I couldn't find a single poster for this movie that didn't make me want to gag so here's a picture of a kitten instead.You're welcome.
I have now been forced to watch the entirety of the Twilight series (at least until October) and I have to say, this is the worst of the lot. They stopped even trying to pretend anyone who wasn't already a Twilight fan would be interested in these movies. Nobody is introduced, random people speak lines and then are never seen again (Maggie Grace? Really?) and it's supposed to create some sort of dramatic tension.
In a word, baffling.
It starts with the wedding of Sparkles McFangface to Stick Girl. Chief No-Peeing-on-the-Carpet is very upset by his invitation, presumably because he wanted to be the flower girl and not an usher. He turns into an orange marshmallow wolf and runs away to lick his own genitals since it's clear now (like it hasn't been for the last three movies) that Stick Girl is never going to do it for him. Tough break, kid. Next time, be a director.
Yeah, I went there.
Little Wooden Doll is very happy because she's finally going to get to be a vegetarian vampire (ugh) like her sparkly smooshy-bear. For his part, Fangface whisks her away to a private island so they can have some alone time...to play chess and engage in the most awkward wedding night since Liza Minnelli's. I will say that, when she is not doing her flycatcher impersonation, Kristen Stewart is actually quite pretty. Unfortunately, those moments are few and far between.
But that's okay, because once she finds out she's spawning a miniature fake-bacon vampire, the focus shifts from her "how do I get my obviously gay husband to look at me now that he's performed his nuptial duties?" dilemma to Chief Barks-at-Passing-Cars. He is shocked that two people who went on a honeymoon would come back when one of them gets pregnant. Shocked and appalled, because ew! She's huge now. Due to the length of the average Twihard's attention span, the development of the fetus is sped up to ludicrous levels and Stick Girl turns into Lumpy Spawn-Carrier in about ten minutes. Puppy Breath runs and tells all his doggie friends that Stick Girl is expecting and they lose their collective doggie minds, declaring war on the vampires. Seriously, one of these two groups needs to just move. They are the worst neighbors.
Anyway, Stick Girl is being eaten alive by her stupid progeny and gets almost skinny enough for the cover of Vogue before the fetus karate chops her spine in half and Fangface has to do an emergency C-section...with his teeth. I had heard that part in the book was incredibly graphic and I was curious how they were going to handle it in a PG-13 manner. It was very tastefully done, with lots of blurring and seizure-inducing flashes of darkness. The creature is born and from the first moment Dogboy sees her, he knows his red rocket won't fly for anyone else. Which is gross because she's like a minute old. Stick Girl dies despite being shot with Fangface's "venom" in pretty much every limb. But she's not really dead because there's a part two of this movie coming in October. "But what about that whole 'war against the vampires' the werewolves declared?" you ask. Well, kiddies, since Dogboy chose Baby Vamp as his soulmate, the werewolves can't harm her or they risk breaking their most sacred law that no one had ever heard of or mentioned prior to this movie. And that's what we in the writing biz call "Getting Out of a Corner You Painted Yourself Into".
I'm sure Christy thought I was just being a hateful bitch (which I usually am) when I asked if this movie had a plot, but I was genuinely curious. The wedding and the honeymoon bits lasted fucking forever and served absolutely no purpose as far as I could tell. Rob called it fan service. I call it two hours of my life I'll never get back.
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I'm just going to roll up my review of the second part like I did with Deathly Hallows. Christy dragged me to the theater to see the final half of this final movie. I was not pleased. Consider this your SPOILER warning.
When we last left Little Wooden Doll, she was being turned into a vampire. Yay for her. She adjusts to her new abilities a lot better than she adjusts to the news that her faithful doggie companion Jacob has claimed her offspring. Guess she was really hoping to get rid of him after he realized she was actually married to the other guy. Personally, I would have just waved a stick for him then thrown it off a cliff. Fetch! Because Stephanie Meyers is lazy, the baby grows at an exponential rate and within 15 minutes of the movie, she's an actual child. A different vampire named Irina (Maggie Grace) sees the little abomination and thinks the worst: that the Cullens have turned a child into a vampire like Kirsten Dunst in Interview with a Vampire. Clearly, Irina is worried about what the exposure to Tom Cruise in a blond wig will do to this fledgling, so she runs off to Italy to tell the real vampires all about it. Plot-hole-filler Alice (Ashley Greene) tells the Cullens that the Volturi are coming to massacre them so they put out the word to their tastefully ethnically diverse friends around the world. Not to finally show those uppity Dracula wannabes what-for, no, it's so they can talk it out. Diplomacy! That's what's going to work here. The two sides face off over a convenient snow-covered field.
Here's where it gets awesome. That's right, awesome. Psychic plot-hole filler shows up and goes to reason with Aro (Michael Sheen), the main Volturi dude, but she can see that no matter what she tells him, he came there for a fight and he's not leaving without one. Big ass battle happens. The super-blonde father figure Cullen (Peter Facinelli) gets his head ripped off. I was not expecting it since Christy told me none of the main characters die in the book. I laughed so hard when that happened I thought I was going to get stabbed by some Twi-hard. It was amazing. Then some shitty CGI werewolves die and Christy gasps next to me like they were her flesh and blood. I'll be honest, until I saw her react I didn't even know I was supposed to recognize them as real characters. The actual actors got no face time. None. It was CGI werewolves all the way. Still, the more dead characters the better. Sparkly Wooden Doll uses her newfound powers to defend her weak-ass husband and together they manage to defeat Aro, popping his head off his shoulders like a gothy Ken doll.
And then pan out, everybody is exactly where they were and Alice is saying "...and that's what will happen if you don't leave."
Yep, all of that was her bullshit vision.
And that perfectly encapsulates everything I hate about this series. It is sophmoric and lazy, set in a world with zero consequences. You're a teenage girl in a dangerous situation? Don't worry, a man will save you. You almost die from a risky pregnancy? Don't worry, you'll just become a vampire and never have to worry about age or disease ever again. Your werewolf buddies find your child to be an abomination? Don't worry, one of them will have been destined to be her soulmate and all is forgiven. Other vampires hate you? Don't worry, some psychic will show them a vision of their future so terrible they'll just give up and go home. That's not life, that's suspended animation. It's a child's wish for the world. They might as well have coated every character in plastic or pinned them to the walls like a collection of butterflies. Beautiful, but frozen and lifeless.
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