Last of the Mohicans (1992)

  Okay, a little background. This is sooooo not my type of movie. As a matter of fact, I have previously made fun of it. Why would I put myself through the bullshit of watching it, you ask? I'm a really nice person.

*THUD*

That was the sound of me laughing myself out of my chair and onto the floor. I'm better now. My cousin's birthday is coming up in a couple of weeks and for her present, I offered the following: I would watch any three movies of her choosing with an open mind and I wouldn't trash them to her face. It was originally only one movie but she couldn't decide so I upped it to three with the caveat that I could be as mean as I wanted to online, just not to her face. I felt this was a generous offer.

Some background on my cousin: She's smart, funny, really pretty (seriously, I won't talk to uggos, even if I'm related to them), and mostly awesome. She only has one major flaw, which is that she's nice. I mean, like, she believes in the basic goodness of mankind. I'm trying to beat it out of her but it manifests in this disturbing preference for movies that involve feelings. /shudder

My idea of a sentimental movie ending is the protaganist tenderly placing the desecrated corpse of his enemy as a tribute on the grave of his slain love/mentor. Her movies end with a wedding and/or baby.

Still, never let it be said that I am close-minded (I totally am) or rigid (completely inflexible) when it comes to respecting other people's tastes in movies. With that in mind, I present: Last of the Mohicans (polite clapping)

The first thing I noticed about this movie were the opening credits (hardy har). Specifically, the name Michael Mann jumped out at me. I had heard this name but I couldn't place it. A quick internet search later and it turns out this guy has produced/written/directed a whole bunch of movies that never seemed interesting enough for me to watch and Heat, which was a good film. In linear spacetime, this movie was like his first super-big one which made me much more forgiving of its flaws.

Flaws like incredibly long pauses while the characters stare at each other (I think it's supposed to connote sexual tension but just seemed like they couldn't think of anything to say), stupid dialogue when they finally do talk, and generally not being believable as two people who are madly in love. Hell, they can't even pull off being credible as a Scotswoman or a white dude raised by Indians. Madeleine Stowe can't fake any accent and I kept waiting for Day-Lewis to ask for a pint of Guinness.

Before she gets all depressed that I hated her favorite movie, let me throw out that I liked everything else in the film. The bad guy was a seriously bad motherfucker (never trust anyone that speaks exclusively in third person), the English were all arrogant assholes, and the two actual Indians were pretty likeable. The action sequences were extremely well-done, large-scale things and the cinematography was beautiful. There was one scene early on of a red bridge over a completely still river and the reflection of the arch is so perfectly mirrored in the water that it looks like a seamless circle. I wanted to screenshot it and save it as the background for my computer. Sadly, I lack the skills required for that sort of endeavor. I can barely link shit to this blog. A Photoshop wizard, I am not.

So, yeah. I'm guessing only me and a bunch of dudes are the only people who've NOT seen this movie so I don't really know to whom I would recommend it. If you're a girly girl, you've seen it; if you've just hit puberty and you're a girl, your mom has shown it to you; and if you're a dude, you don't want to see it because there isn't enough action to balance out the shitty romance part. So I'm just going to stop now.