Foul Play (1978)

  This features way more Goldie Hawn than it does Chevy Chase.  You can almost pretend he's not in it at all.

An unassuming librarian (Goldie Hawn) looking for love finds herself drawn unwittingly into a complicated assassination plot involving an albino, the Catholic Church, and a man called The Dwarf.  

Man, this movie was a fossil (complimentary).  I wasn't alive in the 70s but watching this made me feel like I was seeing a historical record.  The soundtrack is by Barry Manilow, the hair is big, the cars are bigger, Chevy Chase is supposed to be funny, and everybody smokes.  Wild, lawless times.  

Hawn is effervescent and charming without being a man-crazy ditz.  Burgess Meredith has a supporting role as her neighbor with hidden depths and I could have watched them interact for hours.  Chevy Chase has the charisma of mold but like I said, he's really only in the last third of the movie.  Dudley Moore is one of those build-up characters that doesn't have a pay-off until the final act.  I thought he was just going to be a cameo so I was confused.  

This is not well-represented on streaming sites so you may have to dust off your VPN to find it but it's not terrible for a late-70s screwball comedy.

Wicked: Part One (2024)

  You people have no idea how much I loved the musical Wicked.  It's one of the only things I've seen twice (once in New York and once in D.C.).  I was utterly terrified when they announced a movie adaptation and had resigned myself to waiting until the dust settled before seeing it.  Then I got invited by a friend group to go to the theater and I couldn't say no (I'm the Yes friend).  

Born of a different complexion and possessed of incredible magical talent, Elphaba (Cynthia Erivo) has never fit in but finds herself offered the chance to study with the Grand Sorceress, Madame Morrible (Michelle Yeoh) at university.  This immediately puts her at odds with perky, rich Galinda (Ariana Grande) who craved Morrible's attention for herself.  Unexpected acts of kindness on both sides bring the two girls together but their friendship may not survive Elphaba's growing conviction that the Talking Animals of Oz are being systematically targeted for repression and destruction.  

The stage musical is only two and a half hours long start-to-finish so splitting the movie into two halves feels like a shameless cash grab.  I don't know if they're going to add more info from the book (which is nowhere near as fluffy and fun) or if they're just planning to stretch out the musical's second half the way they did the first.  We'll find out next year, I guess.

Obviously, Erivo and Grande can both sing and act.  I'm not the biggest fan of Grande (there's something really hollow about her that I can't quite put my finger on) but she is perfectly cast.  Jonathan Bailey will be recognizable to the Bridgerton crowd but this was my first exposure.  He plays Hot Himbo very well.  Jeff Goldblum was a surprisingly good singer.  Not sure why I thought he wouldn't be but I was still surprised.  Sadly, Michelle Yeoh is not strong on the one verse Morrible gets but A) she is a divine being and I forgive her anything and B) the role is mostly about acting and she's great at that.  I think I would have been even more lenient if the movie hadn't had Keala "This is Me" Settle in the fucking chorus line.  How are you gonna sideline-- You know, it's too early for my blood pressure to get that high.  We're going to let it go.

Speaking of "Let It Go" there are cameos from the original stars Idina Menzel and Kristen Chenoweth for the die-hards.  I feel like I shouldn't have to say this but it did come up in my screening: there is no post-credit sequence so you can leave whenever you're done.

It's a movie musical about female friendship and political activism with a pink and green color scheme.  You already know if that's going to be your jam or not.  Currently only in theaters.

Beautiful Creatures (2013)

Man, I did not remember more than a third of this movie, and nothing of the ending.  Ehrenreich continues to be the best thing about it.  He is effortlessly charming in a movie that rewards him not at all for it.  Englert is still stiff as a board but she did contribute a song to the soundtrack, I discovered.  Her character is written so blandly it's hard to hold her at fault.  Originally posted 27 May 2013.  This wasn't as bad as I thought it would be.  It's not great, but it didn't make me want to gouge out my eyes with a grapefruit spoon either.  

