Rustlers' Rhapsody (1985)

  I loved this movie.  I had to watch it on Amazon since Netflix has never had a copy of this, but it was totally worth it.  This is one of the best Western spoofs I've ever seen.

Singing cowboy Rex O'Herlihan (Tom Berenger) finds himself going to the same cliche-ridden towns all over the West.  There's always a corrupt cattle baron who is somehow always a colonel (Andy Griffith) with a beautiful, headstrong daughter (Sela Ward), a bunch of put upon farmers or sheep herders, a beautiful prostitute with a heart of gold (Marilu Henner), and a town drunk (G. W. Bailey).  But when the Colonel joins forces with the equally corrupt railroad tycoon (Fernando Ray) to bring in a foil, Rex finds himself off script and struggling.

Some of this film has not held up well, like the underscoring homophobia, but the vast majority of it is spot-on.  Berenger is absolutely perfect as the carrot-eating, monogram-wardrobed Rex and Bailey is fantastic as his erstwhile sidekick and narrator.  If you've ever watched the black-and-white 40's Western serials, or the 50's TV shows, you really need to see this movie.

Thor: The Dark World (2013)

Man, I am really harsh on Marvel movies.  Yikes.  As is usually the case, I am much more tolerant on a second viewing.  This is still not in my top five favorites, but I'm not going to pretend it doesn't exist.  Tonally, it struggles, but that's okay.  Not everything can be perfect.  And it was nice to see Natalie Portman in the MCU again.  Originally posted 10 Nov 2013.    Let me start by saying that I liked the movie.  I had a good time while I was watching it and owning it is pretty much a given.

However.

Of all the Marvel movies thus far, this is my least favorite, moving Captain America up a notch.  I know!  No one wants to hear that.  But I'm saying it anyway.  My biggest problem with this film was the lack of consistency.  Parts of it were hilarious, parts were exciting, and parts were (at least trying to be) emotional.  None of it ever really came together in a coherent whole. 

Thor (Chris Hemsworth) has been busy since New York, putting the nine realms back into order.  However, his heart still pines for Jane Foster (Natalie Portman).  Odin (Anthony Hopkins) thinks he should forget about the pesky mortal and marry someone his own species, like Sif (Jamie Alexander).  But when Jane accidentally discovers an ancient artifact of destruction called the Aether, she awakens Asgard's old enemies the Dark Elves, led by Malekith (Christopher Eccleston).  Malekith wants to use the convergence of all nine realms to unleash the Aether and wipe out the entire universe because he doesn't like sunlight.  Hey, we've all been there.  Thor and Odin disagree on the best method of handling Malekith, so Thor and his friends decide to go behind the All-Father's back since that worked out so well the first time.  The first step is to break Loki (Tom Hiddleston) out of jail and convince him to show them the back way out of Asgard. 

It's clear that someone spent a great deal of time and effort trying to tie all the elements from previous films into this one.  It just feels a little forced, like someone trying to copy Joss Whedon's style of character-building and falling flat.  The actors are all great, but they're great separately.  Case in point, Tom Hiddleston is amazing just being Loki.  Like he doesn't have to do anything, just being Loki is enough.  But I really think Stellan Skarsgaard stole this film.  Dr. Erik Selvig was utterly traumatized by having Loki take over his brain in The Avengers and he is still recovering from that. 

There is a mid-credit scene that sets up the villain for next summer's Guardians of the Galaxy.  I'm sure I read it at some point but I totally forgot who they had cast in that role, and I was completely overjoyed to see him.    There is also a little clip at the very end of the credits that shows that you can be practically god-like and still miss a few tiny details in the heat of battle.  I'm wondering if that is what will be handled in the crossover episode of Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.

Frances Ha (2012)

  I don't know why this is a Criterion Collection pick.  I don't get it.

The official synopsis from Netflix says "Determined to make it as a modern dancer in New York, a young woman pursues her unlikely goal with more enthusiasm than natural talent," but that's not really accurate.

