Blind Fury (1989)/Omega Doom (1996)

A Rutger Hauer double feature? Oh, Netflix, you spoil me!

Since each film is barely over an hour long, I watched them back to back without too much hardship. I really only wanted to watch Blind Fury, although the reasons for that have escaped me at the moment, but since they both came on the same disc I figured what the hell. It's not that they're precisely terrible films but I can see why they're not exactly mentioned in the same breath as Blade Runner.

So Blind Fury is the story of a Vietnam War soldier who loses his sight in battle and is taken in by the most understanding and forgiving village of people ever in the history of the world. I know that they're really just a plot device in order to provide the main character with epic swordfighting skills (because everyone knows that if you spend time in close quarters with Asians you become a samourai/ninja/wu xia master automatically). That's kind of rammed home when the village spends an ungodly amount of time (evidenced by Rutger's lengthening hair) teaching this blind invader mastery of the stick-blade and then are never seen again. Jump to Florida, 20 years later. Nick Parker, he of the furious blindness, is a drifter looking for his old Army buddy who happens to be Locke from LOST.

Side note: Terry O'Quinn was never young. This movie was filmed in 1989 and the man looks identical to the "flashback" scenes of LOST.

Too bad Locke is a degenerate gambler in Reno who is being leaned on (ugh, that's some tortured grammar) by a casino owner. Blind Guy shows up at Locke's old house and has some tea with the ex-wife and her bratty kid just in time for the henchmen to show up, make threats, and attempt to kidnap said brat. Time to bust out the mad blading skills!

The main henchmen actually says "Not bad... for a blind guy!" I respectfully disagree. Navigating an unfamiliar house: not bad for a blind guy. Kicking the shit out of three armed opponents: fucking epic for a blind guy.

Anyway, Mom takes a shotgun blast to the stomach and Blind Guy gets roped into dragging the kid across the country to Reno. Except for some more ass-kicking in a cornfield, this whole section seemed like part of a different movie. More Dutch or Uncle Buck. I don't need to see character development between hero and annoying child at the expense of action. Imagine that Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom completely ignored that badass opening with the shootout and the poisoning and the raft out of the plane in favor of Dr. Jones coaxing Short Round out of a temper tantrum.

The rest of the movie is kind of stupid, mostly due to the most retarded "comic relief" henchmen ever. The only other part of note is a cool battle-of-the-masters-style fight between Blind Guy and a Sword-for-hire.

Omega Doom could be mentioned in the same breath as A Fistful of Dollars. Also, in that breath would be "plagiarism", "blatant", and "stupid". Not that AFOD is all that original since it was based on a Kurosawa film and it's been remade several times since (looking at you, Bruce Willis).

Omega Doom answers the question "What if everyone in A Fistful of Dollars was replaced by Terminators?" presumably asked by someone who was really high.

So the world is in the middle of nuclear winter because John Conner never came to save us and the terminators won. Humans are a rumor droids tell around the campfire at night. Rutger Hauer arrives and absolutely nothing surprising happens.

I am now going to take this moment to nerd out.

The reason AFOD works is because it creates tension by a stranger pitting two rival groups against each other and playing off their paranoia for fun and profit. This premise is completely thrown out the window when the rival groups aren't human. You can shout AI until you're blue in the face but I refuse to believe that robots would accept such illogical reasoning. Especially over something as stupid as a cache of guns. You're robots with laser throwing knives! A Beretta seems a little low-tech.

Most of the cast was female, though, of which I do approve. And no romantic sub-plot, also a plus. I have to give this movie a FAIL though for one specific line: "Don't try to confuse me with logic." /facepalm

Get Carter (1971)

So, you know I love me some revenge films right? Let me introduce Get Carter.

To put it in perspective, 1971 was the year my mother graduated high school. For me, Michael Caine was the guy who took over as Alfred the butler in Batman. He played sweet, grandfatherly types as befitted a little old British guy.

