Oops! All Horror - Day 28 - Cronos (1993)

  Content warning: blood, bugs

Jesús Gris (Frederico Luppi) is just a mild-mannered antiques dealer in Mexico City when he discovers a strange artifact in the base of a wooden statue. The golden device takes a small amount of Jesús's blood and imbues him with new vitality. Obviously, something like that is in hot demand and Jesús begins to be harassed by a gangster (Claudio Brook) dying of cancer and his nephew/goon (Ron Perlman).

Guillermo Del Toro sprang fully-formed from the head of Calliope, I'm pretty sure. This is his first feature film and you can already see the director he would become. Now, whether you are on board with that or not is up to you.  Personally, I love it even if I would have liked a different ending. I can see the vision, though! 

Perlman is the most recognizable name in the cast for English speakers and he is so very young and brash. It is adorable.  Luppi was in all three of Del Toro's Spanish-language films, so aficionados may recognize him as well.  This is unfortunately not streaming anywhere except to rent or buy but it is well worth tracking down.  

Oops! All Horror - Day 25 - Tales from the Hood (1995)

  Content warning: blood, gore, child abuse, gang violence, archival footage of lynchings, cross burnings, hate crimes, racial slurs

Three men (Joe Torry, Samuel Monroe, Jr. and De'Aundre Bonds) are sent to retrieve it shipment of drugs mistakenly picked up by a mortician (Clarence Williams III) and are treated to a series of tales about the bodies on view.

This was a very good anthology marred only by a weak framing narrative.  I'm sure it was intended to be funny, but I found it grating.  Best individual performance has to be David Alan Grier, playing waaaaay against type.  If you grew up seeing him on In Living Color, this would be kind of a shock.  Best segment of the anthology is "KKK Comeuppance," which is basically a remake of The Trilogy of Terror segment with a miniature "native" doll that menaces Karen Black.  Except this time it's a racist Southern senator (Corbin Bernson) being attacked by the spirit of murdered slaves.  So much better.  

It's currently streaming on Starz, which I thought I had but apparently don't, so I watched it...elsewhere. I can't speak for the sequels but I definitely recommend this one. 

Oops! All Horror - Day 21 - Ravenous (1996)

  Content warning: blood, cannibalism, some gore, animal death (horses)

Captain Boyd (Guy Pearce) is a reluctant Spanish-American war hero who is exiled to Fort Spencer, California, a decrepit bastion holding one of the Sierra Nevada passes.  On a snowy night, a stranger stumbles into the fort bearing a tale of desperation.  Father Calqhoun (Robert Carlyle) was traveling with a wagon train when they were led astray and forced to winter in a cave.  Hunger beset them and they turned to murder and cannibalism.  Colqhoun tearfully recounts his flight, certain that he would have been the next victim.  The fort commander, Colonel Hart (Jeffrey Jones), immediately puts together a rescue party but the local guide, George (Joshua Running Fox), warns Boyd of the legend of the Wendigo, a man with an insatiable desire for human flesh.

This is one of those movies that is just so fun to watch it makes up for any flaws.  Pearce and Carlyle have incredible chemistry together, although Carlyle alone could carry this movie.  The soundtrack is so bouncy and jovial, you'll forget you're watching people flee for their lives.  If the tone doesn't work for you, I get it.  I love horror comedies and it's by far the funniest cannibalism movie I've ever seen.  The folklore elements are pretty spot-on and it actually casts Native actors in Native roles, which is better than a lot of its 90s peers.  

I saw this a long time ago, about a year after it premiered, and I've kept my copy ever since then.  It's absolutely worth the money, but if you just want to stream it, it's also available on Amazon Prime.

Oops! All Horror - Day 17 - Misery (1990)

  Content warning:  some blood, mild body horror

Novelist Paul Sheldon (James Caan) is excited to start a new era.  He has finally killed off his previous bestselling character, Misery Chastain, and is starting a brand new series.  He is on his way to deliver his manuscript to his editor (Lauren Bacall) when his car goes off the road during a blizzard.  Fortunately, Paul is rescued by a nurse, Annie Wilkes (Kathy Bates), who just so happens to be a fan.  His number one fan, you could say.  As Paul begins to recover, Annie gets more demanding, more controlling.  The only way to pacify her is to write a new Misery Chastain novel.