Frances (Greta Gerwig) is a 27-year-old dancing apprentice who has an unhealthy codependent relationship with her best friend, Sophie (Mickey Sumner).  But when Sophie's life starts to follow a more traditional path for adulthood (real job, committed relationship, etc.), Frances is forced to confront that she has just been coasting in Sophie's wake.

I think everybody has known or has been a Frances at some point in their lives.  Your enjoyment of this movie may be a direct reflection of how irritating you find these human beings.  I will be the first to tell you that I don't like character-based dramas.  Frances also reminded me a lot of Adele from Blue is the Warmest Color, except that she was 15, not almost 30.

Gerwig is adept enough, but I thought Sumner's performance was better.  I think it was meant to seem more cinema verite by shooting in black and white, but it comes off as pretentious to me.  Maybe a more grounded style was meant as a contrast to how flighty Frances is?  I don't know.  It's a pretty straightforward story, no twists and turns, or big reveal.  If you like that sort of thing, give it a shot.  I found it a little too annoying.

Blade Runner 2049 (2017)

  I saw this movie two weeks ago and I still don't know if I liked it or not.  This is probably going to ruin my nerd cred with some of you, but I never really liked the original Blade Runner.  I thought it was decent but seriously overhyped.  And I'm leaning the same direction for the sequel.

K (Ryan Gosling) is a blade runner, a replicant tasked with running down the rebellious members of his own kind.  His first inkling that something has gone horribly wrong is when he is tasked to retire Sapper Morton (Dave Bautista), who has been the caretaker of an enormous secret, one which threatens the entire society:  that a replicant could give birth to living offspring.  K is commanded to track down and destroy the child before this becomes public knowledge.  But industrialist and replicant manufacturer Niander Wallace (Jared Leto) has his own plans for the miracle child.  As K finds himself drawn further into the mystery, all roads seem to lead back to the original officer, Rick Deckard (Harrison Ford).

It's a beautiful film, really.  Denis Villeneuve and Roger Deakins see to that.  The problem I have is the story.  What is this movie adding to the conversation Ridley Scott began in 1982?  That's not rhetorical.  I legit don't know.  It seems like mostly an excuse to retread familiar ground with better special effects.  I've heard some people say it gives the ending that the original should have had, but I think that's crap.  There was nothing wrong with the ending.  It was purposefully open-ended in order to keep you guessing.  The question was never "is Deckard a replicant?"  It was "how do we define humanity?"  This film is so sympathetic to K and the other replicants that it seems like a moot point.

I don't think anyone would ever be sorry they watched it.  Like I said, Villeneuve and Deakins are master craftsmen.  I'm just sorry that it couldn't have pushed the dialogue a little further.

Tower Heist (2011)

  If you were forced, gun to your head, to watch a Ben Stiller movie, you should still pick Madagascar.  But this isn't a terrible alternate.

When rich asshole Artie Shaw (Alan Alda) loses all the Tower Apartments employees' pensions in illegal trades, apartment manager Josh Kovacs (Ben Stiller) takes it personally.  He discovers from the investigating FBI agent (Tea Leoni) that they have not recovered $20 million of Shaw's and believe it to be hidden somewhere in his apartment.  Kovacs pulls together a team of former and current employees and residents to help him break into the penthouse and discover Shaw's hidden millions in an effort to recompense all the swindled employees.

It's not the worst heist movie I've ever seen but it's certainly not the best.  It mostly wastes an A-list cast on a mediocre story and relies overmuch on Stiller being charming.  You deserve better.

Sea Prince and the Fire Child (1981)

  I don't remember why I added this to my Netflix queue back in 2012.  I think I read about it in an article about anime, or something nostalgic.  Who knows?  Netflix never had it available in the subsequent five years so I finally looked it up online and it was on YouTube.  It's obviously a straight VHS rip so the quality is terrible.