Ethan Wate (Alden Ehrenreich) has lived in the tiny South Carolina town of Gatlin his entire life.  A life that has been exceptionally boring until the arrival of Lena Duchannes (Alice Englert).  Lena is no ordinary girl, you see, as she comes from a family of magic users.  Every female of the family is chosen by either the Light or the Dark on their sixteenth birthday, without much in the way of say in the matter.  Lena's cousin Ridley (Emmy Rossum), for example, was chosen by the Dark and is now a man-eating, couture-wearing, Grade-A bitch on wheels.  Her family doesn't want Lena to go down the same path and they don't want her distracted by a cute boy just before the choice is made.

A lot of this movie made absolutely no sense and raised more questions than it answered.  I could probably look up answers, (I'm sure they're based on the book) but I don't care.  It's not worth that much interest.  The only thing that elevates this from Twilight is the charisma of its stars and much better dialogue.  Ehrenreich in particular manages to hold his own on screen with powerhouses like Emma Thompson, Viola Davis, and Jeremy Irons.  That's no mean feat.  Englert is a bit more generic as a leading lady but she's pretty and I'm sure she'll get work.

Pieces of April (2003)

  This had to be a Movie Club pick because I would never have chosen this.  Content warning: cancer

April (Katie Holmes) has invited her estranged family over for Thanksgiving.  But when her oven goes out while her boyfriend (Derek Luke) is out on an errand, April knocks on every door in their apartment complex, desperately trying to find an alternate stove.  

I would never have picked this because the synopsis didn't sound interesting, I don't particularly like Katie Holmes, and I really don't like micro-budget indie dramas about Feelings.  And I would have missed out.  This was super-relatable on a lot of levels.  I, too, have been the Child Who Left and I also have a Complicated Relationship with my mother.  I have tried to plan a dinner and been overwhelmed at the thought of cooking a whole-ass turkey because Things Just Have to Go Right or Else.  

Families are hard.  They're hard when you like them and more when you don't.  And we are nose-diving straight into Family Season here for the next two months.  So give yourself a break.  Take a breath, go low- or no-contact if you need to.  Just cause they birthed you doesn't obligate you to tolerate shit you wouldn't from a stranger.  Love them when and how you can.  Love yourself too.

This is streaming on Tubi, Roku, the CW channel, and PlutoTV.  All with ads.  Sorry.

The Phantom of the Paradise (1974)

  This movie is bananapants bonkers and I don't know if I love it for itself as much as I love the idea of inflicting it on others.  But I love the latter reason a whole lot.  Content warning:  drug use, mild gore

Winslow Leach (William Finley) has spent his life writing a major cantata of the story of Faust only to see it stolen and bastardized by pop music impresario Swan (Paul Williams).  Discredited, disfigured, and disgusted, Leach sets out to sabotage Swan's music palace, The Paradise, only to succumb to the lure of fame and the talent of Phoenix (Jessica Harper), his muse and unrequited love.  But when Swan sets his greedy sights on Phoenix, Winslow knows he must destroy the monster once and for all.

There is A LOT to unpack in this movie.  It is Faust, Phantom of the Opera, The Picture of Dorian Grey, and a searing satire of Phil Specter and the history of rock-n-roll all tossed in a blender with a fuckload of cocaine and directed by giallo-noir pioneer Brian DePalma with a soundtrack of parody and an actual Faust musical written by the Muppets' "Rainbow Connection" guy who is also the villain of the movie.  Somehow it came out a year before Rocky Horror which feels like the fakest part but is true.  

In the words of the prophet Stefani, it is B-A-N-A-N-A-S.  

This was a major flop that has become kind of a cult classic but still isn't hugely known.  It's streaming on Amazon Prime and words truly do not do it justice.  If you liked Rocky Horror and its very lesser-known sequel, Shock Treatment, this will feel like a long-lost sister film.  If you didn't, stay far away.  