There's something being said in the film about the parasocial demands of fandom that feels very prescient, given the well-publicized outcries about popular media, like the series finale of Stranger Things or the recent-ish Disney Star Wars sequels.  Apparently, the kid who plays Percy Jackson in the Disney+ show had to ask fans online to stop sending death-threats to his potential prom dates.  So there's a lot of angry, entitled people out there who only want to consume very specific things and when they don't get them, they take it personally.  

But also, there's something very ick about the villain in this movie being a woman who physically dominates a man.  It's infuriating because the way Paul walks on eggshells around Annie is just daily life for a lot of women in abusive relationships.  So is this an entry in Women's Horror, my pet category of Only Horror Because It's Happening to a Man?  I'm going to say no.  I think it's just garden-variety misogyny that the scariest thing a man can imagine is a woman having power over him and treating him the way he would treat her if their roles were reversed.  

Obligatory feminist rant out of the way, this is a very well-done film.  Caan and Bates are performing their asses off, and the banter between the sheriff (Richard Farnsworth) and his wife (Frances Sternhagen) feels very vintage William Goldman/Rob Reiner.  Barry Sonnenfeld was the Director of Photography and I had forgotten how good he was at capturing movement without feeling like you were going to hurl.  And no shaky-cam!  All in all, you could do much worse if this is your favorite horror movie.  It's a solid thriller that holds up even 35 years later.  It's streaming on HBO Max but only until the end of the month.

Oops! All Horror - Day 6 - Dolly Dearest (1991)

 Content warning: blood, dismemberment, dolls

The Wade family has sold all their things, left L.A., and taken possession of a doll factory in Mexico so Elliot (Sam Bottoms) can pursue his dream of creating handmade dolls.  Except the real estate agent neglected to mention the hazardous, outdated equipment or the open archeological dig site next door.  Soon, daughter Jessica (Candy Hutson) begins acting strangely towards the Catholic housekeeper (Lupe Ontiveros) and grows increasingly inseparable from Dolly, one of the factory's leftover dolls.  Dr. Karl Resnick (Rip Torn) is at the dig site investigating a Mayan splinter cult called the Sanzia, who worshiped a Devil Child, but the myths couldn't possibly be true.  Could they???

This is some old-school, classic killer doll shit and it was downright refreshing.  No meta-anything, no social commentary, just some passive racial bias, and an inanimate item that is trying to kill your whole family.  Yes, it's very clearly a Child's Play rip-off but who cares?  It's super fun and dumb!  There's a 10-year-old who dresses like a middle-aged accountant!  Fake cult lore!  Surprisingly good emotive doll faces! Clueless parents!  Denise Crosby looking gorgeous!  Explosions!  

The whole thing is available on YouTube for free.  Throw it on and have a blast.

Boyz N the Hood (1991)

  Content warning:  homophobic and racial slurs

Tired of her son, Tre, getting in fights at school, Reva (Angela Bassett) sends him to live with his father (Lawrence Fishbourne) in Crenshaw.  Seven years later, Tre (Cuba Gooding, Jr.) is set to graduate high school.  His best friends Doughboy (Ice Cube) and Ricky (Morris Chestnut) still live across the street, but are on vastly different paths in life.  Doughboy has an extensive criminal record and Ricky is hoping for a football scholarship.  The three teens try to navigate life, love, and the crushing oppression of poverty and discrimination.  

This was an incredibly powerful film and I'm ashamed it took me this long to watch it.  John Singleton died several years ago at a relatively young age and watching this only reinforces what a talent was lost.  It launched the careers of Bassett, Gooding, Jr., Chestnut, Regina King, and Nia Long.  Ice Cube was already famous as a rapper and lyricist, but this showcases his dramatic talent that gets unfairly overlooked.  The pitfalls of an abundance of riches.

