The Huntsman: Winter's War (2016)

  I bought this movie to prove a very specific point: that Kristen Stewart is the reason the previous film tanked.  Without her, this should have been a great fantasy film.

And I was right.

The Huntsman (Chris Hemsworth) is happily living in obscurity in Snow White's kingdom when he is tracked down by William (Sam Clafin) and ordered to locate Ravenna's (Charlize Theron) magic mirror.  Snow White had decreed that the mirror be taken to the heart of Sanctuary where its evil could be contained but the guards she sent with it never came back.  The Huntsman knows the Ravenna's equally power-hungry sister, Freya the Ice Queen (Emily Blunt), will also be after the mirror so he and some dwarves hustle after it.  They are joined by the Huntsman's wife, Sara (Jessica Chastain), who is pissed at him for believing she's been dead all this time when she was really a prisoner of the Ice Queen.

This is not a perfect movie and probably not even a classic in the making but it is a damn fine summer film and not an embarrassment to the genre.  This finally feels like they got the right mix of action, humor, and fairy tale that they struggled with before.  If they do a threequel, I hope they dive into some of the Rose Red stories.  Those don't get enough play to be overly familiar with audiences so they could do a lot to make them fit the world they've already built.

Snow White and the Huntsman (2012)

I was concerned that my dislike of Kristen Stewart might have unduly prejudiced me against this film so I decided to give it another shot.  Turns out she really is the worst thing about it.  Everything else in the movie I could learn to like or at least live with, but not her.  She's not pretty or charismatic enough to play this role.  I keep thinking what if Lily Collins had gotten this Snow White instead of Mirror Mirror?  I don't know if that would have saved it but I think it would have given it a better chance.    Originally posted 04 Jun 12.  

Nominated for:  Best Visual Effects, Best Costume

I don't know why I thought this movie would be worth seeing.  You'd think I would know better by now that Kristen Stewart is to acting what an untreated venereal infection is to a public pool.  (Yes, I know most venereal diseases can't be spread like that, I just wanted to link 'Kristen Stewart' and 'untreated venereal infection' in a sentence to boost the Google search results.)

It is a terrible movie that could have been way better.  I'm going to go ahead and say ***SPOILER ALERT*** because I plan on getting really specific.

I know it seems obvious, but Kristen Stewart should never have been cast to play Snow White.  First, because she can't make facial expressions but mostly, because she just isn't pretty enough.  No one in that theater looked at her, then at Charlize Theron and thought "Yeah, I can totally see Kristen outshining her in a few years."  No fucking way.  Pretty much everyone in the movie is supposed to instantly fall in love with Snow White and Kristen 'Frozen Face' Stewart just does not command that kind of adoration. 

It helps that they made Theron's Queen Ravenna into the screechiest harpy possible.  In the trailers, she comes across as dark and quietly menacing, which would have been cool.  Instead, she shrieks at everyone on screen with her and chews more scenery than a flock of sheep.  Then there's the needlessly creepy addition of her brother.  He was like an albino version of Crispin Glover's Alice in Wonderland character.

I was seriously hoping the Evil Queen would turn out to be badass and I could pretend the movie was really just a tragic tale of a beautiful and just ruler being cruelly overthrown by an upstart rival.  Rob told me he didn't feel they did enough to make her a sympathetic character.  As a woman, I disagree.  I know all too well what it is like to look in the mirror and fear the passage of time and its associated ravages.  As a borderline sociopathic woman, I also completely understand the inpulse to drain the life from fresh-faced youths in order to combat said ravages.  "But what about growing old gracefully?" you ask.  Get out of my fictional kingdom with your heresies! 

Ok, only one more point and then I promise I'll wrap this up.  It concerns the end of the film.  If you don't know how the story goes, shame on you, but here's a basic rundown.  Queen hates Snow White and sends the Huntsman after her.  Huntsman changes sides and aids the princess with the help of seven vertically challenged miners.  Queen disguises herself and poisons Snow White with an apple.  The kiss of her true love awakens her and she leads an armed insurrection, eventually killing the queen in a catfight.  Ok, so in this version, there's the Huntsman (Chris Hemsworth) and then there's her childhood boyfriend, William (Sam Claflin), the son of a duke.  Guess which one's kiss wakes her from her coma.  If you said Thor, congratulations, you understand how top billing works.  Now, guess which one the movie implies she ends up with.  If you said Permanent Friend Zone Guy, congratulations, you also know how social hierarchies work. 

