The Apartment (1964)

  Here's another classic "comedy" that has aged like milk.  Content warning:  attempted suicide

C.C. Baxter (Jack Lemmon) is an up-and-comer at Consolidated Life Insurance by virtue of being willing to loan his apartment out to executives and their mistresses.  He has a crush on elevator operator Fran Kubelik (Shirley MacLaine) but doesn't know that she has been seeing his boss, Mr. Sheldrake (Fred McMurray).

There are parts of this that are clearly set up to be funny.  They just don't make it anywhere close.  

Every man in this movie is disgusting, yes, including Baxter.  (I will give Dr. Dreyfuss a pass based on no incriminating evidence but he's on thin fucking ice.)  The executives treat their female co-workers like their own private safari, gleefully patting themselves on the back for their supposed conquests.  Baxter lies with every breath, and continues to carry water for these predators even after a woman nearly dies.

This is basically Sexual Harassment: The Movie.  Not a fan.  It's currently streaming on Criterion.  Watch something else.

The Woman in the Dunes (1964)

Happy Mother's Day!  Show your mom you appreciate her by not exploiting her labor.  Cut her a check today.  This is the Cinema Club pick for this week, paired with Showgirls, a film I already said I would never watch again.  Between that and last week's Eurovision, feeling very attacked by Movie Club's choices.  And then there's this piece of shit!  I thought, "oh, thank God, a Japanese film.  That can't possibly send blood shooting out of my ears like a cartoon oil rig."  WRONG.  Content warning:  domestic violence, attempted sexual assault, ectopic pregnancy

An entomologist (Eiji Okada) is out bug-hunting in the dunes of the Japanese coast.  He gets so into his search that he misses his train but the friendly local villagers offer him a place to stay.  It's a little weird that he has to climb down a rope ladder to a little house practically buried in the sand but the lady (Kyôko Kishida) inside is super hospitable.  The next morning, of course, the ladder is gone and he is dumbfounded to realize that he is now the metaphorical bug in a jar.  See, the villagers ran a cost-benefit analysis and found that slave labor is way cheaper than paying for countermeasures against erosion.  And the eponymous woman is no help in escaping.  She's been fully indoctrinated and is just thrilled to be given a new man after her last one died.

My first problem is that this movie is two and a half hours long when Rod Serling would have smoked two packs of cigarettes and knocked this same concept out in 23 minutes.  It's a good concept.  It's made well.  The hits keep coming every time you've absorbed one.  All well and good.  But too long.

My second problem is that the protagonist is an asshole.  I get it.  Unlawful confinement, forced labor, the impersonal cruelty of one's captors.  It's hard to maintain a cherub-like demeanor.  But he not only despises this woman for being a stooge for her slavers, he also demands her unpaid labor for himself.  When she works all night, comes in, and he makes her cook dinner and bathe him?  I screeched like a newly hatched cicada.

This is considered a landmark in Japanese and art-house cinema and if I overlook the baked-in misogyny, I can see it.  It's streaming on the Criterion Channel and so is Showgirls, for probably the same reason.

Grandma (2015)

  Hey, remember when women had rights to bodily autonomy?  Good times. Content warning:  teenage pregnancy, discussion of abortion

Elle (Lily Tomlin) had just broken up with her newest girlfriend (Judy Greer) when her teenaged granddaughter, Sage (Julia Garner), shows up at her door asking for $650 for an abortion.  Generally not a problem, but Elle had cut up all her credit cards in a fit of ecstasy after paying them all off and has no ready cash.  So Elle and Sage set off on a road trip around town, hitting up all of Elle's friends and enemies for money.  

There are several movies that center on a race against time.  This is the first one I think I've seen centered on women's healthcare.  Elle is a militant second-wave feminist with very strong beliefs while Sage is a millennial just trying to correct a mistake.  Tomlin is borderline unlikeable here, with almost none of her trademark humor, but retains enough sympathy to be compelling, mostly in what she doesn't say.  It's nuanced even when it seems in-your-face.  Garner is new to me, but nails the slightly sheltered waif role.  There are cameos from Laverne Cox, John Cho, and Elizabeth Peña, and supporting turns from Marcia Gay Harden and Sam Elliott so star power isn't a problem.

It's not a movie I'm likely to ever watch again.  There wasn't enough of something, either humor or pathos, to make it compelling for me.  I do think it's an interesting film and it's streaming on Hulu if you want to give it a shot but it's a one-and-done for me.

