End of Year 2023 Top Ten

I managed slightly better than last year with 13 entries.  I kind of miss when the Oscars were held in January because it forced me to watch an assload of films from the current year in December.  Now that nominations don't come out until February, a lot of would-be favorites end up not being counted.  Like The Menu and M3GAN would definitely have been on my top 10 for last year if I had watched them in time.  And before you ask, I thought about making it just whatever I saw in a year, but with roughly 180 entries, that feels scattershot.  Anyway, the most obvious solution is for me to just get off my ass and watch more movies.

10.  Matilda: The Musical - I didn't like this when I watched it.  The nicest thing I can say about it is that I forgot pretty much everything.  That's what puts it on the list over Quantumania, which I initially liked but has soured the more I think about how much of a missed opportunity it was.

9.  Totally Killer - The only new horror I watched this year.  Were there better ones?  Almost certainly.  But this was cute.  Mild enough that Tyler watched it and he hates horror movies.

8.  Asteroid City - Quirky Wes Anderson.  Again, fine.  Like soaking your brain in chamomile tea.

7.  Sisu - This will probably get better on subsequent watches but I really expected more.  Still, always a good time to kill Nazis.

6.  Spider-Man Across the Spider-Verse - This lost some points because it does feel like half a story but it is a masterpiece nonetheless.  I expect the third installment to be way higher next year.

5.  Guardians of the Galaxy 3 - This series went out on a high note, which just gave it the edge over entry #6.

4.  Dungeons & Dragons: Honor Among Thieves - A goddamned delight. Even if you had no interest in the game it's based on, it was a fun watch.

3.  John Wick Chapter Four - Is there a law of diminishing returns?  Sure.  But I will hang on until they stop making them or it falls out of the top ten.

2.  Polite Society - A total surprise and a welcome breath of fresh air.  In fact, this would have been #1 if not for the complete juggernaut that is...

1. Barbie - You can't fight it.  Everyone I know who saw it, loved it.  Tyler wanted an "I Am Kenough" shirt for Christmas.  Amazing.

Next year is not looking great for upcoming releases.  Lot of sequels and remakes.  I'm hoping a lot more titles get released as the year begins.

Night Swim - a haunted swimming pool.  This is in the great tradition of inanimate objects that somehow manage to kill people.  It's coming out in January so you already know it's going to be crap.  But entertaining crap?  Remains to be seen.

 The Book of Clarence - a religious comedy with LaKeith Stanfield as a forgotten disciple.  Could be the American answer to Life of Brian.

Mean Girls - Ah, the classic movie-adaptation-of-a-musical-adaptation-of-a-movie.  I have the Broadway soundtrack and it's really good.  Not sure how much of an audience it's going to find but maybe.

Argylle - a spy comedy centered on a cat.  Sounds dumb but it's got Sam Rockwell and I love him.

Lisa Frankenstein - written by Diablo Cody and Zelda Williams.  Looks cute.

Madame Web - Sony's next attempt at a Spider-Man movie without Spider-Man.  

Dune: Part Two - the spice must floooooooow.

Kung Fu Panda 4 - I mean, the trilogy ended pretty much perfectly so I don't know why you'd risk that, but I'm not in charge.

Imaginary - Blumhouse horror about what if your imaginary friend was evil.  I feel like that's just demonic possession with extra steps but sure.

Road House - a remake of the legendary Patrick Swayze film.  No reason for it to exist at all.

Mickey 17 - Bong Joon-ho's new film which makes it a must-watch.

Civil War - Get ready for this to make all your right-wing relatives froth at the mouth.

The Fall Guy - Ryan Gosling plays a stunt man who moonlights as a bounty hunter.  Probably going to be hilarious.

IF - a comedy about what if your imaginary friend had a union.

Furiosa: A Mad Max Saga - a prequel to an incredible movie

The Garfield Movie - who keeps asking for these?  Do children today even know who Garfield is?  

Kingdom of the Planet of the Apes - another fourth entry to a perfect trilogy.  Did no one learn anything from Kingdom of the Crystal Skull?