Yep, that's right.  Her true love is a lowly widower who kills things in a forest but she will clearly marry the socially acceptable choice, thus resigning herself to a loveless existence that slowly turns into a deep and bitter resentment over time.  Suck on that, Happily Ever After!

Assassin in Love/The Baker (2007)

  Apparently, this is called The Baker in its native country, the UK.  I'm not entirely sure why it was changed but there you go.

Milo (Damian Lewis) is a hitman who wants out of the game.  After a job goes wrong, he is given a chance to lie low in a small Welsh village, masquerading as the new baker.  He finds that he enjoys his cover identity more than his actual life and tries to make a real go of it but the villagers discover what he really is and start trying to hire him to solve all their interpersonal disputes.  Plus, a rival hitman (Nikolaj Coster-Waldau) is doing his level best to track Milo down.

This is a very cute comedy.  I love Damian Lewis in pretty much everything and he is adorable here.  I wish this film had a little more substance to it but that might just be because I'm judging it by the standards of Wild Target.  It doesn't quite measure up but it is nonetheless worth a watch.

Lady and the Tramp 2: Scamp's Adventure (2001)

  Back in the day, if something went direct-to-video you knew it was crap.  With today's digital releases it's harder to tell what's crap and what's just indie.  This was a Disney sequel and direct-to-video.  It might as well just have had the poop emoji as a cover image.  If they had had that in 2001.

Scamp (Scott Wolf) wants to give up his boring life as a house dog, filled with baths and rules, and join a junkyard gang so he runs away from home.  At first, it's all fun and games until the junkyard leader, Buster (Chazz Palminteri), finds out that Scamp is the son of Tramp (Jeff Bennett), who used to be his best friend until he got respectable.  Buster decides to get his revenge on the father through the son by having Scamp get caught by the Dogcatcher (Jeff Bennett, doing a damn fine Don Knotts impersonation).

As a movie, it's not great.  It's insipid and uninspired.  It does have Roger Bart, Susan Egan, Jodi Benson, and Jess Harnell for singing voices, who are like Disney royalty, and Mickey Rooney, Cathy Moriarty, Bronson Pinchot, and Alyssa Milano for additional voices.  Too bad none of that can save it from the "Donate" pile.

The Slammin' Salmon (2009)

  I'm assuming the person who wrote that blurb on the front was paid to do it because this is a terrible movie devoid of anything resembling wit, originality, or humor.

Rich (Kevin Heffernan) is fairly laid back as a manager of the seafood restaurant The Slammin' Salmon, named after the soubriquet of its owner, heavyweight champion Cleon Salmon (Michael Clarke Duncan), but when Salmon needs $20,000 to cover a lost bet to a Yakuza boss, Rich knows the staff will need slightly more than just encouragement.  He offers a variety of inducements to get the waiters, waitresses, and busboys to perform at their top levels.

Did you see Waiting with Ryan Reynolds?  Imagine that but without the comedy.  That's The Slammin' Salmon.  Avoid like week-old shellfish.

Good Hair (2009)

  I don't remember why I added this to my queue.  I think it got nominated for a Golden Globe, maybe.  Doesn't matter.

One of Chris Rock's little girls asked him why she didn't have "good hair" so he decided to explore exactly what that meant and discovered along the way some deeply disturbing things.  Like how 90% of the products intended for an African American consumer base are owned by either Asian or white companies.  Or how the human hair for weaves is gathered from religious ceremonies in India, depriving desperately poor women of a chance at additional income.  Most of them have no idea that the hair they donated in penance or reverence is being collected and sold to expensive salons in Beverly Hills.  Worse still is the message being told to black girls at increasingly young ages:  you're not good enough as you are.  Better sew someone else's hair onto yours.  No one's going to want you if you don't conform to Western or European standards of beauty, no matter if the chemicals involved to turn your curly hair straight will also eat through your skin.

As someone with naturally stick straight hair, I cannot tell you of the amount of envy I had for people with curly hair.  We all want something different than what we have, I think.  And that's okay.  There are hundreds of products out there from shampoos to perms (which will also cause chemical burns) to make you look exactly the way you want to look.  If you want.  I don't think anyone should be pressured to look a certain way.  Your hair is good hair.  Red, brown, blonde, curly, straight, spiked, slicked, teased, or dyed.  Whatever hair you have is good hair.

As a documentary, I thought this meandered a bit more than I would have liked, especially the footage of the annual Bronner Brothers hair show in Atlanta.  There was a lot of comedy to be mined from it but it detracted from the more pertinent issues.

