ripley moving through a bunch of steam vents with a flamethrower.  The End.  Rob had never seen it at all, even though he has seen all the other spin-offs.  He bought the new blue-ray anthology recently, though, and we cracked that bad boy open today.  It's way more intense than I remember.

The crew of the Nostromo is deep in hypersleep when their course back to Earth is rerouted by the computer.  It detected a signal coming from a nearby planet and the crew is obligated to check out any signs of alien life.  The team lands, damaging their ship slightly, and three of the crewmen head out to the signal's source.  It's a downed alien ship with a clearly long-dead alien at the helm.  In the hold are a ton of what appear to be eggs.  Kane (John Hurt) leans down to investigate...  Violating quarantine protocols, his body --with its weird facehugging creature attached-- is brought onboard.  The science officer, Ash (Ian Holm), wants to study it but Lt. Ripley (Sigourney Weaver) is in favor of jettisoning the entire body into space.  This proves to be an excellent course of action in hindsight, after the alien lifeform explodes from Kane's chest and escapes into the ship.  It grows into a killing machine and the remaining crew members find themselves at a severe disadvantage.

Seriously, I can't believe there are still people who have never seen this movie.  It's a classic in both sci-fi and horror.  Hell, when I was a kid, I couldn't even go through this portion of the Great Movie Ride at Disney World with my eyes open.  People can argue that the second one is really the better film, and I do love that one, but it's not a better movie.  It has more quotable lines and it is more like a straight-up action film but it cannot hold a candle to the sheer spine-crawling terror of the first movie.

The Murderers are Among Us (1946)

  This was literally the first German film made after the fall of the Nazi regime.  Wolfgang Staudte, the writer and director, began working on it while World War II was still going on, then shopped it to the four Allied powers that occupied Berlin:  the British, the French, the Americans, and the Soviets.  Everybody told him no except for the Soviets, who had him change the ending because they were afraid it would provoke vigilante justice in the streets.  Ergo, the ending is a little unsatisfying because who doesn't love vigilante justice but it's understandable.

Susanne (Hildegard Knef) returns to Berlin after supposed internment in a concentration camp only to find that her apartment is occupied by Dr. Hans Mertens (Ernst Wilhelm Borchert), a drunk former soldier who has no intention of leaving.  What starts as an uneasy truce becomes permanent living arrangements as Susanne tries to establish order in both of their lives.  When she accidentally discovers a letter to Hans' former commanding officer's wife, she thinks she is doing Hans a favor by delivering it.  However, by revealing that Captain Brueckner (Arno Paulsen) is actually alive, Susanne inadvertently sends Hans into a tailspin of PTSD and guilt over an unreported war crime.

I say supposed internment above because the narrative does not focus on Susanne at all, despite all evidence that she is supposed to be the main character.  It feels a little like a bait and switch but by the time you get to the end, you won't care because you'll be so angry.  Or maybe not.  Maybe you're more rational than I am and you don't believe in killing Nazis/war criminals on sight.  How nice for you.

The other notable thing about this film is that parts of it were shot in the actual bombed out streets of Berlin so if you wanted to know what a war zone looks like after the fact, you can find out.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret of the Ooze (1991)

  I know I promised you guys two reviews yesterday and then didn't actually get to it.  It turns out my dog has pancreatitis and had to go to the vet, then I had various errands and another writing assignment to turn in.  None of that matters, though.  I said I would do something and then I didn't.  That's my bad.

This is one of those rare sequels that's actually better than the original.  That's not a high bar to clear in this case, but I think it needed to be said.

The ninja turtles have moved in with intrepid reporter April O'Neil (Paige Turco) until they can find a new place.  A local pizza delivery kid (Eddie Reyes, Jr.) is suspicious about the number of deliveries he makes to her place and discovers him.  Raphael (Laurie Faso) wants to use the kid to infiltrate the resurgent Foot Clan, but Leonardo (Brian Tochi) thinks it's too dangerous.  Meanwhile, Shredder (David McCharen) has returned with a new plan for destroying his enemies.  He locates a scientist (David Warner) who is behind the cleanup efforts for a toxic waste dump, the same toxic waste that was responsible for the original mutation of the turtles.  Shredder uses the last remaining vials to create a mutated snapping turtle and wolf and sets them loose on the city.