Prince Sirius (Toru Furuya) is the heir to the kingdom of the sea.  He is told by the king that he must never go to the Forbidden Zone, which he immediately does.  There he finds Princess Malta (Mami Koyama), a fire child and keeper of the sacred flame.  They instantly fall in love once they get past the prejudice that was instilled in them since birth.  Sirius consults the wisest creature in the ocean as to why the fire children are forbidden to mix with the sea children and is told that the Queen of Fire and her brother, the King of the Sea, used to be really close but the evil Lord of Air drove a wedge between them.  Since then, the two nations have been forbidden to interact.  Sirius doesn't care and is intent on making Malta his cousin-wife.  They learn that only during a full solar eclipse, a particular flower on a particular hill blooms and the blossoms will take the lovers to a star where fire and water can live happily together.

Yeah, so if you liked Romeo & Juliet but wished there had been more incest, this is the movie for you.  It's not good in any sense of the word.  The story is trite, the animation is basic, and the dubbing is awful.  But, like I said, it's on YouTube in its entirety if you're curious.

Nocturnal Animals (2016)

  This movie was a trash fire from start to finish.  Do yourself a favor and don't watch it.

Susan (Amy Adams) lives a beautiful, empty life in Los Angeles but feels unfulfilled.  Then she gets a novel in the mail from and written by her ex-husband (Jake Gyllenhaal).  She starts reading and finds herself drawn in to the story of a man (Jake Gyllenhaal) whose beautiful redhead wife (Isla Fisher) and daughter (Ellie Bamber) are brutally murdered by a gang of scofflaws and his attempts to find justice with a grizzled detective (Michael Shannon).

This was written and directed by Tom Ford, who is best known as a fashion designer.  This film is beautiful and as empty as a suit on a hanger.  It's not art.  It doesn't have anything in particular to say. In fact, I would go so far as to call it deliberately mean-spirited, especially with regard to its female characters.  They are objects in this film.  Sometimes objects of beauty, but always objects.

What makes me even madder is that this is really well-constructed as a film.  There are no wasted shots.  Everything is gorgeously framed.  It is paced well and maintains tension throughout.  The performances are excellent.  That all that effort and skill went into making something so misogynistic and hateful just makes me livid.

It was nominated for Best Supporting Actor for Michael Shannon but that really was a wasted nomination.  Shannon is good in everything but this was not his best work, probably not even his best work in 2016.

Angels and Demons (2009)

  This was the best poster I could find in my usual cursory search of the internet.  I'm not in love with it.  It kind of looks like Tom Hanks has terrible dandruff.

Professor Robert Langdon (Tom Hanks) is called to the Vatican after four cardinals are kidnapped on the eve of Conclave, when a new Pope is chosen.  A note purportedly from the Illuminati claims responsibility and threatens that the entirety of Vatican City will be destroyed at midnight.  A beautiful researcher from CERN (Ayelet Zurer) confirms that a vial of antimatter has been stolen and is most likely being used as a bomb.  Langdon must solve the clues of the Illuminati's ancient path to enlightenment before all four cardinals are killed in order to try and find the bomb.

This is based on a Dan Brown novel, actually a prequel to The Da Vinci Code but less well known until after the success of that book.  I don't know why anyone would make it into a movie, much less make three of them, but this is the world that we live in.

I suppose it's not a terrible film if you like paint-by-numbers thrillers lacking in thrills.  I think there are better ways to spend your time.  I won't be holding onto it.

Kingsman: The Golden Circle (2017)

  As you may have guessed, getting out to see new movies has been pretty difficult but I did manage it at least once this last month.

Eggsy (Taran Egerton) is back as Agent Galahad, full-fledged operative for the Kingsmen.  His life is going pretty well, all things considered, until an unexpected attack on Kingsman headquarters and all known residences of operatives destroys the organization.  Eggsy and Merlin (Mark Strong) are the only two apparent survivors, so they have to enact the Doomsday Protocol, which turns out to be a bottle of whiskey from Statesman distillery.  They investigate and discover a sister intelligence organization in Kentucky.  Meanwhile, the head of an enormous drug cartel, Poppy (Julianne Moore), announces that all drug users have been infected with a virus that will kill them if she doesn't receive immunity and immediate legalization from the President of the United States (Bruce Greenwood).  With the help of Agents Whiskey (Pedro Pascal) and Ginger (Halle Berry), Galahad and Merlin must track down the antidote to Poppy's virus before a significant chunk of the population succumbs to death.