Labyrinth (1986)

  I love this movie.  I don't even know how many times I've seen it.  This and The Dark Crystal were staples of my childhood.

Sarah (Jennifer Connelly) is a teenaged girl longing for magic in a world full of annoying baby brothers, parents who don't understand, and being forced to grow up.  When she spitefully wishes the Goblin King (David Bowie) would take her brother to the land of the goblins, she doesn't really believe it will work.  Then her brother disappears.  Now she must travel through a strange land filled with rules she doesn't understand in order to rescue him.

The central themes of this movie are timeless, no matter how dated the costumes or puppets may become.  Becoming an adult is like moving through a labyrinth where the rules can seem vague and arbitrary, you don't know who is really on your side, and there's a time limit for completion.

You don't really need to critique the themes or symbolism of this film.  It's David Bowie and Jim Henson's fairy muppets.  What more do you need?

It behooves us to ensure this is passed on to future generations.  I'm giving a copy to my godchildren as soon as I burn it to my server.  What are you doing?

Sixteen Candles (1984)

It's my birthday today!  Yay!    God, the 80's were a terrible time.  I was never a big John Hughes fan so this is the first time I've ever watched this film.  It is not good.  Why did anyone ever think it was?

Samantha (Molly Ringwald) has just turned sixteen and is expecting her family to go all out in recognition of such a milestone.  Except her sister (Blanche Baker) is getting married the next day and everyone is focused on that.  Worse, some little creep of a freshman (Anthony Michael Hall) keeps hitting on her and the senior she has a crush on (Micheal Schoeffling) doesn't know she's alive.

Boo fucking hoo.

Honestly, I wanted to punch that spoiled little brat in the boob.  Self-absorption is the sovereign province of teenagers.  I know this.  But it still puts my teeth on edge.

Also, the amount of horrible shit being said and accepted in this film is unreal.  Blatant racism.  Rape jokes.  Constant sexual harassment.  So don't let anybody tell you we haven't progressed as a society because this is what was considered acceptable for a teen comedy thirty years ago.

Outside the Law (2010)

  Unless you're really into the Algerian separatist movement or anti-colonialism, you can just skip right past this film.

Three brothers from Algeria find their lives changing because of the struggle for independence in the 1950s-1960s.  The revolutionary (Sami Bouajila) believes in freedom from France's rule at all costs.  The soldier (Roschdy Zem) did a tour in Indochina and has the muscle to back up his brother's idealism.  The hustler (Jamel Debbouze) is just trying to make some money.  All of them, in their own ways, are fighting the system.

This film is super long and super boring.  It's just dull, dark, and depressing the whole way with no sense of life or joy from any of the characters.  Like if you took Fiddler on the Roof and surgically removed all the fun, you would have Outside the Law.

Six-String Samurai (1998)

  This is the greatest cult movie of all time.  Fight me.

In the post-apocalyptic wasteland that is America, a rock and roll samurai (Jeffrey Falcon) is on his way to Lost Vegas to become the new king.  He finds a boy (Justin McGuire) and reluctantly becomes the kid's guardian.  Pursuing them is Death (Stephane Gauger), who is determined that no one will be crowned king before him.

This is super weird and awesome.  Like if Buddy Holly starred as Mad Max directed by Akira Kurosawa.  Oh, and the soundtrack is by The Red Elvises.  If none of that sounds amazing to you, I don't think we can be friends.

The Simpsons Movie (2007)

  I'm pretty sure I saw this in a theater but I can't remember.  I know I saw it at least once before.  It's held up, like the better episodes of the series, which is an institution now at 27 seasons and counting.

Homer (Dan Castellaneta) accidentally dooms the town of Springfield when he tips the balance of the lake into an ecological disaster with a silo of pig crap.  The head of the EPA, Russ Cargill (Al Brooks), puts the entire town under a giant glass dome.  The angry townspeople converge on the Simpson family, but they escape using a sinkhole under Maggie's sandbox.  Homer wants to just wipe his hands of the whole affair and start fresh in Alaska but Marge (Julie Kavner) insists on saving the town once they learn that Cargill plans to destroy it with a bomb.

Honestly, you know pretty much whether or not you're going to like this based on the subject.  Do you like The Simpsons TV show?  You will like the movie.  The only difference between this and an extended episode is animated dick and mild language.  The only awful thing is that you will have either the theme song or "Spider-Pig" stuck in your head for days/weeks afterwards.

