Snow White and the Huntsman (2012)

I was concerned that my dislike of Kristen Stewart might have unduly prejudiced me against this film so I decided to give it another shot.  Turns out she really is the worst thing about it.  Everything else in the movie I could learn to like or at least live with, but not her.  She's not pretty or charismatic enough to play this role.  I keep thinking what if Lily Collins had gotten this Snow White instead of Mirror Mirror?  I don't know if that would have saved it but I think it would have given it a better chance.    Originally posted 04 Jun 12.  

Nominated for:  Best Visual Effects, Best Costume

I don't know why I thought this movie would be worth seeing.  You'd think I would know better by now that Kristen Stewart is to acting what an untreated venereal infection is to a public pool.  (Yes, I know most venereal diseases can't be spread like that, I just wanted to link 'Kristen Stewart' and 'untreated venereal infection' in a sentence to boost the Google search results.)

It is a terrible movie that could have been way better.  I'm going to go ahead and say ***SPOILER ALERT*** because I plan on getting really specific.

I know it seems obvious, but Kristen Stewart should never have been cast to play Snow White.  First, because she can't make facial expressions but mostly, because she just isn't pretty enough.  No one in that theater looked at her, then at Charlize Theron and thought "Yeah, I can totally see Kristen outshining her in a few years."  No fucking way.  Pretty much everyone in the movie is supposed to instantly fall in love with Snow White and Kristen 'Frozen Face' Stewart just does not command that kind of adoration. 

It helps that they made Theron's Queen Ravenna into the screechiest harpy possible.  In the trailers, she comes across as dark and quietly menacing, which would have been cool.  Instead, she shrieks at everyone on screen with her and chews more scenery than a flock of sheep.  Then there's the needlessly creepy addition of her brother.  He was like an albino version of Crispin Glover's Alice in Wonderland character.

I was seriously hoping the Evil Queen would turn out to be badass and I could pretend the movie was really just a tragic tale of a beautiful and just ruler being cruelly overthrown by an upstart rival.  Rob told me he didn't feel they did enough to make her a sympathetic character.  As a woman, I disagree.  I know all too well what it is like to look in the mirror and fear the passage of time and its associated ravages.  As a borderline sociopathic woman, I also completely understand the inpulse to drain the life from fresh-faced youths in order to combat said ravages.  "But what about growing old gracefully?" you ask.  Get out of my fictional kingdom with your heresies! 

Ok, only one more point and then I promise I'll wrap this up.  It concerns the end of the film.  If you don't know how the story goes, shame on you, but here's a basic rundown.  Queen hates Snow White and sends the Huntsman after her.  Huntsman changes sides and aids the princess with the help of seven vertically challenged miners.  Queen disguises herself and poisons Snow White with an apple.  The kiss of her true love awakens her and she leads an armed insurrection, eventually killing the queen in a catfight.  Ok, so in this version, there's the Huntsman (Chris Hemsworth) and then there's her childhood boyfriend, William (Sam Claflin), the son of a duke.  Guess which one's kiss wakes her from her coma.  If you said Thor, congratulations, you understand how top billing works.  Now, guess which one the movie implies she ends up with.  If you said Permanent Friend Zone Guy, congratulations, you also know how social hierarchies work. 

Yep, that's right.  Her true love is a lowly widower who kills things in a forest but she will clearly marry the socially acceptable choice, thus resigning herself to a loveless existence that slowly turns into a deep and bitter resentment over time.  Suck on that, Happily Ever After!