Tomorrowland (2015)

  This is the Christy pick for September.  I'm catching up!  Slowly.

Casey Newton (Britt Robertson) is a girl genius who is trying very hard to keep hope alive.  She receives a pin from a mysterious little girl (Raffey Cassidy) and every time she touches it, she sees a beautiful vision of the future.  While trying to track down information about the pin, she is attacked by killer robots (Kathryn Hahn and Keegan-Michael Key) and eventually ends up at the home of disillusioned inventor Frank Walker (George Clooney).  Frank is the last person who knows how to get to Tomorrowland but was unceremoniously exiled and has no desire to go back.  Casey must convince him to help her before the entire world is destroyed.

This was a much more obviously liberal film than I might have imagined.  It rests a lot on the idea that children are the future because they still care and that adults are just too mired down in depression and self-serving attitudes to notice that they are turning everything into a dystopian wasteland.  Sure, yes, it's hopeful but it's also predicating the salvation of the human race by moving all the geniuses to an alternate dimension we haven't fucked up yet.  I'm not sure that's any better of an idea than letting a plague loose and starting over from scratch.  The naivety here really soured what would have otherwise been a pleasantly empty experience.

Don't get me wrong.  I absolutely believe that we as a species should funnel more money into science and technology that helps fight poverty and hunger and that we should never stop trying to innovate and push the boundaries of what's possible.  But I am also resigned to the fact that most people are dumb, panicky animals who hate change and will do almost anything to maintain the status quo even against their own best interest.

Agent Cody Banks 2: Destination London (2004)

Happy Black Friday, everyone!  I know, I missed posting on the holiday (Thanksgiving, for all you non-Americans who might be wondering who the hell has a holiday on a random Thursday) but I was busy stuffing my face.  I came home around 9 PM and suffered through this movie for you guys while fighting off a food coma.  You're welcome.    This was a terrible movie.  I never saw the first one and this was part of the Bowen largesse so it's not like I paid for it, but damn.  This movie was awful.

Cody Banks (Frankie Muniz) is a 16-year-old CIA agent tasked with an undercover mission to track down his former mentor (Keith Allen), who has stolen a prototype mind-control device and fled to London.  Cody's cover is that he is a musical prodigy in England to join a youth orchestra, despite having no musical talent.  But that's okay, because the CIA is willing to spend millions of dollars outfitting him with a clarinet that plays by itself, as well as Mentos that double as explosives and a pen that is also a grappling hook.

Honestly, I get it.  You (the producers of this film) wanted a teen James Bond to capitalize on those sweet, sweet under-21 dollars.  You didn't care if the plot made sense.  It's a sequel, anyway.  So what if you couldn't get anyone from the first movie to come back except for Frankie Muniz.  You got Anthony Anderson.  That's something.

I have no idea if the first Cody Banks movie was any good.  I can't imagine it was but then, I am not even close to the target audience for this.  I'm going to give this DVD to my godchildren and see if they like it.

Not Another Repost

Okay, I was going to repost my review of Suicide Squad because I got the extended edition so Christy could see it but I don't like reposting if it's been less than a year.  (I assume most of you readers are kind of like goldfish and forget stuff if it's been longer than that.  And/or you're too lazy to go through the archives.  God knows I am.)  So I am not going to do that.

Instead, we're going to talk about TV.  I am so far behind, you guys, it is unreal.  I finally made myself catch up on some stuff because my DVR was at 94% and I didn't want it to start deleting episodes I hadn't seen yet.

I am up to present on season 2 of Scream Queens.  I really thought this was going to be a one-and-done kind of show.  Like, there was no way they could keep it interesting through a second season but I am kind of loving the hospital angle.  They brought back all the characters I love and their crop of guest stars has been on point.

Ash vs Evil Dead is also on its second season and I am also totally in love.  Lucy Lawless is awesome and I'm glad they found a way to bring her back.  This show is hilarious and completely gross, with enough fake blood to fill the Suez Canal.  If you are not watching it, you should be.  I'm only about four episodes in to this season so far but I'm a fan.

For even more horror, Agents of S.H.I.E.LD. is featuring Ghost Rider as a character in its fourth season.  And it doesn't suck!  I was surprised, too.  I know that show has a lot of detractors but I have personally found it to be a welcome addition to the canon.  Plus, it's a good way for Marvel to use characters they have the rights to but don't necessarily want to make feature films out of yet.

