City Lights (1931)

  This holds up pretty well for being 90 years old.  

A tramp (Charlie Chaplin) falls in love with a blind flower seller (Virginia Cherrill) and goes to extreme lengths to help her financially.

City Lights is a classic Chaplin film, one of his biggest in terms of solidifying his Tramp character.  The slapstick still works and the love story is cute but the "eccentric millionaire" character could use an investigation.  When he's drunk, he swings between suicidally depressed and manic partying.  When he's sober, he ruins poor people's lives.  That's not eccentric.  That's just an alcoholic.  But again, still accurate nine decades later.

City Lights is currently streaming on the Criterion Channel and HBO Max.

Sabotage (2014)

  This is an aggressively stupid movie but it blows stuff up real good.

John "Breacher" Wharton (Arnold Schwarzenegger) is the leader of a hotshot team of DEA undercover operatives.  Kind of.  Mostly they are just trigger happy frat bros with one ringer, Lizzy (Mirielle Enos), who goes in for recon.  Anyway, they decide to rip $10 million off a cartel bust, but when they go back for retrieval, the money is gone.  Six months later, the team starts to get picked off one by one.  Is it the cartel? Is it someone on the team?  Atlanta homicide detective Caroline Brentwood (Olivia Williams) is determined to find out.

Okay, so this is extremely male gaze-y cinematography and flat out misogynistic writing.  The action scenes are tight but you better be okay with absolute gallons of fake blood.  It's not a terrible movie but you can do better.  Maybe you don't want better, though.  Maybe you want spray can cheese.  If so, it's currently streaming on Netflix.

Alice Through the Looking Glass (2016)

It's taken me about five years to circle back to the A's.  This is still a fairly slight sequel but it is much more watchable than I originally decided.  The Hatter is still pretty annoying but Wasikowska more than makes up for it.  Originally watched 05 Mar 17.    I'm a little surprised this didn't get nominated for score or costumes or makeup or something.  It's kind of a terrible movie, but that's never stopped the Academy before.

Alice (Mia Wasikowska) is now the captain of her father's ship, Wonder, but her expeditions are being met with raised eyebrows back in London.  The ship's backer, her former fiance, Hamish (Leo Bill), has decided to leverage the Kingsleigh house in order to force Alice into a more proper job.  Angry at this sudden betrayal, Alice follows a butterfly through a mirror in Hamish's house and into Wonderland.  Things are not going well here, either.  The Hatter (Johnny Depp) is in a deep depression.  He has discovered a new piece of evidence that leads him to believe his family was not killed by the Jabberwocky after all and he wants Alice to find them.  To do that, she must "borrow" the Chronosphere from Time (Sacha Baron Cohen) and go back to view the past.  Since she is not of the Wonderland timeline, there is very little risk she will create a paradox, but Time is still not going to just let her have it.  So she steals it.

If this had been made a year, even two, after Alice in Wonderland, I would probably have liked it more.  But six years between films is a long time.  I found myself struggling to care about any of the characters, even as the film presented new backstory for the competing Red and White Queens, the Hatter, and Alice herself.  Plus, Sacha Baron Cohen's accent kept moving around from a standard British one to a weird early-Schwartzeneggar one and it was irritating.  I am over Johnny Depp as the Hatter and I am over Wonderland.

Bedazzled (2000)

I got vaccinated in early May and this weekend was the first real interaction I've had with my entire friend group in over a year.  Obviously, I needed a practice run of how to be human again, so Bethany came over on Friday night and we watched Bedazzled.  She had never seen it before and since we're both Brendan Fraser fans, I thought it was only fitting.  Pleased to say it still very much holds up, mainly because of the chemistry between Hurley and Fraser.  If that pairing was stilted or off in any way, this whole movie would have fallen apart.  Originally watched 21 Jul 13.     Elliott Richards (Brendan Fraser) is a hopelessly dorky tech support geek with no friends and no life.  He has a huge crush on a girl from his office, Allison (Frances O'Connor) but has never had the balls to actually talk to her.  One night, after being laughed at by four of his co-workers, Elliott voices the longing that he would give anything to have Allison in his life.  What he doesn't know is that the Devil (Elizabeth Hurley) is listening and is about to make him the offer of his life:  seven wishes in exchange for his soul.

