10,000 BC (2008)

  This is one of those movies that could have been so much better.  I think if they had gone the Apocalypto route and had the entire thing in subtitles, it might have seemed less silly.  And don't tell me that they couldn't have made up a language because every other "tribe" in the movie was subtitled.

I will give it props for two things, though:  good special effects and mentioning that the pyramids were built by either aliens or Atlanteans.  That's some funny shit.

Okay, so it's caveman time.  A tribe of people called the Yaghal live in the frozen tundra and rely on the annual mammoth hunt for survival.  A child with blue eyes is found who heralds the coming of prophecy, that the tribe will be attacked by four-legged demons and only a warrior who wins the white spear can save them.  The current white spear holder decides that he can't wait that long and bails, leaving spear and son in the care of a friend.  The son (Steven Strait) grows up to become a hunter who is in love with the blue-eyed girl (Camilla Belle).  He manages to technically kill the bull mammoth, fulfilling the prophecy, but feels ashamed because he didn't work within the team and was really trying to save his own ass.  So he gives back the spear and tells Blue-Eyes that he is giving her up too.  Of course, the next day, warriors on horseback raid the village and capture all the able-bodied members as slaves.  D'Leh (that's his name) is frantic to get Blue-Eyes back and sets off after them with three companions.  They cross over all sorts of terrain but lose the slavers at the Nile.  A local tribe helps them get an army together after D'Leh accidentally triggers one of their prophecies.  (He did a saber-tooth's math homework and the saber-tooth said hi to him in the lunchroom, thereby making him cool.) All the slaves are being used to build the Great Pyramid for the aforementioned alien/refugee from Atlantis, who is being worshipped as a god.  D'Leh has to work together and lead this army in order to free all his people and get his Blue-Eyed Girl back.

This was almost good.  So close.  They either needed to go full Conspiracy Sci-Fi and have a UFO inside the pyramid or cut all that goofy shit out.  Stargate or Conan.  You can't half-ass it.