I know, this is so far removed from the ceremony I might as well not even bother. Under the old posting schedule, it would have gone out the next day after broadcast. But since I stopped posting on Mondays because I just can't balance work, school, homework, and blogging, it's now almost a week late. I am sorry if this is something you look forward to reading (Christy) because you don't watch the telecast (Christy) because you can't stay up past seven o'clock (Christy). Right now, the new posting schedule of Friday, Saturday, Sunday is better for me. Maybe next year, I'll get brave and try to live blog the Oscars as they happen.
Let's get to the ceremony!
The opening number with Justin Timberlake got things off to a great start. It helps that "Can't Stop the Feeling" is ridiculously happy. It also put me in mind of the Golden Globes, which I took to be a good sign. Maybe the Academy is trying to shed some of that self-important "prom" image and do something entertaining. Because, yes, it's about movie stars being awarded for their performances, but it's also a freaking 3 hour and 40 minute TV show with about a billion people watching worldwide. We can't all be paraded in front of the A-listers from a tour bus. More on that later.
Jimmy Kimmel was the host of this year's telecast. I have never really liked Kimmel ever since The Man Show days but I examined that feeling a little more and realized I don't like any late-night TV hosts. I don't watch late-night TV. I spent too many years watching Jon Stewart's (canonization pending) uncensored rants to feel anything for these pale, network milquetoasts. That being said, Kimmel was a great host. He could do the Oscars every year and I would be okay. The only joke he had that truly didn't land with the audience was "the only happy ending this year came halfway through Moonlight" and he was able to recover almost immediately.
Best Supporting Actor went to Mahershala Ali for Moonlight and it was well-deserved.
Best Costumes went to Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them.
Best Hair and Makeup went to Suicide Squad and was the only category this year I think where I saw every film nominated.
Kimmel introduced Janelle Monae, Taraji P. Hensen, and Octavia Spencer to present the award for Best Documentary Feature by calling them "Algebra's Angels" and I thought that was the most underrated joke of the night. The Hidden Figures stars wheeled out the actual Katherine Johnson (the character Hensen played in the movie) so the audience could applaud her. I don't want to imply that she is not a national goddamn hero, because she is, or that she wasn't unfairly overlooked her entire life, because she was, but Jesus Christ on a cracker, what is it with the Academy hauling out old people just to stare at them? That's so rude! Is it because they've forgotten what old age looks like? Is it a cautionary tale? "If you don't slather on La Mer every night and keep all of your Botox appointments, this could happen to you!"
Anyway, Best Documentary went to O.J.: Made in America. At this point, I was really excited because I had seen all of the winners. I should have known better.
The next nominee for Best Original song was performed from Moana by Lin-Manuel Miranda and Auli'i Cravalho. Everything that man touches turns to gold. Obviously, this was my favorite performance of the night.
Best Sound Editing went to Arrival.
Best Sound Mixing went to Hacksaw Ridge.
Best Supporting Actress went to Viola Davis for Fences.
Best Foreign Film went to The Salesman from Iran. The director, Oscar Farhadi, boycotted this year's ceremony to protest the Muslim, excuse me, travel ban.
Best Animated Short went to Piper, another win for Pixar.
Best Animated Feature went to the overrated Zootopia. Not that I'm bitter.
Dakota Johnson and Jamie Dornan came out to present Best Production Design. She looked terrible. Nice dress but her hair and makeup were too severe. She made a joke about having seen Dornan somewhere before and you could tell it was an ad-lib because he had no idea how to respond. It raised my estimation of her as a person.
Best Production Design went to La La Land.
At this point, Kimmel decided to parade a bunch of random people (but I'm sure they were carefully screened beforehand) through the auditorium in what I felt to be the most tone-deaf portion of the night. I talked to my mom about it and she had a totally different take, so I will include both views in the interest of fairness.
