Wicked: Part One (2024)

  You people have no idea how much I loved the musical Wicked.  It's one of the only things I've seen twice (once in New York and once in D.C.).  I was utterly terrified when they announced a movie adaptation and had resigned myself to waiting until the dust settled before seeing it.  Then I got invited by a friend group to go to the theater and I couldn't say no (I'm the Yes friend).  

Born of a different complexion and possessed of incredible magical talent, Elphaba (Cynthia Erivo) has never fit in but finds herself offered the chance to study with the Grand Sorceress, Madame Morrible (Michelle Yeoh) at university.  This immediately puts her at odds with perky, rich Galinda (Ariana Grande) who craved Morrible's attention for herself.  Unexpected acts of kindness on both sides bring the two girls together but their friendship may not survive Elphaba's growing conviction that the Talking Animals of Oz are being systematically targeted for repression and destruction.  

The stage musical is only two and a half hours long start-to-finish so splitting the movie into two halves feels like a shameless cash grab.  I don't know if they're going to add more info from the book (which is nowhere near as fluffy and fun) or if they're just planning to stretch out the musical's second half the way they did the first.  We'll find out next year, I guess.

Obviously, Erivo and Grande can both sing and act.  I'm not the biggest fan of Grande (there's something really hollow about her that I can't quite put my finger on) but she is perfectly cast.  Jonathan Bailey will be recognizable to the Bridgerton crowd but this was my first exposure.  He plays Hot Himbo very well.  Jeff Goldblum was a surprisingly good singer.  Not sure why I thought he wouldn't be but I was still surprised.  Sadly, Michelle Yeoh is not strong on the one verse Morrible gets but A) she is a divine being and I forgive her anything and B) the role is mostly about acting and she's great at that.  I think I would have been even more lenient if the movie hadn't had Keala "This is Me" Settle in the fucking chorus line.  How are you gonna sideline-- You know, it's too early for my blood pressure to get that high.  We're going to let it go.

Speaking of "Let It Go" there are cameos from the original stars Idina Menzel and Kristen Chenoweth for the die-hards.  I feel like I shouldn't have to say this but it did come up in my screening: there is no post-credit sequence so you can leave whenever you're done.

It's a movie musical about female friendship and political activism with a pink and green color scheme.  You already know if that's going to be your jam or not.  Currently only in theaters.

Beautiful Creatures (2013)

Man, I did not remember more than a third of this movie, and nothing of the ending.  Ehrenreich continues to be the best thing about it.  He is effortlessly charming in a movie that rewards him not at all for it.  Englert is still stiff as a board but she did contribute a song to the soundtrack, I discovered.  Her character is written so blandly it's hard to hold her at fault.  Originally posted 27 May 2013.  This wasn't as bad as I thought it would be.  It's not great, but it didn't make me want to gouge out my eyes with a grapefruit spoon either.  

Ethan Wate (Alden Ehrenreich) has lived in the tiny South Carolina town of Gatlin his entire life.  A life that has been exceptionally boring until the arrival of Lena Duchannes (Alice Englert).  Lena is no ordinary girl, you see, as she comes from a family of magic users.  Every female of the family is chosen by either the Light or the Dark on their sixteenth birthday, without much in the way of say in the matter.  Lena's cousin Ridley (Emmy Rossum), for example, was chosen by the Dark and is now a man-eating, couture-wearing, Grade-A bitch on wheels.  Her family doesn't want Lena to go down the same path and they don't want her distracted by a cute boy just before the choice is made.

A lot of this movie made absolutely no sense and raised more questions than it answered.  I could probably look up answers, (I'm sure they're based on the book) but I don't care.  It's not worth that much interest.  The only thing that elevates this from Twilight is the charisma of its stars and much better dialogue.  Ehrenreich in particular manages to hold his own on screen with powerhouses like Emma Thompson, Viola Davis, and Jeremy Irons.  That's no mean feat.  Englert is a bit more generic as a leading lady but she's pretty and I'm sure she'll get work.

Pieces of April (2003)

  This had to be a Movie Club pick because I would never have chosen this.  Content warning: cancer

April (Katie Holmes) has invited her estranged family over for Thanksgiving.  But when her oven goes out while her boyfriend (Derek Luke) is out on an errand, April knocks on every door in their apartment complex, desperately trying to find an alternate stove.  

I would never have picked this because the synopsis didn't sound interesting, I don't particularly like Katie Holmes, and I really don't like micro-budget indie dramas about Feelings.  And I would have missed out.  This was super-relatable on a lot of levels.  I, too, have been the Child Who Left and I also have a Complicated Relationship with my mother.  I have tried to plan a dinner and been overwhelmed at the thought of cooking a whole-ass turkey because Things Just Have to Go Right or Else.  

Families are hard.  They're hard when you like them and more when you don't.  And we are nose-diving straight into Family Season here for the next two months.  So give yourself a break.  Take a breath, go low- or no-contact if you need to.  Just cause they birthed you doesn't obligate you to tolerate shit you wouldn't from a stranger.  Love them when and how you can.  Love yourself too.

This is streaming on Tubi, Roku, the CW channel, and PlutoTV.  All with ads.  Sorry.

