Constantine (2005)

  God, I can't wait until they reboot this piece of shit movie to something actually resembling the character.  Come on, Marvel.  Do it right.

John Constantine (Keanu Reeves) is a magician destined to go to Hell when he dies because technically he committed suicide as a teen.  Yep, turns out the Catholics were right, everyone.  Until then, he acts as a one-man supernatural police force in order to maybe get enough brownie points to buy his way back to the big house.  Meanwhile, Angela Dodson (Rachel Weisz) is coming to terms with her twin sister's suicide, except that Isabel was a devout Catholic who could incidentally see the uncanny forces around her.  She convinces Constantine to stop being an asshole for five minutes and look into her sister's case.

I haven't watched this movie in at least four years.  I didn't like it then, but I thought I'd give it another chance.  Now that I've actually read the Hellblazer series, it makes me hate this film even more.  Absolutely everyone was woefully miscast, with the exceptions of Tilda Swinton and Gavin Rossdale.  Peter Stormare gets a special shout-out for being possibly my least favorite interpretation of the Devil ever.  That may have been bias on my part, though, since I've seen him play too many goofy, easily-foiled villains to be able to take him seriously. 

My three favorite Satans, in order, are:  Viggo Mortensen in The Prophecy, Al Pacino in Devil's Advocate, and Elizabeth Hurley in Bedazzled. 

At best, treat this movie as a guilty pleasure you'd never let your friends or family know you enjoy.