Pigskin Parade (1936)

  Someone at Movie Club chose violence against me personally by picking two movies about football.  Fortunately, this one is also a musical and has very little to do with actual sports.

Looking for an easy victory as a confidence boost, Yale University intends to invite the University of Texas to a charity football game, but accidentally sends it to the much smaller Texas State University instead.  The underdog Texans, under the command of new coach Slug Winters (Jack Haley), are optimistic of their chances until their star player (Fred Kohler, Jr.) suffers a season-ending injury.  The coach's wife/advisor (Patsy Kelly) is undaunted, traveling to Missouri to find a replacement.  She discovers Amos Dodd (Stuart Erwin) and his sister Sairy (Judy Garland) in a melon patch and offers them scholarships on the spot, but will their homespun charm be enough to win in New Haven?

Collegiate comedies were a very popular genre for a while in the early days of film.  I suspect because that way you could have a bunch of young, fresh-faced talent that you didn't have to pay much.

This film is notable because of the amount of talent stuffed in.  There's a very young Garland, future starlet Betty Grable, Elisha Cook, Jr., future Tin Man Jack Haley, and TV stalwart Stuart Erwin.  If you watch a lot of TCM, you'll recognize even more.

It definitely feels dated but it's so up-beat and innocent, it's hard to hate on it.  There's a full-length print on YouTube but the quality sucks so you're better off paying $4 and renting it on Amazon.    

Raising Arizona (1987)

  It's a Coen Brothers weekend, apparently.  

A childless couple decide to steal a baby from a family with quintuplets, setting off a state-wide manhunt and a number of hare-brained ransom schemes.  

Everyone involved in this is so young.  Nicolas Cage is awkward and gangly!  Holly Hunter has baby cheeks!  John Goodman's face is so smooth with no laugh-lines!  

Plot-wise, it's fine.  I didn't find it funny but I kind of didn't expect to, given my recent experiences.  There's a lot of screaming.  It's considered a beloved comedy classic and if it is for you, that's great.  It did not change my mind about the Coens.  It's currently streaming on Hulu/Disney+.

Striptease (1996)

  This is one of the last few Christy-owned movies left in my queue.  It wasn't available for a long time but it just popped up on Paramount+ this month.  Content warning:  domestic partner violence, dead animal (snake, cockroach)

Erin Grant (Demi Moore) had to quit her secretarial job because her deadbeat ex-husband (Robert Patrick) cost her a security clearance so she has taken up stripping for money while she fights for custody of the couple's daughter (Rumer Willis).  This leads to an altercation between a handsy patron (Matt Baron) and a drunk Congressman (Burt Reynolds).  The Congressman is rushed out by his security but not before an enterprising stalker of Erin's, Jerry (William Hill), snaps a picture.  Jerry wants to blackmail the Congressman so he can White Knight himself into Erin's life, but doesn't realize Congressman David Dilbeck is being sponsored by a sugar baron and his hired guns.  Bodies start dropping and Miami detective Garcia (Armand Assante) finds Erin thong-deep in this mess.

This movie is fine.  It's bizarrely cast but that's (probably) part of the charm.  Ving Rhames is a scene-stealer and Robert Patrick is giving his all, but Moore is kind of wooden, Reynolds is in a different movie, and Assante seems mildly concussed.  The book is probably better.  Carl Hiaasen has written very good mysteries for many years.  But let's face it:  the only reason anyone saw this is because Demi Moore is playing a stripper.

I love strippers.  Every one I've ever met has been really cool and an extremely good judge of human nature.  Because it was the 90s, of course, the core of Erin's character has to be "oh no, when will I be able to quit stripping and be respectable" which is lame and self-loathing.  Real strippers deserve better representation.  But you could easily pair this with Hustlers as a double-feature and have a pretty good time.  Especially if you like Annie Lennox.

