End of Year 2017

Today is the last day of 2017, thank God.  This has been an absolute shitshow of a year and I will be happy to put it in my rearview.

Thanks to various commitments, I was only able to watch 19 new movies this year.  Overall, I saw less than 150 films, which is the second fewest annual number since I started this blog.  I'd like to think that I only spent my precious free time on movies worth seeing, however, and it was surprisingly difficult to rank this year's favorites.  Let's start at the bottom and work our way up.

10.  The LEGO Batman Movie - My one animated film for this year.

9.  Star Wars Episode VIII:  The Last Jedi - This was a great addition to the franchise.  I don't care how many petitions people sign.

8.  Annabelle:  Creation - I was surprised at how much I enjoyed this.  It was so much better than it had any right to be.

7.  Spider-Man:  Homecoming - I really didn't think we needed another Spider-Man movie but this won me over.

6.  Wonder Woman - This would have been much higher on the list if it hadn't been so reminiscent of Captain America.

5.  Atomic Blonde - This movie was so badass.

4.  Guardians of the Galaxy 2 - Now that some time has passed, the Ego storyline just leaves me kind of bleh.

3.  John Wick 2 - I strongly debated with myself over whether or not this deserved the first or second spot but I just couldn't displace the ones I already decided.

2.  Thor:  Ragnarok - For sheer fun, this was the greatest experience I had at the movies this year.

1.  Logan - Honestly, could it have been anything else?  This movie ripped my heart out and left me to die in the woods.

I don't rank TV shows but if you haven't seen American Gods or Legion, you're depriving yourself.

Now we can safely put 2017  behind us and look ahead to movies coming out in 2018.  All dates are subject to change.

Proud Mary - January 12 - January is traditionally a dumping ground for movies studios have little to no faith in, but this one stars Taraji P. Hensen as an assassin so I'm going to give it a shot anyway.

Mary and the Witch's Flower - January 18 - This is made by the spiritual successor to Studio Ghibli so I'm interested.

Black Panther - February 16 - Aw yiss.  Just in time for Valentine's Day.

Annihilation - February 23 - This looks really cool and it's by the same guy that wrote Ex Machina so it'll probably be terrifying.

Red Sparrow - March 2 - Jennifer Lawrence stars as a ballerina-turned-spy for Russia in what could have easily been the Black Widow origin story.

A Wrinkle in Time - March 9 - This is getting a lot of marketing already.  It's been so long since I read the book, though, I don't know if I want to see it.

Tomb Raider - March 16 - I'm torn.  Video game adaptations almost always suck but Alicia Vikander is awesome.

Pacific Rim Uprising - March 23 - Apparently, people really hated the original Pacific Rim.  I thought it was fun and I'm hoping the sequel is also fun.

Isle of Dogs - March 23 - This is another stop-motion animation from Wes Anderson, like The Fantastic Mr. Fox.  Some of his shit is a little too quirky but I have high hopes for this one.

Ready Player One - March 30 - I'm not totally on board with this but I feel like it might be too big to miss out on.  It's a Spielberg.

The New Mutants - April 13 - Oh hell yes.  Give me some mutant horror.

Overboard - April 20 - It actually hurt my soul to hear they were remaking this movie but I'm hoping it will be different enough to not ruin my memories.

Avengers:  Infinity War - May 4 - I feel sorry for any other movie trying to compete on the same weekend.

Slender Man - May 18 - Is this a thing?!  Really?  And in blockbuster season, not the dead days of winter?  Huh.

Solo:  A Star Wars Story - May 25 - Honestly, I don't know how this could possibly be good.

Deadpool 2 - June 1 - Just take my money, already.

Ocean's 8 - June 8 - Maybe this will be good?  I'm not holding my breath.

Incredibles 2 - June 15 - I have waited so long for this movie.  Damn.

Jurassic World:  Fallen Kingdom - June 22 - Okay.  Sure.  I'm down for this.

Ant-Man and the Wasp - July 6 - Marvel's back at it again.  This is the third entry this year, though, and I'm worried that by now people will be superheroed out.

The Nun - July 13 - This is another entry into the Conjuring-verse.  Now I just don't know what to think, after I was so pleasantly surprised by Annabelle 2.

Mission:  Impossible: 6 - July 27 - Yeah, I'm going to see it.  I kind of hate myself a little, though.

The Happytime Murders - August 17 - This looks fucked up and hilarious.

Robin Hood - September 21 - Do we really need another origin story?  Seriously?

Venom - October 5 - It's a Spider-Man villain without Spider-Man but with Tom Hardy.  I'm on the fence.

X-Men:  Dark Phoenix - November 2 - Dark Phoenix was my favorite storyline.  I really hope they don't fuck it up.

The Nutcracker and the Four Realms - November 2 - I don't even know why this movie exists.  Who needed a backstory on The Nutcracker?  It better be fucking gorgeous.

Mary, Queen of Scots - November 2 - This looks like a prestige film but it's got such a good cast that I'm interested.

The Grinch - November 9 - Are you shitting me?!

Fantastic Beasts:  The Crimes of Grindlewald - November 16 - I'm not big on Harry Potter but I quite enjoyed Fantastic Beasts.

Wreck-It Ralph 2:  Ralph Breaks the Internet - November 21 - I hope this doesn't suck.

Mortal Engines - December 14 - This looks kind of gonzo but it's written by and produced by Peter Jackson.  Could be a hot mess, could be brilliant.

Aquaman - December 21 - DC's only entry for the year.  Here's hoping it's a Wonder Woman, not a Justice League.

Bohemian Rhapsody - December 25 - Biopic of Freddie Mercury.  Yes.

Mary Poppins Returns - December 25 - I'm a little terrified, a little curious, and a little infuriated.

Pitch Perfect 3 (2017)

  I wanted to make sure this got in before my year-end review, which is coming later today.

The Barden Bellas have all graduated and gotten jobs out in the real world but they don't find it as satisfying as the time they spent with each other.  So when Legacy Bella Emily (Hailee Steinfield) calls for a reunion, the girls are super excited, only to find that Emily misspoke and was really just inviting them to watch the undergrad New Bellas perform.  Despondent, the old Bellas commiserate around the bar until Aubrey (Anna Camp) announces that she can pull strings with her father and get the Bellas on the annual USO tour, this year hosted by DJ Khalid (himself).  There, they must compete against bands that play actual instruments to get DJ Khalid's attention if they want to win the coveted opening slot for him on the last day of the tour.  Meanwhile, Fat Amy's (Rebel Wilson) estranged father (John Lithgow) tracks her down with the hope of reconnecting.

I wish I could say that this movie blew me away, but truthfully, it's just all right.  It's still hilarious, the music is still great, and it wraps up the Bellas' storylines but it feels like it's still chasing the magic of the original.  The original worked so well because it was such a surprise.  2 and 3 are not surprises.  They've become old hat.

Let's get real, though.  I've already bought the soundtrack.  I'm going to buy the movie.  I am a fan.  But even as a fan, I know that this should absolutely be the end of the road for this franchise.

I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry (2007)

  I can't believe I spent time on my Christmas Day to watch this movie.  As you may have already guessed, this is a Christy pick.  The one for July, to be specific.  God, I'm so far behind.  But we can't dwell on that!  Let's just get through this piece of shit movie.

Chuck (Adam Sandler) and Larry (Kevin James) are Brooklyn fire fighters and best friends.  Larry, a widower, is facing a tough decision -how to make sure his children get his benefits if anything should happen to him- and comes up with a plan.  He and Chuck will pretend to be gay so they can register as a domestic partnership.  Chuck, a womanizer, reluctantly agrees, but neither man foresees how this deception will impact their work or their lives.

This film is offensive on so many levels it's almost impressive.  It relies exclusively on stereotypes about men, women, gays, straights, and Asians for "humor" while attempting to pass itself off as progressive.  An example of its progress:  the main character smugly informs a courtroom that, having lived as gay for roughly two months, he realized that using the word "faggot" was a pejorative.

If this movie had been made in 1986 or even 1996, you could maybe pass it off as simply a product of a more ignorant time with regard to LGBT culture.  That would still not excuse it of its blatant misogyny or inexplicable decision to put Rob Schneider in yellowface, complete with coke-bottle glasses, an incomprehensible accent, and a bowl cut.

You want to know how out of touch this movie really is?  Do you remember MySpace fame-whore Tila Tequila?  Yeah, she got a cameo here as one of a group of Hooters girls fawning over Adam Sandler's schlubby fireman.  Jamie Chung, who has gone on to do much better things, is an extra in the same scene.

The real crime here is how this movie wastes decent actors like Jessica Biel, Dan Ackroyd, and Ving Rhames on parts so far beneath them, I'm a little worried they were blackmailed.

