The Princess and the Warrior (2000)

Der Krieger und die Kaiserin

  I guess The Bank Robber and the Loonybin Nurse wouldn't have fit on a marquee, but it would have been a much more accurate title.

This movie sucked.

I bought it a while back, when Borders started getting rid of all their movies, because it was a German film and I had only seen a couple of those, mainly M, Wings of Desire, and Run, Lola, Run which stars the same actress and was directed by the same guy, Tom Twyker.  He also did Perfume which may have been his magnum opus.

Sissi (Franka Potente) is a young nurse at a psychiatric hospital.  She gets run over by a truck while escorting a blind kid across the street.  A mysterious stranger (who indirectly caused the truck driver to be distracted) climbs under and gives her an emergency tracheotomy, saving her life.  Afterwards, her world just isn't the same so she tracks him down and finds his name is Bodo Reimer (Benno Furman), an ex-army semi-drifter who lives with his brother Walter (Joachim Krol).  The pair have a plan to rob a bank and escape to Australia.  Sissi manages to fuck that up for them and the heist goes wrong.  She hides Bodo in the nuthouse where she not only works, it's where she was raised.  That should explain a lot.

I don't often notice the score of a movie, except in a "there's a score" kind of way but this one absolutely ruined the movie.  It might have been a decent action film if the score hadn't been some weird dreamy piece that's so disconnected from the acting that it was like it belonged to a completely different movie.  It was a very deliberate thing on Twyker's part and I have no doubt that it meant something to him.  Whatever that was was completely lost on me, however.  Did not enjoy.

The Princess and the Frog (2009)

  I missed this one when it came out in theaters and I shouldn't have.  It's a great movie, a return to what made Disney animation such a powerhouse for so long.  None of the songs in particular really grabbed me but I could at least recognize that they were good songs. 

Tiana (Anika Noni Rose) is a waitress who dreams of owning her own restaurant.  Her wish seems poised to come true on the eve of the arrival of Prince Naveen of Moldonia (Bruno Campos) to New Orleans.  The prince has come in order to marry a rich bride after his parents have cut him off for being a lazy snot.  Tiana's friend Charlotte (Jennifer Cody) fits the bill and is desperate to become a princess to boot.  Unfortunately, the prince's put-upon servant Lawrence (Peter Bartlett) makes a deal with the Shadow Man (Keith David) to turn the prince into a frog.  Frog-Naveen convinces Tiana to kiss him by promising her the money to buy her restaurant.  Unfortunately, this turns Tiana into a frog as well.  The two amphibians seek out the Voodoo Queen of the Bayou, Mama Odee (Jenifer Lewis) to change them back.

Oprah, Terrence Howard, John Goodman, and even Emeril Lagasse also voice characters in the movie.

This was definitely a good purchase since I'm fairly certain I could watch this over and over again.  And I'm a grown woman.

Ponyo (2008)

Original title:  Gake no ue no Ponyo

  This is yet another Miyazaki import through Disney's Studio Ghibli.  This one was a little more irritating to me, but I am far from the target age group.  Since Disney has a ton of money to throw around, they have the best voice talent, so I watched it in English this first go-round.

Sosuke (Frankie Jonas, yes, related to those Jonases) is a five-year-old boy who lives on top of a hill with his mother (Tina Fey).  His father (Matt Damon) is a sailor on a fishing(?)-- salvage(?)-- on a boat.  One day, while playing in a tide pool, Sosuke finds a weird-ass human-faced "goldfish" stuck in a jar and names it Ponyo (Noah Cyrus, yes, it's a girl.  Actually, it's Miley Cyrus' sister.  Told you Disney had money to burn).  Anyway, Ponyo licks some of Sosuke's blood and eats some ham before her father, a sorcerer (and Liam Neeson), commands the waves to take her home.  Convinced that she loves Sosuke, Ponyo breaks into her father's study and manages to unleash some very powerful magic, which she uses to become human.  The sorcerer freaks when he finds out and has to consult with Ponyo's mother, the sea goddess (Cate Blanchett), about how to fix everything.  Here's what got me:  they're basing whether or not the world will be destroyed by the sea on whether Sosuke will be able to love and accept Ponyo.  HE'S FIVE!  Oh, and if he doesn't love her, she turns into sea-foam.  Which, I guess wouldn't be so bad considering that the entire world would be sucked back into the sea.

Anyway, it's a weird little movie based on Hans Christian Anderson's The Little Mermaid.  The animation is, as always, superb.  If you've liked other Miyazaki films, or if you have kids under 7, it's worth a rental.

Gilda (1946)

  This movie put Rita Hayworth on the map and she is stunning in it, but I didn't really like the movie over all.

The ending just ruined it for me.  It would have been much better as a tragedy (which I don't say often) rather than a tacked-on happy ending.  It just feels like pandering after how shitty the main characters were to each other.

Johnny Farrell (Glenn Ford) is a small-type card sharp who ends up in Argentina at the tail end of WWII.  He is picked up by underground casino owner Bellam (George Macready) and works his way up to head of security.  Johnny knows something is up with his boss but before he can figure that out, Bellam runs off and marries a smokin' hot redhead.  Unfortunately, Johnny knows her and thus begins an incredibly tense back and forth as Gilda throws her unavailability in his face while both of them hide their association from her husband.

Who turns out to be a cartel boss with a tungsten monopoly.