Watu Wote (2017)

  This Oscar-nominated short is based on a true story in case you were having too good a day today and needed to be reminded that horrible people exist.  Content warning:  terrorism

A woman (Adelyne Wairimu) confronts her prejudices when she is stuck on a bus being threatened by a terrorist group.

It's not a fun watch but it is only 21 minutes long so at least it's fast.  It's streaming on Kanopy.

Drive-Away Dolls (2024)

  I did not like this movie.  A lot of people probably will and they are welcome to it.  In related news, I now have a favorite and least favorite Coen Brother.

Marian (Geraldine Viswanathan) is stuck in a dead-end job and needs a break.  Her best friend, Jamie (Margaret Qualley), just broke up with her girlfriend (Beanie Feldman) and needs to skip town for a little while, too.  The two girls decide to use a drive-away service, basically a one-way rental car, to Tallahassee, Florida to visit Marian's family.  The catch is that they have to have the car at a specific address at a specific time.  Rule-follower Marian is fine with this but Jamie is all about the journey, not the destination.  What the girls don't know is that there is a time-sensitive package in the trunk belonging to a certain Senator (Matt Damon) who will do anything to get it back.

This had a great cast and a very well-regarded director but it fell completely flat for me.  Qualley's accent was terribly distracting and Viswanathan was given almost nothing to do.  This is a Hijinks and Vibes kind of movie and I was not on the right wavelength for it.  None of the jokes landed and I found the reveal of the MacGuffin tiresome instead of titillating.  But I will give it praise for being unapologetically pro-LGBT.

It just came off (sigh) Max so hunting it down might be a little harder but I'm sure it'll make the streaming circuit again in next few months.

Angel Heart (1987)

  This movie is Bonkers Bananapants.  It 100% is not for everyone, but if you do vibe with it, you are in for a wild ride.  Content warning:  some gore, animal death (chicken), racism, sexual violence

Harry Angel (Mickey Rourke) is a two-bit Brooklyn private eye hired by a shady lawyer (Dann Florek) on behalf of an even shadier client (Robert De Niro) to track down a singer who went missing after WWII.  The trail leads Angel from New York down to New Orleans, where old money meets Jim Crow and Southern charm covers dark magics.

Okay.  This movie is wildly racist and conflates voodoo with Satanism which is offensive to both.  It is definitely a product of its time and if that is a dealbreaker for you, that is perfectly reasonable.

However.  It is also a shockingly good metaphor for PTSD and a fairly decent noir until it careens headlong off the rails into horror.  It makes me so mad.  Because if either one of those things weren't there, I would have no problem telling everyone that this is an exploitative trash fire.  But it's not.  Argh.  It has just enough good qualities that it would make a really fun group watch with a bunch of your drunk friends.

It is streaming on Tubi and PlutoTV for free, but if you're going to watch it, use your library card and get Kanopy.  Ad breaks are going to ruin the immersion and you'll need it for this one.

That Awkward Moment (2014)

  Are the hetero dudes okay??  Is this a cry for help or just a shitty movie?

When Mike's (Michael B. Jordon) marriage falls apart, his two best friends, Jason (Zac Efron), and 
Daniel (Miles Teller), decide to make a pact that they will stay single in solidarity.  Then Jason meets Ellie (Imogen Poots), Daniel hooks up with his friend/wingman, Chelsea (Mackenzie Davis), and Mike starts sleeping with his ex, Vera (Jessica Lucas).  So now they are lying to each other, to themselves, and to their partners.  

Who is this movie for?  Like it has to be for men, right?  It was written and directed by a man and features three male leads with zero three-dimensional female characters.  Are the men going to rom-coms now?  (Trick question!  They've always gone to rom-coms.)

This is basically 40 Days and 40 Nights without the religion.  Efron and Jordon are intensely charismatic and Poots does her manic-pixie best but they are all dragged down by the leaden weight that is Teller's anti-likability.  

