The Losers (2010)

Like most people, I saw the preview for this movie and thought "That looks kind of cool", but I also know that trailers lie. Too often, they show you the best bits of the movie or completely ruin the plot. And that Chris Evans clip with the sniper in the office building seemed like a trailer-spoiler.

Rotten Tomatoes was also not encouraging with predominantly squashed tomato reviews. Now, I like RT, but occasionally they are just completely off. I think it's because all their reviewers are very mainstream and sometimes a movie just doesn't strike people the right way. I read one positive review on Screenrant, which they seem to have taken down, that compared it to Ocean's Eleven, and that made me happy. Yes, I based my decision to see the movie on one good review. That's because I wanted to see it anyway and was just looking for any excuse.

Fortunately, I was completely justified in this decision! The Losers is a really fun movie very well suited to a Saturday matinee or a fun date with someone who might be a little squeamish about the bloodshed or foul-mouthed elementary schoolgirl action in Kick-Ass. Chris Evans is starting to become an actor I will go see in just about anything. I didn't know it at the time, but he was the only enjoyable character in Fantastic Four as The Human Torch. He couldn't save that piece of shit movie, but you got the feeling that he was at least trying.

Not that the rest of The Losers crew is anything to dismiss out of hand. Zoe Saldana is reigning high as the queen of summer movies, with Star Trek and Avatar beneath her skinny belt, and Idris Elba is one of those serious dramatic actors. Jason Patric is a complete ham, upping the sleaze factor to 11.

It could be better, of course, damn near anything except The Dark Knight could be better. It's a little choppy, the shaky action-cam threatens to ruin some of the better fights, and there is at least one explosion that looks like someone had done the CGI on a laptop. Barring those minor disturbances, it's a fun popcorn flick that will whet your appetite until Iron Man 2 drops in two weeks.

Top Hat (1935)

This is a classic Rogers/Astaire musical. Despite that, I had never seen it before tonight. I am a fan of classic musicals, and I do dearly love Fred Astaire (The Bandwagon might be my absolute favorite but don't tell Easter Parade).

I don't expect a great deal from these old musicals. Hell, this one is from before WWII. The stories tend to be very dated and 'campy' is usually the kindest thing that can be said about them. Top Hat does rely quite heavily on the mis-identification gambit, where Dale (Ginger) mistakes Jerry (Fred) for Horace (some guy who is not Fred) who is married to her friend Madge. Hijinks ensue.

I was surprised to see that the humor is still...humorous. We're talking about a 75-year-old film here. If it gets even a chuckle out of you jaded Dick in a Box types, that's a huge credit to the writers (Allen Scott and Dwight Taylor).

I will warn all you ADD types: it was made in 1935. Yeah, that's before color. Do not adjust your TV. It's supposed to look like that. You might even find that you can concentrate on the story more without being distracted by flashbombs of colors. lolwut? That's crazy talk!

Kick-Ass (2010)

  So, in case you didn't know, Kick-Ass is one of half a dozen comic books to get the recent silver screen treatment. The Losers comes out next week, then Iron Man 2 the week after that. Hooray for summer movie season!

I had read every article I could find in preparation before I went to the movie, because I was kind of on the fence about it. I heard it being compared to Superbad and frankly, that frightened me. Then I read a film review by a conservative "family-first" type blog, (those are generally flametastic) that was spewing bile over one character in particular.

That's Chloe Moretz, who plays the foul-mouthed 11-year-old Hit Girl. When I say 'foul-mouthed' I mean SERIOUSLY foul-mouthed. Like the C bomb. Just because the movie is based on a bunch of teens doesn't mean you should take your kids to it. This ain't How to Train Your Dragon.

Hit Girl is easily the most awesome character in the movie. Her commitment never sways, there's no moral waffling; she is there for a purpose and that purpose is killin'. I wouldn't have complained if the entire movie had revolved around her instead of the title character. Still, I think you'll be content with her stealing the show every time she's on screen.

Also, the soundtrack is great. I just downloaded it this morning from iTunes but I'm sure it's somewhere more torrent-y if that's your persuasion.

