I was really hoping this movie would be good. New Boyfriend and I took our friend Hollie and her husband out to see it for her birthday. It was a trash fire and I felt so bad, but she got a nap during it so I guess it worked out.Intergalactic agents Valerian (Dane Dehaaan) and Lauraline (Cara Delevigne) are called to Alpha, the city of a thousand planets in order to investigate a mysterious, growing dead spot in the center of the floating conglomerate. Meanwhile, Valerian has visions of a mysterious alien race that is supposed to have never existed.
If it weren't for the visuals, this movie wouldn't even be worth typing about.
The leads are terrible together. When they are on screen separately, they're merely bad but every time they spoke to each other I wanted to take a cheese grater to my ears. We're supposed to believe that a) these two have worked together for some time, b) that Valerian is some kind of womanizing playboy, and c) that their romance is somehow desirable and/or inevitable. None of those things comes across. Dehaan is not in the least suave or good-looking enough to pull off the reformed-rake archetype and neither lead seems like they have ever met before stepping on set together.
The plot is tissue-paper thin. Sometimes that can be fun (see my upcoming review of Atomic Blonde) but in this case it's just boring.
And the side characters! What the fuck is Clive Owen doing at this stage of his career?! Ethan Hawke can be forgiven; he's obviously just there to have a good time, but goddammit, Clive. You were an Oscar nominee! Rihanna was the best part of the film and that alone should tell you something.
Honestly, this is a really pretty film but don't waste your money. If you must see it, give it a couple of months and it'll be available for free on some movie channel or in that $5 bin at Wal-Mart.
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