Vegas

Sorry there were no posts from Sunday and that this one is kind of half-assed.  See, I was in Las Vegas this weekend for a friend's bachelorette party.  I barely had time to eat, let alone watch and post two movies.  I was going to try and watch one on the plane but the inflight internet was not cooperating with me. 

Christy watched The Hobbit and part of Seven Psychopaths.  The in-flight movie on our way back was Hitchcock but there weren't individual screens so it really wasn't even worth digging out my headphones.

I had never been to Las Vegas before and, let me tell you, the movies do not do it justice.  If I ever become a vampire, that is where I am moving.  I will get a nice subterranean lair out in the desert and just stalk the Strip every night.  You'd really need at least a full month just to see all the casinos.  We saw Treasure Island, Mirage, the Venetian, Caesar's Palace, Aria, Wynn, Cosmopolitan, Bellagio, MGM Grand, New York New York, Paris, and Excalibur.  It was an absolute whirlwind and I'd probably have to look at a map to tell you what all we did there. 

My friend had a great time, despite the twin detractors of March Madness and Spring Break.  See we're not sports people so it never even occurred to us to check for sporting events in and around Vegas.  Every place we went was packed to the rafters with drunk basketball fans and college students.  Things got a little crazy.

Her wedding is this weekend but hopefully, I will have time to watch some movies this week and get you more of my wonderfully acerbic views before I have to be a Maid of Honor.

The Three Musketeers (1973)

  This is a lot more slapstick-y than later versions.  Don't ask me why I added it to my Netflix queue.  I vaguely remember seeing it a long time ago and I think I was overcome with nostalgia.  

Not that it's a terrible movie.  It's one of the most well-known stories in the world and, as long as you don't stray too far from the source material (ahem, 2011's Three Musketeers), you can't go wrong. 

Young Gascon D'Artagnan (Michael York) goes to Paris to become one of the King's Musketeers.  Almost immediately, he runs afoul of the Duc du Rochefort (Christopher Lee) and then manages to get called out by the King's most celebrated Musketeers:  Athos (Oscar Reed), Porthos (Frank Finlay) and Aramis (Richard Chamberlain).  However, the lad's winning charm prevails and the four band together to take on the personal guard of the evil Cardinal Richelieu (Charlton Heston).  But life isn't all intrigue.  D'Artagnan falls in love with clumsy Queen's maid, Constance (Raquel Welch) at first sight.  Constance enlists his and his friends' help in recovering two diamond studs the Queen gave to her English paramour, Buckingham (Simon Ward) before the dull-witted King (Jean Pierre Cassel) finds out.  To do so, D'Artagnan must best the venomous beauty Milady (Faye Dunaway).

This is an absolutely star-studded version of this story.  It's nice to see everybody when they were young and glamorous, even if the women have uniformly horrible teeth.  Even though Christopher Lee hasn't really changed all that much.  I think he was actually born 6'5" and all he's done since is go gray.

Alpha Dog (2006)

  This is one of those "based on a true story" movies that's a little too true to be great.  Overall, excellent performances from the cast but it could have sacrificed some fact to make a better movie.

Johnny Truelove (Emile Hirsch) is a small-time drug-runner with a big mouth and an annoying pack of friends.  When an associate, Jake Mazursky (Ben Foster), is short on a debt, they trade words, then blows.  Johnny rats out Jake to his parole officer, Jake breaks into Johnny's house.  This is just idiots being idiots to each other until Johnny sees Jake's kid brother Zach (Anton Yelchin) out in a park.  He grabs Zach just to fuck with his brother, and apparently has never heard the words "felony kidnapping" in his life.  To his credit, Zach is an incredibly easy-going, good-natured kid and does not attempt to run off, despite multiple chances.  He is given over to the care of Johnny's friend Frankie (Justin Timberlake) and spends his captivity getting high, partying, and flirting with hot girls (Amanda Seyfried and Amber Heard).  All seems fine and dandy, but as the days pass and the heat is turned up, the question of what to do with the kid looms ever larger.

Since this is a true story, it's not all that hard to guess what happens but just in case you weren't up on your Crimes from the Late 90's Jeopardy category, I won't tell you.  Every young actor worth a damn is in this movie, as well as Bruce Willis, Sharon Stone, and Harry Dean Stanton.  Like I said, they could have sacrificed a little realism to make a more compelling story.  If I want facts, I'll watch Forensic Files. 