This benefited from a couple of changes.  They ditched the romance angle between April and Casey, lost him completely, and focused on the humor and sheer campy nonsense that is inherent in the premise.  And while it is horribly dated and was pretty much the minute it left the theaters, that only adds to the legend, instead of detracting.  There's a whole rap sequence in the last act with Vanilla Ice.  VANILLA ICE.  If that doesn't scream craptacular, nothing will.

Munchhausen (1943)

  I actually saw this movie almost two weeks ago but I kept forgetting to do a post about it.  We were discussing it in class and one girl said that she kept forgetting parts of the movie while she was still watching it.

Baron von Münchhausen (Hans Albers) tells the fantastical stories of his ancestor (also Hans Albers) to a young guest (Hubert von Meyerink) interested in history.  He describes how the original Baron seduced Empress Catherine of Russia (Brigitte Horney), was betrayed by her officers, sold to a Turkish sultan (Leo Slezak), escaped with a princess to Venice, was chased by the princess' brother, escaped in a hot air balloon that ended up on the moon, and achieved immortality by striking a bargain with evil sorcerer Cagliostro (Ferdinand Marian).

This was the most expensive film produced in Germany at that time and is known as the Nazi Wizard of Oz.  Propaganda Minister Joseph Goebbels personally oversaw the production and spared no expense.  This is even more notable because it was 1943 and Germany was getting its ass beat on two fronts, Berlin was being bombed to shit, and rationing meant that regular citizens were cold and starving.  But, hey, let's spend 10M on a movie specifically designed to make people forget they're cold and hungry.  Nazis.

There's some debate about whether this is brilliantly subversive or blind propaganda, and there's a whole discourse to be had about the gender politics of the film, especially in comparison with the Terry Gilliam remake from 1988.  But it's honestly such a worthless film to sit through, I don't recommend it to anyone.  It will give your brain a cavity and you will have nothing to show for it.  Avoid.

Logan (2017)

  Yesterday I was working on a 5-page sequence analysis for my German film class until midnight, so I didn't get to post this.  You'll get a twofer today to make up for it.

There is a lot to unpack in Logan.  It's a film that transcends the "superhero" genre and will require multiple viewings to really sink into your bones.  I think this might be the best work I've ever seen from Hugh Jackman and certainly the best Wolverine film.

It is 2029 and Logan (Hugh Jackman) has been living under an alias and working as a limo driver from Vegas to Mexico.  He is old and the adamantium in his skeleton is poisoning him, but more than that, he has no hopes left in life.  So when a woman (Elizabeth Rodriguez) tracks him down and begs him for help getting a young mutant in danger to the Canadian border, his initial impulse is to say no. But she's offering a lot of money, money that he needs in order to buy a boat so he can sail out into the middle of the ocean with Charles Xavier (Patrick Stewart), whose health is failing.  He agrees to the bargain, only to discover that Laura (Dafne Keen) is being hunted by a shadowy corporation that considers her a piece of intellectual property.

Anything else I say will verge into spoiler territory, so I'm leaving the synopsis at that.  If you've read the Old Man Logan storyline, or any of the 1000+ articles online picking apart every detail of this movie, you're covered anyway.  I want to veer off into crazytown for a minute.  **MIGHT BE SPOILERS, READ WITH CAUTION**

One of the recurring things in the film that I have seen no one talk about is genetically modified crops, and by extension, why there are no more mutants.  There's kind of a throwaway line early on that "no new mutants have been born for twenty years" that is never really explained.  One of the only times Logan interacts with people (that he doesn't immediately kill) is a family who refuses to sell their farm to a corporation growing genetically modified corn to be turned into corn syrup, a main ingredient in energy drinks and sodas.  Energy drinks we see advertised everywhere, and that Laura --the genetically modified test tube baby-- is shown drinking.  The head corporate doctor (Richard E. Grant, a fantastic character actor) even says specifically that one of his goals was to control mutations in the human populace by introducing an additive to their food or drink.  (I only saw the movie once, I'm not sure of the exact line, and a lot of other shit was happening on screen at the time so don't scream at me if that's not 100% accurate.)  So from this we can infer that Dr. Rice and his evil cronies have used genetically modified corn syrup to secretly inhibit the births of future X-men, which --depending on if you consider the mutations strong enough to qualify them as a separate species from plain vanilla humans-- is genocide.

