Clash of the Titans (2010)

Let's get a few things straight, shall we? I am a huge nerd. Huge. Nerd. I have pored over Bullfinch's Mythology for hours in my youth, savoring every story of vengeful, petty deities, their trials and tribulations, their great deeds and exultant odes. Knowing this, you would be forgiven for thinking that I would dismiss Clash of the Titans out of hand.

You would be wrong... At least about the old Clash of the Titans, the Harryhausen classic starring Laurence Olivier as the King of the Gods. I was willing to forgive its lapses of narrative because the story held true to all the ideals. Here was a story of mothers, of Danae, a mortal woman just trying to provide the best life she could for her demi-god son and of Thetis, a goddess whose immortal heart wept ichor for her beloved son, Calibos, a spoiled snot cursed for his ill-manners. Even vain, beautiful Casseopeia was proud of her only daughter, Andromeda, despite her trepidation over marrying her off to disfigured Calibos.

These were tales that anyone could find relatable. The thing about the Greek gods was that they were so very human. They had vices, they did stupid things, and they could always be swayed by an impassioned speech. Guiding Light could have cast any one of them in a hot minute.

The new Clash of the Titans is just plain freaking boring by comparison. Don't be fooled into thinking that means there's no action. Far from it, there's a race from one enemy to the next. What's missing is any reason to care whatsoever. Perseus isn't noble; he's a man stuck in petulant adolescence with an axe to grind at the gods. When he stumbles upon a shining silver sword in the middle of nowhere that responds only to his hand, he pouts and refuses the gift, denying his father's legacy. Look, asshole, Daddy may not have been there for you much when you were taking your first steps but somebody's gotta keep the stars moving in their ordered places, okay?

Ralph Fiennes seemed to be trying to be Paul Giamatti rather than the god of the underworld.

Pinot noir, anyone?

At least he was trying to represent the pantheon. Practically no one else got so much as a close-up. Apollo had one line. Poseidon, under whose sea the Kraken resides, got maybe 20 seconds of screen time. None of the goddesses got a single word in edgewise. Oh, except for Io, who can't seem to shut up.

Perseus may want to reconsider shacking up with one of Daddy's sloppy seconds, I hear she turns into a real cow.

The 3D feature is completely worthless. It adds nothing to the picture but an extra fee. All the special effects are beautifully rendered in CGI, except for the djinn, which look like they could have been pre-Industrial Revolution Transformers.

While I've brought up that subject: motherfucking djinn? Are you kidding me? The entire Greek pantheon at your fingertips and you have to mine Arab mythology too? I give up.