Avoid at all costs.

Annabelle: Creation (2017)

  Merry Christmas!  Here's a movie about a demonically-possessed doll! Show it to your kids if they complain about Santa not bringing them enough.

(Please don't actually do this.)

I did not have high expectations for this movie, considering that it's a prequel to a prequel that was itself unnecessary, but they really pulled it out.

After losing their daughter to a tragic accident, Samuel and Esther Mullins (Anthony LaPaglia and Miranda Otto) open their home to a handful of orphan girls, presided over by Sister Charlotte (Stephanie Sigman).  Janice (Talitha Bateman) is recovering from polio so she can't join in playing with the other girls.  She explores the house and comes across Bee's (Samara Lee) old room, and the doll locked away in a closet papered with pages from the Bible.  Soon, Janice has changed and her best friend, Linda (Lulu Wilson) is worried.  An ancient evil thought to be contained has reawakened.

The first Annabelle movie was really a let-down for the franchise and I was frankly surprised they were going to give it another go.  This is miles away better, however.  It is genuinely creepy, helped by the power of suggestion.  You never really see the monster/demon/evil full-out, which is great because then your own brain supplies the details to make it even more horrible and it's budget-friendly.  There's a sense of escalation throughout the film, leading to the finale which ties in to the first film pretty nicely.  They didn't have to show as much as they did there, but I guess the filmmakers wanted to show how a cute blond child becomes a brunette/auburn adult.  There's also a couple of nice tie-ins to the next expansion of the Conjuring-verse, The Nun.  Which is another story I'm not sure needs to be told, but if it's as good as this one, bring it on.

The Shape of Water (2017)

  Merry Christmas Eve!  Here a movie about fish people!

Eliza (Sally Hawkins) is a mute cleaning lady working at a government research lab.  Her life is routine but enjoyable.  Then a new asset, a humanoid amphibian (Doug Jones) captured in the Amazon, is brought in to be studied for secrets that could help the U.S. get a man on the moon before those pesky Russkies.  Eliza feels a strange affinity for the captive creature and starts befriending him.  This fascinates the lead researcher Dr. Hoffstetler (Michael Stuhlberg), but brings Eliza straight into the crosshairs of Strickland (Michael Shannon), the head of security.  When Strickland decides that the creature needs to be destroyed, Eliza embarks on a desperate plan to rescue him.

This has been described as Guillermo Del Toro's vision of a fairy tale and there are a lot of shades of Pan's Labyrinth here.  It is very much a romance, but it's also a love letter to the Golden Age of Hollywood and a sharp criticism of political and religious hypocrisy.  It shouldn't work but it does.

Hawkins is excellent here and no one plays a fish-man like Doug Jones.  This is a top-notch cast working with solid material.  I didn't full-out love it but I feel like this is a film meant to be seen over and over.

But for the love of God, don't go see this with your mom unless you know she is totally okay with a lady getting down with a fish-dude.  I felt so bad for the dude next to me who took his mom out for a nice Christmas Eve bonding at the movies and had to deal with some light bestiality instead.  Nothing explicit, but way more than just implied.  That's gotta be awkward.  The old couple to my left was pretty traumatized.  But they were also annoying so fuck 'em.  The future is now!  And it contains mer-sex!

The Greatest Showman (2017)

  Normally, I like to wait about 24 hours before I post something so I can really think about what I've watched but not this time.  I have just got home from watching The Greatest Showman and I want to get this out there.  This is probably going to be lengthier than usual, so strap in, kiddies.

Phineas T. Barnum (Hugh Jackman) is the poor son of a tailor with huge dreams.  His wife Charity (Michelle Williams) is beautiful, gracious, and loves him unconditionally, but Barnum wants more.  He opens a museum of oddities in New York City, openly courts controversy, and along the way meets extraordinary people.  But Barnum's ambitions only ever expand higher.  Not content with the everyday masses, he courts opera singer Jenny Lind (Rebecca Ferguson) away from Europe to be his new star in order to receive the approbation of the social elites.  This new focus, however, causes him to lose sight of everything he cared for.

First, the good.  The cast in this film is tremendous.  Jackman is a firecracker, Williams is luminous, Zac Efron and Zendaya are magnificent, and Ferguson is an ice cold queen.  But the real standout for me was Keala Settle.  She is a relative newcomer with only a couple of credits to her name on IMDb but holy fuckballs, she stole this whole show as Lettie Lutz.

It is a full-out musical and all the songs are fab.  I immediately bought the soundtrack and will be listening to it non-stop for the conceivable future.

Now the bad.  It's not really a great movie.  It is trying so so hard to be but it's just not.  First of all, it is so unbelievably sappy you might get a toothache.  It doesn't feel genuine.  And it only barely includes anything in the way of actual facts about P.T. Barnum's life.  It damn sure doesn't come close to his actual personality.  This is P.T. Barnum by way of Pollyanna.

Honestly, though, I think old Phineas would approve.  The man was a born huckster and this is a beautiful con job through and through.  Barnum may have said "The noblest art is that of making others happy" but he also said "There's a sucker born every minute."  Not that I think these are mutually exclusive concepts.  You can have a great time at this film.  Just know that you're being sold paste and being told it's diamonds.

Personal story time:  I had it pretty rough going into high school.  I didn't fit in, I got bullied, and was generally ostracized.  I didn't really know how to handle it.  My parents didn't understand, couldn't.  My mom was one of the popular kids who made my life miserable and my dad is so easy-going I don't know if anyone's ever said an unkind word to him.  All my friends were also being bullied the same or worse than I was, so it's not like I could go to them for help.  We were on our own.  Then I found Very Special People by Frederick Drimmer.  It's a collection of biographies of human oddities, many of whom are portrayed in The Greatest Showman.

I don't know if I can adequately express how much that book -those people- meant to me.  They gave me hope and showed me how truly insignificant my problems were.  How could I complain about my life or how I was treated when I was healthy, had the advantage of all my limbs and faculties, and could freely move about society.  Yes, I was made fun of but nobody threw rocks at me or told me to stay away from pregnant women for fear that I would frighten them so much their babies would be born deformed.  How dare I feel sorry for myself when Cesar Ducornet was born without arms and went on to become an extremely successful painter.  We are limited only by the restrictions of our own minds and that was the greatest lesson this book taught me.

So it was wonderful to see them represented in this film.  They don't all get lines, or backstories but I knew them all the same.  JoJo the Dog-Faced Boy.  Francisco Lentini, the three-legged man.  Chang and Eng, the original Siamese twins.  Tom Thumb.  Lettie Lutz was probably invented for the movie, but Madame Clofula and Annie Jones were both real bearded women who worked for Barnum and either could have served as inspiration.  These were real people and they deserve to be celebrated and remembered.

Okay, emotional appeal time is over.  Now it's Rant time to cleanse the palate of all these feelings.

Why in the living fuck can people not shut the fuck up during a movie?  Jesus Hopscotch Christ.  I'm over here trying to eat my Twizzlers and watch Wolverine sing to the Joker's widow and some old couple just will. NOT.  SHUT.  THE. FUCK. UP next to me.  I shushed them.  They ignored me.  I passive aggressively sighed and glared daggers.  They didn't notice.  This now makes more times than not this year that I have gone to a theater and had people fucking ruin the experience because they just can't keep their dickholders shut.  I was so irritated, I had to listen to the dulcet tones of Andy Williams on the way home to remember it IS the most wonderful time of the year and I SHOULDN'T hope that couple reenacts the end of "The Little Match Girl" by freezing to death alone and unmourned.

So, yeah, The Greatest Showman.  Buy the soundtrack.  Wait for Netflix on the movie.

Krampus (2015)

Tis the season, bitches!  I am in no way ready for Christmas this year, thanks to school and work, but by God am I going to celebrate.  I broke this out last night to show Tyler, because he needs this in his life.  Of course he loved it.  Who wouldn't?  It's the best holiday schadenfreude.  You should see it too.  Embrace the darkness.  Originally published 11 Sep 2016.    This might be my new favorite Christmas movie.  I saw it when I was down visiting Christy for Labor Day weekend and instantly fell in love.  It's such a throwback to old-school horror comedies like Gremlins or Trick 'r Treat but with a whole host of new, disgusting creatures to love through the terror.

Max (Emjay Anthony) is a young boy who really wants to believe in the spirit of Christmas but his family is not making it easy.  If it's not his gun-nut Uncle Howard (David Koechner) or his loud Great-Aunt Dorothy (Conchata Ferrell) making everyone miserable, it's the constant stress between his dad (Adam Scott) and mom (Toni Collette) of trying to make Christmas appear perfect.  In a fit of anger, Max wishes that his family would just disappear, unknowingly sending out a summons for Santa's silent partner, Krampus.