The Golden Circle is not as bad as people have been saying.  It had an almost impossible job of living up to its predecessor so it did what it could.  It succeeds mostly in how it expands the world and in the character development of Eggsy.  Everything else is just icing.  I think it's also helpful that its coming a few years after the first one.  I would suggest the third part (because you know there'll be a third) follow that trend so that the jokes and the violence don't become grating and expected.  You have to give the audience a chance to miss you before you come back with part three.

The Dark Knight Rises (2012)

Tyler and I finally finished up the Nolan Batman trilogy.  He liked it but also felt like it was rough going.

Okay, so those two sentences were all I managed last weekend.  The good news is that I just got laid off so now I should have more free time in between crying jags and frantically searching for new jobs on CareerBuilder.com.  Look on the bright side, right?

Originally posted 24 Jul 2102.  7/2/13 So I rewatched this one now that Rob bought it on blu-ray.  I still think it was good, it just can't compare to its predecessor.    Again, I was in Alabama all weekend showing off Rob to my family, praying they wouldn't kill and eat him, and that's why there were no posts til now.  I'd like to say that I was doing it out of respect for the victims of the Colorado midnight premiere massacre (and I certainly will not be making light out of their tragedy) but it's because I was busy running around with family members.

Ironically enough, Christy, Rob and I did not go to the midnight showing in my small town because the last time Christy had gone to one a bomb threat was called in and she and her brother had to evacuate the theater.  So we had to wait until the next day.  And, yes, we went anyway because I will be damned if I let some asshole with Ronald McDonald hair keep me from seeing the finale to one of the best, if not the best, superhero series of all time. 

And don't get me started on that hair.  I am by no means a legal expert but I will guarangoddamntee you that fucker dyed his hair and told police he was "the Joker" as a pre-emptive plea for insanity in case he didn't get shot.  As if a real obsessed fan wouldn't know that the Joker's hair is GREEN, not red.  This is my argument for when those talking heads on TV bring up the inevitable "Are Violent Movies to Blame for the Ruining of Our Nation?!" claptrap.  There will always be nutcakes who use the excuse of outside stiumli being to blame for their fucked up actions.  It's not true.  It never has been.  I personally have known people who simply wanted to know what it felt like to kill another human being and acted on the impulse instead of ranting in a chatroom like a normal person.  They're in jail now.  (The victim made a full recovery, FYI.)  Are they still despicable?  Yes, but at least they didn't try and blame music or movies or video games for why they were the way they were.

I'm done now.  I didn't even really know I was going to spew all that out but it just makes me so mad.  This is why we can't have nice things!

The movie itself was about a hair's-breadth from Completely Depressing but was saved by one of the most kickass endings in cinema.  Despite being put through the ringer for nearly two and a half hours, we walked out of that theater starry-eyed and filled with hope.  I will endeavor to not have any spoilers.

It has been eight years since the events in The Dark Knight and Bruce Wayne (Christian Bale) has become a virtual shut-in.  During a memorial service celebrating the succes of the Dent Act, a saucy cat burgler (Anne Hathaway) breaks into his manor and lifts his fingerprints from a safe.  Meanwhile, a young policeman named John Blake (Joseph Gordon-Levitt) finds evidence of a terrorist army gathering under Gotham's streets in the sewer system, led by masked mercenary Bane (Tom Hardy).  In the absence of Batman's involvement, Bane manages to capture the entire city and hold it hostage.

Once again, this is not the uplifting part.  It gets really depressing.  Alfred (Michael Caine) in particular is a real Debbie Downer the whole movie.  But stick with it because, I promise you, the ending will make you a Nolan believer all over again.