Do not let anyone sucker you into seeing this movie. It is candy-coated poison.Goody (Alicia Silverstone) and Stacey (Krysten Ritter) are vampires living in the modern world. They're too soft-hearted to live off people, so they eat rats caught doing their exterminator jobs and take night school to appear normal. Goody was made back in 1841 but pretends to have only been a vampire as long as Stacey has (since the 1980s), even though she finds the technology of today to be absolutely incomprehensible. Still, she muddles through until Stacey starts dating Joey Van Helsing (Dan Stevens), whose father (Wallace Shawn) is a noted vampire hunter. When Stacey gets pregnant --because that's a thing that happens-- Goody realizes that the only way for her to keep the baby is to kill their Stem, the vampire that sired them, because then they'll turn human again.
I can't even begin to number the ways this movie tried too hard. It crammed in pretty much every single vampire trope, too many guest stars, and random clips from far better movies like The Cabinet of Doctor Caligari, Metropolis, and the original Nosferatu. I thought Sigourney Weaver was the one shining stand-out in this whole gloopy mess. She doesn't get the opportunity to do comedy very often and she went for it here, as the campy scenery-chewing Cisserus.
If this movie had come out in 1999, when Alicia Silverstone was still relevant, it might have been more palatable but as is, it's too syrupy, too haphazard, and too whiny. Half the movie is spent complaining about how the character doesn't feel connected to the world anymore because of the prevalence of social media. This is not news. It's not timely and it's not funny. The movie's tagline might as well have been "Wah! I'm old!"
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