Fifty Shades of Grey (2015)

Nominated for Best Original Song     I had done so well avoiding this movie.  I managed to distract Christy from making it one of her monthly picks, I never even caught so much of a clip on TV, and then the fucking Academy nominated it for Best Original Song.  It's like a conspiracy.

Christian Grey (Jamie Dornan) is a billionaire inexplicably interested in a vacuous undergrad named Anastasia Steel (Dakota Johnson).  He offers to make her his mistress, providing she signs a non-disclosure and a contract agreeing to be his submissive.  She is hampered by a lack of basic reasoning and intellectual skills.

Let's set aside the implications of stalking/emotional abuse.  Let's even table the discussion of how this is nowhere near an accurate depiction of BDSM.  Let's just focus on the fact that what this story boils down to is a college girl agreeing to prostitute herself for a rich businessman but being turned off by his predilections.  How in the actual fuck did this become a "worldwide phenomenon"?  It's not interesting.  It's not well-written.  It's not well-acted.  The sex scenes are tepid.  The leads have no chemistry.  Frankly, it's not even an assault on good taste.  It's just boring.  They spend more time gazing across rooms at each other than they do with their clothes off.  Then there are scenes where they meet each others' parents.  What does that have to do with her signing a contract agreeing to let him use nipple clamps?

What bothers me the most about this is the idea that what he is asking for is somehow shameful or indecent.  I don't care what your kink is.  You like being spanked?  Good for you.  You like being chained to a hot stove while someone throws ripe tomatoes at you and screams at you in German?  Okay.  You like pure vanilla missionary-position heterosexual intercourse?  Fine.  Whatever makes you feel comfortable.  No one has the right to dictate to you what you should or should not like in bed.  Making someone feel bad for enjoying something that you do not reflects on YOU, not them.

There are seven billion people on this planet.  If you enjoy a particular thing (latex, medical instruments, animal costumes) I guarantee there are dozens, if not hundreds, probably thousands of people who also enjoy that thing.  Be safe, be smart, and be true to who you are.