Nuts (1987)

  I feel like microwaved death today (not Covid) so this might be shorter than usual.  Content warning:  sexual assault, child molestation (off-screen).

Claudia Draper (Barbra Streisand) is accused of first-degree manslaughter.  But before she can get to that trial, she has to be determined competent to aid in her own defense.  Her wealthy step-father (Karl Malden) wants her declared insane and the New York prison psychiatrist (Eli Wallach) agrees.  Claudia is hostile, angry, and prone to violent outbursts.  Only her court-appointed attorney (Richard Dreyfuss) is willing to stand up to the rubber-stamping and find out why Claudia is so angry and uncooperative.

This has not aged well in terms of mental health practices or attitudes towards sex work (not everyone in sex work was abused or has daddy issues) but with the Britney Spears conservatorship just recently overturned, it is still spot-on in the infantilization and control of women.  It's not a fun watch, but Streisand is commanding.  Also, it has Leslie Nielsen in a rare dramatic role (but in a bikini brief so your mileage may vary).  It's currently streaming on Kanopy.

Journey to the Center of the Earth (2008)

I know I fucked up last week and only had one post.  Someone on Twitter said that this month has been Mondays strung together with barbed wire and damn, if that ain't the truth.  Oscar nominations come out next Tuesday so I'm gearing up to watch a bunch of depressing shit.  At least the majority of them will probably be streaming.      Anyway, here's this movie.

Volcanologist Trevor Anderson (Brendan Fraser) is stuck baby-sitting his teenaged nephew, Sean (Josh Hutcherson) for the weekend.  Sean notices that an ongoing seismic sensor has just switched on in Iceland and Trevor realizes this could be his best chance to find out what happened to his brother (Jean Michael Paré), Sean's father, who disappeared while trying to prove that Jules Verne's novel Journey to the Center of the Earth was factually accurate.  In Iceland, the pair hire mountain guide Hannah Ásgeirsson (Anita Briem) to take them to the sensor, but a cave-in sees them venturing further into the mountain and falling deep into the earth.  Taking their cue from the novel, the three must survive a subterranean world full of hazards before their opportunity to escape is lost forever.

This isn't the worst movie I've ever seen.  It's cute.  Fraser is always good in action comedies.  It's not his best work by a long shot, but even his mediocre is worth watching.  Hutcherson's character is fairly annoying, but that's not really his fault.  It's hard to play "angsty teen" without being annoying.  Briem does get kind of the short end of the stick as a supporting character/love interest but holds her own as much as she can.  

It's currently available on Tubi.

Navy SEALs (1990)

  Our 90s Cheese trend continues with Navy SEALs, a misogynistic little romp through racist military propaganda.  

A team of Navy SEALs discovers a cache of U.S. military Stinger missiles in the possession of a terrorist group during a rescue mission.  In their subsequent attempts to locate said missiles, their alcoholic hothead team member  (Charlie Sheen) goes off-piste and gets their reluctantly-engaged team member (Dennis Haysbert) killed.  The team leader (Michael Biehn) reaches out to a reporter (Joanne Whalley) for inside information about the terrorist leader (Nicholas Kadi) and everyone learns an important lesson in diplomacy and extending empathy.  Just kidding.  They blow the fuck out of like an entire city block in Beirut.  

This is a whole bunch of stereotypes wrapped in jingoistic paper with a big ironic bow.  The jokes are terrible, Sheen is walking cringe, and Whalley is given absolutely nothing to do.  Biehn excels at playing the straight man, utterly earnest with a little bit of righteous anger, but it comes off flat here because the script is so bad.  And the worst part: all the bureaucracy is 100% accurate.  That's why this movie sucks.  It's too real.  Give me Commando or Rambo III any day over this.  I don't want to see people hamstrung by a committee of REMFs looking to cover their political asses.  I want to see a dude take down a helicopter with a bow and arrow.  That's some good shit.

Navy SEALs is streaming for free on Tubi but I think it's leaving at the end of the month, so you might want to hurry.

Poison Ivy (1992)

Happy Martin Luther King, Jr. Day!  Here's a totally unrelated movie!  Content Warning:  suicide, animal killing (dog)

This wasn't nearly as sleazy as I thought it was going to be for something that spawned three direct-to-video sequels.  Don't get me wrong, the subject is totally gross but director Katt Shea avoids the easy Skinimax exploitation and manages to make a lolita free from male gaze.