Ballerina - spin-off of John Wick 3 starring Ana de Armas.

Inside Out 2 - et tu, Pixar?

Despicable Me 4 - do I even need to say it?

Deadpool 3 - we'll see if it retains it's foul-mouthed charm under Disney's yoke.

Borderlands - another day, another attempt at a video game movie.

Alien: Romulus - Fede Alvarez is trying his hand at a sequel.

Kraven the Hunter - Another attempt at a Spider-Man villain standalone.

Beetlejuice 2 - milking the nostalgia machine until it's dry

Joker: Folié a Deux - I didn't like Joker but the sequel is a musical with Lady Gaga as Harley Quinn.  That should be hilarious.

Gladiator 2 - /sigh

Wicked: Part One - another Broadway adaptation.  Not entirely sure why it needed to be split into two films.  The book isn't that large and the musical is like 90 minutes.

Nosferatu - Robert Eggers is going the remake route but I love vampires so I will check it out.

The Burial of Kojo (2019)

  Last movie of the year!  This was on my list as horror but it's more like magical realism with a strong folklore bend.  

Kojo (Joseph Otisman) lives in the country, adamantly refusing to move to the city over the wishes of his wife (Mamley Djangmah), until his brother, Kwabena (Kobinah Amissah-Sam), arrives with news that their mother is sick.  Kojo is forced to reveal his secret: he had been in love with Kwabena's fiancée (Zalfa Odonkor) and on their wedding night, Kojo got drunk and wrecked the newlywed's car, killing her.  Kwabena claims to have forgiven him, but Kojo still feels wracked with guilt, which Kwabena uses to push his brother into more and more dangerous money-making schemes until Kojo goes missing.  Only his daughter, Esi (Cynthia Dankwa), can untangle the threads of the story to find him.

This reminded me a lot of Beasts of the Southern Wild.  It has that same quasi-dreamlike feel and meandering pace.  I liked this one more, though.  It felt more cohesive, more tied to a history of people and folklore.  It is currently streaming on the Criterion Channel but probably not for long.

Slackers (2002)

  I'm taking next week off for Christmas so this will be the last movie I post before my year in review.  Sorry it's kind of a shitty one.

Evan (Jason Schwartzman) figures out that Dave (Devon Sawa), Sam (Jason Segal), and Jeff (Michael Maronna) are cheating on their college exams and uses this information to blackmail Dave into helping him win over the girl Evan is stalking (Jaime King).  The plan falls apart when Dave starts falling for her.

This is a gross, lazy "comedy" that has nothing deeper to say.  At least Accepted had a point to make about college curriculums being weighted against free expression.  Slackers is just nihilism with a bouncy soundtrack.  The characters sail through without expending any effort and whatever consequences they receive are handwaved off with more lying and fraud.  This is the generation that came up with NFTs and Stable Diffusion.

Also, who in their right mind picks Jaime King (who I'm sure is nice but let's be real) when Laura Prepon is right there.  RIGHT THERE.  Avoid.  It's currently streaming on Tubi.

Run Silent, Run Deep (1958)

  Stressed about the holidays?  Watch manly men dealing with their fear and resentment while being stalked through the seas!

Lieutenant Jim Bledsoe (Burt Lancaster) is pleased to receive his first command of the submarine Nerka, but is stymied last-minute when Commander Richardson (Clark Gable) is announced instead.  Richardson had been desk-bound because his previous sub was sunk off the coast of Japan by a destroyer called the Akikaze.  Bledsoe has a terrible suspicion that Richardson is just looking for revenge and is willing to risk the lives of the entire crew to get it.

This is a good movie to put on if you're laying on the couch taking a break from wrapping gifts or doomscrolling or just hungover on a Sunday.  The black and white is very soothing, there's a lot of talking interspersed with some torpedo explosions, and Don Rickles is in it.  It's not the best WWII movie --hell, it's not even the best WWII submarine movie-- but it's good enough.  Appropriately melodramatic.  There is precisely one (1) woman with a speaking role and the pin-up poster in the sub gets more screen time than she does, but you can't have everything.