Venom 3: The Last Dance (2024)

  I saw this in October but my posting schedule was so packed I didn't want it to get lost in the shuffle.

Eddie Brock (Tom Hardy) and his symbiote Venom (also Tom Hardy) are on the run after things went pear-shaped in San Francisco.  Not only are they wanted by law enforcement in several states, they are also being hunted by an inter-dimensional monster called a Phage that wants them to unlock the astral prison of Nhull (Andy Serkis), the evil god of symbiotes.  

Normally, I think you can walk into a superhero movie with basic knowledge and you'll be fine.  This is not one of those times.  I don't know if I was just at my processing capacity for the week or if it had been too long between installments, but I needed a primer.  So make sure you refresh yourself on the previous two movies as well as the mid-credit sequence from No Way Home before you fire this up.  I think it will help a lot.

On its own merit, this is probably the weakest entry and I'm a little sad this is how it's going out, since it started so strong.  It felt wishy-washy and unsure of its direction which kind of also works as a metaphor for Sony-owned Marvel properties as a whole.  

When the movie works, it does so because of Tom Hardy's dual performance as Eddie interacting with Venom.  There's still magic there.  Everything else feels tacked on and generic.  It's still in theaters but it'll be coming out on streaming for the holiday season I would imagine.

The Unsinkable Molly Brown (1964)

  This wasn't nearly as good as I thought it would be.  

Molly (Debbie Reynolds) grew up poor and uneducated in the hinterlands of Colorado but determined that she was going to make something of herself... by becoming a rich man's wife.  John J. Brown (Harve Presnell) is technically rich but he doesn't care enough to show it.  He decides to woo Molly based on her personality but she very quickly informs him that he's going to have to put up or shut up.  So he becomes the richest man in the U.S.  Molly now has her dream of financial security, but it doesn't come with social inclusion.  The head of Denver society, Mrs. Gladys McGraw (Audrey Christie), has decided the Browns are too crass to associate with and given them the cut direct.  So Molly goes to Europe to gain a little sophistication, hobnobbing with aristocrats charmed by her directness and willingness to pick up the check.  But J.J. is tired of it.  He only ever participated to make Molly happy and as soon as he realized that was an ever-shifting goalpost, he was out.  Molly has to choose between her marriage and her posh friends, deciding once and for all what she really wants out of life.

Honestly, I was shocked anyone liked this broad.  Reynolds was almost terminally charming in real life but she grated on my nerves in this role.  She is the main character but all the big songs are given to Presnell.  For an introductory role!  And the songs themselves are terrible!  Repetitive and boring.  Reynolds deserved better than this.  Ed Begley, Sr. and Hermione Baddeley try but can't lift this movie out of the mire.  It's streaming for free on Tubi and I'd still like my money back.

In other news, I watched season 2 of Cheers, which still holds up pretty well, and season 1 of What We Do in the Shadows.  I liked it more than the movie so I'll probably watch season 2 eventually.  

Pearl Harbor (2001)

  The veterans and victims of Pearl Harbor deserved better than this.  Content warning:  war violence, blood

Two best friends, Rafe (Ben Affleck) and Danny (Josh Hartnett), join the Navy to become pilots.  Rafe chafes at being stuck stateside while war ravages Europe and takes an assignment to join the RAF in England, leaving his girl, Evelyn (Kate Beckinsale), behind.  Danny gets stationed in Hawaii and lo and behold, so does Evelyn.  Rafe gets shot down, presumed dead, and in their grief, Danny and Evelyn turn to each other.  Rafe returns, is unreasonably angry that people moved on, and throws the whole relationship into disarray.  Then the Japanese launch a surprise attack against the U.S. Navy ships stationed in Pearl Harbor in retaliation for cutting Japan's access to heating oil and suddenly, this love triangle seems a lot less important.