It is streaming on Tubi but only until the end of the month so if you've been waiting, you might want to jump in soon-ish.

Muppet Treasure Island (1996)

  RIP Tim Curry.  Losing Dolly Parton was a national tragedy but Tim Curry was a personal loss.  He made up so much of my childhood between Annie, Legend, Clue and this movie.

Jim Hawkins (Kevin Bishop) loves hearing the old, salty tall tales of Billy Bones (Billy Connolly), the local sailor-turned-drunk, at his seaside inn.  Especially the ones about Captain Flint's buried treasure.  One night, the inn is attacked and Bones confesses that the treasure is real and he has the map.  He gives it to Jim, Gonzo (himself), and Rizzo the Rat (himself) for safe-keeping.  The three decide to hire a ship and go after the treasure themselves.  Squire Trelawney (Fozze Bear) finances the trip under Captain Smollett (Kermit the Frog).  Jim signs on as a cabin boy and is taken under the wing of the friendly ship's cook, Long John Silver (Tim Curry).  

If you've read Robert Louis Stevenson's novel, you know the plot.  If you haven't, it's a classic for a reason and a childhood favorite.  Obviously, this is also a Muppet movie.  I had forgotten it was also a musical.  In fact, it had been so long since I'd seen it, I might as well have watched it for the first time.  In a word, this movie is great.  Not just a great kid's film, or Muppet movie, but a legitimately good comic adaptation.  Jennifer Saunders and Connolly steal early scenes but Curry is the draw, here.  He carries the film and that's hard to do surrounded by Muppets.  It's streaming on Disney+ and is a great way to introduce your kids to the legacy of an incredible performer.

My Own Private Idaho (1991)

  If I had a nickel for every Shakespeare adaptation Keanu Reeves starred in, I'd have two nickels.  

Mike (River Phoenix) is a narcoleptic, hustler, and prostitute in Oregon.  His best friend is Scott (Keanu Reeves), a fellow prostitute rebelling against his rich, overbearing father, who is the mayor of Portland.  Mike wants to find his estranged mother (Vana O'Brien), so he and Scott travel to Idaho to find Mike's brother, Richard (James Russo.)  Dick has a last-known address in Italy so the boys hit up a recurring customer, Hans (Udo Kier), for airfare money.  

This is part of the queer indie movement from the 80s and early 90s.  It just has a much stronger pedigree.  Gus Van Sant wrote and directed it, and obviously Reeves' and Phoenix's careers were already taking off.  It's not fully an adaptation of Henry IV but there are a lot of elements that cross over.  The style is experimental, with time lapses, odd title cards, and fantastical elements.  It's not terrible but it's not very engaging, either.  These boys' lives are pretty bleak.  Still, it's considered a cult classic.  It's not streaming anywhere for free but, like its main characters, it is available for rent.

Bill and Ted's Bogus Journey (1991)

  Our journey continues through the middle of this franchise.

Bill (Alex Winters) and Ted (Keanu Reeves) are gearing up for the San Dimas Battle of the Bands, a turning point in their future that will usher in a new age of prosperity and peace.  In the far future, however, Chuck de Nomolos (Joss Ackland) has implemented a plan to go back and time, kill Bill and Ted, and replace them with evil robot versions.  The souls of Bill and Ted manage to escape Death (William Sadler) but are stymied as how to save their band or their girlfriends from beyond the grave.  They travel through Hell, Heaven, and Death's realm in search of guidance.

I remember this being borderline unwatchable but it's not that bad.  It's not great by any stretch but it's not terrible.  It's overlong and not nearly as funny as it thinks it is, but Sadler alone is worth it.  He is a highly underrated character actor.  The special effects now qualify as kitschy and I have no idea what they were going for with the weird troll-like aliens, but at least the soundtrack is good.  Also, bonus cameos by blues legend Taj Mahal and writer Ed Solomon, as well as performance work by Michael "Boogaloo Shrimp" Chambers and Tony Cox.

Totally understand if you skip this one.  It's currently streaming on Kanopy and for free on Tubi.

