Muppet Treasure Island (1996)

  RIP Tim Curry.  Losing Dolly Parton was a national tragedy but Tim Curry was a personal loss.  He made up so much of my childhood between Annie, Legend, Clue and this movie.

Jim Hawkins (Kevin Bishop) loves hearing the old, salty tall tales of Billy Bones (Billy Connolly), the local sailor-turned-drunk, at his seaside inn.  Especially the ones about Captain Flint's buried treasure.  One night, the inn is attacked and Bones confesses that the treasure is real and he has the map.  He gives it to Jim, Gonzo (himself), and Rizzo the Rat (himself) for safe-keeping.  The three decide to hire a ship and go after the treasure themselves.  Squire Trelawney (Fozze Bear) finances the trip under Captain Smollett (Kermit the Frog).  Jim signs on as a cabin boy and is taken under the wing of the friendly ship's cook, Long John Silver (Tim Curry).  

If you've read Robert Louis Stevenson's novel, you know the plot.  If you haven't, it's a classic for a reason and a childhood favorite.  Obviously, this is also a Muppet movie.  I had forgotten it was also a musical.  In fact, it had been so long since I'd seen it, I might as well have watched it for the first time.  In a word, this movie is great.  Not just a great kid's film, or Muppet movie, but a legitimately good comic adaptation.  Jennifer Saunders and Connolly steal early scenes but Curry is the draw, here.  He carries the film and that's hard to do surrounded by Muppets.  It's streaming on Disney+ and is a great way to introduce your kids to the legacy of an incredible performer.

The 355 (2022)

  I really wanted this to be better than it was.

Mace Browne (Jessica Chastain) is dispatched to Paris with her partner, Nick (Sebastian Stan), to retrieve a digital skeleton key from a Colombian soldier (Edgar Ramirez) who stole it from a British dude (Jason Flyming).  The op goes south when a rival German intelligence operative, Marie Schmidt (Diane Kruger), tries to steal the key.  In the ensuing chase, Nick is killed and Mace is blamed for the boondoggle.  To clear her name, she recruits an old MI6 buddy and tech whiz, Khadijah (Lupita N'yongo), to track the drive, which the operative has handed off to his psychologist, Graciela (Penelope Cruz).  Gracie is not a field-trained operative, but she's the only one biometrically linked to the drive, so the other three drag her along to a CIA safe house.  There, they learn that the drive is going to be auctioned in Shanghai and they have a very small window to be able to recover it.

I don't know if the studio just didn't have any faith in this or what, but the script could have used a couple more passes and possibly a military or government consultant.  The actors are giving it their best but they are let down by a tired, cliche-heavy script, anemic cinematography, and laissez-faire direction.    Someone was clearly trying for a rah-rah Girl Power spy movie and it just falls flat.  It's currently streaming on Peacock.  Watch Ocean's 8 instead.  

Bill and Ted Face the Music (2020)

  Looks like it's a Keanu Reeves weekend as we finish out this trilogy.

Bill (Alex Winters) and Ted (Keanu Reeves) saved the world but have struggled in the wake of their success with Wyld Stallyns and they've gone from playing arenas to playing Elks Lodges.  A visitor from the future, Kelly (Kristen Schaal), warns them that if they don't find the song that unites the entire human race throughout all time, in accordance with the prophecy, the future will collapse.  Having not written a song in decades, Bill and Ted decide to go into their future to find a time when they will have written it and steal it from their future selves while avoiding a killer robot from the future (Anthony Carrigan).  Meanwhile, their daughters Billy (Jack Haven) and Thea (Samara Weaving) decide to help out by putting together a band made up of the most incredible musicians from all of time.

You already know if you're the target audience for this.  If you're not, there's nothing here for you.  If you are, it's pure nostalgia bait but it's cute.  They brought back some of the main cast, including William Sadler, Hal Landon, Jr., and Amy Stoch.  George Carlin's daughter, Kelly, has a cameo, which is a nice touch.  The plot remains paper-thin but the effects work has gotten much better since 1991.  It's currently streaming for free on Tubi and PlutoTV.  

My Own Private Idaho (1991)

  If I had a nickel for every Shakespeare adaptation Keanu Reeves starred in, I'd have two nickels.  