This movie remains one of my favorite takes on the Faust story.  Elliott's wishes and how they all go wrong are hilarious.  Elizabeth Hurley is smoking hot and mischievously adorable as she messes up this dude's life again and again.   And it has some of the cutest opening credits of any movie I've ever seen.  If you haven't seen it, give it a whirl.  It's a super-fun movie.

Beyond the Lights (2014)

  This is what A Star is Born would be if it were a happy movie.

Content warning:  attempted suicide

Noni (Gugu Mbatha-Raw) has been primed for stardom her entire life but on the cusp of her big break finds the emptiness of her life overwhelming.  A cop named Kaz (Nate Parker) stops her from killing herself and tries to help her figure out what she truly wants while facing his own pressures as an aspiring politician.  

This isn't a bad film by any means.  It does feel a little safe, like I've seen this story too many times, but I've watched literally thousands of movies.  This could 100% be someone's favorite and that would be totally valid.  The songs are good, the acting is good, especially the two leads, both up-and-coming stars in their own right, and there are great supporting turns by Minnie Driver and Danny Glover.  It's streaming on Kanopy and worth the watch.

From Up on Poppy Hill (2011)

  A Studio Ghibli film is always a treat.

Umi (Masami Nagasawa) is a busy high schooler.  Every morning she cooks breakfast for the boarding house she lives in with her grandmother, gets herself and her siblings ready for school, and always remembers to raise the nautical flags out front in remembrance of her father, who died during WWII.  She gets involved in the school newspaper after a stunt by one of the members, Shun (Jun'ichi Okada), to raise awareness of the proposed destruction of the school clubhouse.  Umi uses her superb organizational skills to spearhead the cleaning and restoration of the building.  As she and Shun spend more time together, feeling begin to develop, but a longheld family secret could force them apart.

I am usually the first person to demand my movies have at least one (preferably explosive) action piece but this was a nice break.  Very low-key human drama that doesn't center on trauma to force empathy, and of course, wrapped in the signature Ghibli lush animation.  

It's currently streaming on HBO Max.  I watched it subbed, but there is an English dub as well.

Red Planet (2000)

  This is a terrible movie that hopefully no one will try and call an "underrated gem" at any point in the future.  It's okay.  Just let this one go.  

A crew of astronauts prepare for the first manned mission to Mars to establish it as a viable colony world.  Terraforming had begun with prior missions, where oxygen-producing algae was seeded onto the surface.  Mission leader Bowman (Carrie-Anne Moss) leads a team consisting of a pilot (Benjamin Bratt), three scientists (Terrence Stamp, Tom Sizemore, and Simon Baker) and an engineer (Val Kilmer).  Almost immediately, things go horribly wrong.  Their docking ship is hit by a solar flare so Bowman evacuates the crew to the surface and stays behind to try and salvage the ship.  The men are blown far off course from the landing zone and then discover that their would-be habitat has been destroyed, leaving them with no supplies and no extra oxygen.  Also, the navigation robot prototype given to them by the United States Marine Corps accidentally flipped to Evil Mode in the crash and is actively stalking them.  And there may or may not be killer aliens.

If you asked me to define the 00s, I wouldn't be able to give you any concrete examples, but somehow this movie is a perfect encapsulation of the year 2000.  It's still bad.  Do not expect it to be in the National Library any time soon.  But the unnecessary voiceover that sounds like Screenwriting 101, the token woman and token POC (only one of each! Don't need more!), the soundtrack, and the heavy-handed but still somehow milquetoast environmental message, date it more reliably than carbon-14.  

Bowman is the most competent member of the crew and she is mostly relegated to over-comms encouragement and unattainable sex symbol by all of the dudes.  Carrie-Anne Moss deserved better.  Bratt also drew the short straw with a one-note character.  Kilmer is basically playing the grown-up version of his Real Genius character, which I didn't mind actually, but there was nothing he could do to salvage this movie.  

It's currently streaming on Tubi if you want to drunk watch it.  

Tampopo (1985)

  This is probably the funniest Japanese film I've ever seen.  Kurosawa is many things, but he's not exactly a laugh riot.  

Content warning: animal death

A team of culinary ronin (which might be the greatest two words ever put together) led by truck driver Goro (Tsutomo Yamazaki) helps widowed Tampopo (Nobuko Miyamoto) improve her ramen cooking.  Meanwhile, the camera loosely follows other Japanese diners through various food-related experiences.  