It's currently streaming for free (with ads) on the Roku Channel.

The Star (2017)

  It is Christmas time so here's a movie about the Biblical origin story that eventually syncretized to become the holiday we know today.  

A miniature donkey (Steven Yuen) dreams of life doing something more important than walking in circles grinding grain.  He escapes the miller and hides out in the yard of a young newlywed couple.  The very pregnant Mary (Gina Rodriguez) names him Bo and plans to take him when they leave for a census being conducted in Bethlehem.  Bo plans to escape this admittedly nicer confinement with the help of his friend, Dave (Keegan Michael-Key), a dove, and join the royal procession, but when he learns that King Herod (Christopher Plummer) has dispatched a hunter to kill the pregnant woman, he decides it's more important to save her than follow his dreams.

This is aggressively Christian.  Your mileage will vary on how much of a plus or minus that is for you, but I thought it worth mentioning.  

If you are pro, this is a cute re-telling of a story you know extremely well through the point of view of adorable animated animals.  There are winks and nods to other Bible stories, the soundtrack is all Christmas carols, and the voice cast is A-list.

If you are con, this is some serious propaganda meant to de-secularize a popular holiday.  But still with cute talking animals.  This is the kind of movie for people who unironically use the phrase "War on Christmas" and don't tip.

I'm trying not to draw conclusions based on who chose to be in this, because sometimes a job is a job, but mega-pastor/amoral grifter Joel Osteen is one of the "wise men" and that should tell you pretty much everything you need to know.  It's streaming on Freevee, the Amazon ad-supported service.  More importantly, the second season of Reacher dropped on Friday and you should watch that.

The Avengers: Infinity War (2018)

This is one of the last few good theater experiences I had before the pandemic hit.  That's mostly what I remember about it.  People openly gasped, laughed, and cried.  I still remember hearing a girl scream when Spider-Man got Blipped.  People were invested.  It was a titanic (pun intended) undertaking that took almost a full decade to build up to one of the most depressing endings in popular entertainment.  Now it feels like this was a lifetime ago.  I suspect people who lost family in the first wave of COVID-19 might see the Snap a little differently now.  And of course, the Time Stone hits a little more after season two of Loki thanks to a fan theory I read that lives in my brain forever now.  You know the one.  This is streaming on Disney+ with all the other Marvel content.  At some point, I'll take a week or so and watch everything (including all the shows) as a full retrospective but it won't be soon.   Originally posted 26 May 2018.    Has everyone seen this?  Can we talk about it yet?  I saw it almost a month ago and I have been waiting so as not to inadvertently spoil it for people.  A friend of mine had that happen to her on Facebook.  Some asshat posted every single death and then shrugged and said "it's been five days.  You should have seen it by now," like people don't have jobs or child care or any other time conflicts.  I don't want to be like that guy.  Nobody likes that guy.

Thanos (Josh Brolin), the Mad Titan, has arrived to claim all of the Infinity Stones.  Only by combining forces with the most unlikely of allies can our heroes have a chance.  Iron Man (Robert Downey, Jr.), Doctor Strange (Benedict Cumberbatch), and Spider-Man (Tom Holland) try to protect the Time stone while Scarlet Witch (Elizabeth Olsen), Captain America (Chris Evans), Black Widow (Scarlett Johansson), Hulk (Mark Ruffalo) and Falcon (Anthony Mackie) join Bucky (Sebastian Stan) in Wakanda to protect Vision (Paul Bettany) and the Mind Stone while Shuri (Letitia Wright) tries to safely remove it from Vision's head.  Meanwhile, Thor (Chris Hemsworth), Rocket (Bradley Cooper), and Groot (Vin Diesel) head off to find a replacement for Mjolnir that has a chance of fighting Thanos even with the Infinity Gauntlet and Star-Lord (Chris Pratt), Gamora (Zoe Saldana), Drax (Dave Bautista), and Mantis (Pom Klementioff) head to Knowhere to try and keep Thanos from getting the Reality Stone from The Collector (Benecio del Toro).