See, in a lot of places, if you end up on the Naughty list you get a lump of coal in your stocking.  In other places, you get Krampus who sends horrible minions to your house to eat you or drag you screaming into the bowels of the Earth.  Ho ho ho.

Holiday season is right around the corner so if you want to get in some reasons to be jolly or just want to pretend it's your relatives being attacked by elves, this is the movie for you.

Star Wars Episode VIII: The Last Jedi (2017)

I missed my posting schedule last week entirely.  I don't really have a good excuse.  Getting through the semester and trying to make up time at work have really sucked the life out of me.  It's hard enough to get home, watch maybe an episode of TV while I shovel in dinner, and then pass out.  I'm trying to do better for you guys.  Fortunately, the weekend is here and I managed to get in to the hottest ticket in town.  So here is my SPOILER-FREE review of The Last Jedi.
  Don't worry, nerds.  This movie was totally amazing.  And beautifully shot.  Holy shit.

The rebels are on the run from First Order troops still.  General Leia Organa (Carrie Fisher) is tired of the constant loss of life, lives she feels responsible for, but knows she cannot stop this fight.  Poe Dameron (Oscar Isaac) is convinced that if they can just lead one more attack, one more run, victory will be at hand.  Meanwhile, Rey (Daisy Ridley) has searched for and found Luke Skywalker (Mark Hamill), the hope of the resistance, only to discover that he is a tired, bitter man burdened by his failures.  He has no interest in teaching another pupil after what happened to his nephew, Ben Solo aka Kylo Ren (Adam Driver).  Rey and Kylo have also found themselves linked through the Force after their battle in the woods.  Rey is convinced there is good in him still, even if no one can see it but her.  Meanwhile, meanwhile, Finn (John Boyega) and his new friend Rose (Kelly Marie Tran) are on a super secret mission to a casino world.

First, the good.  Great giant fuckballs, this movie was gorgeous.  We had to see it in 3D, ugh, I know, but it wasn't intrusive or murky at all.  It was also way funnier than I thought it would be.  Most of Star Wars has its own little humor but it tends to happen in the downbeats.  This was much lighter and snappier throughout, without (take note, DC Extended Universe) sacrificing the pathos or tension.  And there are plenty of both in this film.

Now, the bad.  People are the absolute worst.  We were in a packed theater, as you can imagine, and the crowd was mostly great.  Except Tyler, who was wasted and super loud.  There was a moment in the film which I can't describe because MAJOR SPOILER but it was so fucking beautiful and awe-inspiring.  This is the shit that wins Oscars.  And some fucking teenager screamed and ruined the entire goddamn thing.  Just sucked the magic out.  And his idiot friends started laughing at him and talking, in that nervous way you do after you've been really tense, and I could have just killed all of them but they were on the other side of the theater.  Little bastards.

Anyway, you should definitely go see this.  Critics have started comparing it favorably to The Empire Strikes Back, and it is definitely a callback, but Rian Johnson manages to subvert those direct nods into a more unique take.  It is absolutely worth the money, even for 3D.

75th Golden Globe Awards Nominations

This past weekend I was writing papers for my classes and didn't watch, read, or post anything.  I am so far behind the curve, I didn't even know the nominations came out yesterday so you're getting a special late post. 

Best Motion Picture - Drama

Call Me by Your Name
Dunkirk
The Post
The Shape of Water
Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri

I have seen none of these.  Absolutely none.  Some of them haven't even come out yet, though.

Best Motion Picture - Musical or Comedy

The Disaster Artist
Get Out
The Greatest Showman
I, Tonya
Lady Bird

Again, seen precisely zero of these.  I bought Get Out; I just haven't watched it yet. And The Greatest Showman doesn't come out until this weekend, maybe?  I definitely want to see I, Tonya.  Don't even ask me about The Disaster Artist.  You know how I feel about James Franco.

Best Actor in a Motion Picture - Drama

Timothee Chalomet - Call Me by Your Name
Daniel Day-Lewis - Phantom Thread
Tom Hanks - The Post
Gary Oldman - Darkest Hour
Denzel Washington - Roman J. Israel, Esq.

This is a tough category.  Look at those names.  Holy shit.  I'm going to be honest, though, based on the trailer Phantom Thread looks boring as fuck.

Best Actress in a Motion Picture - Drama

Jessica Chastain - Molly's Game
Sally Hawkins - The Shape of Water
Frances McDormand - Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri
Meryl Streep - The Post
Michelle Williams - All the Money in the World

Best Actor in a Motion Picture - Musical or Comedy

Steve Carrell - Battle of the Sexes
Ansel Elgort - Baby Driver
James Franco - The Disaster Artist
Hugh Jackman - The Greatest Showman
Daniel Kaluuya - Get Out

Based on the marketing, I didn't think Battle of the Sexes was supposed to be a comedy.  Of course, neither is Get Out but the Hollywood Foreign Press Association doesn't give a fuck.  They are above your labels!

Best Actress in a Motion Picture - Musical or Comedy

Judi Dench - Victoria and Abdul
Helen Mirren - The Leisure Seeker
Margot Robbie - I, Tonya
Saoirse Ronan -  Lady Bird
Emma Stone - Battle of the Sexes

I've never even heard of Helen Mirren's new movie.  Must be one of those indie jobs.

Best Supporting Actor in a Motion Picture

Willem Dafoe - The Florida Project
Armie Hammer - Call Me by Your Name
Richard Jenkins - The Shape of Water
Christopher Plummer - All the Money in the World
Sam Rockwell - Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri

I'm pretty sure they nominated Christopher Plummer for NOT being Kevin Spacey.  Which I am okay with.

Best Supporting Actress in a Motion Picture

Mary J. Blige - Mudbound
Hong Chau - Downsizing
Allison Janney - I, Tonya
Laurie Metcalf - Lady Bird
Octavia Spencer - The Shape of Water

Best Director

Guillermo Del Toro - The Shape of Water
Martin McDonagh - Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri
Christopher Nolan - Dunkirk
Ridley Scott - All the Money in the World
Steven Spielberg - The Post

Yikes.  Again, that is a lot of established talent right there.

Best Screenplay

The Shape of Water
Lady Bird
The Post
Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri
Molly's Game

Best Original Score

Carter Burwell - Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri
Alexandre Desplat - The Shape of Water
Jonny Greenwood - Phantom Thread
John Williams - The Post
Hans Zimmer - Dunkirk

Best Original Song

"Remember Me" - Coco
"This is Me" - The Greatest Showman
"Home" - Ferdinand
"Mighty River" - Mudbound
"The Star" - The Star

I really want to see Coco.  The Star looks pretty terrible, tbh, but I'm also not super religious so maybe it's just a demographic thing.

Best Animated Film

The Boss Baby
The Breadwinner
Coco
Ferdinand
Loving Vincent

Zero interest in The Boss Baby.  Never heard of The Breadwinner.  Loving Vincent is supposed to be utterly gorgeous, though.

Best Foreign Language Film

A Fantastic Woman
First They Killed My Father
In the Fade
Loveless
The Square

Best TV Series - Drama

The Crown
Game of Thrones
The Handmaid's Tale
Stranger Things
This is Us

I am either not caught up on or haven't started any of these shows.

Best TV Series - Comedy or Musical

Black-ish
The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel
Master of None
SMILF
Will & Grace

Best TV Actor - Drama

Jason Bateman - Ozark
Sterling K. Brown - This is Us
Freddie Highmore - The Good Doctor
Bob Odenkirk - Better Call Saul
Liev Schrieber - Ray Donovan

Better Call Saul is the only one of these that I am caught up on.

