I haven't seen this movie since I was probably in middle school. My brother is five years younger and he looooooved the Ninja Turtles. We had all three films on VHS. I am so old.
I have not seen the Michael Bay remakes because 1) I never really liked Ninja Turtles, 2) Michael Bay, and 3) whatever abomination this is:
So we're only going to focus on the original, which is godawful enough in its own right.
Reporter April O'Neal (Judith Hoag) is trying to hold City Hall accountable for the huge crime wave occurring in New York City when she is accosted by ninjas and gets knocked out. She wakes up in the sewer, surrounded by four giant turtles and a talking rat. Master Splinter (Kevin Clash - the same guy who voices Elmo) explains that he was just an ordinary rat until his master was killed by a rival, accidentally freeing him from his cage, and then exposed to a toxic spill in the sewer along with four baby turtles. The effects of the chemical increased their size and intelligence so Splinter named them and taught them ninjutsu so they could become the vigilante heroes the city needed. Their mission is to protect the good people against the Foot Clan, led by the villainous Shredder (James Saito).
Do I really have to tell you how terrible this movie is? Can I just say "1990 giant foam rubber turtle suits" and have you nod understandingly? How about "Corey Feldman voices Donatello"? Are you backing away slowly? "Baby Sam Rockwell, Skeet Ulrich, Scott Wolf, and Rick Gomez (Morgan from Chuck) as Foot Gang thugs"? NO, wait, that's actually adorable. Fuck. It's not worth it, guys! Save yourselves!
No comments:
Post a Comment