The Greatest Showman (2017)

  Normally, I like to wait about 24 hours before I post something so I can really think about what I've watched but not this time.  I have just got home from watching The Greatest Showman and I want to get this out there.  This is probably going to be lengthier than usual, so strap in, kiddies.

Phineas T. Barnum (Hugh Jackman) is the poor son of a tailor with huge dreams.  His wife Charity (Michelle Williams) is beautiful, gracious, and loves him unconditionally, but Barnum wants more.  He opens a museum of oddities in New York City, openly courts controversy, and along the way meets extraordinary people.  But Barnum's ambitions only ever expand higher.  Not content with the everyday masses, he courts opera singer Jenny Lind (Rebecca Ferguson) away from Europe to be his new star in order to receive the approbation of the social elites.  This new focus, however, causes him to lose sight of everything he cared for.

First, the good.  The cast in this film is tremendous.  Jackman is a firecracker, Williams is luminous, Zac Efron and Zendaya are magnificent, and Ferguson is an ice cold queen.  But the real standout for me was Keala Settle.  She is a relative newcomer with only a couple of credits to her name on IMDb but holy fuckballs, she stole this whole show as Lettie Lutz.

It is a full-out musical and all the songs are fab.  I immediately bought the soundtrack and will be listening to it non-stop for the conceivable future.

Now the bad.  It's not really a great movie.  It is trying so so hard to be but it's just not.  First of all, it is so unbelievably sappy you might get a toothache.  It doesn't feel genuine.  And it only barely includes anything in the way of actual facts about P.T. Barnum's life.  It damn sure doesn't come close to his actual personality.  This is P.T. Barnum by way of Pollyanna.

Honestly, though, I think old Phineas would approve.  The man was a born huckster and this is a beautiful con job through and through.  Barnum may have said "The noblest art is that of making others happy" but he also said "There's a sucker born every minute."  Not that I think these are mutually exclusive concepts.  You can have a great time at this film.  Just know that you're being sold paste and being told it's diamonds.

Personal story time:  I had it pretty rough going into high school.  I didn't fit in, I got bullied, and was generally ostracized.  I didn't really know how to handle it.  My parents didn't understand, couldn't.  My mom was one of the popular kids who made my life miserable and my dad is so easy-going I don't know if anyone's ever said an unkind word to him.  All my friends were also being bullied the same or worse than I was, so it's not like I could go to them for help.  We were on our own.  Then I found Very Special People by Frederick Drimmer.  It's a collection of biographies of human oddities, many of whom are portrayed in The Greatest Showman.

I don't know if I can adequately express how much that book -those people- meant to me.  They gave me hope and showed me how truly insignificant my problems were.  How could I complain about my life or how I was treated when I was healthy, had the advantage of all my limbs and faculties, and could freely move about society.  Yes, I was made fun of but nobody threw rocks at me or told me to stay away from pregnant women for fear that I would frighten them so much their babies would be born deformed.  How dare I feel sorry for myself when Cesar Ducornet was born without arms and went on to become an extremely successful painter.  We are limited only by the restrictions of our own minds and that was the greatest lesson this book taught me.

So it was wonderful to see them represented in this film.  They don't all get lines, or backstories but I knew them all the same.  JoJo the Dog-Faced Boy.  Francisco Lentini, the three-legged man.  Chang and Eng, the original Siamese twins.  Tom Thumb.  Lettie Lutz was probably invented for the movie, but Madame Clofula and Annie Jones were both real bearded women who worked for Barnum and either could have served as inspiration.  These were real people and they deserve to be celebrated and remembered.

Okay, emotional appeal time is over.  Now it's Rant time to cleanse the palate of all these feelings.

Why in the living fuck can people not shut the fuck up during a movie?  Jesus Hopscotch Christ.  I'm over here trying to eat my Twizzlers and watch Wolverine sing to the Joker's widow and some old couple just will. NOT.  SHUT.  THE. FUCK. UP next to me.  I shushed them.  They ignored me.  I passive aggressively sighed and glared daggers.  They didn't notice.  This now makes more times than not this year that I have gone to a theater and had people fucking ruin the experience because they just can't keep their dickholders shut.  I was so irritated, I had to listen to the dulcet tones of Andy Williams on the way home to remember it IS the most wonderful time of the year and I SHOULDN'T hope that couple reenacts the end of "The Little Match Girl" by freezing to death alone and unmourned.

So, yeah, The Greatest Showman.  Buy the soundtrack.  Wait for Netflix on the movie.