The Trail of Blood (1972)

This is the first of the Mikogami trilogy by Kazuo Ikehiro. It concerns a man named Jokichi who manages to piss off a couple of yakuza bosses while getting his infected toe looked at by a tea house hostess.

It plays out better in the movie.

Anyway, he and Tea House Girl run away and have a normal life until he goes on a business trip and runs into some of the yakuza boss' goons. That's when shit goes seriously downhill for Jokichi and the ass-kicking begins.

The Netflix sleeve promised me hacking of limbs and buckets of blood and it delivered. Other than the camp factor, this is a fairly straightforward revenge film. There are a couple of nice touches, like the subtitles which go so far as to explain slang terms, signposts, and pertinent historical details and the soundtrack, which most people will be familiar with after seeing Kill Bill. Apparently, Tarantino is a fan. I like it enough to queue up the next two films but I'm not in a rush to move them to the top.

Tomorrow I should be getting The Scarlet Pimpernel in the mail. I know you're as excited as I am!

Versus: The Director's Cut (2000)

  I have two words for you: zombie samurai. All your arguments are invalid.

This was a very fun, very bizarre Japanese zombie movie.

It starts with some muthafuckin' zombie samurai in a weird flashback that means nothing until two-thirds of the way through the film. From there, it jumps to two escaped prisoners meeting with some no-good mobster types and a kidnapped girl. One of the prisoners (you can tell he's the hero because he's just so damn bored with the whole situation and also because he's wearing leather) mouths off until he can free the kidnapped girl and one of the bad guys gets shot.

He immediately comes back as a zombie and tries to kill the other bad guys. I know, I know, zombies in a place called the Forest of Resurrection, who'da thunk? In the midst of the confusion, the Hero and the Virgin (come on, she's wearing white, you know she's gotta be) escape deeper into the forest. The bad guys give chase, until one of them completely loses his shit remembering that they buried a fuckton of guys out here. Sure enough, as if on cue, dead bad guys surround the original bad guys. This gets important: Japanese zombies can shoot at you. This represents an important step in zombie evolution. They don't aim, but still, a stray bullet will kill you just as definitely as an aimed one.

Eventually, the Big Boss shows up (you can tell he's the main bad guy because he's just so bored with the whole damn situation and also because he's wearing leather) and narrates the plot in one conversation. Basically, there's power up for grabs in the forest and he wants him some but the pesky virgin and her hero are standing in the way. Also, the hero is his brother, reincarnated from samurai times (everything makes sense now!).

Anyway, this movie is hysterical, full of zombies, martial arts, and buckets of fake blood. Also, no CGI. Every effect is a practical one. Which doesn't mean that it makes sense, or is good. Just that it was made of latex and foam rubber. Have a couple of your drink of choice and I bet this movie gets exponentially better.

Clash of the Titans (2010)

Let's get a few things straight, shall we? I am a huge nerd. Huge. Nerd. I have pored over Bullfinch's Mythology for hours in my youth, savoring every story of vengeful, petty deities, their trials and tribulations, their great deeds and exultant odes. Knowing this, you would be forgiven for thinking that I would dismiss Clash of the Titans out of hand.

You would be wrong... At least about the old Clash of the Titans, the Harryhausen classic starring Laurence Olivier as the King of the Gods. I was willing to forgive its lapses of narrative because the story held true to all the ideals. Here was a story of mothers, of Danae, a mortal woman just trying to provide the best life she could for her demi-god son and of Thetis, a goddess whose immortal heart wept ichor for her beloved son, Calibos, a spoiled snot cursed for his ill-manners. Even vain, beautiful Casseopeia was proud of her only daughter, Andromeda, despite her trepidation over marrying her off to disfigured Calibos.

These were tales that anyone could find relatable. The thing about the Greek gods was that they were so very human. They had vices, they did stupid things, and they could always be swayed by an impassioned speech. Guiding Light could have cast any one of them in a hot minute.