Wild Target (2010)

  This came out of nowhere and was an absolute delight to watch.  I love hitman movies anyway but this was really something special.

Victor (Bill Nighy) is a top hitman, groomed since childhood to continue the family business, but his latest assignment is causing him some difficulty.  Rose (Emily Blunt) has ripped off a real estate mogul (Rupert Everett) and he wants her dead.  But Victor is too amused/appalled by her kleptomaniac charm to pull the trigger.  He winds up protecting her from the second best assassin (Martin Freeman) and picking up an apprentice (Rupert Grint) for good measure.

I can't emphasize enough how adorable this film was.  While I'm not personally a fan of the May-December romance, Blunt and Nighy are great together and it was nice to see Grint outside of his Griffyndor robes.  You almost see too much of him as he spends several scenes in bathtubs but fortunately his wizarding wand is kept well away.

Last week I managed to get 13 posts in but this past weekend was much lighter.  I'm trying to stay current on the Rio Olympics and also trying to stay one step ahead of the space limit on my DVR since I apparently decided to record every event.  It leaves me less time to watch movies but these games only come around every four years.

Kung Fu Panda 3 (2016)

  I was hoping this would be good and it was.  I missed it in theaters so I bought it when it came out on blu-ray.  Sure, the story could have been a little tighter but for a third installment, this was great.

Po (Jack Black) is the Dragon Warrior and as such should be responsible for training the Furious Five.  The first session does not go well and Po heads down to see his adoptive father (James Hong) for encouragement.  He finds that a newcomer has broken his record for most dumplings eaten.  Li (Bryan Cranston) is a panda who has come searching for his missing son.  Po takes Li back to the Jade Temple to show him all of the friends he has made and learns that a warrior named Kai (JK Simmons) has escaped from the Shadow Realm after having stolen the chi of all the masters there.  Only the Dragon Warrior can stop him and only after having mastered the art of chi.  According to an ancient scroll, a secret village of pandas were the masters of chi.  Li offers to take Po back to the secret village so he can learn who he is.  Meanwhile, Kai continues to gain power.

Seriously, this was super cute.  It didn't really break any new ground for message or story but it was fun to watch and beautifully animated.

Side Effects (2013)

  If this is the kind of shit Steven Soderbergh is going to put out, maybe he should stay retired.

Psychiatrist Dr. Jonathan Banks (Jude Law) prescribes a depressed patient (Rooney Mara) a new drug, one of the side effects of which is sleepwalking.  The patient murders her husband (Channing Tatum) while sleepwalking and is remanded to an institution instead of jail.  Dr. Banks finds his life coming apart at the seams as he is labeled as the guy who gave the pills to a killer.  Determined to prove he was justified, he looks deeper into the background of the patient and uncovers a trail leading to her previous therapist (Catherine Zeta-Jones).

This was supposed to be a thriller, I'm sure.  It is in no way thrilling.  It meanders into boring several times.  I think it was also supposed to be a condemnation of the pharmaceutical industry, pumping out drugs, paying doctors for trials and endorsements, and playing down potentially dangerous side effects.  It doesn't do a great job there, either.  Mostly what it does is show how utterly disturbing it is when people in positions of public trust, like doctors, abuse their power.  It is almost impossible to fight after being declared crazy.  Most people who are non compos mentis are so crazy it's obvious to a layman but wrongfully diagnosed people are just screwed.  Making a movie that glorifies a doctor putting the screws to a patient for trying to fuck him over is not entertaining to me.

Kramer vs Kramer (1979)

  This is from my Columbia Best Picture Collection.

Ad executive Ted Kramer (Dustin Hoffman) is a workaholic who has just been promoted to head a huge account when his wife, Joanna (Meryl Streep), announces that she's leaving him and their seven-year-old son, Billy (Justin Henry), in order to "find herself".  Ted is understandably angry but he knows that Billy still needs to eat and get ready for school everyday so he buckles down to try and do right by the kid.  Things are starting to even out after about a year until Joanna comes back and petitions for custody.

This was like watching an actual divorce.  There are no hugely villainous moments, no clear-cut bad guys, just two people who have grown apart who are both convinced they are the right person to care for their son.  I don't know why you'd need to watch it but I applaud you if you do.

Shrek Forever After (2010)

  Apparently "The Final Chapter" was one of the alternate names.  But I just heard that there's a fifth one in the works so I imagine DreamWorks will start scrubbing that off any re-releases.  I don't know why they're making a fifth one.  I thought Mike Meyers was enjoying his retirement making documentaries.

