X-Men Origins: Wolverine (2009)

  The French poster looks like Wolverine screamed until he gave himself a boner.

Wolverine (Hugh Jackman) and his brother Sabretooth (Liev Schreiber) are immortal killing machines.  They fight in war after war until finally being recruited by Colonel Stryker (Danny Huston).  Wolverine leaves Stryker's little guerilla group after it becomes clear that morals are a thing of the past.  However, Stryker is determined to make Wolverine into Weapon X, an adamantium-clad supersoldier.  When that goes horribly wrong, he tries again with Weapon 11 and Wolverine has to come back and save everyone.

Do I even need to discuss how shitty this movie was?  I don't think I do.  It pretty much single-handedly sank Marvel's plans of doing an Origins series on lesser-known characters.  Like the Deadpool movie which is still dead in the water. 

But let's discuss why it's so shitty, shall we?

There's the bad CGI, which they have no excuse for.  It was 2009 and they were rolling in cash from the previous movies.  And it's pervasive bad CGI but not uniformly bad CGI.  There are good moments sprinkled therein, which is just heartbreaking.  If they were all bad you could make a case for them.

There's Will.i.am, Taylor Kitsch, and Lynn Collins.  That's three different flavors of box office poison.  I have nothing against Will.i.am as a musician but he's not exactly Pacino as an actor.  He seems to do well with animated fare.  Maybe he should just stick to that and kind of work his way up.  As for the other two, Collins and Kitsch were both in John Carter and then Kitsch went on to suck in Battleship.  I think that pretty much says it all.

I wasn't a huge fan of the baby Wolverine storyline, either.  Besides the fact that Victor Creed (Sabretooth) was never related to Wolverine, I found the idea of tracing him back to the 1850's to be ridiculous.  To quote Patton Oswalt:  "I don't care where the stuff I love comes from.  I just love the stuff I love."  There was no need for a detailed backstory.  The man is a mystery, let him stay that way. 

Oh, can we talk about Sabretooth's retarded running style?  This.  This right here.  Every time they showed him doing this it burned away some of my good will.

The inclusion of Emma Frost and Scott Summers is really only a fuck-up from a continuity standpont.  I think they were just trying to pack in as many recognizible characters as they could.  It didn't help.