Best TV Actress - Drama

Catriona Balfe - Outlander
Claire Foy - The Crown
Maggie Gyllenhaal - The Deuce
Katherine Langford - 13 Reasons Why
Elisabeth Moss - The Handmaid's Tale

Best TV Actor - Comedy or Musical

Anthony Anderson - Black-ish
Aziz Ansari - Master of None
Kevin Bacon - I Love Dick
William H. Macy - Shameless
Eric McCormack - Will & Grace

Best TV Actress - Comedy or Musical

Pamela Adlon - Better Things
Alison Brie - GLOW
Rachel Brosnahan - The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel
Issa Rae - Insecure
Frankie Shaw - SMILF

Best Actor in a Limited Series or Made for TV Movie

Robert DeNiro - The Wizard of Lies
Jude Law - The Young Pope
Kyle MacLachlan - Twin Peaks
Ewan McGregor - Fargo
Geoffrey Rush - Genius

Best Actress in a Limited Series or Made for TV Movie

Jessica Biel - The Sinner
Nicole Kidman - Big Little Lies
Jessica Lange - Feud: Bette and Joan
Susan Sarandon - Feud:  Bette and Joan
Reese Witherspoon - Big Little Lies

Best Supporting Actor in a Limited Series or Made for TV Movie

David Harbour - Stranger Things
Alfred Molina - Feud: Bette and Joan
Alexander Skarsgard - Big Little Lies
Christian Slater - Mr. Robot
David Thewlis - Fargo

Best Supporting Actress in a Limited Series or Made for TV Movie

Laura Dern - Big Little Lies
Ann Dowd - The Handmaid's Tale
Chrissy Metz - This is Us
Michelle Pfeiffer - The Wizard of Lies
Shailene Woodley - Big Little Lies

Best Limited Series or Made for TV Movie

Big Little Lies
Fargo
Feud: Bette and Joan
The Sinner
Top of the Lake: China Girl

Wow.  There's a LOT on here that I haven't seen.  That sucks because it's going to take me forever to get to it all.  Unless it gets nominated for an Oscar.  Then I'll make more of an effort, as usual.  Out of the TV shows, I'm probably only going to add Bette and Joan.  Times are tough and sacrifices must be made.  I'm not even close to getting the nominations from two years ago on my queue, it's so overstuffed.  The Golden Globe awards are Jan 7, 2018.  Let's hope things have calmed down somewhat by then.

Some TV and Anime

I haven't had a chance to watch any movies this week.  I've been trying to catch up on some of my TV shows.

  I finally finished watching Trigun.  It's not bad but it didn't blow me away, either.  If you want a space Western anime, watch Cowboy Bebop.

Two insurance agents attempt to track down a gunman named Vash the Stampede as he travels from town to town and end up getting caught in his high-stakes world of good vs evil.

  I was sick with a cold a couple of weeks ago and binged season 1 of RuPaul's Drag Race.  It's officially amazing.  Fair warning:  I watched it through Kodi and the quality was shit so I don't know that it's ever been legitimately released on video or streaming.

  Tyler and I finally finished watching season two of Preacher.   Maybe because it took over four months to watch, I thought it lacked the momentum of the first season.  I'm going to have to buy it and rewatch it all at once to be sure though.

Jesse (Dominic Cooper), Tulip (Ruth Negga), and Cassidy (Joseph Gilgun) are searching for God in every jazz bar in New Orleans.  Along the way, they meet gangsters, a cowboy who can't die (Graham McTavish), an angel who wants to (Tom Brooke), a corporation that extracts souls (really, don't they all?), operatives from the mysterious Grail Corporation, and an actual descendent of Jesus (Tyson Ritter).  Oh, and Eugene (Ian Colletti) meets and befriends Hitler (Noah Taylor) while unfairly imprisoned in Hell.

  I gave Marvel's Inhumans a chance, even with the overwhelmingly negative reviews and it turned out to be mostly watchable.  It helped that it was only eight episodes.  I think a full 22- or even 13-episode run would have been a disaster.  Serinda Swan was a series highlight for me.  I thought she was going to be awful but she was the glue that held the whole thing together.  In fact, all the ladies (except Isabelle Cornish, but I think that was more the character and not the actress.  She worked with what she had.) were kind of amazing.

The Inhumans have been living in a secret city on the moon ever since they were forced off Earth.  They have very limited resources and a strict caste system based on the powers received after terragenesis.  Maximus (Iwan Rheon), the younger brother of King Black Bolt (Anson Mount), has been scheming and plotting to overthrow his sibling and take control of the kingdom.  He stages a sneak attack and manages to destroy Queen Medusa's (Serinda Swan) psionically-controlled hair but her sister Crystal (Isabelle Cornish) rescues her and the other members of the inner circle with the help of her teleporting giant dog.  That is actually a thing.  They all end up on Oahu, separated because dogs aren't great with geography, and must manage to stay alive, find each other, and figure out how to get their throne back.  And maybe consider some social reforms.

  Tyler has really enjoyed The Orville.  It's definitely his favorite new show of the season.  I like it well enough on an episode by episode basis.  I don't know how it would work to try and watch all together though.  I don't think there's enough continuity for that.

Captain Ed Mercer (Seth MacFarlane) leads the crew of the Union Federation space ship Orville through various missions and interactions with life forms of all kinds.  As always, the real drama is the interaction of the crew, which includes Ed's ex-wife and first officer (Adrianne Padalicki), an untried chief of security (Halston Sage), a goof-off pilot (Scott Grimes), an expressionless third officer (Peter Macon), and the steadily reassuring doctor (Penny Johnson Jerald).

  I tried to watch Ghosted but I'm done.  There's too many shows that I'm actually interested in to waste space on my DVR with this middling comedy.

Max (Adam Scott) and Leroy (Craig Robinson) are recruited into the Bureau Underground, a semi-official government agency that hunts monsters, aliens, and all the other weirdness of the world.  Like The X-Files or Men in Black if they were awful and dumb.

  The Gifted is a much better use of my time.  It's not as good as Legion but really, there was no way it could have been.  I'm not caught up to current but I've liked what I've seen so far.

After his children are revealed to be mutants, Reed Strucker (Stephen Moyer) reaches out to the Mutant Underground to get them to safety before Sentinel Services can lock them away or worse.

  I'm almost caught up to present on Riverdale season two.  A new episode dropped this week but otherwise I'm good.  I have to say, I'm not loving the serial killer plot line but this show is soapy and amazing in a fucked up teen drama way and I love it. So I'll stick with it to the end.  I'm just hoping a third season can turn this dive around.

  Speaking of garbage but fun, Blindspot is back for a third season of barely plausible intrigue.

In a jump of several years forward in time, Jane (Jamie Alexander) and Kurt (Sullivan Stapleton) are married but have been separated after a Sandstorm sympathizer put a $10M bounty on Jane's head.  Kurt has to track her down after the rest of their team -having scattered to the four winds- is kidnapped.  Jane and Kurt soon discover that Roman (Luke Mitchell) has again covered Jane in head-to-toe tattoos (this time they are blacklight activated) that intersect with her original set in order to force the team to decipher them and prevent a whole new set of catastrophes.

 And finally, we come to Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency season two.  I'm only a couple of episodes in, but I love love LOVE this show.

Dirk (Samuel Barnett), Todd (Elijah Wood), and Farah (Jade Eshete) are pulled into another case involving a missing boy, an alternate dimension, and real honest-to-God magic.  Todd is also trying to find his sister Amanda (Hannah Marks), who has been traveling with the fourth member of the Rowdy 3 (Osric Chau) and trying to understand the visions she's been seeing.  Meanwhile, the disintegrating Blackwing organization has called in its chief fixer, Mr. Priest (Alan Tudyk) to hunt down Dirk and all the other superpowered people.

Justice League (2017)

  I fully expected this to suck balls.  I wasn't even going to waste money to see it in theaters.  All the fuzzy warmth from Wonder Woman couldn't save it, plagued with rewrites, and Zach Snyder getting all over it, and DC having to sweet-talk Joss Whedon to coming in and salvaging the wreckage.

But salvage he did and Justice League isn't nearly the shitshow I thought it was going to be.  It's not perfect, by any stretch, and it owes plenty to Marvel's Avengers and not just in Whedon.

Superman's (Henry Cavill) death sent ripples throughout the world, awakening an ancient force known as the Mother boxes.  In turn, the boxes call Steppenwolf (Ciaran Hinds) from exile to reclaim them and turn the earth into a chaotic hellscape.  Batman (Ben Affleck) knows he can't defeat this threat by himself so he recruits Wonder Woman (Gal Gadot), Aquaman (Jason Momoa), The Flash (Ezra Miller), and Cyborg (Ray Fisher) to join with him and stop Steppenwolf from combining the three boxes.

Honestly, if it weren't for Gadot and Miller, this probably wouldn't be worth watching.  She brings such a warmth and humanity to what could have been a cold, macho posturing.  Every scene with her seemed brighter.  Miller is one of the best young up-and-coming actors emerging today and I am so happy to see him in this role.

I would love to see Momoa get more comedic parts.  He has been typecast as this brooding, stoic, musclebound hero but in interviews he's very lively.  I just hope his solo outing lets us see a bit more of his personality.  Ray Fisher is a total unknown but he has some serious star potential.  I'm actually looking forward to seeing what he'll do next with the role.

And before all of you start thinking that I'm just going to gush with praise over this outing, I have to say something about The Most Expensive Facial Hair in the World.  What the actual fuck.  That has got to be the worst CGI I have seen in a movie from this decade.