Shrek (Mike Meyers) is happily married to Fiona (Cameron Diaz) and raising triplets.  The comfortable sag of fatherhood and middle age is starting to get to him, however, so when a sympathetic Rumpelstiltskin (Walt Dohrn) offers him a deal to give up one day of his past in exchange for one day with everyone fearing his ogre might again, he takes it.  Like with all deals in fairy tales, there's a catch:  the day Rumpel takes is the day Shrek was born, casting him into a future where he never saves Fiona from the tower, never meets Donkey (Eddie Murphy) or Puss (Antonio Banderas), and never restores Far Far Away to its rightful heir.  Instead, Rumpel is ruling the country with an army of witches, and Fiona is the leader of the ogre resistance.  Unless Shrek can win her over once more and get True Love's Kiss before sunrise, he will disappear and this reality will be permanent.

If this had been made instead of Shrek the Third, I think it would have done better.  That movie really kind of fucks up the whole franchise.  Not that Forever After is great on its own.  It's pretty middling. There's also a huge drop in continuity since they introduced the character of Rumpelstiltskin in the third movie and he looked completely different.  The villain here is more like if Lord Farquaad fucked a Troll doll.

Money is a hugely powerful motivator but DreamWorks is going to have to expend a Herculean effort to pull this franchise out of its nosedive if they expect any kind of return.

I Love You Again (1940)

  William Powell and Myrna Loy may be my absolute favorite pairing of actors.  Everything they did absolutely sparkles.

Larry Wilson (William Powell) is a pillar of the community in his small town of Haversfield, Pennsylvania.  He is a chair of the Rotary Club, Elks Lodge, Community Chest, and many others as well as General Manager of a pottery company.  He is boring, parsimonious, and respectable to a fault.  Then Larry gets hit on the head and remembers that he is actually a con man named George Carey.  He decides to pull a job on the upright citizens of Haversfield by convincing them that there is a hitherto undiscovered oil deposit.  Meanwhile, Mrs. Wilson (Myrna Loy), is reconsidering her divorce proceedings now that Larry isn's such a stuffed-shirt.

Honestly, if you see the names William Powell or Myrna Loy anywhere in a film's credits, you know you'll be getting quality work.  These two had such amazing chemistry together on-screen.  Give them a shot and see if they don't charm you near to death.

Kiss Me Kate (1953)

  I love this musical.  I love all the songs, all the dances, all the stars.  It is my favorite Shakespeare adaptation.

Fred Graham (Howard Keel) has a problem.  He needs a star for his new Broadway show "Kiss Me Kate", a retelling of The Taming of the Shrew and he knows exactly who he wants for it:  beautiful soprano Lilli Varnessi (Kathryn Grayson).  Unfortunately, Lilli is his ex-wife who wants nothing to do with him.  Fred has also cast his current girlfriend, Lois (Ann Miller), as the sister, Bianca, unaware that Lois is also in love with Bill Calhoun (Tommy Rall), the show's Lucentio.  Bill is an inveterate gambler who just signs other people's names on IOUs when he runs out of cash.  So on opening night, the theater is home to a pair of gangsters, a pair of ex-lovers, a pair of extra lovers, a cattle baron, Bob Fosse, and a housebroken donkey.  What could go wrong?

Everything about this is wonderful.  The songs are all written by Cole Porter and each one is a gem.  I don't know why we stopped making films like this but I wish we would go back to it.

Shrek the Third (2007)

  This franchise went progressively downhill after the second movie.  It lost everything that made it edgy and therefore funny in the interest of appealing to a broader audience.

Now happily married, Shrek (Mike Meyers) and Fiona (Cameron Diaz) try their hand at ruling the kingdom of Far Far Away when Fiona's father (John Cleese) is ill.  Shrek makes a dog's dinner out of the whole affair and decides that he can't handle the pressure of being king.  On his deathbed, Fiona's father mentions that there is another heir named Arthur (Justin Timberlake) away at boarding school. Shrek, Donkey (Eddie Murphy), and Puss (Antonio Banderas) immediately set off to find him and convince him to take the crown.  While they are gone, Charming (Rupert Everett) leads all the storybook villains in a coup to find the happy ending he has been denied.

The theme of this film is the fear of impending fatherhood, to which I cannot personally relate.  I understand that it is a thing and there is a corresponding fear in women but as I hate children and gratefully opted out of the process, my sympathy is limited.  My sympathy for a cartoon ogre shepherding an annoying teen on a road trip is practically nonexistent.

