Tequila Sunrise (1988)

  So, I'm really trying to get posts up about every movie that I watch, in an effort to show you exactly how little of a life I lead I guess. I kind of dropped the ball on Billy Jack, but you wouldn't have been interested in it anyway. I might still do one at some point, if the Netflix well runs dry or something. 

Don't you hate movies that look so awesome on paper and fail so miserably in execution?  Look at that poster.  Late 80's Gibson, Russell and Pfeiffer, each one at their (arguable) peak of hotness all in one movie together.  Plus, Raul Julia.  How the fuck could this go wrong?

Here's how:  it makes not one goddamn lick of sense.  Not one.  Mel Gibson is a retired drug runner.  Okay.  No one ever "retires" from drug running in a movie without faking their deaths and moving to another country. 

Kurt Russell is a childhood friend of Mel's turned cop.  We are expected to believe that he is a good cop, despite the fact that he's a manipulative asshole whose best friend is a drug runner.

Michelle Pfeiffer is a hostess at a restaurant.  No fucking way.  Sure, it's her restaurant but you can't expect me to believe that a woman who looks like that is involved in the day-to-day crap of ordering inventory, paying bills, and managing the staff. 

"Gee, did I remember to order more tomatoes?  Who fucking cares?  I'm gorgeous."

So, as far as I can tell, plot goes something like this:

Mel Gibson:  I'm not a drug runner any more!

Kurt Russell:  I don't believe you.  But I'm going to hang around and pretend we're cool so I can keep you from being busted by the DEA/do it myself if there's any way for me to look good.  Who is that?

Michelle Pfeiffer:  I run a restaurant.  PS:  I'm way too pretty for this bit part.

MG:  /love

KR:  /boner  Hey, Michelle, even though I'm fully aware my friend is totally in love with you how's about I hit that while I got a chance?

MP:  Okay.

KR:  Hey, while I'm boning you, do you mind if I also use you to keep tabs on my friend who, by the way, is totally in love with you?

MP:  Uh...wait, what?

KR:  Great!  You're a peach.

MP:  Hey, Mel, your friend is kind of an asshole and I don't think I want him seeing my spectacular naked body anymore.

MG:  /love

Raul Julia:  I think I'm supposed to be a villain but how can you hate on me when Kurt is obviously way more of a douche?  /SIIIING!

MG:  Seriously you guys, I totally quit selling coke.  I don't know why you're all hanging out at my house.  Also, I'm in love with Michelle. 

MP:  Let's have sex in your hot tub!

MG:  /loveboner

RJ:  You fuck like a champion!  ((Real quote.))

Then there's some complicated shenanigans involving half a million dollars, some worthless cocaine, a DEA guy getting screwed over, boats exploding, and a proposal.  This could have been a Bollyhood production if only there had been some sort of dance number in the third act.