The Living Daylights (1987)

  Finally finishing up all the Bond movies.  I didn't think Timothy Dalton was going to be any good but I was pleasantly surprised.

Bond (Timothy Dalton) is tasked with providing cover for a high-ranking Russian defector named Koskov (Jeroen Krabbe) as he escapes from a symphony.  Bond foils an assassination attempt by a pretty sniper (Maryam d'Abo) but feels like something is fishy.  There's no time to look into it, though, because Koskov thinks that his KGB superior (John Rhys-Davis) has gone full Stalin and is purging spies.  Sure enough, a blonde killer named Necros (Andreas Wisniewski) busts up the place and kidnaps Koskov.  Bond is told to go to Tangiers and kill the KGB boss.  Instead, he heads back to the symphony and nabs the girl.  Turns out, she's Koskov's girlfriend and was only doing what he asked her to do.  Now convinced that something's going on, Bond strings her along with promises that Koskov is going to help her defect.  By following the money, Bond figures out that Koskov is smuggling heroin from Afghanistan in order to buy weapons from a crazy arms dealer (MST3K favorite Joe Don Baker).  He and the girl are caught but manage to escape and free one of the captured Afghanis (Art Malik), who then helps him catch up to Koskov.

This was one of the better Bond movies, as far as having an actual plot, but time has not been kind.  Specifically, the changing politics from the 80's to now makes this movie hysterical when it finally gets to Afghanistan.  Then, later, when one of them makes a joke about getting stopped at the airport...oh my God, you guys.  I laughed so hard.  I'm probably going to Hell, but I laughed. So. Hard. 

Along Came Polly (2004)

  God, what a horrible movie.  

This is one of those "comedies" that I don't understand.  It's about stupid people doing stupid things and that's apparently supposed to be funny.  Math was never my strongest suit but that just doesn't add up.

Reuben (Ben Stiller) marries Lisa (Debra Messing) but she cheats on him with a scuba instructor (Hank Azaria) the first day of their honeymoon.  He immediately writes off their entire relationship and starts looking for a new love.  He meets Polly (Jennifer Anniston) a commitment-phobe with a blind ferret and instantly starts nesting.  Never mind the fact that he's still legally married.  Never mind the fact that Polly's lifestyle literally makes him sick to his stomach.  Let's take a look at the logic of taking a rebound and deciding that she's the one you really want to marry. 

That's not intervention-worthy at all.  This schmuck is so desparate to be married he completely reinvents himself, lying to everyone he knows, and most importantly, lying to himself.  He is a poor delusional sap who will eventually implode from trying to keep all the lies going and this is somehow supposed to be funny.

All This and Heaven Too (1940)

  This is another film where Bette Davis plays a nice person.  I'm not as big a fan of that as I am of the ones where she plays a virago.

Single governess Henriette (Bette Davis) is hired to care for the four children of the Duc du Praslin (Charles Boyer) and his crazy-ass wife (Barbara O'Neill).  The Duchesse is insanely jealous of her husband, especially since he is increasingly tired of dealing with her drama.  She, of course, is instantly suspicious of Henriette and takes every chance she can at cutting her down, eventually kicking her out of the household.  But when the Duchesse turns up dead, Henriette is arrested as an accessory.

The idea of it is pretty decent but it runs into some trouble with execution.  First off, it's told as a flashback, and secondly, it's wrapped up way too neatly, sacrificing some plot to get that resolved ending.  Barbara O'Neill is damn near unwatchable with her histrionics, coming off as campy instead of suspenseful.  By the time she was murdered I was so grateful I didn't care whodunit. 

It does have a very, very young June Lockhart as the oldest daughter if you're interested.  The middle girl, Louise (Virginia Weidler) played Young Mary in The Women as well.  She gets a little annoying with all the simpering she does, but not nearly as much as O'Neill.

The Girl Who Played with Fire (2009)

  So, this is the sequel to Girl with the Dragon Tattoo and while it's not as good as the first one, it's still pretty decent.

Lisbeth Salander (Noomi Rapace) has been living the high life since the first movie ended.  She checks up on her former guardian Nils Bjurman (Peter Andersson) and finds that he's trying to have his tattoo removed.  What she doesn't know is that Bjurman is also caught up in a human trafficking ring that a journalist, Dag Svensson (Hans Christian Thulin), has just sold to Millenium magaziine.  Her old buddy Mikael Blomkvist (Michael Nyqvist) is helping Dag track down the johns.  But when Dag, his girlfriend, and Bjurman turn up murdered, all the evidence seems to point to Lisbeth.  She and Blomkvist must track down the real killers before the cops catch her.  Unfortunately, this will involve going deep into Lisbeth's past.