That doesn't really give you a sense of how light and fun this movie is.  It is just a joy to watch, especially if you like food.  There are only two scenes that potentially ruin the mood, depending on your tolerance.  One where a live turtle is killed, and one where a teenaged oyster diver is shown in a wet white top.  Both scenes are mercifully brief but they still exist.  

Tampopo is currently streaming on the Criterion Channel and I think HBO Max.  It is absolutely worth a watch.  Also, there is a baby Ken Watanabe as Gun, Goro's partner!  I didn't even recognize him.

Blue Chips (1994)

  Oh, look, another sports movie.  

A coach on a losing streak who can't let go of his ex-wife compromises his ethics to boost his team into a better position.  Wait, no, that was Slap Shot.  

A basketball coach on a losing streak (Nick Nolte) who can't let go of his ex-wife (Mary McConnell) compromises his ethics by allowing a greedy alumnus (J.T. Walsh) to bribe incoming athletes into joining his university team.  That's better.

I don't understand sports.  I mostly see the appeal for people in playing.  Some people really like physical activity and they enjoy competing against others of the same caliber.  I can sort of, maybe, see the appeal of watching sports.  I like watching the Olympics.  There is something fascinating about seeing the top tier of humanity perform at the highest level of their ability.  I do not understand the rabid fanaticism where people replace their entire personality with a sports team.  I do not understand gambling culture.  This seems to be the slimy underbelly of all sports.  I had to google what point shaving was.  And I still don't really understand "covering the spread" as anything but a subculture of addicts rhapsodizing about their poisons.

Fortunately, this movie really isn't about basketball.  It's about money and morals.  College athletes are prohibited from making money off their performances, while universities rake in millions of dollars.  In order to get the best players, and therefore more money, the unofficial practice is to bribe high school kids with much more than scholarships.  Cars, cash, help for their families, whatever they want under the table in exchange for approximately four years of unpaid labor.  Unfair, unethical, and particularly disgusting considering the racial and socioeconomic factors.  Rich white dudes profiting off the unpaid labor of predominantly people of color is not a great look in the 21st century.  And don't get me started on the number of crimes, especially sexual assaults, swept under the rug from a college system designed to protect their investments.  This is where the gambling part comes in.  Because now you know these athletes have a price.  What's a little extra to get them to fix a couple of games?  What's wrong with using a little leverage against a player whose mom got a new house?  

This is the same director who did The French Connection and The Exorcist.  The movie underperformed commercially and was critically panned.  I wouldn't call it the greatest sports movie ever made but it does have a point to make about basketball and the intersections of money and power.  It's currently streaming on Hulu.

Georgia Rule (2007)

  Fun fact!  All three lead actresses have been to jail!  You don't get to say that often.

Content warning: discussion of pedophilia and molestation

At her wits' end, Lilly Wilcox (Felicity Huffman) drops off her seventeen-year-old daughter, Rachel (Lindsay Lohan), to live with her no-nonsense grandmother, Georgia (Jane Fonda), in Idaho for the summer.  Georgia has a lot of rules, more than Rachel wants to deal with, and one of them is that Rachel needs to get a job.  So Rachel starts working for the town doctor/vet, a recent widower named Simon (Dermot Mulroney).  While pressuring Simon to just get over his dead wife and son, she admits that her step-father (Carey Elwes) has molested her since she was twelve.  The movie takes a somewhat darker turn from here.

I think a lot of people wrote this off as a glorified Hallmark movie based on the marketing.  It's easy to do. It's even easier now that Lohan and Huffman have become running jokes for privileged white women fucking up.  But let's not forget that under the scandals and the money, these were talented actresses.  Fonda, as always, is a goddamn legend, even though she doesn't really do a lot here.  Elwes, in a rare villainous turn, makes the most of his limited screen time.  Mulroney is pitch perfect and Garrett Hedlund is just adorable.  

No lie, this is an extremely uncomfortable movie to watch, even though you see nothing of the abuse except the aftermath.  A lot hinges on Lohan's believability, which is itself a commentary on victim blaming, but she is textbook perfect here.