There's a decent Pearl Harbor film buried somewhere beneath the tons of melodramatic crap in this movie, but it would take a team of skilled editors to find it.  It was apparently written by Randall Wallace, the writer of Braveheart, a film whose dialogue is also silly and overwrought but carried far better by its actors.  I get that he was probably trying for Douglas Sirk melodrama levels but come on.  That's like comparing a toddler crying in a tutu to the Bolshoi.  

You know how I feel about Michael Bay.  

This is a three-hour bloated mess of tragedy porn and it's currently streaming on Hulu.

Paterson (2016)

  This was one of the most boring movies I've ever watched.  I hated every minute of Paterson but I loved Perfect Days.  Go figure.

Paterson (Adam Driver) is a bus driver in Paterson, New Jersey.  He leads a quiet, simple life with his artistic girlfriend (Golshifteh Farahani) and her horrible bulldog, Marvin (Nellie).  He drives the bus, listens to the passengers, writes his poetry, and goes home to listen to his girlfriend's newest hare-brained idea to get money and fame.  

I think I figured it out.  Hirayama from Perfect Days genuinely enjoyed his life, while Paterson seems to be silently screaming the whole time.  Could be wrong.  Could have been my circumstances coloring my interpretation, but that's my take.  Paterson hates his life and won't or can't change.  The difference between what Jim Jarmusch and Wim Wenders find interesting, I guess.  Really boils down their entire careers to Despair and Hope, respectively.  

Your enjoyment of this movie will hinge on whether you find it relatable, I'm guessing.  And how much you enjoy free word poetry, quirky desperation, and zero plot.  For me, that was zero amounts.  But it's streaming on Amazon Prime so you can check it out and see your own tolerance levels.  (Perfect Days is on Hulu.  Just sayin'.)

Ladder 49 (2004)

  A Travolta double-feature.  Remember when we didn't know he was a sex pest?  Good times.  

A decorated Baltimore firefighter (Joaquin Phoenix) is trapped in a burning building reliving memories of his life and career while his fellow firefighters work to rescue him.

This movie is fine.  It's a legacy Christy movie that I added to my queue in 2014 that I'm only just now getting to because it's been pretty hard to find.  Probably because it's not a standout in any way.  It is a minor entry in both main actors' resumés.  

Phoenix and Travolta are fine in this.  It doesn't demand a lot from them.  Robert Patrick, Morris Chesnutt, and Billy Burke support, along with a host of other That Guy actors.  The tone borders hagiographic, especially as it reaches the finale.  May or may not be a turn-off for you, depending on how you feel about public services.  I guess I thought it was going to be more like Backdraft, but there's really nothing similar (other than the obvious firefighting angle).

It's a weepy drama featuring manly men doing manly things while the one (1) female character stays firmly in the background.  Don't pay money to see this.  Use your VPN.

Be Cool (2005)

  This is one of those sequels I actually like more than the original.  It is like a time capsule of 2005, though.  Content warning: homophobia, racial slurs

Chili Palmer (John Travolta) is looking to get out of the movie business so he's of a mind to say no when his old East Coast buddy, Tommy Athens (James Woods), approaches him with an idea to do a musical starring a young up-and-coming singer named Linda Moon (Christina Milian).  Then Tommy gets shot in a drive-by by Russian gangsters and suddenly, Chili becomes very interested in the music business.

There are parts that have not aged well at all but on balance, it's still a good comedy.  Travolta reunites with Uma Thurman and Woods gets killed off really quickly, but the supporting cast is what makes this movie.  Cedric the Entertainer, Andre Benjamin, Harvey Keitel, Vince Vaughn doing The Most Acting, Danny DeVito, and an appearance so early in Dwayne Johnson's career he was still getting credited as The Rock.  There are musical performances by Milian, Aerosmith, and The Black-Eyed Peas featuring Sergio Mendes.  (I told you, time capsule.)  It could probably have been trimmed a little but I still like it more than Get Shorty.

