The Huntsman: Winter's War (2016)

  I bought this movie to prove a very specific point: that Kristen Stewart is the reason the previous film tanked.  Without her, this should have been a great fantasy film.

And I was right.

The Huntsman (Chris Hemsworth) is happily living in obscurity in Snow White's kingdom when he is tracked down by William (Sam Clafin) and ordered to locate Ravenna's (Charlize Theron) magic mirror.  Snow White had decreed that the mirror be taken to the heart of Sanctuary where its evil could be contained but the guards she sent with it never came back.  The Huntsman knows the Ravenna's equally power-hungry sister, Freya the Ice Queen (Emily Blunt), will also be after the mirror so he and some dwarves hustle after it.  They are joined by the Huntsman's wife, Sara (Jessica Chastain), who is pissed at him for believing she's been dead all this time when she was really a prisoner of the Ice Queen.

This is not a perfect movie and probably not even a classic in the making but it is a damn fine summer film and not an embarrassment to the genre.  This finally feels like they got the right mix of action, humor, and fairy tale that they struggled with before.  If they do a threequel, I hope they dive into some of the Rose Red stories.  Those don't get enough play to be overly familiar with audiences so they could do a lot to make them fit the world they've already built.

Snow White and the Huntsman (2012)

I was concerned that my dislike of Kristen Stewart might have unduly prejudiced me against this film so I decided to give it another shot.  Turns out she really is the worst thing about it.  Everything else in the movie I could learn to like or at least live with, but not her.  She's not pretty or charismatic enough to play this role.  I keep thinking what if Lily Collins had gotten this Snow White instead of Mirror Mirror?  I don't know if that would have saved it but I think it would have given it a better chance.    Originally posted 04 Jun 12.  

Nominated for:  Best Visual Effects, Best Costume

I don't know why I thought this movie would be worth seeing.  You'd think I would know better by now that Kristen Stewart is to acting what an untreated venereal infection is to a public pool.  (Yes, I know most venereal diseases can't be spread like that, I just wanted to link 'Kristen Stewart' and 'untreated venereal infection' in a sentence to boost the Google search results.)

It is a terrible movie that could have been way better.  I'm going to go ahead and say ***SPOILER ALERT*** because I plan on getting really specific.

I know it seems obvious, but Kristen Stewart should never have been cast to play Snow White.  First, because she can't make facial expressions but mostly, because she just isn't pretty enough.  No one in that theater looked at her, then at Charlize Theron and thought "Yeah, I can totally see Kristen outshining her in a few years."  No fucking way.  Pretty much everyone in the movie is supposed to instantly fall in love with Snow White and Kristen 'Frozen Face' Stewart just does not command that kind of adoration. 

It helps that they made Theron's Queen Ravenna into the screechiest harpy possible.  In the trailers, she comes across as dark and quietly menacing, which would have been cool.  Instead, she shrieks at everyone on screen with her and chews more scenery than a flock of sheep.  Then there's the needlessly creepy addition of her brother.  He was like an albino version of Crispin Glover's Alice in Wonderland character.

I was seriously hoping the Evil Queen would turn out to be badass and I could pretend the movie was really just a tragic tale of a beautiful and just ruler being cruelly overthrown by an upstart rival.  Rob told me he didn't feel they did enough to make her a sympathetic character.  As a woman, I disagree.  I know all too well what it is like to look in the mirror and fear the passage of time and its associated ravages.  As a borderline sociopathic woman, I also completely understand the inpulse to drain the life from fresh-faced youths in order to combat said ravages.  "But what about growing old gracefully?" you ask.  Get out of my fictional kingdom with your heresies! 

Ok, only one more point and then I promise I'll wrap this up.  It concerns the end of the film.  If you don't know how the story goes, shame on you, but here's a basic rundown.  Queen hates Snow White and sends the Huntsman after her.  Huntsman changes sides and aids the princess with the help of seven vertically challenged miners.  Queen disguises herself and poisons Snow White with an apple.  The kiss of her true love awakens her and she leads an armed insurrection, eventually killing the queen in a catfight.  Ok, so in this version, there's the Huntsman (Chris Hemsworth) and then there's her childhood boyfriend, William (Sam Claflin), the son of a duke.  Guess which one's kiss wakes her from her coma.  If you said Thor, congratulations, you understand how top billing works.  Now, guess which one the movie implies she ends up with.  If you said Permanent Friend Zone Guy, congratulations, you also know how social hierarchies work. 

Yep, that's right.  Her true love is a lowly widower who kills things in a forest but she will clearly marry the socially acceptable choice, thus resigning herself to a loveless existence that slowly turns into a deep and bitter resentment over time.  Suck on that, Happily Ever After!

Assassin in Love/The Baker (2007)

  Apparently, this is called The Baker in its native country, the UK.  I'm not entirely sure why it was changed but there you go.