This is not that Michael Caine. This guy is young and skinny and mean as a snake. Granted, I wouldn't be in a peachy mood if somebody killed my brother and tried to cover it up, either. Still, the path of destruction this guy wreaks is pretty epic. So epic that they re-made it in 2000 starring Sylvester Stallone. I haven't seen that version so I can't tell you if there are any salient differences. Basically, Jack Carter's brother dies under shady circumstances and Jack comes back to his hometown to settle the score. There's pornography, drugs, wild parties, and a lot of nudity. The "reveal" isn't so much a twist, but it is terribly unsettling given the editing and a particular piece of gossip that I almost missed.

For some reason (I don't know if it was the disc itself or just the movie) I had a helluva time trying to hear the dialogue. I had to turn the volume up higher on my TV than I ever had to before just to make out what was being said, and since this isn't an American-made movie, the dialogue is pretty critical.

I'm not sure how spoiler-y this is (I guess it depends on how much you like British crime films) but I want to briefly mention the ending. It's not quite as darkly ironic as L4yer Cake but I felt it was sadly abrupt. Just, you know, FYI.

Man, after this and Le Samourai, I kind of wonder what the hell mood I was in when I queued these. I'm glad I didn't watch them back to back. That would have been fucking depressing.

Inception (2010)

I feel like I just ran a marathon. Without a doubt, the movie to beat for the year. Holy shit. Despite the fact that the person next to me kept trying to talk to me, this was the best time I have had in a movie theater since Iron Man 2.

I can't begin to describe the lushness of the cinematography. Every detail was exquisite. It perfectly captured that subtle wrongness that exists within the dreaming mind. Impeccable.

I am a big fan of things that challenge the perception of reality, or even that there is an overarching reality, when it isn't being used as a cop-out, like Repo Men. The multiple layers of the dreams, the symbolism of events (it's raining because somebody didn't go pee before they started dreaming); all that is like Lucy-candy. I instantly fell in love with the idea that dreams are a labyrinthine space with your deepest secrets waiting there like the minotaur to ambush you.

Best. Movie. This year. Hands down.

Le Samourai (1967)

   This movie has nothing to do with samourai. Much as the movie Ronin has nothing to do with ronin. And The Last Samourai has nothing to do with the Japanese.

It is, in fact, about a hitman who gets burned for a job by his employer. I can feel you perking back up. Let me quash your enthusiasm with a number of points:

It's in French.

There's no sex.

There's very little actual killing.

There is almost no score, which means that long parts of the movie are quiet.

But it's not a bad movie for all that. It has a very realistic feel, probably due to the utter lack of effects. Like, when our "hero" the hitman gets double-crossed and shot in the arm. The wound itself looks pretty fake. I've gotten worse bathing the cat. But he is pale and shaky as he bandages it and in subsequent scenes, he doesn't forget that he was injured and slug somebody or slide down a drainpipe. He actually, you know, acts. Silly foreigners.

Still, I probably wouldn't recommend this unless you're already a fan of French cinema. If your favorite part of The Professional (or Leon if you're a purist) was the bit of his life before Matilda moves in, this might be the movie for you. If you liked the Gary Oldman drug-fueled rants and adorable Natalie Portman-ness of it, you might want to skip this one.

Road House (1989)

   Now, this is a great movie! Yet another of the awesome 80's movies I missed, apparently. If you're not familiar with it either, here's a rundown: Patrick Swayze does Tai Chi and teaches bouncer charm school at some run-down flea-bag juke joint that can only afford blind musicians. He runs afoul of a liquor-controlling big-game-hunting asshole and has to kick the everloving shit out of cookie-cutter no-name thugs while wooing the way-too-hot-for-this-podunk-town doctor. Also, Sam Elliott. It has fantastic lines such as:

"Pain don't hurt."

and "I used to fuck guys like you in prison."

Holy shitballs, Batman. That last one is guaranteed to make even the manliest fighting man's testicles retract just a little.

But his prison rape style is no match for Swazye's Eagle Claw. Rawr!

This is definitely must-see.

The Hotel New Hampshire (1984)

This movie was recommended to me by a former coworker and I'm no longer sure how I feel about that person. I'm actually a little worried as to what that person thought of me that would make her recommend a movie this freaking weird.