Mike (River Phoenix) is a narcoleptic, hustler, and prostitute in Oregon.  His best friend is Scott (Keanu Reeves), a fellow prostitute rebelling against his rich, overbearing father, who is the mayor of Portland.  Mike wants to find his estranged mother (Vana O'Brien), so he and Scott travel to Idaho to find Mike's brother, Richard (James Russo.)  Dick has a last-known address in Italy so the boys hit up a recurring customer, Hans (Udo Kier), for airfare money.  

This is part of the queer indie movement from the 80s and early 90s.  It just has a much stronger pedigree.  Gus Van Sant wrote and directed it, and obviously Reeves' and Phoenix's careers were already taking off.  It's not fully an adaptation of Henry IV but there are a lot of elements that cross over.  The style is experimental, with time lapses, odd title cards, and fantastical elements.  It's not terrible but it's not very engaging, either.  These boys' lives are pretty bleak.  Still, it's considered a cult classic.  It's not streaming anywhere for free but, like its main characters, it is available for rent.

Cimarron (1931)

  Content warning:  dead animal (horse, off-screen), racism

Yancey Cravat (Richard Dix) is in love with the idea of the West.  He leaves his Wichita home to travel to the Oklahoma Territory for a land rush, only to be beaten out on the best parcel by a young woman (Estelle Taylor).  Undefeated, he moves his family to the boomtown of Osage and starts a newspaper, but the call of the West reaches out and he leaves his wife, Sabra (Irene Dunne) to manage things on her own, showing up from time to time like a stray cat.

This was a major epic back in the day.  It cost a fortune during the Great Depression and won three Oscars, including Best Picture.  Now, it's mostly just an artifact of a bygone era.  The characterizations are melodramatic, the pacing is laggy, and the tone is rhapsodic over a past that never existed.  It would, however, make a decent double feature with Killers of the Flower Moon if you want to see the other side of this story, which glosses over the atrocities with barely a blip.  Dix overacts like hell, swaggering around in the shiniest boots and looking like a parody of a silent film star.  Dunne is the real hero here, holding down a throughline of plot that meanders terribly.  At two hours and three minutes long, it's not a jaunt, and I don't think anyone but the most hardened of Oscar nerds are going to find it worth it.  But it is in the public domain as of January this year, so it is free if you do want to watch it.  There's a couple of versions on YouTube and the whole thing is actually embedded in the Wikipedia article for the movie.

Madron (1970)

  Content warning:  animal death (rattlesnake)

Sister Mary Joseph (Leslie Caron) is the only survivor of a wagon train massacred by Apache on the way to a mission in Santa Fe.  She wanders haplessly through the desert until she meets Madron (Richard Boone), a gunslinger on the run after a bad business deal.  Madron has managed to piss off an Apache named Sam Red (Chaim Banai) and now Sam and Madron's former business partners are all after him.  Still, he's not the kind of man who would let a nun travel by herself, even if he can't really understand what a nun is.

It's the Volcano vs Dante's Peak of Westerns-featuring-men-exasperated-by-hot-nuns, coming out the same year as Two Mules for Sister Sara.  It's not nearly as memorable, however.  It looks like a made-for-TV movie but was inexplicably nominated for an Oscar for Best Original Song, a thoroughly sappy piece of work called "Til Love Touches Your Life."  

It's always nice to see Caron, although she is acting circles around Boone.  Strictly for die-hard Spaghetti Western fans, I think, but it's streaming on Amazon Prime.

Bill and Ted's Bogus Journey (1991)

  Our journey continues through the middle of this franchise.

Bill (Alex Winters) and Ted (Keanu Reeves) are gearing up for the San Dimas Battle of the Bands, a turning point in their future that will usher in a new age of prosperity and peace.  In the far future, however, Chuck de Nomolos (Joss Ackland) has implemented a plan to go back and time, kill Bill and Ted, and replace them with evil robot versions.  The souls of Bill and Ted manage to escape Death (William Sadler) but are stymied as how to save their band or their girlfriends from beyond the grave.  They travel through Hell, Heaven, and Death's realm in search of guidance.

I remember this being borderline unwatchable but it's not that bad.  It's not great by any stretch but it's not terrible.  It's overlong and not nearly as funny as it thinks it is, but Sadler alone is worth it.  He is a highly underrated character actor.  The special effects now qualify as kitschy and I have no idea what they were going for with the weird troll-like aliens, but at least the soundtrack is good.  Also, bonus cameos by blues legend Taj Mahal and writer Ed Solomon, as well as performance work by Michael "Boogaloo Shrimp" Chambers and Tony Cox.

Totally understand if you skip this one.  It's currently streaming on Kanopy and for free on Tubi.