Catwoman (2004)

  I watched this on purpose.  I saw it in theaters, knowing nothing about it, and walked out so angry I couldn't see straight.  That was ten years ago.  I thought that maybe I had just blown the incident out of proportion.  It couldn't be that bad, could it?

Indeed it can.  Rob and I looked for a Rifftrax version but they haven't done one yet, which saddens me.  If ever a movie deserved to be lampooned, it's this one.

Patience Phillips (Halle Berry) is an ad designer for a cosmetics company.  She learns a secret about the toxicity of a new product and is killed to keep it quiet.  Then a cat named Midnight resurrects Patience to be a catwoman, which involves an aversion to dogs, a penchant for theft, and probably the urge to chase mice. 

The movie portrays Patience as having a crisis of identity but it could be said to suffer the same.  It can't decide if it wants to be a comic book movie, a romantic comedy, or a thriller about a poisoned cosmetics line.  Here's how I imagine the conversation went:

Someone at Warner Bros.: "People want a Catwoman movie.  Let's do one, but we'll set it somewhere that isn't Gotham City and has no relation whatsoever to Batman or any other DC characters."
Someone else:  "Okay, but how is that still a Catwoman movie?"
Warner Bros. person:  "We'll tie it to mythology.  Get a lot of pictures of masked women holding cats."
Other Guy:  "Ok, so it's an origin of the mythos?"
Warner Bros. person:  "No, we'll make it a mystery!  About makeup!  Women love makeup."
Other Guy:  "Okay, that's half the population.  What about the men?"
Warner Bros. person:  "We'll get someone really hot to walk around in black fetish gear and make cat puns.  Problem solved.  Now pass me that bucket of cocaine and call in some more hookers."

Featuring cringe-worthy dialogue, horrendous CGI, and lacking even the most basic character development, Catwoman is a total mess and should be avoided at all costs.