Big Night (1996)

  I swear, I remember seeing trailers for this movie from the 90s but it had Andy Garcia instead of Stanley Tucci.  Weird.

Two brothers run an Italian restaurant in 1950s New Jersey.  Secondo (Stanley Tucci) is desperate to get more people in to keep the restaurant from failing but his brother and chef, Primo (Tony Shaloub), refuses to compromise by making Americanized Italian food.  Across the street, Pascal (Ian Holm) has no such compunctions and his place is packed every night.  He offers to help boost the brothers by inviting jazz musician Louis Prima to eat at their restaurant, so they go all out to prepare an evening no one will forget.

One of my pet peeves is a movie not translating non-English dialogue.  You probably don't need it to get the gist of what's happening, but it would be nice.  If you do speak Italian, this might be a fun service you can provide to your friends.  

Tucci and Shaloub are great, as always.  It's good to see Isabella Rosselini, Allison Janney, and Minnie Driver in things, and if you like Latin music, it is very odd to see singer Marc Anthony playing a waiter.  It's a solid character drama that feels very 90s, but the real star here is the food.  Holy crap, you will be so hungry after watching this.  And/Or feel a real need to hop on Expedia and start looking for vacations in Tuscany.  It's currently streaming on Paramount+.

The Big Lebowski (1998)

  Rewatched this to see if I liked it any better now that some time has passed.  I don't.

Jeffrey "The Dude" Lebowski (Jeff Bridges) is thrust into a high-stakes kidnapping because he shares the same name with a millionaire (David Huddleston) whose wife (Tara Reid) has gone missing.  The Dude recruits his idiot friend, Walter (John Goodman), as backup but that only makes things worse.  

I've never understood the hype around this movie.  I don't find it funny, clever, or engaging.  It just does not work for me on any level.  But a lot of people really love it.  I've even seen an entire Lebowski-themed bar in Ireland.  And that's great.  I'm glad there are things out there for people, even if I don't care for them.  

It's currently streaming on Netflix.  I watched it on my server but I'm likely going to delete it.

The Juror (1996)

Mafia Romance BookTok Girlies!  This one is for you (complimentary)! Content warning:  stalking, violence

Annie Laird (Demi Moore) is excited to be on jury duty (that's how you know it's fiction) for the murder trial of mafia don Louie Boffano (Tony Lo Bianco) until she is targeted by the mob's fixer, Vincent (Alec Baldwin).  Jury tampering and witness intimidation aren't enough for him, though, as he becomes fascinated with the pretty single mother.  

I've seen the shit you Dark Romance people read (again, complimentary) and this is ripe for a re-discovery.  Yes, it is a crap 90s legal thriller that John Grisham would turn his nose up at, and yes, it stars mega-creep Alec Baldwin, but on the other hand, if you squint a little, it's almost romantic in a casually toxic way.  Plus, James Gandolfini!  Joseph Gordon-Levitt!  Anne Heche!  Okay, maybe also not great, but still!  And a bunch of dudes you will recognize from other bit Mob parts!  It's streaming on Tubi, the go-to home for all craptacular films.

Daughters of the Dust (1991)

  Content warning:  reference to sexual assault, reference to mass suicide

In 1902, two cousins from very different lives return to their home, a small island off the coast of Georgia founded by freed slaves.  Viola (Cheryl Lynn Bruce) has brought a photographer (Tommy Hicks) with her to document the departure of the majority of the remaining family to the modern North.  "Yellow" Mary (Barbara-O) has brought her lover, Trula (Trula Hoosier).  The family matriarch, Nana (Cora Lee Day), fears that the old ways will be lost once they lose the connection to the land of their birth.  

It's a multi-generational, multi-character story told in the Gullah dialect of the Atlantic islands of the southern U.S.  The cinematography is lush and dream-like, aided by new-agey/world music synth scoring.  The costumes and details are fantastic.  The plot can be a little hard to follow if you're not really paying attention to who is who, so stay off your phone during this one.

Written and directed by Julie Dash, this is the first feature directed by an African-American woman to receive a theatrical screening in the U.S.  In 1991.  So, I was in 3rd grade before we got a movie by a Black woman on a movie screen.  Cool cool.  Anyway, this is streaming on the Criterion Channel, as it should.