And to bridge over into more superheroes, CBS sold Supergirl to the CW so it's technically in its first season again but I'm pretty sure they're still calling it season two.  I was on the fence about season one.  It was okay but I never really felt a connection to it.  The best episodes from last year were the crossovers with The Flash so I think CW is really where it should have been from the beginning.  It's home now, though, so things should be looking up.  I am not caught up on this one so it still might go sideways on me but I am optimistic at the moment.

I also have Blunt Talk, Blindspot, The Voice, Elementary, and Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency, all of which are returning (except for Dirk Gently) and none of which I have watched so far.  Plus, the new (3rd!) season of The Librarians started recording last night.  This is like Sisyphus's boulder being pushed up a hill only to roll to the bottom as soon as it gets close to the top.  I watch episodes and delete them but new ones keep getting recorded and I'm back up to 94% full!  I'm going to try to get it under 90% so I can switch over to movies again before this weekend.  Wish me luck!

Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them (2016)

  Christy talked me into seeing this yesterday and it was one of the best movie choices she's made in years.  I never liked the Harry Potter series.  I think I was just this side of too old to care about any of the characters.  Some day I'll go back and revisit them (which is a recurring theme lately) and see if they've improved with age but for now, I am all in on the Fantastic Beasts franchise.

Newt Scamander (Eddie Redmayne) is a British wizard visiting New York City in 1926 ostensibly to see a breeder about a particular beast, but he almost immediately runs afoul of the United States Magical Congress. A disgraced former agent, Tina (Katherine Waterston), arrests Newt and charges him with various offenses but her bosses don't seem to care as they are busy investigating unexplained unnatural phenomena that threatens to expose magic to non-magical humans.  Newt's suitcase --which contains a vast array of endangered magical creatures-- is accidentally switched with that of Jacob Kowalski (Dan Fogler), a plain vanilla human who just wants to open a bakery.  Jacob accidentally releases a handful of creatures, forcing Newt, Tina, and her sister Queenie (Alison Sudol) to search for them before they can be used as an excuse to justify extreme measures by the Magical Congress.  Meanwhile, one of the top investigators, Graves (Colin Farrell), is quietly undertaking his own research by wheedling information from an abused ward (Ezra Miller) of a fanatical anti-witch sect leader (Samantha Morton).  Graves knows what has been causing the disturbances and is desperate to get his hands on it before anyone else.

This had a ton of hype from its inception because of the Harry Potter pedigree associated with it.  I was giving it even odds but now I am totally on board.  I read online that they've already planned to have five movies in the series and unless they totally fuck up the next one, they have my money already.

Finding Dory (2016)

  We had to follow the horror movie up with something animated.  I wanted to see this in theaters but I didn't get a chance.  I didn't hear great things about it, but it's Pixar so even if it's crap, it's better than 90% of the rest of animated movies released in a year.

Dory (Ellen DeGeneres) is living pretty happily with Marlin (Albert Brooks) and Nemo (Hayden Rolence) on the reef but she can't help feeling like she's missing a family of her own.  Fragmented memories surface, leading her on another oceanic journey to find her parents (Diane Keaton and Eugene Levy).

Ok, yes, it is almost the exact same plot set up as Finding Nemo.  That does not matter in the slightest.  It is almost too adorable for words with lots of new characters, as well as returning favorites.  Baby Dory was so cute I couldn't function and Hank the octopus (Ed O'Neill) is my new spirit animal.  There were some issues with pacing I will admit, but overall this was a great new addition to my library.

The Conjuring 2 (2016)

  I wasn't going to get this one since Anabelle was such a disappointment but I needed to find a horror movie to watch with Christy.  It's immersion therapy.

Ed (Patrick Wilson) and Lorraine Warren (Vera Farmiga) have all but retired after the media firestorm of the Amityville case when their attention is turned to Enfield, England.  A young girl, Janet Hodgson (Madison Wolfe), has been experiencing all sorts of paranormal phenomena like teleportation, levitation, speaking in different voices, and generally creeping out everyone around her.    Ed and Lorraine are sent as emissaries of the Catholic Church, with other experts called in to investigate, including skeptic Anita Gregory (Franka Potente), who is convinced the girl is faking everything.