You could do worse but you could also do much better than this.

Dylan Dog: Dead of Night (2010)

  This was barely a blip on the radar back in 2010 but I added it to my queue anyway.  I seem to be on a streak lately of liking movies no one else did.

Private Investigator Dylan Dog (Brandon Routh) used to specialize in helping the paranormal community of New Orleans until his wife was killed by vampires.  Now he sticks to mundane cases until a girl (Anita Briem) comes to him for help after her father was murdered by a large hairy beast.  Dylan is still inclined to say no, then his partner (Sam Huntington) gets killed by a giant zombie and now it's personal.

It was funny and different with a well-realized mythology, everything the shitty Constantine movie should have been.  I'm sad this didn't get picked up for a series but I definitely want to check out the graphic novels it's sourced from now.

King Kong (2005)

  There were a lot of people who didn't like this film and I don't understand why.  It was huge and epic and had amazing special effects.  What's not to love?

Vaudeville actress Ann Darrow (Naomi Watts) is suffering through the Depression when she gets an offer to star in an exotic film being shot in Singapore.  It co-stars leading man Bruce Baxter (Kyle Chandler) and has a script by her favorite playwright, Jack Driscoll (Adrien Brody).  Unfortunately, the director, Carl Denham (Jack Black) is a lying opportunist and the boat isn't headed for Singapore but for the mysterious Skull Island.  Denham needs something big to satisfy his creditors back home and the entire crew gets much more than they bargained for when they find the island is inhabited by giant creatures.

I have seen the original 1933 King Kong and it was amazing for its time.  This is a totally worthy remake.  Peter Jackson is firmly at home with sweeping epics and imbues a sense of grandeur and bittersweetness into every frame.  This is one of my all-time favorite movies.

Suicide Squad (2016)

  I actually saw this on Thursday but I had a serious backlog of posts to get through. 

DC Comics movies have taken a serious ass-whipping in the critical and commercial arenas.  Batman vs Superman underperformed and Suicide Squad got murdered on Rotten Tomatoes.  I'm not here to say that it was unjustified.  I am saying that you need to look past all the hype and see it for what it is:  a summer comic book movie.

Amanda Waller (Viola Davis) has a daring plan to keep the world safe from dangerous metahumans:  take the worst of the worst, shoot them with a nano-bomb in the neck to keep them in line, and send them out under a reluctant commander, Rick Flagg (Joel Kinnaman), to do battle.  When a 6000-year-old sorceress (Cara Delavigne) slips her leash and starts building a mystical super-weapon in the heart of Midway City, the Suicide Squad is mobilized.  Deadshot (Will Smith) becomes the unofficial leader as the most trustworthy villain, while Harley Quinn (Margot Robbie) has her own plans for breaking free.  These very disparate individuals must come together as a team in order to get out of this mess alive.

I have summarized the critical reviews into the following categories:

1) The movie was dark/depressing/boring/not funny enough.

2) I didn't know who the characters were and the movie didn't do a good enough job of explaining them to me/I didn't see enough of the characters I wanted to see.

3) I couldn't identify with any of the characters/didn't know who to root for.

DC movies have veered into the bleak and noir end of the spectrum.  They're trying to distinguish themselves from Marvel but it makes their movies damn near unwatchable.  Suicide Squad went through a lot of rewrites to get some jokes in after initial reviews were not promising.  However, there's only so much you can do with rewrites.  Personally, I felt the movie leaned more in the direction of melancholy than outright depressing.

I cannot help you if you don't know who the characters are.  That is your fault for not having a good childhood.  The Joker, Harley, Deadshot, and Killer Croc should not need real introductions if you've ever seen any of the 4000 variants of Batman's animated shows.  Everyone else does get a decent enough intro, given that it is an ensemble film and there are time restraints.

They are villains.  They are not good guys.  Especially in the new 52, which is where these iterations of characters are based.  Diablo's apparent rehabilitation is the exception, not the norm.  Think of it like watching a nature documentary.  Do you enjoy seeing the lions?  Hell yes.  Do you for one second forget that they are predators?  No.  Don't forget it here either.

For me, this movie actually did the impossible -- made me sort of want to watch DC movies again.  If they can somehow manage to strike a balance of humor and darkness, they could really get this franchise off the ground.  Wonder Woman is looking like a real step in the right direction, based on the trailer from ComiCon.  But only time will tell.

