The Three Musketeers (2011)

  I didn't expect much out of this movie and that's exactly what I got.  It's not even that it's the worst adaptation of the source novel (that would be the 2001 suckfest The Musketeer); it's just not a good adaptation.  And seeing as there are 18 other versions of the story, there's just no room for another half-assed one.  Of course, the first version you see is generally the most fondly remembered.  For me, it's the 1993 Disney one, which even I recognize is not exactly Oscar worthy.

Most of the elements are the same.  Cardinal Richelieu (Cristoph Waltz) is still running the show, Rochefort (Mads Mikkelson) still only has one eye and is an asshole, and Milady de Winter (Milla Jovovich) is still a sneaky double agent.  There are still Athos (Matthew Macfadyen), Porthos (Ray Stevenson) and Aramis (Luke Evans) and they are still badasses.  D'Artagnon (Logan Lerman) is still young, hot-headed, and in love with the queen's lady-in-waiting, Constance (Gabriella Wilde).

Here's the differences:  there are a lot more scenes of Milla Jovovich actually working with the Musketeers in the beginning to steal plans for an airship from DaVinci's underground vault in Venice since DaVinci was the only one smart enough to figure out how to get an underground vault in Venice.  There's a lot more of a steampunk feel to everything (because steampunk is cool right now) which is interesting but doesn't really work.  Milady sells the plans to the Duke of Buckingham (Orlando Bloom), the mortal enemy of France who gets a lot more screen time in this version, which is what sours her relationship with Athos.  Everything is so rushed, though, it's a little hard to care.

I get that Paul W. S. Anderson is married to Milla Jovovich, which is why we'll be getting yet another Resident Evil movie probably next year (it's filming now), and that's why her role got beefed up so much but, frankly, that was a stupid decision.  The movie is called The Three Musketeers.  Not The Three Musketeers' Ex-Girlfriend Who is Totally a Smokin' Hot Badass.  I'm all for women getting parts in action movies as someone other than the Victim or Rescuee, but let's not go around desecrating classic literature.

You'll probably see copies of this in about a year cluttering up the $1 bin at Wal-Mart.  Resist the urge to buy it even then.  It won't be worth the plastic it's made from.