The Conjuring 2 lacks a lot of the atmosphere of the original, trading it for jump scares and a much more obvious Exorcist plot.  It's not terrible, though, mostly because of the acting quality and some really lovely imagery.  Farmiga and Wilson are great together, while Frances O'Connor absolutely nails her role as an overworked, stressed out, working class mother.  It suffers a little bit from sequel-itis but it's still miles better than some I've seen.

Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones (2002)

  I apologize for not posting yesterday.  Christy came up for a weekend and we were out running around and watching movies all day.  It was a good visit and great movies so definitely a win all around.

I had tried to watch Episode I but there are too many passages with strictly alien languages and no subtitle options on the server copy.  I have a DVD copy but I was too annoyed to bother with it so I just moved on to the second film.

I hated these prequels the first time I saw them. It's been over ten years now so I thought maybe the sense of betrayal would have faded.  After all, there are kids now who were born in those intervening years who have no idea what a dick-punch the prequels were.  They seem to like them okay.

Anakin (Hayden Christiansen) is now apprenticing to be a Jedi under Obi-Wan Kenobi (Ewan McGregor), although he is finding it very difficult to conform to the rules of the Order.  He is very excited to see former queen, now Senator, Padme (Natalie Portman) again even if it is because someone keeps trying to kill her.  Obi-Wan tracks the would-be assassin to a planet that has been wiped from Jedi records and learns that it is the base for an army of clones apparently ordered years before by a Jedi master who turned to the dark side.  Meanwhile, Anakin keeps having dreams about his mother (Pernilla August) being in danger so he and Padme return to Tatooine.  Then Anakin does a Bad Bad Thing and they leave, joining Obi-Wan to hunt down rebel Jedi Count Dooku (Christopher Lee).

I don't outright hate this film on principle anymore but it's still not very good.  Christiansen is annoying as fuck, Portman isn't given enough to do besides be beautiful, and there's so much emphasis on the CGI that everything else fades into the background.  It is the thinnest veneer of plots stretching around all the special effects and it just does not work.

Surf's Up (2007)

  This is the Christy pick for August.  I totally forgot to put it in my queue for a couple of months.

Cody Maverick (Shia LaBeouf) is an Antarctic penguin who dreams of being a surfing legend like his hero, Big Z.  He has talent but no training and no support.  Before the Big Z Memorial competition even begins, Cody gets trounced by the reigning champion, Tank (Diedrich Bader), and suffers a concussion and poisoning sting.  Lifeguard Lani (Zooey Deschanel) takes him to her Uncle Zeke (Jeff Bridges) for some healing.  Zeke teaches Cody the fundamentals of surfing and also how to have fun.

This is too predictable to be a great film but it's cute enough in its own way.  It's set up as a mockumentary, which is slightly more novel, and the animation is pretty to look at, especially the water.  I found myself nonplussed with the voice talent, which really could have made this film special.  It did get actual surfers Kelly Slater and Rob Machado, so there's that.

Eh.  That's pretty much all I can say about the movie.  Eh.  It's wasn't horrible, wasn't awesome.  It just kind of exists.  Suitable enough for one viewing but you'd probably want to avoid repeats.  There's only so much of James Woods as an angry Don King-esque otter that one person can stand.

Star Trek Into Darkness (2013)

Okay, it's been a little while so I thought I'd check back in and see if I still hated this movie.  Good news:  most of my vitriol has died away.  Bad news:  it's still the weakest point of the franchise.  I did better with Benedict Cumberbatch this time, since I was already over the initial betrayal.  I still think it was a bad choice but there's really nothing I can do about that.  The only new point of criticism I have is that the version on the server (because I'll be damned if I spend money on this) had hard-coded Dutch subtitles.  Normally, that's not an issue except for the bits that are in Klingon and would need English subtitles.  Christy is going to let me burn a copy of her DVD when she comes to visit so that should take care of that.  Otherwise, I really have nothing to add.

The semester is almost over.  Just bear with me a little longer.  Originally posted 19 May 2013.  Nominated for:  Best Visual Effects    You know how the original Star Trek movies started kind of shitty and only the even-numbered ones were worth watching?  The new series looks to be going in the opposite direction.  The first one was great.  This one not so much. 