Now I like weird. But weird that makes sense. Weird that doesn't make sense, that is weird for the sake of weird, I do not enjoy. This movie makes no sense. On the one hand, if I look at it from the perspective of zany madcap family adventure, it kinda almost works, like a Dadaist Swiss Family Robinson. Minus the rape, terrorism, incest, random tragedy, and suicide, of course.

Seriously, movie? WTH?

If, on the other hand, I look at it like a serious drama of a family pulling together despite hardships I am forced to overlook Wallace Shawn (the "Inconceivable!" guy from The Princess Bride) as an adventure-seeking Doctor Freud and Nastassja Kinski in a bear suit.

Motherfucking Nastassja Cat People Kinski in a BEAR SUIT.

*hunh*

That was my brain hitting the glass patio door of whatthefuckness at full speed.

I can't imagine what inducements were offered to the people, reputable people mind you, that were in this film. We're talking Beau Bridges, Joely Richardson, Jodie Foster, Rob Lowe, Matthew Modine, and even Seth Green as the spunky, red-headed, freckle-faced, baby brother Egg. Plus other familiar-faces-but-not-names who get consistent work.

It makes my brain hurt to think about it.

Despicable Me (2010)

   I just got back from seeing Despicable Me. I went into the theater depressed. You know, the kind of depression where it feels like the world is crushing you and you have no one to turn to because you've driven them all away and you're going to die alone and in despair?

...

Just me then? Okay, moving on.

So I went in depressed and I came out feeling claustrophobic and slightly homicidal. In other words, completely back to normal!

This was a fun little movie with absolutely zero surprises for anyone over 10. Okay, maybe the Box of Shame. That made me laugh. Again, most of the good gags were shown in the previews but you'll still get a couple of giggles out of them. It's not as good as Pixar, but nothing is so there's no point in comparing them. I didn't see it in 3D, and you all know why, but the end credits were specifically designed to be seen in that fashion. You may want to take that into account before you decide which dimension you'd like to watch it in.

Miss Pettigrew Lives for a Day (2008)

  This was recommended to me by my mother about a year ago. She and I are very hit-or-miss when it comes to movies. Neither of them would appreciate the comparison, but my mother has more in common with my cousin as far as tastes go.

At any rate, I borrowed a copy from my neighbor. It's not a bad movie. It's a bit like a meringue: feather-light pure sugar that melts on your tongue and leaves almost no trace afterward. There's no real substance and despite it being mostly about sex, it's not sexy. Hell, it's rated PG. It could have been much more solid in displaying some of the consequences. Frances McDormand's character is shown homeless and standing in a soup line but it doesn't feel real, because her character still has a sense of wide-eyed disbelief about the whole situation. She doesn't seem hopeless enough. Amy Adams doesn't seem desperate enough, despite her ditherings over the three men in her life, who are mostly wasted by the way. Mark Strong is nominally the bad guy but we never really discover why, other than he's just kind of a jerk. I would be too if I were paying for an expensive apartment for some flighty actress to sleep with other people in it.

Lee Pace is underused as well, which I extend to the rest of his career. He is one of my favorite character actors. His turn in The Good Shepherd and before that in The Fall should have gained much more critical and public notice. Plus he's dreamy.

You can't see it, but I'm doodling little hearts around this picture in my head.

Moving on. Miss Pettigrew is a cute movie, suitable for times when you don't really need to pay attention but you just want to have something on in the background that won't offend the neighbors. I'm giving it the 'liked it' tag but only for Lee.

Clerks II (2006)

  I have probably seen this movie half a dozen times. It's still funny. Last night I took it over to a neighbor's house. One of them had never seen it, and as you know, showing a personal favorite to the uninitiated is one of my greatest joys in life. It's like I can watch it for the first time again. I'm not generally good with people (shocker, I know) but with a movie I don't have to be.

I think this is probably Kevin Smith's most complete movie to date. I love Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back and Dogma more than this one because I think they're funnier, but Clerks II has more of a balance between the adult and the juvenile. And it has a donkey show.

People hate on Jersey Girl (for good reason) but it really was a watershed moment in Smith's oeuvre. He took a more serious ideal and built jokes around it, like a ribcage around the heart of the film. Clerks II added flesh to that structure.