Kim Possible: A Sitch in Time (2003)

  I missed the boat on Kim Possible.  I was too old when the cartoon came out to still be watching the Disney Channel and not old enough to ironically watch the Disney Channel.  It's a shame.  I feel like this would have been right up my alley.

Kim (Christy Carlson Romano) is bummed to find her best friend Ron Stoppable (Will Friedle) is moving to Norway but she has bigger problems on her hands.  A coalition of villains have stolen a magical monkey idol that allows the user to go back in time.  A naked mole rat from the future named Rufus 3000 (Michael Dorn) tells Kim that she must stop The Supreme One (Nichole Sullivan) at any cost.

As a movie, it's not the best I've ever seen.  It relies a lot on the viewers having seen the television show to be familiar with all the characters.  Still, the characters are fun and the humor is on point.  It's definitely not going to make you feel dumber for having seen it.  And it made me interested in watching the TV series.

She's Out of My League (2010)

  I disagree with the tagline here because I didn't think The Hangover was particularly funny.  She's Out of My League, however, turned out to be much better than the pile of steaming shit I was sure it was going to be, approaching good even.

TSA flunky Kirk (Jay Baruchel) is stunned when a beautiful girl (Alice Eve) shows interest in him, as are all his friends and family.  Convinced he does not deserve her, Kirk grows more and more anxious as the relationship progresses, waiting for the other shoe to drop.  This has the effect of sabotaging every interaction he has with her, creating a self-fulfilling prophecy of doom.

As stupid and unnecessarily vulgar as this movie is, it's the first time I've ever seen this issue addressed.  I think all of us know of at least one friend who is so much more than they give themselves credit for being and if you don't, it's you.  I'm going to quote from another movie (faux pas, I know) and say that "we accept the love we think we deserve" and for most of us, that's a huge disservice.

If some hottie strikes up a conversation with you, don't immediately assume you are being punk'd, or that he/she has had a recent head injury.  Go with it!  If it happens more than once, maybe reevaluate your self-opinion.  And if your friends and family ever say something like so-and-so could do better than you, dump their toxic asses.  You don't need that in your life.

Kiki's Delivery Service (1989)

  I went through a Miyazaki phase after I saw Spirited Away and bought pretty much every Studio Ghibli release I could find.  Some do not stand up as well after a few watches.

Young witch Kiki (Minami Takayama) is journeying out on her own to find a city to help.  She really wants to find her place in the world and struggles initially to get accepted by the people, before founding a successful delivery service.  A setback and an unexpected illness cause her confidence in her abilities to drop dangerously low but when disaster strikes, Kiki is the only one in a position to save lives.

It's a cute film and comes with an alternate English voice cast featuring Kirsten Dunst, Phil Hartman, and Janeane Garofalo.  Excellent if you have small children, middling for everyone else.  Studio Ghibli has a great eye for adorable sidekicks and iconic imagery but the plot is a little thin where it's not rambling and the character interactions don't feel natural at all.

Shaun of the Dead (2004)

  I haven't actually sat down and watched this in forever. 

Shaun (Simon Pegg) is a lovable underachiever sliding comfortably into a slacker routine facilitated by his best friend, Ed (Nick Frost), until his girlfriend, Liz (Kate Ashfield), dumps him and a zombie apocalypse happens.  Now faced with hordes of hungry undead, Shaun must pull everything together and save his friends and family.

I don't know if I have the words to describe the genius that is Shaun of the Dead.  This movie single-handedly revived both the zombie and the horror comedy genres, catapulted Simon Pegg and Edgar Wright into the A-list, and gave the world so many quotable moments.

If you have not seen this, welcome back from your deep space exploration program.  Things on Earth have changed since you've been away and you'll no doubt want to take some time to catch up.  Put this on your list.  Near the top.  Thank me later.

Assassins (1995)

  I can't remember where I read it but somewhere in my Internet browsing, I came across a list of the ten worst movies ever.  Obviously, any such thing would be subjective but most movies fall on a spectrum of Bad -- Good based on popularity.  I only had enough space in my queue at the time for two movies so I chose the worst ones.  I think I meant to go back when I had more space for the others but I never did.  The number one worst movie was Showgirls, which I think we can all agree with, and number two was Assassins.  I vaguely remember when this came out.  I was in junior high and had not embraced the truly violent in life so I didn't see it then.