And some patents gotten from two very angry German fellows before the war ended who now want them back.

See, this could have been a darkly dangerous cat-and-mouse kind of movie but they ruin it at the end.  That was so disappointing.

Pan's Labyrinth (2006)

  Also called El laberinto del fauno, if you're interested in such things. Yet another of my weird creepy foreign films, I forced this one on Rob Sunday night.  He was trepidatious at first but grew to appreciate how beautiful it was, which was all I could have hoped for.

Ofelia (Ivana Baquero) travels with her pregnant mother (Ariadna Gil) to an old mill at the demand of her mother's new husband, a Captain in Franco's army, and a total bastard besides.  Once there, Ofelia discovers a magical world just waiting for her, as she is hailed as the long lost heir to the Underground Kingdom.  Her guide to recovering her rightful place is a giant blue faun (Doug Jones, of course) and three fairies.  This is a welcome distraction from the horrors going on around her, as the Captain (Sergi Lopez) is hunting down resistance fighters in the woods and her mother's pregnancy is filled with complications.  The faun sets her to three tasks she must complete before the moon is full.  Can she accomplish them and reclaim her fairy status before her psychotic step-father gets everyone killed?  Watch it and find out.

Before we watched it, Rob asked me if it was a sad movie.  I said "Kind of" which isn't really an answer but it was the best one I could give because 1) I'm not going to spoil the end of the movie for someone who's never seen it.  Are you kidding?  And 2) because it really does depend on which view you'd like to take.  Depending on how cynical you are, the movie is incredibly depressing at the end.  But if  you're a mainly happy person, you'll be able to see the other side, the warm rosy ending.

This is one of those rare foreign films that even people who dislike foreign films watched and liked it.  I think it's because Guillermo Del Toro had already garnered some goodwill with his Hellboy movies.  He is one of those directors whose body of work is distinctive.  I've got a couple of his earlier films in my Netflix queue and I'm looking forward to seeing how his influences have shifted or refined.

Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest (2006)

  Yet another cleaning movie.  This one I did a little better with, I only sat down to watch the giant fight scene over the chest, you know the one with Sparrow, Turner, and Norrington fighting for the key on that giant mill wheel.  Man, I love that choreography.

The second movie finds Elizabeth Swan (Keira Knightley), her betrothed Will Turner (Orlando Bloom), and former suitor James Norrington (Jack Davenport) wanted by the law (or at least the East India Trading Company) for their parts in the first movie.  The oily villain, Cutler Beckett (Tom Hollander) is willing to negotiate their lives for Jack Sparrow's compass, the one that points toward the heart's greatest desire.  The only thing is, Jack (Johnny Depp) had a previous debt with Davy Jones (a squid-faced Bill Nighy) which has come due.  The only way to get out of crewing 100 years on The Flying Dutchman is to find the chest where Jones keeps his heart and stab it.

I do love that Disney managed to get a bunch of people back for the second movie in the series, including some that you may not expect, like the two light-ladies from Tortuga (Scarlet and Giselle) that slap Jack and have apparently become BFF since then.

  These two.

Also, I was pleased to recognize Naomie Harris (28 Days Later, Ninja Assassin) as Tia Dalma, the voodoo lady.  That probably took a shitload of time sitting in a makeup chair every day but God love you, good job.  In the third movie, she starts to get a little wonky but that's a totally different review.

I know these movies are popular fluff and it's become a big deal to hate on them and call them sell-outs, but let's not fucking forget:  they were based on a ride at Disney World!  The fact that they were able to get any coherent scripts out of that is like a freakin' miracle.

Pinocchio (1940)

  Man, it's hard to believe this movie is over 70 years old.  I remember watching it on VHS as a kid and now it's a special edition 2-disc Blu-ray with a DVD and digital copy.  Kids today are fucking lucky, that's all I'm saying.

This is a classic story, even older than the Disney version so if you really need me to tell you what it's about, hi!  Welcome to the planet Earth.  Please enjoy our smoothies and beautiful national parks and don't forget to stop by the gift shop on your way back to your home galaxy.  You might enjoy watching the movie Pinocchio to while away the light-years on your return.  It's about a woodcarver named Gepetto who carves a puppet of a boy and wishes on a star that it would become a real child.  The star is actually the mail service of the Blue Fairy, a lovely creature that comes through his window and makes the puppet live.  Since it is still just a wooden doll, she gives a cricket named Jiminy the task of being Pinocchio's conscience to tell him right from wrong.  Only by making good decisions will Pinocchio get to become human.  Gepetto is overjoyed at seeing his little wooden boy and immediately sends him to school.  Just as immediately, Pinocchio runs into a walking fox named Honest John and his retarded cat sidekick.  The fox convinces Pinocchio that he should be in show biz and sells him to Stromboli, an evil puppetmaster who locks him in a birdcage.  Rescued by the Blue Fairy, Pinocchio runs into Honest John again and is convinced (it's not his fault; he's a literal blockhead) that blowing off school to go to Pleasure Island would be way better.  But he finds that anarchy isn't really what it's cracked up to be and escapes with Jiminy, only to discover that his father has gone out searching for him and ended up in the belly of a whale.

The animation work, especially the static backgrounds, is impeccable, years ahead of its time and the transition to high-def works in its favor.  This is definitely a classic film and well worth the addition to a collection, especially if you have kids.