Frankly, this is juvenile, emotionally stunted "comedy" masking deep-seated insecurity and fear of rejection.  There's probably a lesson to be learned somewhere in there but damned if I'll provide the emotional labor to unpack it.

It's currently streaming on Starz.  

Much Ado About Nothing (1993)

  Content warning:  abuse

In fair Verona, nope.  In fair Loggins and Messina, no.  In some random Italian town where people have jobs like "Frolicker" and "Spoken Word Poet," Duke Leonato (Richard Briers) prepares to receive Don Pedro (Denzel Washington) and his entourage, fresh from winning a battle over Don John (Keanu Reeves), the prince's brother.  The duke is very excited about spending an enormous amount of time and money on an uninvited houseguest and his 40 best friends because he's hoping to catch the prince's eye with his daughter, Hero (Kate Beckinsale).  Don Pedro notices that his retainer, Count Claudio (Robert Sean Leonard), likes Hero and agrees to set up the match between them instead.  All seems well, so well that Don Pedro adds a side quest of getting his friend Benedick (Kenneth Branagh) and Hero's cousin Beatrice (Emma Thompson) to hook up.  But Don John, inexplicably allowed to walk around freely and consult with henchmen despite having just been arrested for treason, arranges to ruin the union by making it appear that Hero is unchaste.  Fuckery ensues.  Feelings are hurt.  Reputations are ruined.  Blood oaths are sworn.  And it looks like Don John is going to have the last (stilted, wooden) laugh until the humble friar (Jimmy Yuill) comes up with a plan to save the day.

This is one of my favorite Shakespeare adaptations but I will freely tell you that the gender politics of it are complete trash.  Also, Leonard and Reeves are woefully miscast and Michael Keaton is acting in a completely different film.  

But (!) if you can ignore those things and maybe drink a couple of glasses (bottles) of wine and break out the charcuterie board, this is still a really good time.  Thompson and Washington are the stand-outs here but the cast is filled with pros and it very much seems like everyone understood what they were doing and why.  I found the third act a little choppy in terms of pacing, but your mileage may vary.  Overall, it's a solid hazy summer movie with beautiful sets and very pretty people.  It's streaming on Tubi for free.  

The Mummy (1999)

You can really tell that I was on drugs when I wrote this.  This came up as a choice for Movie Club and I was very excited to revisit it.  

Egyptologist Evelyn (Rachel Weizs) is excited to find that instead of his usual junk, her brother Jonathan (John Hammond) has discovered a key from the lost city of Hamunaptra supposedly from someone who had actually been there.  Rick O'Connell (Brendan Fraser), a French Foreign Legionnaire turned adventurer, reluctantly agrees to serve as guide back to Hamunaptra after Evie frees him from his prison sentence.  Unfortunately, Rick isn't the only one who knows the location and a race ensues between two rival treasure seeking groups.  In their zeal to be the first to unlock all the city's secrets, the groups accidentally awaken Imhotep (Arnold Vosloo), a former advisor to Pharaoh Seti I who was cursed into undeath as a mummy.  Now, Rick, Evie, and Jonathan must discover how to stop Imhotep before he fully regenerates and spreads across the earth as a plague upon mankind.

 Originally posted 16 Jan 11.    As you may have surmised from the "Personal Collection" tag, this is one of my favorite movies.  Also, if you're a regular reader (and I have no idea if you are or not since no one ever leaves me any comments {except Christy}), you'll note that this means I have made it approximately halfway through my movie collection.  For those just joining, I watch my movies in alphabetical order.  Commence your judging.

I've been down with some sort of pestilence the past week and self-medicating with cherry NyQuil when at home and DayQuil when at work.  I do not respond well to drugs, possibly because I am undead or a robot, and have spent half a fortnight feeling fuzzy but irritable, like a spiky cloud.

It was in this mindset that I watched The Mummy.  I could only stay awake for about 20 minutes at a time, which means it took about 5 days to watch all the way through, but that was okay since I live alone and shun all human contact.