For those of you who have better things to do with your lives than troll movie news sites, Henry Cavill grew a mustache for the next movie he is in (Mission:  Impossible 6) before being asked to come back and do a bunch of reshoots for Justice League.  He either was not allowed or refused to shave the mustache, which required the VFX team to remove it digitally.  They only had a certain amount of time to accomplish this so it is very obvious in the movie how many scenes were reshot.  Every time you see Cavill's mouth look like it's trying to move off the screen, it's a reshoot.  In fact, I only counted two scenes where it wasn't.  To me, this is just further proof that Warner Bros. and DC are trying way too hard to seem viable in competition with Marvel.

Serenity (2005)

  I also made Bethany the Work Wife watch this one.  They were going to go up together but I didn't have enough time last week.

River Tam (Summer Glau) is rescued from a government lab by her brother (Sean Maher), who has joined the crew of the ship Serenity, a tight-knit group of misfits and former revolutionaries who do odd jobs around the edges of the galaxy.  Captain Malcolm Reynolds (Nathan Fillion) leads his merry band through thick and thin, but even he is daunted at the level of response to get River back.  Mal has not yet left a man behind, so he is determined to get to the truth before the government's assassin (Chiwetel Ejiofor) takes them all out.

This was the first experience I ever had with a rabid fandom.  I never saw the show Firefly until after I saw the movie.  And every time I mentioned it, all I ever heard was "You should see Firefly.  It was unfairly cancelled."  Here's my unpopular opinion:  the movie is way better.  It distilled all the magic of the series into two perfect hours and presented it with a bow on top.  Short and sweet.  No wasting your time trying to figure out the proper episode order or dealing with filler bullshit.  Fuck Firefly.  Watch Serenity.

Little Monsters (1989)

  This is the second Christy pick for June.  I had seen it before but not for many, many years so it got a pass to get watched again.

Brian (Fred Savage) has just moved to a new town with his family and everything seems to be going wrong.  His little brother (Ben Savage) keeps screaming about a monster under the bed, stuff is going missing or gets broken around the house, and his parents keep blaming Brian for it all.  On a dare, he switches rooms with his brother and discovers that the monster is real.  Being a forward-thinking kid, he rigs the bed the next night to trap the monster above ground.  Maurice (Howie Mendel) is impressed and offers to show Brian the secret world of monsters under the bed.  It's all fun and games until Boy (Frank Whelan), the head monster, decides that Brian should become a monster himself and kidnaps Brian's little brother to ensure this outcome.

Surprisingly, the child actors in this are not the most annoying things.  Fred and Ben Savage were both prodigies as children, both going on to star in huge TV shows.  The most irritating thing about this film is Howie Mandel.  Beetlejuice had just come out the year prior and Mandel seems to have watched it repeatedly for inspiration, but Michael Keaton he is not.  He is way too manic with this air of forced cheerfulness.  I know the character is supposed to be a troublemaker who goes from kid's room to kid's room painting on walls, breaking things, and getting the kids blamed for it and maybe it works if you're a kid watching, but as an adult Maurice is the worst.

The best performance in the movie has to be Frank Whelan.  He only gets a limited amount of screen time as the big bad but he packs every moment with creepy menace.

If you're looking for a way to introduce your kids to monster or horror movies, this isn't a bad place to start.

The Mirror Has Two Faces (1996)

  I am shocked that I haven't posted about this movie before.  I know I've been through the M's already.  I probably skipped it, now that I think about it.  I have to be in a very specific mood to watch this film and really enjoy it.  Or be showing it to someone new.  Bethany, my ex-work wife (I got laid off but she and I are still friends), had never seen it despite being raised mostly on chick flicks.  Long time readers know that I almost never watch chick flicks but this happens to be one of, if not my absolute, favorites.

Professor Greg Larkin (Jeff Bridges) is tired of constantly falling for and getting dumped by hot women so he takes out a personal ad looking for someone a little less attractive and more grateful.  Rose (Barbra Streisand) is a Literature professor mostly resigned to living the rest of her days in the shadow of her younger sister (Mimi Rogers) and mother (Lauren Bacall).  Her sister answers Larkin's ad on Rose's behalf in a condescending attempt to be nice.  They meet and find enough common ground to begin a totally platonic relationship.  The difficulty arises when Rose violates their agreement by falling for Larkin.

This movie feels very dated in terms of gender politics but the story itself is pretty solid.  What I love is how snappy the dialogue is between Streisand, Bacall, and Rogers.  That will never get old to me.  Obviously, your enjoyment of this is going to be based on your Streisand tolerance level.  She directed, starred, and sings the final song of the film.  That's a lot of Babs and not everyone's cup of tea.  But if you're okay with her, this is a nice rainy-day movie to watch when you're feeling particularly hopeful about romance.

The Aristocats (1970)

  This is one of those classic Disney movies that everyone should see around the age of six or seven.  Any older than that and it will seem too saccharine, any younger and they probably won't remember.

Duchess (Eva Gabor) and her three kittens live in a beautiful house in Paris with Madame (Hermione Baddeley), their devoted owner.  Madame is getting on in years so she amends her will to leave everything to the cats, in the care of her butler, Edgar (Roddy Maude-Roxby).  Edgar sees a future of servitude to animals and decides it's better to just get rid of the cats, so he drugs them and dumps them in the French countryside.  They are chanced upon by Thomas O'Malley (Phil Harris), a roaming alley cat, who hooks them up with a ride back into Paris.  But they still have to face Edgar before they can be reunited.

This is calculated to offend precisely zero people (except for the super racist portrayals of the jazz cats).  The story is mild, the villain is relatively bumbling, and the songs are catchy but fairly spread out through the film.  Completely appropriate for all ages.

Thor: Ragnarok (2017)

  I saw this last weekend but didn't end up getting to post it.  This is definitely the best Thor movie.  I'd have to rewatch all the Marvels to see where it ranks overall, but that is a project for next summer perhaps.

Thor (Chris Hemsworth) discovers that Loki (Tom Hiddleston) has been impersonating Odin (Anthony Hopkins) after having hidden him away on Earth.  With some help from Doctor Strange (Benedict Cumberbatch), they find a much diminished Odin in Norway.  He warns them that with his death, Hela (Cate Blanchett) will rise and seek to claim the throne of Asgard.  Which she does.  Being older and more powerful than both Thor and Loki combined, she immediately kicks their asses and they end up separated and fallen through the rainbow bridge onto the planet Sakaar.  Loki ingratiates himself with the Grandmaster (Jeff Goldblum), while Thor is tagged by a former Valkyrie (Tessa Thompson) to fight in the gladiatorial arena.  He is at first pleased to know his opponent, the undisputed champion, is the Hulk (Mark Ruffalo) but soon discovers that Hulk has no desire to ever become Bruce Banner again.  Thor must convince Hulk and Valkyrie to reject their unhealthy coping mechanisms so they can escape from Sakaar and stop Hela before she destroys the universe.

This was a highly anticipated film, in no small part because it represented the first entry from New Zealand director Taika Waititi.  He encouraged the actors to improvise and said in at least one interview that 80% of the script was off-the-cuff.  I don't know how to describe it, but there is a very particular energy in improvisational films.  Anticipation, maybe?  There always seems like a split-second of hesitation between each line.  That may or may not work for you.  You may not even notice it.  For this film, it works.

There's a great camaraderie between the main actors, probably from having worked so closely with each other for so long.  Blanchett is a pro.  You could probably drop her in without a script and she'd blow you away.  Tessa Thompson was a very pleasant addition.  She is a fast rising star and I hope to see more of her in everything.

I loved this movie.  It was a candy-colored arcade-game-themed roller coaster and it rewards my faith in being a Marvel fangirl.

Treasure Planet (2002)

  I vaguely remember this coming out.  I wasn't blown away by it, but there's apparently a large underground of fan art so clearly some people liked it.

Jim Hawkins (Joseph Gordon-Levitt) comes into possession of a map that leads to the treasure of the notorious pirate, Captain Flint.  He and his loyal friend Doctor Doppler (David Hyde Pierce) hire a ship to travel to the planet.  Captain Amelia (Emma Thompson) doesn't care for the rather seamy crew and forbids mention of the treasure, relegating Jim to cabin boy and putting him in the care of the ship's cook, John Silver (Brian Murray).

This is obviously an update/reimagining of Treasure Island and it's not horrible, but it has a number of issues.  One of the things that made Long John Silver such a compelling character in the novel is his ambiguity.  He takes care of Jim, sure, but his motives are never 100% clear and by the end Jim is the stronger for having to question this authority figure.  The movie removes all gray areas, portraying Silver as a gruff, crusty figure with a heart of gold, who clearly sees Jim as a surrogate son.  It just felt like the stakes were so much lower.