After breaking the Prime Directive (can't be seen by or directly interfere with the progress of underdeveloped planet natives) in order to save Spock (Zachary Quinto) from a volcano, Kirk (Chris Pine) is busted down from Captain to First Officer.  Before the demotion can really sink in, however, he is summoned to Starfleet Headquarters to be briefed on a mysterious enemy named John Harrison (Benedict Cumberbatch) who has just blown up an archive in London.  Admiral Marcus (Peter Weller) orders them all to find Harrison and kill him.  Right then, Harrison shoots up their room, killing a bunch of officers.  Reinstated, Kirk asks for permission to go after Harrison with just the Enterprise, right into the Klingon homeworld, risking an all-out war if discovered.

I was happy to see Scotty (Simon Pegg) with a much bigger part this time but I wish there had been more for Uhura (Zoe Saldana) as well. As with the first movie, Spock is clearly the main character here.  Kirk is certainly very present but there's no character development like there is with Spock.  Peter Weller was awesomely creepy.  And then there's the villain.

You know what I hate?  Being lied to by film-makers. 

WARNING:  SPOILERS FOLLOW.

When word got out that the second new Star Trek movie was being made, everybody's mind went to Wrath of Khan.  All the film-makers involved denied that's what they were doing.  When Benedict Cumberbatch was hired to play the villain, I shudder to think how many times a day he was asked if he was playing Khan.  Denied, denied, denied.  He was playing a new villain named John Harrison.  That's what they said. 

And they fucking lied.

I understand that in this day and age, spoilers are ever present.  As a moviemaker, you want to preserve the mystery of your film so your audience can have a wondrous experience.  All I ask is that you not lie directly to my fucking face about it.  Play coy, refuse to answer, distract people with something else.  Do not outright lie.

And it didn't work.  That's the worst part.  They tried so hard to remake Wrath of Khan and they ended up sucking every ounce of newness from the franchise.  They tried to shoehorn in the most famous moments, despite them being out of character for the people involved, and just ended up tarnishing all the associated good memories. 

It made me really angry which, conversely, makes me really happy since it's been a while since I've gotten to really froth at the mouth about a movie. 

If you've never seen WoK or just aren't a big Trek fan in general, you'll probably enjoy this film more.  Taking away all the fan-specific stuff, it's just a big dumb action movie set in space.  Fun enough for a popcorn flick. 

Waiting for "Superman" (2010)

  Another day, another depressing documentary about how we're failing our future.

Do you have kids?  Have you gone through the nightmare of trying to find a good school district?  Does it seem really hopeless to look for a public school that isn't going to make your kids stupid?  There's a reason for that.

Waiting for Superman follows five or six kids from various parts of the country as they try to get into charter schools, which are public but are independent of school bureaucracy and have a 96% graduation and acceptance into college rate.  Because demand far exceeds supply, the schools have a lottery every year to see who gets in.  It's the only way to be scrupulously fair but it adds a level of cruel sport to a process that essentially determines a child's future.  The filmmakers peel back the layers to determine the root of the problem and discover a system of byzantine complexity between federal, state, and local funding, management, and union requirements that makes it almost impossible to fire bad teachers or reward good ones.  Programs intended to incentivize teachers by making their salaries merit-based up to six figures never even make it to a vote because the status quo is so firmly entrenched.

Let's face it.  The American school system is awful.  As of 2015, we are 29th in the world for reading and math among 15-year-olds.  Our universities are still pretty top-notch but less and less children are prepared for them.  As depressing as that is, it's not hopeless.  It just requires people to let go of this notion that "America is number one" and turning the focus on improving the way we do things.

Doctor Strange (2016)

  I gave up a night of sleep to go see this on Thursday.  I'd like to say I was totally in love with it but that would be lying.  Overall, it's a good movie.  It just didn't have the pizzazz I was hoping to see.

Dr. Stephen Strange (Benedict Cumberbatch) is a world-renowned neurosurgeon.  He's also a complete asshole. When his hands are crushed after a car accident, he spends every dime he has searching for a miracle cure, while belittling everyone he comes into contact with.  A physical therapist tells Strange of a patient named Pangborn (Benjamin Bratt) who completely recovered from near total paralysis.  Strange seeks out Pangborn and learns the man went to Nepal to seek enlightenment and found Kamar-Taj, the home of a group of mystic warriors who protect the Earth from multi-dimensional creatures.  Strange goes immediately to learn from the Ancient One (Tilda Swinton) but is drawn in to an ideological battle.  One of the Ancient One's pupils, Kaecilius (Mads Mikkelsen), has stolen pages from a dangerous book detailing how to free a creature that exists outside of time, Dormammu, in order to kill what he perceives to be the greatest threat to life:  time itself.  Strange must master these new lessons and make decisions that will impact all of the multiverse.