The Phantom of the Paradise (1974)

  This movie is bananapants bonkers and I don't know if I love it for itself as much as I love the idea of inflicting it on others.  But I love the latter reason a whole lot.  Content warning:  drug use, mild gore

Winslow Leach (William Finley) has spent his life writing a major cantata of the story of Faust only to see it stolen and bastardized by pop music impresario Swan (Paul Williams).  Discredited, disfigured, and disgusted, Leach sets out to sabotage Swan's music palace, The Paradise, only to succumb to the lure of fame and the talent of Phoenix (Jessica Harper), his muse and unrequited love.  But when Swan sets his greedy sights on Phoenix, Winslow knows he must destroy the monster once and for all.

There is A LOT to unpack in this movie.  It is Faust, Phantom of the Opera, The Picture of Dorian Grey, and a searing satire of Phil Specter and the history of rock-n-roll all tossed in a blender with a fuckload of cocaine and directed by giallo-noir pioneer Brian DePalma with a soundtrack of parody and an actual Faust musical written by the Muppets' "Rainbow Connection" guy who is also the villain of the movie.  Somehow it came out a year before Rocky Horror which feels like the fakest part but is true.  

In the words of the prophet Stefani, it is B-A-N-A-N-A-S.  

This was a major flop that has become kind of a cult classic but still isn't hugely known.  It's streaming on Amazon Prime and words truly do not do it justice.  If you liked Rocky Horror and its very lesser-known sequel, Shock Treatment, this will feel like a long-lost sister film.  If you didn't, stay far away.  

Venom 3: The Last Dance (2024)

  I saw this in October but my posting schedule was so packed I didn't want it to get lost in the shuffle.

Eddie Brock (Tom Hardy) and his symbiote Venom (also Tom Hardy) are on the run after things went pear-shaped in San Francisco.  Not only are they wanted by law enforcement in several states, they are also being hunted by an inter-dimensional monster called a Phage that wants them to unlock the astral prison of Nhull (Andy Serkis), the evil god of symbiotes.  

Normally, I think you can walk into a superhero movie with basic knowledge and you'll be fine.  This is not one of those times.  I don't know if I was just at my processing capacity for the week or if it had been too long between installments, but I needed a primer.  So make sure you refresh yourself on the previous two movies as well as the mid-credit sequence from No Way Home before you fire this up.  I think it will help a lot.

On its own merit, this is probably the weakest entry and I'm a little sad this is how it's going out, since it started so strong.  It felt wishy-washy and unsure of its direction which kind of also works as a metaphor for Sony-owned Marvel properties as a whole.  

When the movie works, it does so because of Tom Hardy's dual performance as Eddie interacting with Venom.  There's still magic there.  Everything else feels tacked on and generic.  It's still in theaters but it'll be coming out on streaming for the holiday season I would imagine.

The Unsinkable Molly Brown (1964)

  This wasn't nearly as good as I thought it would be.  

Molly (Debbie Reynolds) grew up poor and uneducated in the hinterlands of Colorado but determined that she was going to make something of herself... by becoming a rich man's wife.  John J. Brown (Harve Presnell) is technically rich but he doesn't care enough to show it.  He decides to woo Molly based on her personality but she very quickly informs him that he's going to have to put up or shut up.  So he becomes the richest man in the U.S.  Molly now has her dream of financial security, but it doesn't come with social inclusion.  The head of Denver society, Mrs. Gladys McGraw (Audrey Christie), has decided the Browns are too crass to associate with and given them the cut direct.  So Molly goes to Europe to gain a little sophistication, hobnobbing with aristocrats charmed by her directness and willingness to pick up the check.  But J.J. is tired of it.  He only ever participated to make Molly happy and as soon as he realized that was an ever-shifting goalpost, he was out.  Molly has to choose between her marriage and her posh friends, deciding once and for all what she really wants out of life.

Honestly, I was shocked anyone liked this broad.  Reynolds was almost terminally charming in real life but she grated on my nerves in this role.  She is the main character but all the big songs are given to Presnell.  For an introductory role!  And the songs themselves are terrible!  Repetitive and boring.  Reynolds deserved better than this.  Ed Begley, Sr. and Hermione Baddeley try but can't lift this movie out of the mire.  It's streaming for free on Tubi and I'd still like my money back.

In other news, I watched season 2 of Cheers, which still holds up pretty well, and season 1 of What We Do in the Shadows.  I liked it more than the movie so I'll probably watch season 2 eventually.  

Pearl Harbor (2001)

  The veterans and victims of Pearl Harbor deserved better than this.  Content warning:  war violence, blood

Two best friends, Rafe (Ben Affleck) and Danny (Josh Hartnett), join the Navy to become pilots.  Rafe chafes at being stuck stateside while war ravages Europe and takes an assignment to join the RAF in England, leaving his girl, Evelyn (Kate Beckinsale), behind.  Danny gets stationed in Hawaii and lo and behold, so does Evelyn.  Rafe gets shot down, presumed dead, and in their grief, Danny and Evelyn turn to each other.  Rafe returns, is unreasonably angry that people moved on, and throws the whole relationship into disarray.  Then the Japanese launch a surprise attack against the U.S. Navy ships stationed in Pearl Harbor in retaliation for cutting Japan's access to heating oil and suddenly, this love triangle seems a lot less important.

There's a decent Pearl Harbor film buried somewhere beneath the tons of melodramatic crap in this movie, but it would take a team of skilled editors to find it.  It was apparently written by Randall Wallace, the writer of Braveheart, a film whose dialogue is also silly and overwrought but carried far better by its actors.  I get that he was probably trying for Douglas Sirk melodrama levels but come on.  That's like comparing a toddler crying in a tutu to the Bolshoi.  

You know how I feel about Michael Bay.  

This is a three-hour bloated mess of tragedy porn and it's currently streaming on Hulu.