Does everything in the movie work?  No.  The comic relief subplot about the town girls spying on Rachel and Harlan, the slut shaming, and the potshots at Mormons are lazy, low-hanging fruit and they could have been better.  But it is not the saccharine mush that I thought it would be.  Georgia Rule is currently streaming on Amazon Prime.

Corpus Christi (2019)

  I tried to watch this a while back during the beginning of the pandemic but I just couldn't deal with it at the time.  That doesn't mean it's a bad movie; it was just too heavy for me to process.

Content warning: rape

Daniel (Bartosz Bielenia) wants to be a priest after experiencing a conversion in juvenile detention, but is told no seminary will accept him because of his criminal background.  (Which pretty much violates all the tenets of Christianity, but we'll ignore that for now.)  Sent to a sawmill for work, Daniel instead wanders to a nearby town and is mistaken for Father Tomasz, the new priest sent to fill in while the current priest (Zdzislaw Wardejn) goes away for a surgery.  Daniel makes the most of this role, mentoring the kids, standing up to the overbearing sawmill owner/mayor (Leszek Lichota), and generally being a force for good.  But he's not the only one with a secret.  The local tragedy (every small town has one) is a car wreck that killed six teenagers and the driver of the other car.  As Daniel gets closer to Marta (Eliza Rycembei), the sister of one of the victims, he starts to put together a conspiracy of grief, denial, and misplaced anger.

I like Catholics.  Most of the Catholics I know (are lapsed, but that's a different story) are fun people who try to do the right thing, even when their religion lets them down.  I like Christianity.  Its basic principles advocate unconditional love, service to others, and humility.  I don't like most Christians, especially people who use the term as a club to punish anyone they feel is different.  And that's kind of what this movie is about.  The people in the town are devout and united in their hatred for the widow of the man that killed their children, to the point of making her a pariah.  When Daniel pushes back on this narrative, he is attacked, in the night, in cowardly anonymity.  Daniel is told that because he is a murderer (Bad), he can't be a priest, but the priest who began a sexual relationship with him while he was in Juvenile Detention?  Fine upstanding member of the clergy. K.

Anyway, this is a good movie but not a fun movie.  It's currently streaming on the Criterion Channel but I got it on disc from Netflix.

Alice in Wonderland (2010)

Chalk this up to reviews that didn't age well.  I can't believe I've been writing this blog long enough to be able to say that.  Obviously, I was not aware of how much of an abusive alcoholic Johnny Depp would become in a decade.  Even then, I was aware he had problems and his acting quality had certainly nosedived since his heyday, but I reasoned it was likely just him getting lazy with fame, not crawling into a bottle.  That being said, he really doesn't affect this movie so much.  You can kind of ignore him.  Crispin Glover, however, only grows more fantastic with a rewatch.  I don't know that this is anyone's favorite adaptation but the costumes and makeup are still perfect.  Originally posted 07 Mar 10.  There are many things I am not a fan of. Tim Burton is not one of those things. I have enjoyed pretty much every single thing he has ever produced. So I went into Alice in Wonderland with the expectation that I would enjoy it unless the movie was a complete trainwreck.

It's not a trainwreck.

It is very Tim Burton-y, though. I didn't see it in 3D because I think that's kind of gimmicky and a movie should be able to stand on its own as a narrative instead of trying to reach out and strangle me.

All of the characters are appropriately creepy in their own ways, and the voice talent is prodigious. Christopher Lee is the voice of the Jabberwocky, for example, and he elevates the animation to malevolent heights. Anne Hathaway minces around in blinding white, mixing up vile potions while lilting breathlessly. Crispin Glover is |-| that close to getting a talk with Chris Hansen. Willard seems restrained in comparison.

But let's talk about the star of the show, shall we?

No, not her. Get real, people!

That's more like it!

It should come as absolutely no surprise to you when I say that Johnny Depp is completely psychotic as the Mad Hatter. My favorite moments of his screen time, however, aren't the lisping lunatic or wide-eyed mournful manic, but the growling murderous Scottish brogue declaiming the "Bloody Red Queen". That's sexy.

And, because the Powers That Be decided Alice shouldn't be a minor, there is an unprecedented opportunity for her to bone the Hatter. Who wouldn't jump at that?! Other obligations be damned! Everybody knows that the crazy ones are better in the sack. And he's really crazy! Plus he has a claymore!

