Tuesday, February 20, 2024

Napoleon (2023)

Nominated for Best Visual Effects, Best Production Design, and Best Costume Design    Yikes on bikes, guys.  This is the worst Ridley Scott film I've ever seen.  Content warning:  war violence, animal death (horses), decapitation, suicide attempt, some gore

After the Revolution, a young(ish) military officer named Napoleon Bonaparte (Joaquin Phoenix) rises quickly through the ranks based on his extraordinary ability to commit large-scale violence.  He meets Josephine (Vanessa Kirby) at a party and eventually marries her.  His victories abroad continue even as France is buckling under its change in government and steps in as Emperor after a small coup d'etat.  He is deposed and exiled but comes back like a bad rash until his final defeat at Waterloo by Arthur "The Beef" Wellesley, Duke of Wellington (Rupert Everett).

I vaguely remember seeing the marketing hyping this as a love story between Napoleon and Josephine, and I have to say it definitely isn't.  Kirby and Phoenix have zero chemistry together or separately, with Kirby looking like an ice sculpture and Phoenix whining like a buzzsaw made of mosquitoes.  The writing is spectacularly awful and the editing was done by a Magic Bullet.  It is very pretty though.

Ridley Scott made this.  Ridley Blade Runner Gladiator motherfucking ALIEN Scott made this.  I am gobsmacked.  And I've seen House of Gucci.  I'm not even angry; I'm just disappointed.

It's streaming on Apple+.  Don't do it.  Love yourself.

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