It's old so it's playing on Kanopy, Tubi, PlutoTV, Roku Channel, and Amazon's FreeVee.  I watched it on my server.

A Private War (2017)

  Content warning:  war violence, dead children, blood, some gore

Marie Colvin (Rosamund Pike) is a war correspondent for the Sunday Times of London.  She struggles with alcoholism and PTSD, especially after losing an eye in Sri Lanka, from the horrors she's seen balanced against her need to bring the bloody conflicts of the world to public notice.

Seeing horrors sucks and will permanently fuck you up.  This is not news.  But considering that most of the events depicted take place between 2009 and 2014, it is apparently a lesson we have to continue learning.

Really wish there was a better biopic of Martha Gellhorn to pair with this because they seem like peas in a pod.  Pike does a great job imitating Colvin's distinctive voice while Jamie Dornan redeems himself from his Fifty Shades casting.  Stanley Tucci shows up in the last third but doesn't really do a lot.  Tom Hollander has a much bigger role but not the same name recognition.

A war movie is a war movie.  It never makes the point it thinks it's going to and it's depressing as fuck.  It's free on the Roku Channel but you'd probably be better off reading the Vanity Fair article it's based on instead.

Common Wealth (2000)

  Content warning:  bugs, rotting corpse, sewage, hoarding, some blood, homophobic references

Julia (Carmen Maura) is going through a rough patch after her husband (Jesús Bonilla) loses his job so like any good middle-class housewife, she gets a real estate license.  One of the first places she shows is so nice, she decides to temporarily move in, only to discover that the upstairs tenant has died.  As the firemen cart off his body, Julia finds what appears to be a treasure map.  The old man had won the lottery and then hidden his money in his apartment.  Now Julia finds herself in opposition to the other residents in the building as they each feel entitled to the cash.

This was a little slow for me at first but when it does pick up, it goes off the rails really quickly.  Julia is not sympathetic but she is entertaining and the Spy vs Spy machinations between her and the other residents go from comical to bloodthirsty at the drop of a hat (or an elevator).  

Maura is the centerpiece of this film and I don't think it would have worked without her.  She is pitch-perfect and even when she is making every single bad decision possible, it feels organic and true to the character.  She could have made Julia a greedy, vicious shrew but instead lands on this delusional optimism of just trying to have a better life.  She's an opportunistic inveterate liar but she's not a bad person.  

Unfortunately, you're going to have to dust off a VPN or shell out some pesetas of your own to watch it.  It's only available to rent or buy.  If you liked The Burbs or wished Mouse Hunt wasn't so fucking stupid, give this one a shot.

No Men Beyond This Point (2016)

  I generally like mockumentaries but this was a swing and a miss.

In a world where parthenogenesis has rendered men an endangered group, Andrew (Patrick Gilmore), has unwanted notoriety from being the youngest man alive.   A documentary crew interviews him, the family he works for as a caretaker, and various talking heads about what the societal shift means for men.

I have no idea what the larger point of this was.  It is billed as a comedy and parts of it are funny but it just doesn't seem to know who its audience is.  It makes sweeping generalizations about women including worldwide period synchronization, which is just fucking stupid, doesn't explain anything about the process of parthenogenesis --is it a choice?  Is it random?  What other options are there for women who don't want to be pregnant by any means?-- claims that the surviving men would be put in camps with their every whim catered to because they can't take care of themselves (implying that it's women's job to do), and even makes the incredibly bizarre claim that women would try to outlaw any sexuality because it's somehow a "gateway drug" to liking men?

Zero surprise that when I got to the end credits that it was written and directed by a dude.  A dude who has apparently never met a lesbian or picked up even one book of erotica.  Like I said, I have no idea what this was going for, but it comes off as a "Won't someone think of the Straights?!" propaganda.  It's currently streaming on Kanopy with a library card, Tubi and the Roku Channel with ads.  Not worth it.