Ava's Possessions (2015)

  I hope everyone had a fun and happy Halloween.  It's been a rough year for me, on balance, so I kept it simple.  Just kicked back for the evening and watched a horror movie with my sugar dumpling, Tyler.  As far as horror films go, he's not the biggest fan so I wanted to skew a little lighter, more comedic.  You have to ease them into these things.  I had read about this a couple of years ago on Ain't It Cool News' recurring feature of reviewing 31 of the best horror films each year but it hadn't made it onto my queue just yet.  (I think it was in the high 700s).

Yes, there is a spreadsheet.

Shut up.

Ava (Louisa Krause) awakens to find herself surrounded by her family and a priest (John Ventimiglia), who kindly informs her that she has just been exorcised.  Her lawyer (Dan Fogler) advises her that there are a lot of people pressing charges for her demonic escapades and that her best bet to avoid jail time is to attend Spirit Possessed Anonymous.  She is told to track down and make amends to everyone she hurt during her possession, but this sets her on the course of a deeper mystery.

This has some plot problems, especially the ending, and it's pretty low-budget for effects but it's extremely entertaining.  The parallels between possession and addiction are explored in a tongue-in-cheek way and the whole film feels like a breezy, good-time romp through your local cemetery.

No one else does that?

Moving on.

It's on Netflix and you should take a look if you like your horror movies to be more comedy than gore.

The Voices (2014)

  I know it's been a while, but we're finally back on the Christy Experiment.  This is one of two films she chose for June, her birthday month.

Jerry (Ryan Reynolds) is trying his best to fit in at the bath fixtures factory.  He sees his court-appointed psychiatrist (Jacki Weaver) at regular intervals and tries to embrace his crush on the office hottie, Fiona (Gemma Arterton).  But after (mostly) accidentally killing Fiona with a hunting knife after she stands him up for a date, Jerry realizes that the only advice he can trust is from Bosco, and Mr. Whiskers, his dog and cat.  As the body count starts to rise, however, Jerry starts to wonder if Mr. Whiskers might possibly be a psychopathic serial killer.

Normally, I am very opposed to films or shows that make light of mental illness.  There's just enough of a sympathetic glimpse into this tortured soul to make it fall on the right side of the scale.  Marjane Satrapi deftly mixes humor, surreality, and genuine pathos into this tale of a deeply disturbed man.  She is helped in this endeavor by the chameleonic presence of Ryan Reynolds, and a top-notch supporting cast including Anna Kendrick, Ella Smith, and the aforementioned Weaver and Arterton.

Antz (1998)

  Woof, this movie has not aged well.  This was back in the day when DreamWorks was still struggling a bit competing with Pixar.  A Bug's Life came out the month after this and everyone promptly forgot it existed.  I had it on VHS and finally transferred to DVD back in like 2012, so this is the first time I've watched it in years.

Z (Woody Allen) is a worker ant who dreams of something more.  A chance encounter with Princess Bala (Sharon Stone) impels him to try and change his life, first by becoming a warrior, then leading an ill-fated expedition to the fabled promised land of Insectopia.  Along his personal journey, he runs afoul of General Mandible (Gene Hackman), who believes in a rigidly stratified society and who will stop at nothing to achieve his ends.

It's a very straightforward narrative and it could have worked.  It just didn't know if it wanted to be geared towards children or adults and couldn't find that balance.  Also, the animation betrays it nowadays.  It doesn't look nearly as sleek or polished as its Pixar counter and doesn't hold a candle to the animation being churned out by DreamWorks today.  This is another one for the ash heap of history.

Rustlers' Rhapsody (1985)

  I loved this movie.  I had to watch it on Amazon since Netflix has never had a copy of this, but it was totally worth it.  This is one of the best Western spoofs I've ever seen.

Singing cowboy Rex O'Herlihan (Tom Berenger) finds himself going to the same cliche-ridden towns all over the West.  There's always a corrupt cattle baron who is somehow always a colonel (Andy Griffith) with a beautiful, headstrong daughter (Sela Ward), a bunch of put upon farmers or sheep herders, a beautiful prostitute with a heart of gold (Marilu Henner), and a town drunk (G. W. Bailey).  But when the Colonel joins forces with the equally corrupt railroad tycoon (Fernando Ray) to bring in a foil, Rex finds himself off script and struggling.

Some of this film has not held up well, like the underscoring homophobia, but the vast majority of it is spot-on.  Berenger is absolutely perfect as the carrot-eating, monogram-wardrobed Rex and Bailey is fantastic as his erstwhile sidekick and narrator.  If you've ever watched the black-and-white 40's Western serials, or the 50's TV shows, you really need to see this movie.

Thor: The Dark World (2013)

Man, I am really harsh on Marvel movies.  Yikes.  As is usually the case, I am much more tolerant on a second viewing.  This is still not in my top five favorites, but I'm not going to pretend it doesn't exist.  Tonally, it struggles, but that's okay.  Not everything can be perfect.  And it was nice to see Natalie Portman in the MCU again.  Originally posted 10 Nov 2013.    Let me start by saying that I liked the movie.  I had a good time while I was watching it and owning it is pretty much a given.

However.

Of all the Marvel movies thus far, this is my least favorite, moving Captain America up a notch.  I know!  No one wants to hear that.  But I'm saying it anyway.  My biggest problem with this film was the lack of consistency.  Parts of it were hilarious, parts were exciting, and parts were (at least trying to be) emotional.  None of it ever really came together in a coherent whole. 

Thor (Chris Hemsworth) has been busy since New York, putting the nine realms back into order.  However, his heart still pines for Jane Foster (Natalie Portman).  Odin (Anthony Hopkins) thinks he should forget about the pesky mortal and marry someone his own species, like Sif (Jamie Alexander).  But when Jane accidentally discovers an ancient artifact of destruction called the Aether, she awakens Asgard's old enemies the Dark Elves, led by Malekith (Christopher Eccleston).  Malekith wants to use the convergence of all nine realms to unleash the Aether and wipe out the entire universe because he doesn't like sunlight.  Hey, we've all been there.  Thor and Odin disagree on the best method of handling Malekith, so Thor and his friends decide to go behind the All-Father's back since that worked out so well the first time.  The first step is to break Loki (Tom Hiddleston) out of jail and convince him to show them the back way out of Asgard. 

It's clear that someone spent a great deal of time and effort trying to tie all the elements from previous films into this one.  It just feels a little forced, like someone trying to copy Joss Whedon's style of character-building and falling flat.  The actors are all great, but they're great separately.  Case in point, Tom Hiddleston is amazing just being Loki.  Like he doesn't have to do anything, just being Loki is enough.  But I really think Stellan Skarsgaard stole this film.  Dr. Erik Selvig was utterly traumatized by having Loki take over his brain in The Avengers and he is still recovering from that. 

There is a mid-credit scene that sets up the villain for next summer's Guardians of the Galaxy.  I'm sure I read it at some point but I totally forgot who they had cast in that role, and I was completely overjoyed to see him.    There is also a little clip at the very end of the credits that shows that you can be practically god-like and still miss a few tiny details in the heat of battle.  I'm wondering if that is what will be handled in the crossover episode of Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.

Frances Ha (2012)

  I don't know why this is a Criterion Collection pick.  I don't get it.

The official synopsis from Netflix says "Determined to make it as a modern dancer in New York, a young woman pursues her unlikely goal with more enthusiasm than natural talent," but that's not really accurate.

Frances (Greta Gerwig) is a 27-year-old dancing apprentice who has an unhealthy codependent relationship with her best friend, Sophie (Mickey Sumner).  But when Sophie's life starts to follow a more traditional path for adulthood (real job, committed relationship, etc.), Frances is forced to confront that she has just been coasting in Sophie's wake.

I think everybody has known or has been a Frances at some point in their lives.  Your enjoyment of this movie may be a direct reflection of how irritating you find these human beings.  I will be the first to tell you that I don't like character-based dramas.  Frances also reminded me a lot of Adele from Blue is the Warmest Color, except that she was 15, not almost 30.

Gerwig is adept enough, but I thought Sumner's performance was better.  I think it was meant to seem more cinema verite by shooting in black and white, but it comes off as pretentious to me.  Maybe a more grounded style was meant as a contrast to how flighty Frances is?  I don't know.  It's a pretty straightforward story, no twists and turns, or big reveal.  If you like that sort of thing, give it a shot.  I found it a little too annoying.