There is a lot of debate in the real world over GMOs replacing non-modified crops.  As far as I know (I have not researched this), genetically modified corn is perfectly safe but it's mainly used for biofuel and corn syrup, not human consumption.  The companies that create and disseminate the GM corn have been accused of strong-arm tactics, including suing farmers for keeping back a portion of seed for next year's planting, citing patents on intellectual property.

Logan isn't True Grit.  It's Food, Inc.  But Food, Inc. with a lot more stabbing, so way better.

See what I mean about it not really being a superhero movie?

Captain Fantastic (2016)

  I had this one at home from Netflix for almost a month before I was finally able to start watching it and then it took me almost a week to finish it.  It's one of this year's nominees (Viggo Mortensen for Best Actor), and without the Oscars I probably would never have seen it.

Ben Cash (Viggo Mortensen) has been raising his six kids off the grid.  Like, way off.  They have formed a happy little enclave in the middle of the Pacific Northwest forest and seem content to grow their own food, make their own clothes, and read everything from theoretical physics to The Joy of Sex.  When Ben learns his hospitalized wife (Trin Miller) has committed suicide but that her parents refuse to have her cremated in accordance to her wishes, he makes plans to drive to Arizona to stop the funeral.  For the first time, the children are exposed to real outsiders, making them and Ben question the methods by which they were raised.

This movie is a really fascinating glimpse into all the pitfalls associated with raising kids, especially by a single parent.  The Cash children are in some ways models of the Renaissance and in others complete naifs.  Ben's philosophy that American society is inherently corrupt and is destined to implode may sound like a crazy person's, but his kids are well-fed, disciplined, educated, and arguably better prepared to succeed.  Their only real lack is of experience, and what parent doesn't want to protect their children from the horrors this world is capable of producing in greater and greater numbers?

All six of the child actors in this film were amazing.  They really sold their performances and this movie lived and died by them, not the adults.  At times, this movie was unbearably awkward and studiously quirky (think Wes Anderson's Moonrise Kingdom with a hard R rating).  It's sharp, though.  I think everybody should see it.  Even if you don't like it.  It deserves to be seen.

Oscar Recap for 89th Academy Awards

I know, this is so far removed from the ceremony I might as well not even bother.  Under the old posting schedule, it would have gone out the next day after broadcast.  But since I stopped posting on Mondays because I just can't balance work, school, homework, and blogging, it's now almost a week late.  I am sorry if this is something you look forward to reading (Christy) because you don't watch the telecast (Christy) because you can't stay up past seven o'clock (Christy).  Right now, the new posting schedule of Friday, Saturday, Sunday is better for me.  Maybe next year, I'll get brave and try to live blog the Oscars as they happen.

Let's get to the ceremony!

The opening number with Justin Timberlake got things off to a great start.  It helps that "Can't Stop the Feeling" is ridiculously happy.  It also put me in mind of the Golden Globes, which I took to be a good sign.  Maybe the Academy is trying to shed some of that self-important "prom" image and do something entertaining.  Because, yes, it's about movie stars being awarded for their performances, but it's also a freaking 3 hour and 40 minute TV show with about a billion people watching worldwide.  We can't all be paraded in front of the A-listers from a tour bus.  More on that later.

Jimmy Kimmel was the host of this year's telecast.  I have never really liked Kimmel ever since The Man Show days but I examined that feeling a little more and realized I don't like any late-night TV hosts.  I don't watch late-night TV.  I spent too many years watching Jon Stewart's (canonization pending) uncensored rants to feel anything for these pale, network milquetoasts.  That being said, Kimmel was a great host.  He could do the Oscars every year and I would be okay.  The only joke he had that truly didn't land with the audience was "the only happy ending this year came halfway through Moonlight" and he was able to recover almost immediately.