Milo (Damian Lewis) is a hitman who wants out of the game.  After a job goes wrong, he is given a chance to lie low in a small Welsh village, masquerading as the new baker.  He finds that he enjoys his cover identity more than his actual life and tries to make a real go of it but the villagers discover what he really is and start trying to hire him to solve all their interpersonal disputes.  Plus, a rival hitman (Nikolaj Coster-Waldau) is doing his level best to track Milo down.

This is a very cute comedy.  I love Damian Lewis in pretty much everything and he is adorable here.  I wish this film had a little more substance to it but that might just be because I'm judging it by the standards of Wild Target.  It doesn't quite measure up but it is nonetheless worth a watch.

Lady and the Tramp 2: Scamp's Adventure (2001)

  Back in the day, if something went direct-to-video you knew it was crap.  With today's digital releases it's harder to tell what's crap and what's just indie.  This was a Disney sequel and direct-to-video.  It might as well just have had the poop emoji as a cover image.  If they had had that in 2001.

Scamp (Scott Wolf) wants to give up his boring life as a house dog, filled with baths and rules, and join a junkyard gang so he runs away from home.  At first, it's all fun and games until the junkyard leader, Buster (Chazz Palminteri), finds out that Scamp is the son of Tramp (Jeff Bennett), who used to be his best friend until he got respectable.  Buster decides to get his revenge on the father through the son by having Scamp get caught by the Dogcatcher (Jeff Bennett, doing a damn fine Don Knotts impersonation).

As a movie, it's not great.  It's insipid and uninspired.  It does have Roger Bart, Susan Egan, Jodi Benson, and Jess Harnell for singing voices, who are like Disney royalty, and Mickey Rooney, Cathy Moriarty, Bronson Pinchot, and Alyssa Milano for additional voices.  Too bad none of that can save it from the "Donate" pile.

The Slammin' Salmon (2009)

  I'm assuming the person who wrote that blurb on the front was paid to do it because this is a terrible movie devoid of anything resembling wit, originality, or humor.

Rich (Kevin Heffernan) is fairly laid back as a manager of the seafood restaurant The Slammin' Salmon, named after the soubriquet of its owner, heavyweight champion Cleon Salmon (Michael Clarke Duncan), but when Salmon needs $20,000 to cover a lost bet to a Yakuza boss, Rich knows the staff will need slightly more than just encouragement.  He offers a variety of inducements to get the waiters, waitresses, and busboys to perform at their top levels.

Did you see Waiting with Ryan Reynolds?  Imagine that but without the comedy.  That's The Slammin' Salmon.  Avoid like week-old shellfish.

Good Hair (2009)

  I don't remember why I added this to my queue.  I think it got nominated for a Golden Globe, maybe.  Doesn't matter.

One of Chris Rock's little girls asked him why she didn't have "good hair" so he decided to explore exactly what that meant and discovered along the way some deeply disturbing things.  Like how 90% of the products intended for an African American consumer base are owned by either Asian or white companies.  Or how the human hair for weaves is gathered from religious ceremonies in India, depriving desperately poor women of a chance at additional income.  Most of them have no idea that the hair they donated in penance or reverence is being collected and sold to expensive salons in Beverly Hills.  Worse still is the message being told to black girls at increasingly young ages:  you're not good enough as you are.  Better sew someone else's hair onto yours.  No one's going to want you if you don't conform to Western or European standards of beauty, no matter if the chemicals involved to turn your curly hair straight will also eat through your skin.

As someone with naturally stick straight hair, I cannot tell you of the amount of envy I had for people with curly hair.  We all want something different than what we have, I think.  And that's okay.  There are hundreds of products out there from shampoos to perms (which will also cause chemical burns) to make you look exactly the way you want to look.  If you want.  I don't think anyone should be pressured to look a certain way.  Your hair is good hair.  Red, brown, blonde, curly, straight, spiked, slicked, teased, or dyed.  Whatever hair you have is good hair.

As a documentary, I thought this meandered a bit more than I would have liked, especially the footage of the annual Bronner Brothers hair show in Atlanta.  There was a lot of comedy to be mined from it but it detracted from the more pertinent issues.

Labyrinth (1986)

  I love this movie.  I don't even know how many times I've seen it.  This and The Dark Crystal were staples of my childhood.

Sarah (Jennifer Connelly) is a teenaged girl longing for magic in a world full of annoying baby brothers, parents who don't understand, and being forced to grow up.  When she spitefully wishes the Goblin King (David Bowie) would take her brother to the land of the goblins, she doesn't really believe it will work.  Then her brother disappears.  Now she must travel through a strange land filled with rules she doesn't understand in order to rescue him.

The central themes of this movie are timeless, no matter how dated the costumes or puppets may become.  Becoming an adult is like moving through a labyrinth where the rules can seem vague and arbitrary, you don't know who is really on your side, and there's a time limit for completion.

You don't really need to critique the themes or symbolism of this film.  It's David Bowie and Jim Henson's fairy muppets.  What more do you need?

It behooves us to ensure this is passed on to future generations.  I'm giving a copy to my godchildren as soon as I burn it to my server.  What are you doing?