Sylvie Cooper (Sara Gilbert) is an antisocial, awkward teen rebelling against her rich but distant parents.  Then she meets Ivy (Drew Barrymore), a sexually precocious manipulator from the wrong side of the tracks.  Within weeks, Ivy has charmed all three Coopers, especially Darryl (Tom Skerritt).  By the time Sylvie realizes how deep Ivy's hooks are, it is much too late.

This could have been much, much worse.  I was extremely skeptical when I saw it added to the Criterion Channel but honestly, it's a better film than Showgirls or Basic Instinct and hasn't received nearly the same cult classic love.  It definitely has a B-movie sensibility but there's a kind of charm in that.  And there's a blink-and-you'll-miss-it young Leonardo DiCaprio in an early role.  I didn't hate it but I 100% would not seek out any of the sequels.  

Project Power (2020)

  This is another Tyler pick because I have been sucked into a TV black hole.  I finished season one of Mr. Robot and I just now finished season 2 of Mobile Suit Gundam 00.  Two wildly different takes on technology and the future of the human race.

A new drug has hit the streets of New Orleans.  Power is a genetic enhancer that gives the user an unspecified superpower for five minutes.  Maybe you can breathe fire.  Maybe you'll explode.  That's part of the mystique.  Street dealer Robin (Dominique Fishback) just wants to sell enough to take care of her mom's diabetes, but she is caught by Art (Jamie Foxx), an ex-soldier trying to shut down supply.  Robin must quickly sort out her loyalties in order to stay alive in a dangerous and unpredictable world.

This is a solid action movie.  The CGI is good, the performances are good, and the pacing is spot on.  The story is a little heavy-handed at times but that's not necessarily a bad thing.  Sometimes you're not in the mood for subtlety.  This is not subtle.  It is big and loud but anchored by an excellent performance from Fishback, an actress to watch if there ever was one.  She has a beautifully expressive face.  Foxx and Joseph Gordon-Levitt are always consummate professionals, balancing comedic delivery with action.  I actually wouldn't mind them in a buddy comedy, to be honest.  

It's streaming on Netflix if you're in the mood for something that isn't a remake, revamp, sequel, or tentpole.

Eternals (2021)

  Tyler's been wanting to watch this since it dropped on Disney+ last week.  It feels slightly out of phase, since we had seen No Way Home first, but they don't connect at all.  In fact, Eternals feels like an entirely new phase of the MCU with zero crossover.

The Celestials have sent ten Eternals to protect Earth from Deviants.  Remaining untouched by time, they have become figures of legend, but it has been much harder to stay apart from humanity.  Sersi (Gemma Chan) works as a high school teacher and has a human boyfriend (Kit Harrington).  Phastos (Brian Tyree Henry) got married.  Druig (Barry Keoghan), well, Druig started a cult in the Amazon but that's a different story.  Anyway, Sersi is doing just fine until her ex-boyfriend Ikaris (Richard Madden) shows up, along with a new breed of Deviant which has killed the Eternals' leader, Ajak (Salma Hayek).  Ikaris wants to rally the team but Sersi is chosen to lead.  Unsure of her role, her skills, and even her feelings, Sersi has to step up into the lead in order to save the earth.

The movie is visually stunning but there was always going to be a problem having to introduce ten brand new characters.  It's big and weird and opens a whole lot of new storylines, which is great.  It also sets up the next Big Bad, I think.  Beyond Kang the Conqueror, I think the next one is Galactus.  (As a side note, why are all the MCU villains coded purple?  Thanos was purple, Kang's magic is purple, Galactus is purple.  They're going to fuck around and make Phase 5's villain Grimace.)  There is a mid-credits scene which has strong Guardians of the Galaxy vibes, and a post-credits scene which sends everything in an entirely new direction.  Hopefully, the next Eternals movie can just go even bigger and weirder without having to spend a lot of time on set up.  It's currently streaming on Disney+.

In the Mouth of Madness (1994)

  This is feeling less like escapist horror and more like a documentary.  

Insurance adjuster John Trent (Sam Neill) is hired by a publishing company to track down their most profitable writer, Sutter Cane (Jürgen Prochnow), after Cane disappeared owing one last completed novel.  Trent is ordered to find Cane, or at least retrieve the manuscript, and take Cane's editor, Linda Styles (Julie Carmen), with him.  Trent and Styles find the small New Hampshire town that features in Cane's novels.  Trent thinks it's because Cane's a hack, but Styles knows that the town is supposed to be fictional.  The longer they stay in Hobb's End, the more they begin to believe that Sutter Cane is writing the future.