Best Supporting Actor went to Mahershala Ali for Moonlight and it was well-deserved.
Best Costumes went to Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them.
Best Hair and Makeup went to Suicide Squad and was the only category this year I think where I saw every film nominated.

Kimmel introduced Janelle Monae, Taraji P. Hensen, and Octavia Spencer to present the award for Best Documentary Feature by calling them "Algebra's Angels" and I thought that was the most underrated joke of the night.  The Hidden Figures stars wheeled out the actual Katherine Johnson (the character Hensen played in the movie) so the audience could applaud her.  I don't want to imply that she is not a national goddamn hero, because she is, or that she wasn't unfairly overlooked her entire life, because she was, but Jesus Christ on a cracker, what is it with the Academy hauling out old people just to stare at them?  That's so rude!  Is it because they've forgotten what old age looks like?  Is it a cautionary tale?  "If you don't slather on La Mer every night and keep all of your Botox appointments, this could happen to you!"

Anyway, Best Documentary went to O.J.:  Made in America.  At this point, I was really excited because I had seen all of the winners.  I should have known better.

The next nominee for Best Original song was performed from Moana by Lin-Manuel Miranda and Auli'i Cravalho.  Everything that man touches turns to gold.  Obviously, this was my favorite performance of the night.

Best Sound Editing went to Arrival.
Best Sound Mixing went to Hacksaw Ridge.
Best Supporting Actress went to Viola Davis for Fences.
Best Foreign Film went to The Salesman from Iran.  The director, Oscar Farhadi, boycotted this year's ceremony to protest the Muslim, excuse me, travel ban.
Best Animated Short went to Piper, another win for Pixar.
Best Animated Feature went to the overrated Zootopia.  Not that I'm bitter.

Dakota Johnson and Jamie Dornan came out to present Best Production Design.  She looked terrible. Nice dress but her hair and makeup were too severe.  She made a joke about having seen Dornan somewhere before and you could tell it was an ad-lib because he had no idea how to respond.  It raised my estimation of her as a person.

Best Production Design went to La La Land.

At this point, Kimmel decided to parade a bunch of random people (but I'm sure they were carefully screened beforehand) through the auditorium in what I felt to be the most tone-deaf portion of the night.  I talked to my mom about it and she had a totally different take, so I will include both views in the interest of fairness.

According to my mom, she felt bad for the tour bus people.  Imagine riding around the top of a tour bus in LA all day and then being told you're going to see a new museum exhibit on Oscar gowns and fashion, only to have the doors open and there you are on live TV in front of a huge room containing every celebrity ever and all you can think is "My God, I smell like hot dogs and exhaust fumes and holy shit, there's Meryl Streep and Denzel Washington."

My take was, here you are a Hollywood celebrity.  You haven't eaten all day so you can fit into your dress, you're wearing uncomfortable shoes, and you know you're not going to be able to pee for the next five hours because you'll be on live TV.  Then the doors open and in come a handful of random strangers to stare and film you on their phones like you're a zoo exhibit and all you can think is "My God, I just inhaled an entire box of Junior Mints that fell from the sky.  I hope I don't have chocolate in my teeth.  These people probably waited hours and I am not going to be the one who ruins everything because of stupid Junior Mints."

Then, of course, there's option three:  "Look, peasants, upon our majesty and riches!  Stare at everything you will never possess!"  /maniacal laughter

And can we talk about the parachuting candy, like we are in the fucking Hunger Games?  Was that a political statement?  A warning?