I actually felt quite a bit in common with the eponymous character this time around.  I, too, was greatly in need of fluids, everyone around me referred to me as a walking plague, and it was exceedingly difficult to get laid.  I was not, however, able to turn water into blood, achieve mastery over the sands, or command legions of insects.  I will keep trying.

Except for the bug thing.  I hate bugs.

The Treatment (2014)

  This movie is really gross, which is a label I generally don't apply, but somehow also really boring.  Content warning:  CSA, blood, urine

Belgian police officer Nick Cafmeyer (Geert Van Rampleberg) specializes in searching for missing children because he is haunted by the childhood abduction of his brother.  A new case involving an entire family that's been brutalized in their home leads to a deeper conspiracy with wide-ranging implications for him.

This reminds me a lot of Big Bad Wolves (derogatory).  Except way more disgusting.  Again, billed as a horror movie when it's really more of a psychological thriller.  If this is your bag, fine.  I think there are better ones.  But I also have a pet peeve about people who suck at their jobs.  And man, does this guy suck.  Maybe that hightens the realism for you.  It just made me annoyed.  Ooh, you know what?  This gave me the exact same feeling as that shitty Henry Cavill movie Night Hunter.  Except this one came first, so clearly they're both ripping off Big Bad Wolves.

Anyway, The Treatment is streaming on the Roku Channel.  Watch something else.

Batman Returns (1991)

  This remains one of the best Batman movies of all time.  Let's say it was a formative experience for Baby Me.  Content warning:  clowns, attempted infanticide

Oswald Cobblepot (Danny DeVito) rises from the sewers as The Penguin and Gotham  department store magnate Max Shreck (Christopher Walken) sees an opportunity to challenge the current mayor (Michael Murphy) for control of the city.  Cobblepot has his own agenda but is flattered by the attention from normal citizens.  Meanwhile, Shreck's overworked, underpaid secretary Selina Kyle (Michelle Pfeiffer) awakens from her attempted murder with a good deal fewer reservations than she had previously, unlocking a dangerous alter ego.  With multiple villains running around, how will Batman (Michael Keaton) prioritize?

It's funny how this could have been super-dated but instead turns out to be insanely relevant with billionaires attempting to buy elected officials in order to continue exploiting the environment and people to enrich themselves further in the stupidest possible way.  And committing violence against women.  Love this timeline.

Anyway, this movie is a stone-cold classic and a Christmas film!  Very jolly!  You should own it.  But it is streaming on (sigh) Max which is almost as good.

Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium (2007)

  Hey, look, a non-animated family-friendly post!

Mr. Magorium (Dustin Hoffman) has brought joy and toys to children for over two hundred years but now it is time to pass his magical toy store to his chosen successor, Molly (Natalie Portman).  Molly feels utterly crushed by the pressure of following his footsteps and resists, causing the toy store to lose its magic.

This has way too A-list a cast to be this bland but here we are.  It's bright and colorful and sugary and will dissipate on your brain like cotton candy, leaving not a single trace behind.  Sometimes that's all you want.  

It's only available for rent and for me, it wasn't worth it.  There are better versions of this story out there.

The Boy and the Heron (2023)

  Well, this movie was kind of bonkers.  Content warning:  dead parent, mild horror

After losing his mother in an accidental fire, Mahito (Soma Santoki) moves with his father (Takuya Kimora) to the countryside to start over with his new step-mother/aunt (Yoshino Kimura) at her family home.  He is immediately menaced by a gray heron (Masaki Suda) who tells him that his mother is not dead, merely lost inside a tower on the property.  Mahito believes this to be a trap of some kind and resists until his step-mother goes missing.  For her sake, he must brave a strange world between the living and the dead.

This feels so much more cynical and angry than Miyazaki's other works.  I don't know if that's because it's a male protagonist versus female or if the man himself is just done with subtlety.  He has retired like three times now.  