Other than that small suspension of disbelief issue, the movie was a fun adventure down the rabbit hole suitable for all ages. My only complaint, besides the exclusion of some sweet sweet Hatter action, is that it could have been pushed further out of the envelope. I would have loved to see an R-rated Wonderland or at least PG-13.

Mortal Kombat (2021)

  This is not going to be nominated for any awards, and that's okay.  Not everything has to be high-brow.  Sometimes you just want to watch people kick the shit out of each other for two hours.  

Cole Young (Lewis Tan) is a down-on-his-luck MMA fighter with a strange dragon-shaped birthmark.  He's recovering from his latest loss when some psychopath tries to kill him by creating hail from nothing.  Rescued by a former Special Forces officer named Jax (Mehcad Brooks), Cole is told to meet a woman named Sonya Blade (Jessica McNamee) to find out what's what.  Sonya tells him he is a legacy descendent of one of Earth's chosen warriors, fated to duel in Mortal Kombat to protect his realm from Shang Tsung (Chin Han).  Despite having won nine of ten combat (kombat?) rounds, Shang Tsung doesn't believe in leaving anything to chance, hence why he dispatched Sub-Zero (Joe Taslim) to kill Cole and his family.  

Look, you're either going to be really excited about this movie or you're not.  Pros: they totally say all the lines and you will feel a rush of dopamine every time they do like someone shot heroin between your toes.

Cons:  the script is not any smarter than the 1995 version.  Pros:  They nailed the graphic violence of the fatalities.  Just gratuitous amounts of blood and gore.  Perfection.  Cons: who are all these new people??  Who is Kabal?  Nitara?!  I am so old!

So, yeah.  Mortal Kombat.  Could it have been a better movie? Sure.  Do I give a single shit about that?  Nope.  Do I kind of want to go back and watch all the other Mortal Kombat movies and *checks IMDb* TV shows I've never heard of?  A little bit.  It's currently streaming on HBO Max until May 23.

Labor Day (2013)

  Hoo boy, let's unpack this one, shall we?

A young boy (Gattlin Griffith) and his mother (Kate Winslet) are held hostage by an escaped murderer (Josh Brolin) over a long weekend in the 1980s.  

Sounds pretty straightforward.

Except it's a love story.  See, Adele, the mom, has been a total nervous wreck and borderline agoraphobic, which caused the end of her previous marriage and has made her relationship with her son just this side of creepily codependent.  Frank, the murderer, provides a stable influence for Adele and a father figure for young Henry, teaching him how to play baseball and bake a pie.  

There is so much Yikes in this film.  I get that Frank had One Bad Day and is being over-punished for it.  That's not my problem.  It's how weak every character in the film is.  There is room in the world for all kinds of stories, good characters, bad, amoral, strong, brittle, happy, and morose.  I just don't care for weak ones.  I end up screaming "Fight back" "Stand up for yourself" "Tell that person to fuck off" at my TV and it's just not a good time for anyone.  Maybe someone else could watch this movie and see it's about two deeply damaged and hurting people finding solace and comfort in each other under extraordinary circumstances, but that person is not me.  It's streaming on Kanopy.

Slap Shot (1977)

  I know this is a highly regarded sports movie but it has not aged well.

Content Warning: homophobic slurs

The Charlestown Chiefs are a minor league hockey team on a losing streak.  Worse, their town's main source of income, a mill, is closing and the General Manager (Strother Martin) is looking to fold.  The team's coach, Reggie (Paul Newman, still looking good at 52 here), concocts a plan to boost morale and hopefully give the team a chance to be picked up by a different city: lie about interest from an investor, then disregard every rule about sportsmanship and just be complete goons on the ice.  

If you just take the hockey elements, it's not bad.  Unfortunately, you really can't separate them out from the near constant homophobia.  Also, I have no idea why the trying-to-get-the-ex-wife-back subplot was shoehorned in, since it didn't go anywhere.  In fact, every single scene that focused on the wives or girlfriends seemed bizarrely out of place, like from a completely different (and one might argue, better) script.  Like if Anita Loos wrote Meatballs.  Just weird, man.

It's currently streaming on Peacock, but there are better hockey movies, I promise you.

The Innkeepers (2011)

  This is one of those cases where the poster is better than the movie.  

On its last open weekend, two employees of the turn-of-the-century Yankee Pedlar Inn try to make contact with the resident ghost.  This works out about as well as it usually does.

