Guys, I tried to find a poster that didn't look like the worst thing ever. This was as close as I could get. I'm sorry.Dakota Fanning only has about five minutes' worth of screen time anyway since this movie is prejudiced against good actors.
Here's the thing: I am not a Twilight fan. I saw the first movie (at Christy's behest) and wanted to claw my eyes out and/or destroy every copy. I have avoided it and its adherents like they're leprosy carriers. And then my cousin picked it as her Birthday Bonus.
So I have now sat through 2 of the (eventual) 5 movies. This one was directed by the guy who did American Pie, which does not recommend it. Surprisingly, there are no slapstick gags, or plot points involving baked goods. That may have actually improved it.
Look, I give my cousin a lot of shit for liking this series because I think it's juvenile, sappy, and an unforgivable affront to the vampire legend. The sick part is my cousin generally agrees with me. I was texting her throughout the process with little comments like "Her (Kristen Stewart) nightmares sound like a pig being killed." AND SHE AGREED! Despite its many flaws, she apparently likes it this way. I don't know.
Its faults are legion but I probably could have enjoyed myself if they had recast the two leads. Kristen Stewart has all the acting ability of wet carpet and I simply do not understand how anyone finds Robert Pattinson attractive. Exacerbating his problem are the "gold" or red contact lenses all the vampires wear. It doesn't make them mysterious or sexy. It just makes them look like they all have pink eye. Blue or even violet would have made a better, more arresting, choice on him.
The werewolf kid is the only one who might have a future career when all this Twi-tard nonsense is over. He managed to overcome a bad weave and terrible dialogue to put forth a little bit of character.
That brings me to the CGI werewolves. Oh dear God in heaven. I'm not asking for An American Werewolf in London, but could you at least try and not make them look like marshmallows in fur coats?
The dialogue is so godawful in this movie that Christy had to yell at me for texting her codes to a cell phone game I was playing while I was supposed to be watching it. I had already given myself a manicure AND pedicure, what else was I supposed to do?
To be fair, there was a moment in the film that could have been extremely sexy. The Anti-Meryl-Streep has to go to Italy to prevent Sparkles McFangface from exposing himself (as a vampire! Naughty gutter-minds!) to a square full of people so that other (better) vampires will kill him. She slo-mo runs through a fountain and hurls herself bodily at him before he can step into the sunlight. Could have been sexy.
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| If this... |
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| had been this and... |
Now, if you'll all excuse me, I have to go mentally rewrite the movie to star those two instead.
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