ZOMG you guys.  EVERYONE* is in this movie.  This is what phases I-III have been building up to show.  It was a huge undertaking and it came together so much better than it had any right to.  I was so worried that Thanos was going to be a boring villain.  Honestly, the bad guys are usually the weakest links.  But the Russo Brothers actually gave him a really compelling storyline of his own, especially his interactions with Gamora.

Look, you know by now that not everyone makes it to the post-credits.  I'm not saying who does or doesn't.  Yes, some of them are going to be permanent deaths.  Contracts end, actors get tired, and writers have to keep you on your toes.  But you also know that Avengers 4 is coming in 2019, so don't lose hope.  They're definitely going to bring some of these characters back.  Most likely.  Probably.  They just have to.  Right?



*except for Ant-Man and Hawkeye.  One has a movie coming in July and I'm betting the other is  going to have a huge emotional scene in Avengers 4 and swear vengeance against Thanos.

Meet Me in St. Louis (1944)

  This is my second pick for Movie Club this week and it almost didn't get posted because the day completely got away from me.

The Smith family are eagerly anticipating the 1904 World's Fair to be held in their hometown of St. Louis, Missouri.  Rose (Lucille Bremer) and Esther (Judy Garland) are boy-crazy teens scheming to get engaged because it's 1903 and what else are they going to do, work?  Younger sisters Agnes (Joan Carroll) and Tootie (Margaret O'Brien) are semi-feral and death-obsessed, but you know, in a cute way.  The only brother, Alonzo Jr. (Henry H. Daniels, Jr.), is mostly away at college and missing the day-to-day shenanigans as Esther sets her cap for the boy next door (Tom Drake).  But when the patriarch (Leon Ames) announces that he's moving the whole family to New York City at the turn of the year, all the girls' plans come into conflict.

I cannot overstate how colorful this movie is.  It is vibrant.  The costumes, the sets, the food, everything is gloriously Technicolor.  This film is most famous for Garland's absolutely mournful "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas" but I love the frenetic energy of "The Trolley Song".  It spans 3/4 of a year and I personally feel the pacing drags a little towards the middle, but there are so many great moments it balances out.  

This is a hard time of year for a lot of people so if you just want a little Christmas, not a whole lot, this might be a good choice.  People find it cathartic.  It's currently streaming on (sigh) Max.

Grosse Pointe Blank (1996)

  It's my turn to pick for Movie Club and I am continuing the trend of picking movies I love, regardless if they are appropriate or not.  Grosse Pointe Blank is my absolute favorite movie hands down.  I was obsessed with it for years and it has held up to multiple viewings.

Martin Blank (John Cusack) is an assassin and a damn good one.  He has fully embraced the persona but recently finds himself dealing with some ennui.  A couple of jobs have gone bad, he's getting pressure from a loud-mouth rival (Dan Aykroyd), and his personal assistant (Joan Cusack) will not stop reminding him of his ten-year high school reunion.  His reluctant therapist (Alan Arkin) thinks he should go; it will remind him of life and maybe convince him to stop killing people for money.  But Martin knows that it also brings him back to the girl he abandoned on prom night, Debi (Minnie Driver).

This movie is hilarious and endlessly quotable.  Cusack and Driver are perfect, neurotically compatible.  Aykroyd is playing way against type, and Arkin is incredible as Dr. Oatman.  And the soundtrack is great.  I don't know why this isn't more widely popular.  It's only available to rent or buy but it's absolutely worth your money.

Happily N'Ever After (2007)

  This was... not good.  I'm pretty sure I added it because I thought it was Queer Friendly, but it turns out that was just a product of bad animation.

Cinderella (Sarah Michelle Gellar) is destined to end up with a Prince (Patrick Wharburton).  That's the way the story goes, enforced by a wizard (George Carlin) and his two assistants, Munk (Wallace Shawn) and Mambo (Andy Dick).  But an evil stepmother (Sigourney Weaver) seizes power while the wizard is on vacation and it's up to Ella, the two assistants, and the kitchen dishwasher (Freddie Prinze, Jr.) to make things right.