Brat (1997)

Content warning:  sexual assault, homophobic slurs, racial slurs, domestic violence

Danila (Sergei Bodrov, Jr.) has just completed mandatory service in the Army and is looking for a new path.  His brother, Viktor (Viktor Sukhorukov), has been working as an assassin for a gangster (Sergei Murzin) in St. Petersburg and outsources a hit to Danila.  Viktor knows that he's gotten a little too expensive and is hoping some new blood will throw off a possible double-cross.  Danila, flush with cash after a successful execution, seeks out life and music but the gangster is not so easily put off.

I didn't like this one as much as Assa.  It also meandered but less whimsically, which just made it boring instead of a journey.  Also, it didn't really feel like a complete story.  In an American movie, this would just be Act 1 and would probably only be a 30-minute montage of various criminal scenes to set up the rise of a new empire.  

According to Wikipedia, this was made for about $10,000 and it looks it.  Everything is appropriately grimy and DIY.  Music features very heavily, especially some band called Nautilus, who even make a cameo at a house party.  

There are better crime films and probably better Russian films.  This is not one to get very worked up over which is probably why it's not available for streaming outside of a VPN.

The Preacher's Wife (1996)

  Happy belated May Day.  Here's a Christmas movie.

Reverend Henry Briggs (Courtney B. Vance) can feel everything slipping away: his church, his family, his faith.  Desperate, he prays for help.  And receives Dudley (Denzel Washington), a charming man claiming to be an angel.  Briggs doesn't have time for foolishness but he can't deny that Dudley seems to have a certain way about him, especially with regards to Briggs' neglected wife, Julia (Whitney Houston).  As Julia and Dudley grow closer, Briggs discovers that he might be focusing on the wrong things.

Man, I miss Whitney Houston.  Talk about a generational talent.  

The movie is fine.  It's got an incredible cast including Jenifer Lewis, Gregory Hines, Loretta Devine, and Lionel Ritchie with an uncredited appearance by Shari Headley.  If you like gospel music, the soundtrack is world-class.  It's the kind of easy, light Christmas movie that Hallmark has been churning out in batches for decades, diluting the appeal through sheer volume.  But it's worth tracking this one down.  

A Shock to the System (1990)

  Here's another one for you ambitious corporate ladder-climbers out there in the same vein as No Other Choice. 

Graham (Michael Caine) is passed over for a promotion at his company in favor of Bob (Peter Reigert), a younger yuppie with grand schemes of modernization.  He realizes that the fastest way to get ahead is to remove the obstacles --Bob-- before him.  But murder is a tricky thing, liable to get way out of control.

This is a pretty decent dark comedy, especially for its time.  There is one scene that could be read as date-rapey, but the movie leaves enough leeway that if you're feeling generous, you can still have some reasonable doubt.  

For whatever reason, Tubi has a very poorly censored version that is not marked as such, so I didn't know until about a quarter through.  There are very few things that immediately spark my ire like an outside party deciding what I'm allowed to hear and see.  So I would suggest finding an alternate viewing medium.

The Prince of Egypt (1997)

  Happy belated Passover!

Moses (Val Kilmer) is raised alongside Rameses (Ralph Fiennes) in the Pharoah's palace but discovers that he was actually adopted and is Hebrew, not Egyptian.  He flees into the desert after accidentally killing a slave overseer and has a religious awakening, returning to Egypt in order to free all the slaves, now under his former brother's control.

This is the Old Testament story of the Exodus, complete with 10 plagues and the parting of the Red Sea.  If you grew up in a Christian or Jewish household, you are familiar with this.  If you did not, the movie might be a little more inaccessible.  It isn't really interested in telling you why Moses does anything; more just assumes you already know, so it presents a version with a high-gloss finish.  It is a musical and the soundtrack is very good, which covers a lot of the narrative shortcuts.  Also, the animation is top-notch.  There are some really beautiful scenes in this, and it looks mostly hand-drawn with only a few CGI elements.  

