The Crow: Wicked Prayer (2005)

   I give Christy a lot of crap for her shitty taste in movies.  She values sentimentality over substance a lot of times, or owns movies because they were bargain-priced, or because they were the only ones available.  I say that indicates a lack of sophistication but really it's simply a matter of preference.  She likes what she likes because of how it makes her feel when she watches.  But she's my cousin so I get to bust her balls over her pedestrian inclinations towards schmaltz, melodrama, and slapstick.

This, however, is the worst movie I have ever owned.  It's possibly the worst movie I have ever seen. It is trainwreck bad.

Jimmy Cuervo (Edward Furlong) is a parolee living outside the Raven Aztec reservation.  He plans to run away with his girlfriend Lily (Emmanuelle Chirqui), the chief's daughter, but they are killed by a Satanic cult who want to raise the Antichrist.  The Crow brings Jimmy back so he can go after the cultists, led by his childhood friend Luc Crash (David Boreanaz) and Luc's girlfriend Lola (Tara Reid).

According to Wikipedia, this movie got a one-week theatrical release in Seattle, Washington in June of 2005 and then went direct to video.  I don't know what any of the principal actors were thinking.  That's not going to stop me from wildly speculating.  Furlong and Reid were probably doing it to pay for drugs.  Boreanaz was coming off the show Angel and just needed a paycheck to get him through until Bones started airing in September of 2005.  Chirqui is a beautiful woman but her career is not exactly hitting A-list heights.  Danny Trejo is in this as her father and has baldly stated in interviews that if you can meet his fee, he will be in your movie, regardless of quality.  Dennis Hopper is also in this as a pimp named El Nino.

EL NINO.

But Dennis Hopper was an honest-to-God legend and if he wanted to slum and play a pimp (named El Nino) in a godforsaken third sequel to a cult classic then that is what he is going to do.

The dialogue is awful, the special effects are cheesy, the shots of the crow flying are taken directly from footage of the first movie, and the fight choreography is so bad.  So bad, you guys.  You can clearly see that not a single punch is within the same area code as the person being punched, so they just kind of fly backwards for no reason.  The costumes look like someone raided Goodwill (for the guys) and Fredrick's of Hollywood (for the ladies).

I can't even burn the disc like the toxic waste it is because it was a double-feature with City of Angels.  A movie I didn't particularly like, but don't feel it should be punished by sharing disc space with this cinematic wet fart.  So I guess I'm stuck with it.  I just hope the next time I start ragging on Christy for owning the entire National Lampoon collection she won't remember that this is one of mine.