I'm just so disappointed.  Haunted hotel movies are a dime-a-dozen and it doesn't take a lot to clear the bar, but this movie just kept tripping over itself.  No effort on backstory, telling instead of showing, jump scares, and what was up with the cutesy title cards?  What a waste.

It's currently streaming on Tubi with ad breaks but is absolutely not worth watching.

The Hustler (1961)

  I tried to watch this movie when I was way too young to understand it so my brain bookmarked it for a later date.  It fully deserves the praise heaped on it, but you know, maybe also a content warning.  So here's a content warning.

CW:  suicide

"Fast" Eddie Felson (Paul Newman, with a profile that belonged on a Grecian coin, my God, what a beautiful man) is a pool hustler, traveling across the country with his partner, Charlie (Myron McCormick), scamming locals out of their cash.  But what Eddie really wants is to make a name for himself by challenging the legendary Minnesota Fats (Jackie Gleason).  He loses, and badly.  Embarrassed, Eddie abandons his partner and hooks up with Sarah Packard (Piper Laurie), a damaged, borderline alcoholic.  The two are at peace for a while, licking their respective psychological wounds, until Eddie starts to crave the action of the pool-hall again.  He meets Burt Gordon (George C. Scott), a backer with money to burn and a penchant for abusive manipulation.  Sarah immediately recognizes Burt for the evil bastard that he is, but Eddie still thinks he needs Burt to get back to a level where he can challenge Fats to a rematch.  

There are a ton of movies about gambling addiction but almost none as skillful as this one.  It doesn't romanticize Eddie or Sarah at all, presenting them as deeply flawed but sympathetic, adrift in a world full of sharks.  George C. Scott was a hell of an actor at playing complete assholes.  (Also, you've never seen a man who hated the Oscars as much as he did.)  All four main cast got nominated for performances but no one won.  I guess this means I'll have to watch The Color of Money now.

The Hustler is currently streaming on the Criterion Channel.

Garden State (2004)

  This was not a movie for me.  It's not a bad movie, just not a movie for me.  Character dramas, you know?

Andrew (Zach Braff) returns to his New Jersey home for his mother's funeral.  He tries to reconnect with old friends but things don't really click for him until he meets Sam (Natalie Portman), a Manic Pixie Dream Girl with epilepsy and a penchant for lying.  After being exposed to her particular brand of joie de vivre, Andrew decides to stop taking the antidepressants prescribed to him by his father (Ian Holm) and let himself feel his feelings.

First off, if you are on prescription medication, do not just decide to stop taking it without discussing it with your mental health professional.  Second, don't have your dad be that person.  That is super unethical and Holm is the closest thing this movie has to a real villain.  Portman works her ass off to breathe life into what is essentially a Jiminy Cricket character and God love her for it, considering it's basically the nice version of the character she played in Closer.  Standout performance, however, is Peter Sarsgaard who completely embodies scumbag-with-good-intentions Mark.  Excellent casting.  Plus, Denis O'Hare in a wholesome role!

It's currently streaming on Hulu.

 

Noah (2014)

  Just got my second Covid vaccine shot today.  I feel fine so far, but we'll see how the weekend goes.  

Noah (Russell Crowe) receives a vision from God saying that humanity has ruined the Earth and there will be a flood to wash them all away.  Noah consults with his grandfather, Methuselah (Anthony Hopkins), and begins work on an ark to hold two of every innocent creature.  All is going well until his middle son, Ham (Logan Lerman), does some math and realizes that there are three sons and only one woman not genetically related to them (Emma Watson) getting on this boat, and she suffered an injury as a child that left her barren.  Noah thinks this is a sign that his family is to take care of all the animals, then kill themselves so that humanity can't fuck it all up again.  His wife (Jennifer Connolly) disagrees.  Meanwhile, the leader of the children of Cain (Roy Winstone) is making plans to attack the ark and save himself.

Y'all know I love me some Aronofsky, even the batshit crazy religious ones.  This is not his finest movie (the third act could have been pared down significantly, in my opinion) but it does make a great companion piece to Pi and mother!, sort of like an auteur canon.  Noah is currently streaming on Amazon under their IMDbTV collection, which means it's free with ad breaks.  There were nine breaks when I watched it, and they were very jarring.