I love John Carpenter.  I've seen all but five of his feature films.  They are all great, even the crap ones.  There's just something so fun about his movies and this is no exception.  Sam Neill is full of swagger, Prochnow is unhinged, Carmen smolders, and Charlton Heston cashes a check.  It's wild Lovecraftian horror filled with absolutely gross practical effects.  Unfortunately, it is not streaming anywhere so if you want to see it (and you do, trust me) you're going to have to buy or borrow it.  It is absolutely worth it, though.  

And hey, for a whiplash-inducing double feature, there's a romantic comedy with John Candy that explores a similar concept about a person writing reality called Delirious that I remember being excellent but I also haven't seen it in probably 25 years.

The Avengers: Endgame (2019)

This is the first time I've rewatched it since the theater.  I think, given the circumstances that followed, this was the last time I had a good theater experience.  Like, a real one, where everyone in the room was equally as invested.  People lost their minds when Cap picked up the hammer.  When the portals opened.  When everyone came back.  People cried.  And they did it together.  Now, three years into a pandemic, that's the most unrealistic part.  Ah, the good old days.  Anyway, watching it at home is boss because you can pause and go get snacks.  I'm still salty about how they fridged Black Widow, but they gave us Yelena and Kate Bishop, so I am mollified.  Originally watched 27 Apr 2019.    Okay.  I am in Scotland and I am slightly drunk but I couldn't let this weekend go by without blogging about Endgame.  Even though a lot of it is going to be white text to avoid spoilers.

SO MANY SPOILERS.

You have been warned.

But also white text because I'm not an asshole.

Seriously, you gotta watch the movie.

Okay, so Thanos (Josh Brolin) wiped out half the universe and everyone was sad.  The survivors tracked him down to his retirement home only to discover that he destroyed the infinity stones so no one could reverse his work.  Then Thor (Chris Hemsworth) killed him.  Cut to five years later and the only one who has moved on is Tony Stark (Robert Downey Jr) who now has married Pepper (Gwyneth Paltrow) and has a daughter.  A rat accidentally frees Scott Lang (Paul Rudd) from the quantum zone and he reconnects with the Avengers.  He has a crazy plan to get the infinity stones from various points in time before Thanos has acquired them.  This leads to a greatest hits remix of some of the most memorable moments from the other 22 movies in the MCU.  Also, FAT THOR!  Baby Scott Lang!  Tony having a heart to heart with his dad!  Oh my God, so many emotions!  You will laugh, you will cry, you will cry some more!

Nearly every single person from the MCU makes an appearance.  It is the Live Aid of superhero movies.

Encanto (2021)

  Okay, this definitely would have kicked something off my top ten list if I had seen it in time.  

The Madrigal family live in an enchanted village, in a magical sentient house, and everyone in the family has a magical gift, except Mirabel (Stephanie Beatriz).  An outsider in her own family, Mirabel is the only one who can see the magic is fading, that cracks are appearing in the walls.  The only way to find answers is to see the last broken prophecy of her Uncle Bruno (John Leguizamo), who could see the future and left the family because of it, before the magic is gone for good.

Whoo boy, there is a lot of generational trauma in this movie.  And songs.  Are you an overachieving firstborn terrified of ever looking like you're struggling?  "What Else Can I Do?"  How about a middle child people pleaser worried sick over ever letting anyone down ever?  "Surface Pressure"  Youngest kid sad about never measuring up to the standards of your older, cooler siblings?  "Waiting on a Miracle"  Whatever your damage, there's a song for that!

It's a fun, vibrant musical that captures all the joy and horror of extended family.  It's currently streaming on Disney+.

The Matrix: Resurrections (2021)

  I missed yesterday because I was baking six dozen cookies as part of my New Year Challenge (it's on Twitter).  I cannot apparently do two things in the same day.  But it works out because I definitely don't have a post for today.  I finished Ash vs Evil Dead season 3, Supergirl season 3, American Gods season 1, and tried to watch The Following but gave up after three episodes.

Bugs (Jessica Henwick) is investigating a modal program in the remnants of the matrix when she activates a program designed for one purpose: to find Neo (Keanu Reeves).  Now living as Thomas Anderson, visionary game designer, Neo has been lost in his own personal hell.  He still sees enemies around every corner, but his analyst (Neil Patrick Harris) is helping him work through it.  The only bright spot is seeing Tiffany (Carrie-Anne Moss) come in to the same coffee shop every day with her husband and three children, but even that is bittersweet.  It still takes a monumental effort for Bugs and Morpheus (Yahya Abdul-Mateen II) to convince him to make the choice to save his own life and by extension, all of humanity again.

