Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter (2012)

  And the streak of good movies has been broken.  I wanted to like this one.  I liked the book, which ended up being part of the problem since the movie is nothing like the book. 

I know what you're thinking:  "they so rarely are," but this was like the author sat down and re-wrote the whole thing from scratch.  I did not approve.

Abraham Lincoln (Benjamin Walker) was more than just a President, lawyer, and orator.  He also defended the nation from its greatest threat:  vampires!  After his mother is killed by Jack Barts (Marton Csokas), young Abraham decides to devote his life to killing bloodsuckers.  Aided by mysterious benefactor Henry Sturgess (Dominic Cooper), Abraham learns to wield his silver-coated axe to best effect.  But vampire leader Adam (Rufus Sewell) plans to take over the entire country from his Southern power base, using enslaved Africans as food sources.  How can one man stand in the face of such evil?  Become President and take on the issue from a policy standpoint, that's how!

The reason the book was such an enjoyable read is that a serious effort was made to tie vampire hunting into the fabric of Lincoln's actual life.  Seth Graham-Smith took a biography of Lincoln and spliced in a backstory of a boy whose life is irrevocably changed by vampires.  It's an entertaining fictionalized history that doesn't turn our sixteenth President into an action figure capable of felling a 100-ft pine with a single axe blow.

I honestly would not have guessed that the same novelist also wrote that screenplay.  I don't know if he felt pressure from the director or from the studio or just thought "fuck it, this'll be hilarious."  Every historical detail was completely stripped, whole new plots and a host of new characters were added, turning it into a straight-up action fantasy reminiscent of Underworld.

I saw the 3D version and I would not recommend that to anyone.  It was muddy and completely unnecessary to convert.  Christy saw the regular 2D version and reported that it was beautifully shot and every fight scene was crisp as a fresh apple.  She definitely got the better end of that deal.  Rob hadn't read the book and so didn't have the problems that my cousin and I had with it.  His main issue was the terrible pacing.  The movie is only an hour and forty-five minutes but it feels like two and a half hours.

If you've read the book and liked it, I'd say skip this one completely.  If you don't plan on reading the book or you're going to read it after, wait for the rental.