Evil Dead 2 (1987)

  It's been ages since I'd seen this.  It's still not my favorite but it's miles away better than The Evil Dead.  Content warning:  gore, amputation, rats

Ash (Bruce Campbell) takes his girlfriend (Denise Bixler) to a secluded cabin in the woods owned by a professor (John Peakes).  Unbeknownst to Ash, Professor Knowby was working on a translation of an evil book of necromantic lore and accidentally unleashed it in the cabin.  His daughter, Annie (Sarah Berry), has the missing pages that will return it to whatever hell it came from, but will she get there before Ash is completely lost.

This film is really infamous for being almost an exact replica of its predecessor, except that it leans into the humor the first film only found accidentally.  A lot of that is due to the correct usage of Campbell's gift for physical comedy and rubber face.  Ash should have been in a full-body cast with the number of times he's thrown through walls, down stairs, and dragged through the woods.  Not to mention hit with firehoses of fake blood.  

If you're into B-horror or horror-comedy, this is probably already in your Hall of Fame.  It is a beloved cult classic turned actual classic that launched the careers of Sam and Ted Raimi, and turned Campbell into a horror icon.  It's currently streaming on Shudder with a subscription and Kanopy with a library card.  

Near Dark (1987)

  This is one of the worst vampire movies ever made.  Content warning: blood, dodgy consent issues

Caleb (Adrian Pasdar) is a small-town hick on his way to full yokel status when he spots Mae (Jenny Wright).  After a night of star-gazing (her) and showing off (him), Mae expresses some urgent desire to be home before dawn.  Caleb, presuming that she is trying to avoid being beaten by her parental figure, tries to extort sex in exchange for driving her home and gets bitten instead.  Turns out the ethereal drifter who waxed poetic about seeing the heat death of the universe is a vampire.  Go figure.  Mae's found family of amoral killers reluctantly take in Caleb as he turns, criss-crossing the southwest to avoid law enforcement, feeding on whoever they can scam, and trying to teach Caleb the ropes of immortality.  But Caleb already has a family and his father (Tim Thomerson) has been searching for him.

This is the watered-down, low budget knock-off of The Lost Boys that's only famous because it was directed by Kathryn Bigelow and stars all the people taking a break from filming Aliens.  Bill Paxton and Lance Henriksen are great, as always, but Pasdar can't escape being the Great Value Jason Patric.  Part of that is the script's fault.  Caleb is written to be as uncool and square as possible to contrast with the hedonistic cowboy-grunge of the vampires and also suffers from a strong shift in social mores about what's acceptable in first-date behavior.

The worst crime here is that there's no internal logic with regard to vampire lore.  It feels very half-assed whatever gets to the next scene, and that's really disrespectful to actual vampire fans.  Also, the movie feels homophobic without ever saying explicitly that.  The vibes are rancid is what I'm saying.

It's not currently available except for rental but it's totally okay to let this film slide further into obscurity.

Kwaidan (1965)

  Some bonus post-Halloween ghost content for your All-Souls Day.  

This is an anthology of four traditional Japanese ghost stories.

The Black Hair - a samurai (Rentarô Mikuni) regrets the choices he made in service of ambition.

The Woman in the Snow - a woodcutter (Tatsuya Nakadai) has a terrifying run-in with a snow demon (Keiko Kishi).

Hoichi the Earless - a blind monk (Katsuo Nakamura) is summoned to perform a historical epic for its victims.

In a Cup of Tea - a samurai (Kan'emon Nakamura) is tormented by a ghostly presence reflected in his teacup.

I don't throw the word "masterpiece" around very often so trust me when I say it.  Kwaidan is a masterpiece of Japanese cinema.  The scare factor of this is very low while the art factor is extremely high.  Every scene is basically a painting that moves.  It is a stunning film.  The performances feel a little wooden, a little stage-y, but it just adds to the vibe.  It does run a little over three hours but I did not feel it.  

It's streaming on the Criterion Channel and also (sigh) Max.  Treat your eyeballs.