I did watch it before the year was up but it didn't make my top ten list.  I think it was too soon.  If I had seen it earlier in the year and had time to think about it, it might have rated higher.  The Matrix series has always excelled at "big, dumb action covering big, dumb philosophy" but you really do need to watch this one multiple times.  There's just so much going on.  It does a good job balancing fan service with a new story and manages to poke fun at itself along the way.  Abdul-Mateen is great as the new Morpheus, given that those are some big shoes to fill, while NPH and Jonathan Groff chew scenery with the best of them.  You don't need to watch the two previous sequels but it does kind of help.  

It's running in theaters but it's also on HBO Max until Jan 6 so you still have a little time to watch it at home if you like.

As We Limp Into 2022

 I reviewed 205 movies/TV shows this year but only 17 of them were actually released in 2021.  The second year of the pandemic put a glacial chill on my desire to be among other human beings in general, but especially in a dark windowless room.  Fortunately, this was a bumper year for streaming as the line between cinematic and made-for-TV got blurred.  If it hadn't been, I don't know that I would have seen anything this year.

10.  Kate - There were several Girls Kick Ass movies that came out this year but Mary Elizabeth Winstead held it down like very few others.

9. Luca - It was not a good year for animated movies for me personally.  I think I only saw like two of them but Luca was a great, family-friendly movie.

8. Gunpowder Milkshake - I love badass assassins with a heart of gold and this bumped over Kate by also having Michelle Yeoh and Angela Bassett on tap.

7. Venom: Let There Be Carnage - My favorite rom-com of the year.

6. Dune - I really didn't know until I was putting my list together if Dune was going to hold up to the end of the year.  It really is a masterful sci-fi epic, though.

5. The Conjuring 3: The Devil Made Me Do It - I had to get in my favorite horror franchise.  It's not as good as the original but I love the dynamic between Vera Farmiga and Patrick Wilson so much.

4. Black Widow - Gave us Yelena Belova and we really couldn't have asked for more.

3. Shang-Chi and the Legend of the Ten Rings - This was on track to be my favorite Marvel film until NWH came out.  I still love it and it's an instant classic that I will revisit again and again.

2. Spider-Man: No Way Home - But I had to give it up for a fucking pitch perfect Spider-Man movie.

1. The Suicide Squad - And three Spideys still wasn't enough to unseat James Gunn's comic book masterpiece.  He made me care about Polka Dot Man and a girl who controls rats.  That is witchcraft of the highest magnitude.

So, as usual, these are my choices for favorite films.  Not "Best" films, but the ones that made me smile the most.  2021 didn't give a lot of us many chances to smile but we took the ones we got and ran with them.

Here's what I'm looking forward to in the coming year:

The 355 - This was pushed from 2021 to 2022 because of the pandemic and is probably going to go straight to Netflix on January 7.  I am okay with this.

Morbius - Another Spider-Man antihero gets a shot at fame.  Can it tap into the Venom magic?  Who knows.  January 28.

Death on the Nile - Pushed from 2021, this big budget remake crams a ton of stars onto a boat and gives Kenneth Branagh another chance to wax his mustache as Poirot February 11.

Uncharted - Tyler is super mad about this because he still wants Nathan Fillion to be the star.  I don't think casting is going to save it from the video game adaptation curse but what do I know?  Feb 18.

The Batman - Here we go again.  March 4

Doctor Strange in the Multiverse of Madness - It'll be nice to see Wanda fucking stuff up again.  May 6.

Thor: Love and Thunder - This is going to be insane and I'm here for it.  July 8.

Black Adam - Honestly, it's been so long since Shazam that I kinda don't care about this anymore but I might again by July 29.

Spider-Man Across the Spider-Verse Part One - Super excited for this.  October 7.

The Flash - At this point, I'm convinced this movie is just a collective delusion.  It's not real, it's not happening, and Nov 4 is just an arbitrary date.

Aquaman and the Lost Kingdom - I just really want them to have better costumes this time.  Dec 16.

Not a lot, really, when you think about it but I'm sure more will get announced as the year progresses.  There will be surprises, hits and misses, and I'll be here to catalog and review them as always, so you don't have to.  Happy New Year, internet.