Serving Sara (2002)

  The early 00s were not a great time for movies.  There's a lot of frat boy bullshit, gross-out humor, and over-sexualization of women dragging what would otherwise be a halfway decent comedy down.  Content warning:  transphobia, homophobia

Joe (Matthew Perry) is a process server, meaning he tracks down people who don't want to go to court and hands them subpoenas.  He is contracted to serve Sara Moore (Elizabeth Hurley), who doesn't realize she is about to be divorced from her cattle baron husband, Gordon (Bruce Campbell).  See, if Gordon files first in Texas, Sara will get nothing.  But if she files in New York, she'll get half of the $20 million estate.  Joe agrees to help her turn the tables in exchange for 10% of her settlement, but doesn't count on a vengeful rival (Vincent Pastore) trying to gum up the works.

I saw this on cable with my mom in probably 2004 or 2005 but we didn't catch the beginning of it.  I was sold because it had Liz Hurley and it was cute enough.  This watch, however... yikes on bikes.  Campbell comes out the best here with supporting turns from Terry Crews and Amy Adams.  Perry and Hurley have no chemistry together, although Hurley is doing her level best.  There's only so far hotness can take you.

It's streaming on Freevee, Amazon's ad-supported service, but I can't really recommend it.  Everyone involved has made better movies and life is only so long.

The Land Before Time (1988)

  Did you know this movie has 14 sequels?  And it is only an hour and 8 minutes long?  That technically makes it a short, not a feature film.  

An orphaned brontosaurus named Littlefoot (Gabriel Damon) travels with four other baby dinosaurs to reach the Great Valley, a rumored land filled with food where their families are waiting for them.  

I must have watched this movie 100 times as a kid.  Happily, it still holds up really well, maybe because it's only 68 minutes.  There's no faffing about.  The animation isn't as crisp as modern works but it still has that Don Bluth magic to it.  I cannot speak to the rest of the sequels for quality, as I am frankly baffled by their existence, but Land Before Time remains a stone-cold classic.  It's currently streaming on Netflix.

Funny Games (1997)

  Leave it to the Germans to weaponize politeness.  Content warning:  child death (off-screen), animal death (off-screen), mild gore, bullshit deus ex machina shenanigans

A family looking forward to a week at their lake house are terrorized by a pair of unnamed psychos.

This is supposed to be one of the Big Bads of French/German horror.  You will find glowing reviews calling it "blood-curdling", "terrifying", and suchlike.  But not here, baby!  

Don't get me wrong.  It starts off okay, ramping up the tension as the family slowly realizes that they are in serious trouble.  But then it stalls out for like 40 of the most boring minutes in the history of film.  And the last ten minutes are a smug, condescending, cheap cop-out.  I'm not going to spoil the twist, but know that I hated it.

This isn't as good as You're Next or even The Strangers.  But a lot of people who aren't me liked it a whole bunch so maybe you will too.  It's streaming on (sigh) Max and the Criterion Channel.  There's a shot-for-shot American remake if you don't feel like reading subtitles.

Bad Moms (2016)

  This is a terrible unfunny movie that doesn't understand womanhood, much less motherhood, because it was written by two men.

Amy (Mila Kunis) struggles to balance her roles as wife and mother with her part-time but really full-time job.  When her husband (David Walton) gets caught cheating and the PTA president mean girl, Gwendolyn (Christina Applegate), starts harassing her for not participating enough, Amy has had it.  She decides to radically dial back her efforts and take some time for herself, forging friendships with two other equally harried moms (Kristen Bell and Kathryn Hahn).

This movie is so fucking stupid and I think I figured out why.  There are zero consequences to anything.  Because men don't have consequences.  Amy kicks her husband out and starts driving his sports car instead of her minivan (because she is now a Cool Mom) because her part-time job at a coffee co-op covers the mortgage?  And he's definitely not ever going to want his car again?  In fact, he never brings it up.  And he's somehow a deadbeat slacker man-child but instantly ready and reliable enough to take both their kids indefinitely for her second-act nadir?  She immediately starts sleeping with the Hot Widower Dad (which, also, ew) but somehow that's not the same as her cheating husband?  None of the decisions in this movie make any sense unless you treat Amy like a man.  Then they all do.

I'm not going to even discuss the disgusting way the movie treats stay-at-home mom Kiki's emotional abuse as a punchline.  Also shown with zero repercussions when she finally tells her overbearing husband to "stop being a pussy" over childcare.  An act that could put real women in the ER with an excuse about walking into a door.

This movie really wants to be making a point about the emotional labor women do that goes unnoticed but to do that, it would have to remove its head from its own ass and it didn't get approved for that surgery because its male doctor thinks it's just hysteria.  The only halfway decent part is the series of interviews between the main actresses and their actual moms playing over the credits.  That is cute and heartwarming but not nearly worth sitting through the hour and 45 minute runtime.

Christy gave me the digital copy when she bought it so at least I didn't pay any money to see this and by deleting it off my server, I now have some free space for other, better movies.