Blade Runner 2049 (2017)

  I saw this movie two weeks ago and I still don't know if I liked it or not.  This is probably going to ruin my nerd cred with some of you, but I never really liked the original Blade Runner.  I thought it was decent but seriously overhyped.  And I'm leaning the same direction for the sequel.

K (Ryan Gosling) is a blade runner, a replicant tasked with running down the rebellious members of his own kind.  His first inkling that something has gone horribly wrong is when he is tasked to retire Sapper Morton (Dave Bautista), who has been the caretaker of an enormous secret, one which threatens the entire society:  that a replicant could give birth to living offspring.  K is commanded to track down and destroy the child before this becomes public knowledge.  But industrialist and replicant manufacturer Niander Wallace (Jared Leto) has his own plans for the miracle child.  As K finds himself drawn further into the mystery, all roads seem to lead back to the original officer, Rick Deckard (Harrison Ford).

It's a beautiful film, really.  Denis Villeneuve and Roger Deakins see to that.  The problem I have is the story.  What is this movie adding to the conversation Ridley Scott began in 1982?  That's not rhetorical.  I legit don't know.  It seems like mostly an excuse to retread familiar ground with better special effects.  I've heard some people say it gives the ending that the original should have had, but I think that's crap.  There was nothing wrong with the ending.  It was purposefully open-ended in order to keep you guessing.  The question was never "is Deckard a replicant?"  It was "how do we define humanity?"  This film is so sympathetic to K and the other replicants that it seems like a moot point.

I don't think anyone would ever be sorry they watched it.  Like I said, Villeneuve and Deakins are master craftsmen.  I'm just sorry that it couldn't have pushed the dialogue a little further.

Tower Heist (2011)

  If you were forced, gun to your head, to watch a Ben Stiller movie, you should still pick Madagascar.  But this isn't a terrible alternate.

When rich asshole Artie Shaw (Alan Alda) loses all the Tower Apartments employees' pensions in illegal trades, apartment manager Josh Kovacs (Ben Stiller) takes it personally.  He discovers from the investigating FBI agent (Tea Leoni) that they have not recovered $20 million of Shaw's and believe it to be hidden somewhere in his apartment.  Kovacs pulls together a team of former and current employees and residents to help him break into the penthouse and discover Shaw's hidden millions in an effort to recompense all the swindled employees.

It's not the worst heist movie I've ever seen but it's certainly not the best.  It mostly wastes an A-list cast on a mediocre story and relies overmuch on Stiller being charming.  You deserve better.

Sea Prince and the Fire Child (1981)

  I don't remember why I added this to my Netflix queue back in 2012.  I think I read about it in an article about anime, or something nostalgic.  Who knows?  Netflix never had it available in the subsequent five years so I finally looked it up online and it was on YouTube.  It's obviously a straight VHS rip so the quality is terrible.

Prince Sirius (Toru Furuya) is the heir to the kingdom of the sea.  He is told by the king that he must never go to the Forbidden Zone, which he immediately does.  There he finds Princess Malta (Mami Koyama), a fire child and keeper of the sacred flame.  They instantly fall in love once they get past the prejudice that was instilled in them since birth.  Sirius consults the wisest creature in the ocean as to why the fire children are forbidden to mix with the sea children and is told that the Queen of Fire and her brother, the King of the Sea, used to be really close but the evil Lord of Air drove a wedge between them.  Since then, the two nations have been forbidden to interact.  Sirius doesn't care and is intent on making Malta his cousin-wife.  They learn that only during a full solar eclipse, a particular flower on a particular hill blooms and the blossoms will take the lovers to a star where fire and water can live happily together.

Yeah, so if you liked Romeo & Juliet but wished there had been more incest, this is the movie for you.  It's not good in any sense of the word.  The story is trite, the animation is basic, and the dubbing is awful.  But, like I said, it's on YouTube in its entirety if you're curious.

Nocturnal Animals (2016)

  This movie was a trash fire from start to finish.  Do yourself a favor and don't watch it.

Susan (Amy Adams) lives a beautiful, empty life in Los Angeles but feels unfulfilled.  Then she gets a novel in the mail from and written by her ex-husband (Jake Gyllenhaal).  She starts reading and finds herself drawn in to the story of a man (Jake Gyllenhaal) whose beautiful redhead wife (Isla Fisher) and daughter (Ellie Bamber) are brutally murdered by a gang of scofflaws and his attempts to find justice with a grizzled detective (Michael Shannon).

This was written and directed by Tom Ford, who is best known as a fashion designer.  This film is beautiful and as empty as a suit on a hanger.  It's not art.  It doesn't have anything in particular to say. In fact, I would go so far as to call it deliberately mean-spirited, especially with regard to its female characters.  They are objects in this film.  Sometimes objects of beauty, but always objects.

What makes me even madder is that this is really well-constructed as a film.  There are no wasted shots.  Everything is gorgeously framed.  It is paced well and maintains tension throughout.  The performances are excellent.  That all that effort and skill went into making something so misogynistic and hateful just makes me livid.

It was nominated for Best Supporting Actor for Michael Shannon but that really was a wasted nomination.  Shannon is good in everything but this was not his best work, probably not even his best work in 2016.

Angels and Demons (2009)

  This was the best poster I could find in my usual cursory search of the internet.  I'm not in love with it.  It kind of looks like Tom Hanks has terrible dandruff.

Professor Robert Langdon (Tom Hanks) is called to the Vatican after four cardinals are kidnapped on the eve of Conclave, when a new Pope is chosen.  A note purportedly from the Illuminati claims responsibility and threatens that the entirety of Vatican City will be destroyed at midnight.  A beautiful researcher from CERN (Ayelet Zurer) confirms that a vial of antimatter has been stolen and is most likely being used as a bomb.  Langdon must solve the clues of the Illuminati's ancient path to enlightenment before all four cardinals are killed in order to try and find the bomb.

This is based on a Dan Brown novel, actually a prequel to The Da Vinci Code but less well known until after the success of that book.  I don't know why anyone would make it into a movie, much less make three of them, but this is the world that we live in.

I suppose it's not a terrible film if you like paint-by-numbers thrillers lacking in thrills.  I think there are better ways to spend your time.  I won't be holding onto it.

Kingsman: The Golden Circle (2017)

  As you may have guessed, getting out to see new movies has been pretty difficult but I did manage it at least once this last month.

Eggsy (Taran Egerton) is back as Agent Galahad, full-fledged operative for the Kingsmen.  His life is going pretty well, all things considered, until an unexpected attack on Kingsman headquarters and all known residences of operatives destroys the organization.  Eggsy and Merlin (Mark Strong) are the only two apparent survivors, so they have to enact the Doomsday Protocol, which turns out to be a bottle of whiskey from Statesman distillery.  They investigate and discover a sister intelligence organization in Kentucky.  Meanwhile, the head of an enormous drug cartel, Poppy (Julianne Moore), announces that all drug users have been infected with a virus that will kill them if she doesn't receive immunity and immediate legalization from the President of the United States (Bruce Greenwood).  With the help of Agents Whiskey (Pedro Pascal) and Ginger (Halle Berry), Galahad and Merlin must track down the antidote to Poppy's virus before a significant chunk of the population succumbs to death.

The Golden Circle is not as bad as people have been saying.  It had an almost impossible job of living up to its predecessor so it did what it could.  It succeeds mostly in how it expands the world and in the character development of Eggsy.  Everything else is just icing.  I think it's also helpful that its coming a few years after the first one.  I would suggest the third part (because you know there'll be a third) follow that trend so that the jokes and the violence don't become grating and expected.  You have to give the audience a chance to miss you before you come back with part three.

The Dark Knight Rises (2012)

Tyler and I finally finished up the Nolan Batman trilogy.  He liked it but also felt like it was rough going.

Okay, so those two sentences were all I managed last weekend.  The good news is that I just got laid off so now I should have more free time in between crying jags and frantically searching for new jobs on CareerBuilder.com.  Look on the bright side, right?

Originally posted 24 Jul 2102.  7/2/13 So I rewatched this one now that Rob bought it on blu-ray.  I still think it was good, it just can't compare to its predecessor.    Again, I was in Alabama all weekend showing off Rob to my family, praying they wouldn't kill and eat him, and that's why there were no posts til now.  I'd like to say that I was doing it out of respect for the victims of the Colorado midnight premiere massacre (and I certainly will not be making light out of their tragedy) but it's because I was busy running around with family members.

Ironically enough, Christy, Rob and I did not go to the midnight showing in my small town because the last time Christy had gone to one a bomb threat was called in and she and her brother had to evacuate the theater.  So we had to wait until the next day.  And, yes, we went anyway because I will be damned if I let some asshole with Ronald McDonald hair keep me from seeing the finale to one of the best, if not the best, superhero series of all time. 