Robert Rath (Sylvester Stallone) is the best killer for hire in the world but is haunted by a decision he made to get that title.  He wants to retire but decides to take One Last Job.  The mark is an information broker named Electra (Julianne Moore) who is trying to sell a disc of files to some Dutch buyers.  Rath is prepared to do the job but gets interrupted by a hotshot up-and-comer named Bain (Antonio Banderas) and ends up rescuing Electra to keep her away from Bain.  The more time he spends with her, the less he wants to kill her for money.  They decide to come up with a plan to sell the disc and walk away with their lives.

It actually wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be, especially considering it was mentioned in the same breath as Showgirls.  It was directed by Richard Donner, who can handle an action film just fine, and written by the Wachowskis.  Sure, Banderas is totally over-the-top and Stallone is milking the whole "wounded antihero" schtick but it doesn't take you out of the picture.  The only real sour note is Moore, who is fucking annoying and never really gets better.

Karate Kid II (1986)

  This film really only should have focused on Miyagi.  Daniel is an annoying brat and should have been roundhouse kicked into the next century.

Six months after the All-Valley Tournament, Daniel (Ralph Macchio) is dismayed to find that his mother has taken a job that requires the whole family to move, thus explaining why they are not in this film.  Mister Miyagi (Pat Morita) has a plan, however, and offers Daniel a place in his house.  But then Miyagi gets distressing news that his father (Charlie Tanimoto) is dying.  He must return to Okinawa to perform his filial duty but that involves reopening an old scandal from his past.  Daniel invites himself along, useless creature that he is, and almost immediately gets into a beef with the local toughs.  They are protégées of Miyagi's rival and former best friend Sato (Danny Kamekona), who keeps challenging Miyagi to duel over his slighted honor.

This could have been a really pretty and serene story about how not fighting can be just as honorable under some circumstances and how anger corrupts the soul but instead it's about Daniel being a clueless dickhead and sock hopping through horrible international relationships.

Shaolin (2011)

  I had never even heard of this movie but it was on the server so I thought I might as well.  I have not been having very good luck with anime recently but it seems that live action martial arts are always my thing.

Warlord Hou (Andy Lau) has no time or respect for anything that doesn't bring him more power but when he loses everything in a coup by his subordinate, Tsao (Nicholas Tse), he begs asylum at the Shaolin temple.  He is put under the care of the cook, Wudao (Jackie Chan), until he begins to heal mentally and emotionally.  Tsao, meanwhile, is using forced refugee labor to unearth priceless national treasures and then killing the workers.  The monks decide to become outlaw heroes to put a stop to his evil ways.

I'm so used to Andy Lau playing a total dick that it was a little disconcerting to see him as a penitent. Almost as weird as seeing Jackie Chan in a supporting role.  Nicholas Tse was new to me but worth future watching.  Fan Bingbing was in this as well but she doesn't have a very big part.  Cory Yuen was the action director and that is a name I associate with quality.  He has worked on a number of excellent action films.

This was a pleasant surprise and I would definitely recommend it to wuxia fans.

Jason Bourne (2016)

I totally forgot to post anything yesterday.  My bad.  Here's what should have gone up.     I don't know why I even bothered seeing this.  I haven't really enjoyed a Jason Bourne movie since the first one.  I find them overly dramatic while lacking any real substance.

Former CIA operative Jason Bourne (Matt Damon) has been hiding out, living off the grid, and bare-knuckle boxing for cash.  He gets pulled back into the black ops world when Nikki Parsons (Julia Stiles) contacts him because she has located even more dangerous secret programs designed by the government to spy on everyone.  Nikki accidentally sets off an alert in the CIA while stealing these files and rising hotshot Heather Lee (Alicia Vikander) browbeats the director (Tommy Lee Jones) to let her handle bringing in Bourne.  The director agrees but also mobilizes an asset (Vincent Cassel) to kill Bourne if he gets a chance.

If I had to come up with a phrase for the Bourne franchise as a whole and this entry in particular, I would say "unrelieved gloominess".  This quasi-dystopian present the filmmakers are pushing frankly leaves me nonplussed.  I am over the fearmongering.  And I am over Jason Bourne.

Paul Greengrass is back to direct with his goddamn shaky cam antics, ruining every fight scene.  There is a decent car chase but it comes too late in the film to save it.  Vikander is practically a robot, Cassel doesn't have enough screen time, and you can see Tommy Lee Jones aging as the film progresses.

If you liked this franchise, you'll most likely enjoy this and should disregard my opinions entirely.  If you didn't, you're most likely not going to see it anyway.