According to my mom, she felt bad for the tour bus people. Imagine riding around the top of a tour bus in LA all day and then being told you're going to see a new museum exhibit on Oscar gowns and fashion, only to have the doors open and there you are on live TV in front of a huge room containing every celebrity ever and all you can think is "My God, I smell like hot dogs and exhaust fumes and holy shit, there's Meryl Streep and Denzel Washington."
My take was, here you are a Hollywood celebrity. You haven't eaten all day so you can fit into your dress, you're wearing uncomfortable shoes, and you know you're not going to be able to pee for the next five hours because you'll be on live TV. Then the doors open and in come a handful of random strangers to stare and film you on their phones like you're a zoo exhibit and all you can think is "My God, I just inhaled an entire box of Junior Mints that fell from the sky. I hope I don't have chocolate in my teeth. These people probably waited hours and I am not going to be the one who ruins everything because of stupid Junior Mints."
Then, of course, there's option three: "Look, peasants, upon our majesty and riches! Stare at everything you will never possess!" /maniacal laughter
And can we talk about the parachuting candy, like we are in the fucking Hunger Games? Was that a political statement? A warning?
Best Visual Effects went to The Jungle Book.
Best Film Editing went to Hacksaw Ridge.
Best Documentary Short went to The White Helmets. One of the actual White Helmets was supposed to attend, but he actually was prevented by the totally-not-a-Muslim travel ban.
Best Live Action Short went to Sing, which is not the same as the American Idol for animals animated movie.
Best Cinematography went to La La Land.
Best Original Score went to La La Land.
Best Original Song went to "City of Stars" from La La Land.
Best Original Screenplay went to Manchester by the Sea.
Best Adapted Screenplay went to Moonlight, which might have been the only prediction I made that actually happened.
Best Director went to Damien Chazelle for La La Land.
Best Actor went to Casey Affleck for Manchester by the Sea. The presenter was Brie Larson, who very noticeably did not clap for Affleck's win. Affleck just settled two sexual assault suits out of court because he is rich and white and can do things like that. Larson is an advocate for sexual assault and rape survivors. She had to give him a trophy but she didn't have to like it. My money says she bathed in Purell afterwards.
Best Actress went to Emma Stone for La La Land. I didn't have a dog in that fight, but I will say that the stand-in photo they used of nominee Natalie Portman (who didn't attend because she could drop a baby at any point, and was the funniest person in the Mean Tweets Oscar Edition segment) was absolutely gorgeous.
Then came the Best Picture award and the biggest fuckup in Oscar history. If you've somehow been living under a rock, here's what happened: Warren Beatty was accidentally handed a backup Best Actress envelope instead of Best Picture because some PricewaterhouseCoopers accountant was tweeting and not paying attention. So, Beatty opens the envelope and just kind of freezes because he can see that it's wrong, but everybody thinks he's just drawing out the moment to be funny. He hands the card to Faye Dunaway and she says the winner is La La Land, which was the expected winner.
All the producers of La La Land crowd onto the stage to give their speeches and take their Oscars and some poor schmuck of a stagehand has to be the one to say "there was a mix-up." Jordon Horowitz, the executive producer of La La Land, stopped everything to make the correction that Moonlight had actually won. And the world lost its collective mind for a hot minute. According to Jimmy Kimmel, there was supposed to be a final skit with him and long-running enemy Matt Damon to close out the show but it had to be scrapped because of the mistake. Frankly, at that point, the show was 40 minutes over schedule so they probably should have cut the skit anyway, but for sure, no one would have paid attention after that bombshell.
I honestly felt bad for Jimmy Kimmel. He had made a joke when he was announced as host about how honored he was to host "the 89th and final Oscars." It was supposed to be a Trump joke, implying that the President would abolish the Academy Awards because they make fun of him, but I'm betting Kimmel felt an icy cold rush of prescience when that Best Picture thing happened and people were running around backstage in total chaos after just seeing their careers go up in flames like the Hindenburg. He handled it as best as he could, and I wouldn't mind seeing him host again.
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