And don't get me started on that hair.  I am by no means a legal expert but I will guarangoddamntee you that fucker dyed his hair and told police he was "the Joker" as a pre-emptive plea for insanity in case he didn't get shot.  As if a real obsessed fan wouldn't know that the Joker's hair is GREEN, not red.  This is my argument for when those talking heads on TV bring up the inevitable "Are Violent Movies to Blame for the Ruining of Our Nation?!" claptrap.  There will always be nutcakes who use the excuse of outside stiumli being to blame for their fucked up actions.  It's not true.  It never has been.  I personally have known people who simply wanted to know what it felt like to kill another human being and acted on the impulse instead of ranting in a chatroom like a normal person.  They're in jail now.  (The victim made a full recovery, FYI.)  Are they still despicable?  Yes, but at least they didn't try and blame music or movies or video games for why they were the way they were.

I'm done now.  I didn't even really know I was going to spew all that out but it just makes me so mad.  This is why we can't have nice things!

The movie itself was about a hair's-breadth from Completely Depressing but was saved by one of the most kickass endings in cinema.  Despite being put through the ringer for nearly two and a half hours, we walked out of that theater starry-eyed and filled with hope.  I will endeavor to not have any spoilers.

It has been eight years since the events in The Dark Knight and Bruce Wayne (Christian Bale) has become a virtual shut-in.  During a memorial service celebrating the succes of the Dent Act, a saucy cat burgler (Anne Hathaway) breaks into his manor and lifts his fingerprints from a safe.  Meanwhile, a young policeman named John Blake (Joseph Gordon-Levitt) finds evidence of a terrorist army gathering under Gotham's streets in the sewer system, led by masked mercenary Bane (Tom Hardy).  In the absence of Batman's involvement, Bane manages to capture the entire city and hold it hostage.

Once again, this is not the uplifting part.  It gets really depressing.  Alfred (Michael Caine) in particular is a real Debbie Downer the whole movie.  But stick with it because, I promise you, the ending will make you a Nolan believer all over again.

VHS 2 (2013)

  I finally got around to watching the sequel and it's about on par with the original VHS in that it's very much a grab bag.

A pair of private investigators (Lawrence Michael Levine and Kelsy Abbott) are looking for a missing college student (L.C. Holt).  In his house, they find a bunch of VHS tapes and decide to watch them for clues as to what happened to the kid.  They see a guy (Adam Wingard) undergoing one of the worst clinical trial runs for a cybernetic eye implant ("Phase 1 Clinical Trials"), a guy (Jay Saunders) having a terrible bike riding experience ("A Ride in the Park"), a documentary team uncovering the truth behind a Thai cult ("Safe Haven"), and the worst slumber party ever ("Slumber Party Alien Abduction").

In the first installment, the frame story was horrible and the short films were worth watching.  In this, the frame is handled pretty decently (if predictably) and the mini-movies left me a little cold.  "Phase 1 Clinical Trials" had some great imagery but the central conceit has been done to death, I think.  "A Ride in the Park" was probably the best out of the four and it was still pretty anemic.  It did have a zombie with a GoPro, though, so that's worth something.  "Safe Haven" had some lousy CGI and was a little overwrought for my tastes.  Like, real cults are horrifying enough on their own.  Do you really even need to add in a supernatural element?  And "Slumber Party Alien Abduction" was just really annoying.  They used that BWAAAAAMMM sound effect every time they showed the aliens for a cheap jump scare that didn't even work and rapidly became obnoxious.  Plus, they killed a dog for no narrative purpose.  That's just lazy screenwriting.

There's a third installment to this series but I'm seriously debating whether or not I want to put myself through that.

Christy suggested that I do 31 days of horror for October where I watch a different horror movie that I've never seen before every day for the whole month.  Obviously, this year it's probably not going to happen because of school but next year I will have graduated and there's nothing to stop me.  I know a lot of different sites do something similar so if you readers are tired of that sort of thing, let me know in the comments.  Otherwise, I will assume that silence equals your unreserved enthusiasm and proceed accordingly.

Don Jon (2013)

  This is the Christy selection for March.  They got a little out of order around the time the Oscar nominations came out and I haven't had a chance to really catch up until recently.  I've now added her picks from June through September to my queue so I should be getting to those relatively soon and in order.

Jon (Joseph Gordon-Levitt) is a young Brooklynite who is really only concerned with how he looks.  All other joys serve as a reflection of this most important thing.  He goes out with his buddies (Rob Brown and Jeremy Luke) to the club and picks up girl after girl to take home, but confesses that he gets more enjoyment out of looking at online porn.  Then he meets Barbara (Scarlett Johansson), a solid 10 who knows exactly how to string him along.  Because of her, he starts going to night school and quits watching porn.  For a while.  At school, he meets Esther (Julianne Moore), an older lady who pushes him to question why he's so unsatisfied with his sexual encounters.  This introspection prompts the disruption of his comfortable facade.

As a directorial debut, this is not as bad as it could have been.  It's competently done with respect to all the filmmaking aspects.  The casting is excellent, especially the supporting roles and the cameos.  Gordon-Levitt has a lot of famous friends and is not shy about bringing them in.  If this were just a lighthearted comedy, it would be enough.  The Achilles heel of this film is its unwillingness to truly dive in to the issues it raises.  Instead, it skirts them, bringing up the oversexualization of advertising and the increased objectification of women in pornography but not saying anything about them.  It tries to defend Jon's internet addiction by saying that porn as a fantasy is no different than the romantic comedy tropes Barbara adores and while that is true, it rings hollow because it's just thrown away in the film.  It could have dived into the toxic masculinity perpetuated in the relationship between Jon and his father (an excellent against-type Tony Danza) but is content just to leave them as stereotypes.

All in all, it's not a bad movie.  I just found it disappointing because I really like Joseph Gordon-Levitt.  He's never really been afraid to take risks in his acting and this felt very much like he was playing it safe.

Anastasia (1997)

  Okay, I still have a lot of love for this movie especially the soundtrack but it has not held up as well as I would have liked.  It's killing me to admit that but it's true.

In 1917, the evil monk Rasputin (Christopher Lloyd) curses the Romanov family with death.  Only the Dowager Empress (Angela Lansbury) and 10-year-old Princess Anastasia (Kirsten Dunst) escape the revolution but are separated at the train station.  Anastasia is lost.  Ten years later, with the promise of a huge reward from the grieving grandmother in Paris, con men Dimitri (John Cusack) and Vlad (Kelsey Grammar) have come up with a foolproof plan to hire a girl, teach her the right things to say, and fool the empress.  Finding the right girl for the part proves daunting until Anya (Meg Ryan), an orphan with no memories of her childhood, falls into their laps.  Of course, she's the actual Romanov heir, which causes Rasputin's curse to reactivate, returning him to the land of the living in order to complete his vengeance.

Most of this movie is wonderful.  The music, the voice cast, the animation...all great.  Here are the problems:

1)  The voice cast does not match up with the singing cast.  I get it.  Bluth wanted star power.  They had to compete with Disney's yearly masterpiece any way they could.  I just wish there wasn't such a huge discrepancy between the main actors' voices and the singers.  It's even more glaring because you have Angela Lansbury, Bernadette Peters, and Kelsey Grammar doing all their own singing.  Was it really so impossible to find leading actors with Broadway training?  You have Lacey Chabert, another young up-and-coming actress, doing the singing voice of Young Anastasia.  Did you honestly need to also have Kirsten Dunst to speak the four lines of dialogue for that character?

2)  The bits of CGI.  There are a couple of objects that were done in CGI instead of hand-drawn animation and boy, can you tell.  The music box that ends up being a plot point is so jarringly rendered that it practically leaps out at you which sucks because the rest of the film is so beautifully done.  It was just the limitations of the technology at the time but it dooms the film from being truly timeless.

3)  "Based on a true story."  Now that's just criminally misleading.  The film obviously couldn't have known at the time it was made but Anastasia Romanov's body was found and ID'd with DNA in 2007 in a mass grave along with the rest of her family.  The story of the film is very loosely based on a woman named Anna Anderson, a German mental patient who claimed to be the Grand Duchess Anastasia in the late 1920s and capitalized on the notoriety, even though most of the real Anastasia's relatives denounced her as a fraud.  Saying this movie is "based on a true story" is like saying that JFK was killed by aliens because he was too close to discovering their secret base on the moon.  It might get the names right but that's about as close to truth as it gets.

And yet, like I said at the top, I love this movie.  I hadn't seen it in several years and I was disappointed, sure, but not enough to make me disown it.  You have to accept it warts and all but I promise it's worth it.