Best Visual Effects went to The Jungle Book.
Best Film Editing went to Hacksaw Ridge.
Best Documentary Short went to The White Helmets.  One of the actual White Helmets was supposed to attend, but he actually was prevented by the totally-not-a-Muslim travel ban.
Best Live Action Short went to Sing, which is not the same as the American Idol for animals animated movie.
Best Cinematography went to La La Land.
Best Original Score went to La La Land.
Best Original Song went to "City of Stars" from La La Land.
Best Original Screenplay went to Manchester by the Sea.
Best Adapted Screenplay went to Moonlight, which might have been the only prediction I made that actually happened.
Best Director went to Damien Chazelle for La La Land.
Best Actor went to Casey Affleck for Manchester by the Sea.  The presenter was Brie Larson, who very noticeably did not clap for Affleck's win.  Affleck just settled two sexual assault suits out of court because he is rich and white and can do things like that.  Larson is an advocate for sexual assault and rape survivors.  She had to give him a trophy but she didn't have to like it.  My money says she bathed in Purell afterwards.
Best Actress went to Emma Stone for La La Land.  I didn't have a dog in that fight, but I will say that the stand-in photo they used of nominee Natalie Portman (who didn't attend because she could drop a baby at any point, and was the funniest person in the Mean Tweets Oscar Edition segment) was absolutely gorgeous.

Then came the Best Picture award and the biggest fuckup in Oscar history.  If you've somehow been living under a rock, here's what happened:  Warren Beatty was accidentally handed a backup Best Actress envelope instead of Best Picture because some PricewaterhouseCoopers accountant was tweeting and not paying attention.  So, Beatty opens the envelope and just kind of freezes because he can see that it's wrong, but everybody thinks he's just drawing out the moment to be funny.  He hands the card to Faye Dunaway and she says the winner is La La Land, which was the expected winner.

All the producers of La La Land crowd onto the stage to give their speeches and take their Oscars and some poor schmuck of a stagehand has to be the one to say "there was a mix-up."  Jordon Horowitz, the executive producer of La La Land, stopped everything to make the correction that Moonlight had actually won.  And the world lost its collective mind for a hot minute.  According to Jimmy Kimmel, there was supposed to be a final skit with him and long-running enemy Matt Damon to close out the show but it had to be scrapped because of the mistake.  Frankly, at that point, the show was 40 minutes over schedule so they probably should have cut the skit anyway, but for sure, no one would have paid attention after that bombshell.

I honestly felt bad for Jimmy Kimmel.  He had made a joke when he was announced as host about how honored he was to host "the 89th and final Oscars."  It was supposed to be a Trump joke, implying that the President would abolish the Academy Awards because they make fun of him, but I'm betting Kimmel felt an icy cold rush of prescience when that Best Picture thing happened and people were running around backstage in total chaos after just seeing their careers go up in flames like the Hindenburg.  He handled it as best as he could, and I wouldn't mind seeing him host again.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (1990)

   I haven't seen this movie since I was probably in middle school.  My brother is five years younger and he looooooved the Ninja Turtles.  We had all three films on VHS.

I am so old.

I have not seen the Michael Bay remakes because 1) I never really liked Ninja Turtles, 2) Michael Bay, and 3) whatever abomination this is:  

So we're only going to focus on the original, which is godawful enough in its own right.

Reporter April O'Neal (Judith Hoag) is trying to hold City Hall accountable for the huge crime wave occurring in New York City when she is accosted by ninjas and gets knocked out.  She wakes up in the sewer, surrounded by four giant turtles and a talking rat.  Master Splinter (Kevin Clash - the same guy who voices Elmo) explains that he was just an ordinary rat until his master was killed by a rival, accidentally freeing him from his cage, and then exposed to a toxic spill in the sewer along with four baby turtles.  The effects of the chemical increased their size and intelligence so Splinter named them and taught them ninjutsu so they could become the vigilante heroes the city needed.  Their mission is to protect the good people against the Foot Clan, led by the villainous Shredder (James Saito).

Do I really have to tell you how terrible this movie is?  Can I just say "1990 giant foam rubber turtle suits" and have you nod understandingly?  How about "Corey Feldman voices Donatello"?  Are you backing away slowly?  "Baby Sam Rockwell, Skeet Ulrich, Scott Wolf, and Rick Gomez (Morgan from Chuck) as Foot Gang thugs"?  NO, wait, that's actually adorable.  Fuck.  It's not worth it, guys!  Save yourselves!