I remember when this came out, but I don't think I watched it until it was on video.  I listened to the Whitney Huston/Mariah Carey end credits song probably a thousand times though.  If you don't do anything else, give the soundtrack a shot.  Unfortunately, the movie isn't available on streaming except for rental.  Might be worth it to you; but I'd suggest trying to find a copy at the library first.

Scream 2 (1997)

Happy Easter!  Here's a completely unrelated movie.    Content warning:  blood

Sidney Prescott (Neve Campbell) survived a pair of serial killers in high school only to be met by a worse fate: being played by Tori Spelling in the movie adaptation.  But when a copycat begins recreating the Woodsboro murders, Sidney must face her traumas head-on.

This has never been my favorite franchise.  I wasn't blown away by the original and I never really felt the need to go back to it, but considering it's on its 7th entry with an eighth on the way, I thought it might be time to give it a second look.

It's definitely funnier than the first one.  It leans into the meta aspects of being a sequel and I actually liked the dramatic recreations of the first movie with an entirely different cast.  (LOL, Luke Wilson with floppy emo hair.) The line delivery was the weakest part for me.  It felt like every actor was waiting for a dramatic musical sting after every line.  Maybe that's Wes Craven, maybe that's just the 90s style, but it sucked a lot of the fun out.  Still, I had a pretty good time overall.  

The whole collection is streaming on Paramount+ right now, if you're so inclined.

The Matrix (1999)

  There was a minor interruption in services here because of a family emergency and then my Internet was out.  Time is fake and nothing matters.  There is only snow. 

A programmer who moonlights as a hacker for hire named Neo (Keanu Reeves) is recruited by a shadowy group only to learn that his world doesn't actually exist.  It's a fantasy projected by machines that have taken over the earth and use human beings as living batteries.  Having been woken from the collective dream, Neo struggles to understand his place in this dystopian resistance.

It is hard to overestimate what an impact this had on pop culture in 1999.  I just watched it with some friends who had never seen the whole thing before and it was great to be able to see pieces click into place for them.  It still holds up really well, although some of the effects look dated.  This was such an innovative film, though, you can't even be mad about it.  It literally created new camera rigs to pull off some of the effects.  The sequels shouldn't exist because they are shameless cash grabs but you can never say The Matrix isn't a stone-cold classic sci-fi movie.

Because we also live in a dystopian hellscape, it's only available for streaming through the MGM+ app but you should really just buy it.  

Malcolm X (1992)

  Hope everyone had a happy, stress-free Thanksgiving.  But in case you didn't, here's a movie about a different kind of struggle.  Content warning: gun violence, racist imagery (KKK, lynching), racial slurs

Malcolm Little (Denzel Washington) rose from a two-bit street hustler to one of the most powerful men in the American Civil Rights movement, taking the surname X as a rejection of one imposed by white slaveowners.  He was demonized as a hardliner, a zealot, and a radical.  He advocated for Black-owned businesses, education, and adherence to Muslim values.  His principles were absolute and unimpeachable, based in a shining idealism that blinded him to the possibility of betrayal.

This is an incredible biopic.  It's so reverential it borders on hagiographic, but never quite strays over the line, thanks to a powerhouse performance by Washington.  It is a supreme injustice that Best Actor went to Al Pacino (who deserved one for a different performance) for Scent of a Woman and not Denzel.  That is some bullshit.  It's not a Hot Take to say that this is one of Spike Lee's best films, but it is still accurate.  At almost three and a half hours, you may need an intermission, but don't chicken out.  Watch it in chunks if you have to.  Delroy Lindo is great, Angela Bassett is always great, there are a ton of cameos from Karen Allen to Nelson Mandela, and an all-time performance from Albert Hall.  

Also, this is not something I generally pay attention to, but the sound design in this is phenomenal.  Genuine gut-wrenching moments caused exclusively by sound.  

If you don't know anything about Black history except that Malcolm X was the angry Not-MLK, Jr. but still got assassinated, you really need to see this film.  And maybe pick up a book by literally any POC. It's streaming on Amazon Prime.