The animation is, of course, gorgeous with all of the hallmarks of Studio Ghibli.  You've got adorable amorphous blobs, child endangerment, wrinkled old giant-headed ladies, confusing quests, and perfect platonic companionship.

I have to say, though, the dad character gave me the ick.  His wife hadn't been dead a year and he already married and knocked up her sister.  Yikes.  Granted, it looked like that broad was crazy-rich but still.  Have a little decorum, man.

This was a huge pain in the ass to try and find during Oscar season and it's no less of one now.  It's available for rent but if you're a Ghibli completist, you should just go ahead and pick up a copy.  I'm not sure if I'll revisit it.

Deadpool and Wolverine (2024)

  If you have superhero or multiverse fatigue, you may want to sit this one out.  Content warning:  violence, some gore

Wade Wilson (Ryan Reynolds) is summoned by the Time Variance Authority and informed that his universe is going to fade from existence because its Anchor Being - Wolverine (Hugh Jackman) - has died.  Wade refuses to accept this, steals a timepad, and begins searching for a free Wolverine from another timeline.  Paradox (Matthew Macfadyen), the TVA section head, doesn't want a new Anchor Being.  He wants to go back to the old days when divergent timelines were pruned wholesale, so he dumps Deadpool and Wolverine into the Void, the space outside of time to be eaten by Alioth or killed by Cassandra Nova (Emma Corrin), a variant of Charles Xavier's dead twin.  Deadpool has to put together a team of discarded variants (multiple spoiler-heavy cameos) and also win over a jaded, defeatist Wolverine in order to get back to and save his timeline.

It does not have the same emotional heft as Deadpool 2 but it was still very entertaining.  I laughed a lot!  And, blessedly, everyone in the theater behaved themselves like they were out in public!  It was a very good outside-my-house experience!  (Until we left the theater and discovered that someone in the food court of the mall had been shot.  *Insert America.gif here*)

This is not going to change anyone's mind about Deadpool.  If you're mad that it invalidates Logan, that is understandable.  But personally, I don't feel like anything has been taken away.  Logan was an incredible movie that remains an incredible movie, regardless of how many spin-offs, sequels, or cameos happen.  Logan still exists as a piece of media!  You are not required to believe in any other timelines for continuity.  And Deadpool 3 acknowledges that.  

It's still in theaters but I will be buying a physical copy when it becomes available.  

Raiders of the Lost Ark (1981)

  I am actually out of town this weekend and have successfully managed to prep posts to tide you over until I return!  Like a real adult!  Content warning:  animal death (monkey), melting Nazis

Dr. Henry "Indiana" Jones, Jr. (Harrison Ford) is constantly looking for funding to finance his archaeological expeditions, although his involve a great deal more (rightfully) angry natives and poison darts than camel-hair brushes and potsherds.  As luck would have it, Indy is approached by the deep pockets of Uncle Sam himself.  The U.S. government has gotten wind that Adolf Hitler is looking for the fabled Ark of the Covenant in the sands of Egypt and by God, they are going to get it first.  The foremost expert on the Ark is Indy's former mentor but he's missing so Indy tracks to Nepal to find his daughter, Marion Ravenwood (Karen Allen), who has an artifact to help locate the Ark.  Adventure ensues!  There's digging!  Sand!  Inexplicable snakes!  Nazis!  Lore!  More sand!

This movie is exactly like having adventures as a kid using all your toys.  "And now they're on a submarine!  Why?  Because I have a submarine!"  It is the best, especially if you can let go of trying to do a close read of it and just let it wash over you.  It is basically the Ur-text of an action movie, the blueprint against which all successors must be measured.  Does it hew a little closer to its 1930s mindset that is strictly comfortable in this century?  Sure.  But at its heart, it's not trying to belittle or hurt anyone.  It's here to entertain.  

You should own this but I'm pretty sure it's streaming on Disney+.