The new Clash of the Titans is just plain freaking boring by comparison. Don't be fooled into thinking that means there's no action. Far from it, there's a race from one enemy to the next. What's missing is any reason to care whatsoever. Perseus isn't noble; he's a man stuck in petulant adolescence with an axe to grind at the gods. When he stumbles upon a shining silver sword in the middle of nowhere that responds only to his hand, he pouts and refuses the gift, denying his father's legacy. Look, asshole, Daddy may not have been there for you much when you were taking your first steps but somebody's gotta keep the stars moving in their ordered places, okay?

Ralph Fiennes seemed to be trying to be Paul Giamatti rather than the god of the underworld.

Pinot noir, anyone?

At least he was trying to represent the pantheon. Practically no one else got so much as a close-up. Apollo had one line. Poseidon, under whose sea the Kraken resides, got maybe 20 seconds of screen time. None of the goddesses got a single word in edgewise. Oh, except for Io, who can't seem to shut up.

Perseus may want to reconsider shacking up with one of Daddy's sloppy seconds, I hear she turns into a real cow.

The 3D feature is completely worthless. It adds nothing to the picture but an extra fee. All the special effects are beautifully rendered in CGI, except for the djinn, which look like they could have been pre-Industrial Revolution Transformers.

While I've brought up that subject: motherfucking djinn? Are you kidding me? The entire Greek pantheon at your fingertips and you have to mine Arab mythology too? I give up.

Push (2009)

  I was pretty sure this was going to be the poor man's Jumper, which was an incredibly shitty film. I avoided it like it was catching. 

Then I read an article on slashfilm that Chris Evans had gotten the part of Captain America in the upcoming movie. Suddenly, his previous work became relevant. Plus, I'm a sucker for sci-fi/fantasy, even if the premise is completely retarded.

This movie didn't suck nearly as much as I thought it would. I thought the effects were better, more polished than Jumper, and Dakota Fanning is really starting to bridge those awkward teenage years without a crippling drug addiction. Djimon Hounsou kind of phoned it in but he really wasn't in the film much so that was okay. Ming Na was excellent and I just liked the whole range of powers everyone had. It was more X-Men-lite than anything else.

Popcorn flicks are, by and large, harmless wastes of time. Every once in a while, they verge over into extremely annoying or downright insulting (Wanted) territory. Push isn't pushy; it's just a light, entertaining film that doesn't punish you for watching.

Donnie Darko (2001)

  I didn't see this movie when it came out. I was desperately trying to learn Arabic in California. Obviously, my time could have been better spent by watching this movie again and again and again.

It wasn't even on my radar until my cousin told me she had tripped over it on MTV while channel-surfing. According to her, this was definitely my kind of movie. She was so adamant, I bumped it up to the top of my Netflix queue. Thursday was the first available night I had so I threw it on while I waited for my new paramour to arrive.

Disclaimer: I try not to get spoiler-heavy in these reviews because I realize that there are still people who haven't seen stuff no matter how old it is. My cousin has never seen Casablanca, and I worked with two people who had never seen, respectively, The Godfather and Star Wars (the original trilogy). There are spoilers here. So, you know, fair warning.

I really liked this movie. The soundtrack was badass, full of my favorite dark wave 80's fare (which iTunes does not have, much to my dismay). There are tons of actors you'll recognize including Drew Barrymore, Patrick Swayze, and even Seth Rogan as an aspiring rapist.

Jake Gyllenhaal is easily the creepiest thing in this movie. And when there's a six foot tall rabbit with a metal face and human teeth playing opposite you, that's not an easy feat.

The scene where he stabs reality with a cleaver was easily the most disturbing to me.

I found the story compelling for several reasons but mostly because it presents a dark mirror to the warm and fuzzy It's a Wonderful Life. What if you could look into the future and see that the most beneficial impact you could have would be to die? That digs deep into the ego, don't it? Everybody wants to feel special, to feel like they leave a mark on the world, but is it really for the best? And could you take that last sacrificial step? It goes against every instinct. Maybe you'll hate it, but I love movies that make me question myself. For that alone, Donnie Darko is a winner. That and you just can't beat a six-foot metal-faced rabbit costume.