This is the Fairy Tale of the Nice Guy.  Rick the dishwasher lives in the shadow of the prince, pining over Cinderella, and has convinced himself that she would be better off with him.  He gets pissed every time she mentions that she'd prefer the prince and takes every opportunity to drag that guy, who doesn't seem bad or even mean-spirited, just a little dumb and sheltered.  Because how dare she?  He's in love with her so she owes him her love in return.  There is no indication that she knows Rick beyond a passing acquaintance and zero real interaction.  She's polite, friendly, but never shows that she has a moment's feeling for Rick.  

It would be one thing if Cinderella and Rick were in love and she found out she was going to marry the prince anyway and needed to get out of it.  That I could see.  But she's excited for her future and Rick acts like a total asshole about it.

So plot-wise, this is not awesome, but it's mostly watchable thanks to Sigourney Weaver absolutely hamming it up as the evil stepmother.  She gives an A+ performance to a D- script.  Gellar is absurdly boring and spends most of her time just saying people's names over and over.  I don't want to hate on the animation too much, because it's clear that this was a small company and it was in 2007.  It does have a very specific style; it's just not one I care for.  I found it plastic and stiff.

It apparently did well enough to garner a sequel but I will not be adding it to the queue.  The original is streaming on Starz currently.

Sisu (2023)

  I have been waiting to see this since John Wick 4 came out.  I'm glad I made it before my end of year wrap-up.  

A lone prospector (Jorma Tommila) strikes gold in the far northern reaches of Finland in the last days of WWII.  On his way to deposit it, he crosses trails with a platoon of Nazi soldiers on a scorched earth campaign.  The Captain (Aksel Hennie) realizes the gold could be his ticket out of a war crimes tribunal and orders his men to attack, only to lose time and again.  A background check reveals that the grizzled old man is actually a Finnish war hero nicknamed after Koschei the Deathless.  

At 88 minutes, this wastes no time in getting straight to the Nazi-killing.  It manages to fit six whole chapters in, which is a feat of screenwriting.  Yes, it is a little exposition heavy, a little over-explanatory, but it calls back to movies like First Blood.  It is The Man, The Myth, The Legend.  I get it.  However, this is the rabbit meat of action movies:  so lean it's basically malnutritious.  I'm looking for wagyu.  I want lore marbled in with the action so it feels sumptuous.  Give me gourmet violence.  Nazis need killing, obviously, but let me savor it.

Sisu is currently streaming on Starz and if you're looking for a pairing, I would suggest Dead Snow as a chaser as it also involves Nazis and gold.

Absolutely Anything (2015)

  Another Tyler pick!  I hadn't even heard of this one.  

Self-styled Galactic Supreme Beings (John Cleese, Michael Palin, Terry Jones, and Terry Gillam) give a random human (Simon Pegg) the power to do absolutely anything as a test of whether humans can join their ranks or be annihilated.  Neil, a thoroughly average British school teacher, immediately gives his dog the power of speech (Robin Williams), makes his boss (Suzy Izzard listed as Eddie Izzard) more agreeable, and tries to make his hot neighbor (Kate Beckinsale) like him.  But when her psycho ex (Rob Riggle) finds out, Neil must use his unexplained powers for evil.

This was mostly cute.  I found parts annoying and there was a dick joke that made me roll my eyes so hard I think I sprained one, but it was pretty entertaining on balance.  Pegg has always excelled at the Everyman Forced to Deal with Things role and Riggle plays Insane American very well.  It was nice to see Beckinsale just kind of relaxed and not running from werewolves or whatever.  Could have used more Izzard and more Joanna Lumley.  I feel like if you're going to have them in the cast, they should get more than three lines each.  

It's currently streaming on Starz if you want a low-stakes comedy and also to feel sad about Robin Williams again.