Ok, here's the thing:  I don't really like Benedict Cumberbatch.

I don't know why.  I am just so turned off by everything he does.  I have finally (after three seasons) become okay with him in Sherlock and I don't mind him as Smaug.  I enjoyed The Imitation Game but that was in spite of him, not because of him.  And here he has an American accent that just sounds super weird to me.  I am just totally biased against Benedict Cumberbatch and I have no idea why.  I'm working through it.  It's like immersion therapy.  I'll get to the point where I can see his face and not think "ugh, why?"

The best part of this movie is the Cloak of Levitation.  That is the greatest inanimate sidekick since the carpet from Aladdin.  I can't say a lot about it because it is all spoilers but that alone is enough for you to go see this film.  The other reason is the mid-credits sequence with Thor to set up Ragnarok.  I am so excited for that, I can hardly stand it.

On the scale of Marvel movies so far, this is trending down towards the bottom of the heap but it is necessary and important to have because it sets up so much stuff for the future.  It's good but not amazing.

Star Trek (2009)

I know I said I was going to move on to Star Wars but I had totally forgotten about the new Trek films.  I can't believe it's been five years since I've seen this movie.  Like, it makes sense considering I just watched the third one in the rebooted series but still.  This really did become an instant classic and it shows no sign of slowing down.  Originally posted 31 Dec 2011.    This movie became an instant classic the minute it hit movie screens which seemed to be a daunting challenge considering the rabid fan base this franchise has.  To completely revamp the established universe and replace every star with a younger, sexier version sounds great on paper but usually fails miserably.  But J. J. Abrams, fresh off of Lost and with money to burn, took this idea and turned it into pure magic.

It was nominated for four Academy Awards for Best Sound Editing, Best Sound Mixing, Best Visual Effects, and Best Makeup and won the last.  The entire movie is outstanding.

As you may have heard, space is the final frontier.  Out patrolling its vast reaches are the ships of the United Federation, one of which is the USS Kelvin when it is attacked by a Romulan ship.  The captain (Chris Hemsworth) stays behind to allow as many escape pods to make it to safety as possible, one of which contains his wife (Jennifer Morrison) and son.  Twenty years later, James Tiberius Kirk (Chris Pine) has grown into a cocky, headstrong yokel when he is coerced into becoming a cadet.  Proving himself brilliant but an asshole, Kirk designs a cheat for the unbeatable final test, earning him the enmity of the test's designer, Commander Spock (Zachary Quinto), a half-Vulcan, half-human.  Before Kirk can get expelled, however, there is a distress call from the planet Vulcan and all the ships are mobilized.  Kirk makes it onboard the USS Enterprise with some help from his friend, Bones (Karl Urban) and sets about trying to convince the captain that the distress call is actually a trap from the same Romulan ship that killed his father.  From there, the movie gets too epic to describe so you're just going to have to watch it for yourself.

Seriously, I think this movie should come standard on every single multimedia device that will support it.  I don't know a single person who saw it and didn't like it.  Even people who never saw the television series (any of them) and who didn't get all the inside jokes liked this movie.  Although how you could manage to make it to your thirties without having seen even a rerun of Star Trek is kind of a mystery to me but whatever.  This movie is fantastic.  Watch it now.

Robot and Frank (2012)

  This was so cute but also super sad.  I was not prepared.

Frank (Frank Langella) is a retired cat burglar who's son (James Marsden) gets him a robot companion (Peter Sarsgaard) to help around the house and keep Frank's mind occupied.  Frank sees the robot as a threat to his independence but soon starts to realize the potential of a machine that can make thousands of calculations in a second and has no moral compass.  He trains the robot how to pick locks and begins to search for a suitable target, finally settling on rich douche Jake (Jeremy Strong), who is closing the local library.

I signed up for a cute story of man and robot robbing people and instead I get a sucker punch to the feels in the third act.  This is not a big, bombastic movie.  If you're in the mood for something quiet and funny with a great cast, give it a shot.  But maybe have something happy lined up for afterwards.