I'm not really sure where the third one has room to go after this since they've now laid her backstory bare.  I'm sure I'll eventually find out but I'm not in any rush.

This one seemed to go by pretty slowly without being suspenseful enough to warrant that kind of build-up.  If you've seen the first one, you pretty much know who the Big Bad is and why.  At that point it's just a matter of details.  There was one scene where a good character behaves so stupidly I was actively wishing for his death, but was conflicted because the bad guy was also acting like a complete moron.  It left me very unsure who to root for.

Overall, it was a solid effort but I would have liked more of an impact. 

Along Came a Spider (2001)

  I very much enjoyed this film.  It's one of Christy's so I didn't think I would. 

Based on the novel by James Patterson, a congressman's daughter (Mika Boorem) is kidnapped from her private school, despite Secret Service protection.  Detective Alex Cross (Morgan Freeman) is brought in by the kidnapper himself, as he is the only one the kidnapper feels is clever enough to understand him.  Cross teams up with Secret Service agent Jezzie Flannigan (Monica Potter) in order to piece together the kidnapper's motivations and save the little girl.

Morgan Freeman lends gravitas to every role he plays, especially world-weary cop but this is really more of a great movie for character actors.  It's got my man Michael Wincott, who always plays evil so well, as well as Dylan Baker, Jay O. Sanders, Billy Burke, and even baby Anton Yelchin.  The technology here is still relevant (steganography) but it's from 2001 so it looks really old.

Everything up to the last 10 minutes is fantastic.  The ending threatens to ruin the entire movie but I was in such a good mood and had such a good time with it until then I was willing to forgive it.  Definitely a decent one for a rental.

All Dogs Go to Heaven (1989)

  It has been so long since I've seen this movie.  I found it in the $4 bin at Best Buy and couldn't resist.  

After a daring escape from jail with the help of his dachshund friend Itchy (Dom DeLouise), Charlie the German Shephard (Burt Reynolds) is ready to get back to his half of a rat racing casino.  Unfortunately, his partner Carface (Vic Tayback) is the one who set him up in the first place and has Charlie killed rather than split the profits with him.  Upon arriving in Heaven, Charlie meets a helpful Angel (Melba Moore) who explains that his time--helpfully illustrated by a pocket-watch--has stopped.  Charlie immediately grabs the watch and winds it, sending himself back to Earth and ignoring the Angel's exhortation that now he can never come back. 

Back among the living, Charlie discovers that Carface's secret is an orphaned girl named Anne-Marie (Judith Barsi) who can talk to animals.  He rescues/kidnaps her and then picks the pocket of a nice couple to get some start-up money.  Using Anne-Marie's gift to determine the winner of a horse race, Charlie places a bet and wins enough money to set up a rival club.  Carface is furious and tries to kill Charlie again.  After getting put in mortal danger numerous times, Anne-Marie gets really sick.  Charlie takes her to a church, where Itchy finds him and accuses him of abandoning his friends and business just for the girl.  Trying to placate his buddy, Charlie claims he has just been using the girl all along.  Fevered and heart-broken, eavesdropping Anne-Marie runs away, right into Carface's clutches.  Now Charlie and Itchy must go to the rescue.

The animation quality is godawful since this is just a straight-up DVD transfer not a blu-ray upgrade.  Also, Don Bluth never had the same quality songwriters that Disney did.  I mean, this movie was released the same year as The Little Mermaid.  I can still sing "Under the Sea" from memory but I completely forgot this even had music.  Really, the only reason to watch it is the vision of Dog Hell, which is still trippy and disturbing. 

Also disturbing?  The IMDb page for Judith Barsi.  Holy shit.  10-year-old Judith was at the beginning of a promising career of features and TV episodes when she and her mother were murdered by her alcoholic dad who then killed himself.  This movie was actually released nearly two years after her death.  That was an extra level of creepy and depressing that I thought I should pass on.

For a Good Time, Call... (2012)

  This is a continuance of the trend in movies where girls are just as obnoxious as boys, but not as entertaining.

Lauren (Lauren Miller) gets dumped by her boyfriend for being boring.  Her gay bestie (Justin Long) tells her he has just the solution.  His friend Katie (Ari Graynor) needs a roommate in order to keep her fantastic Gramercy Park apartment.  Except Lauren and Katie have always hated one another after a regrettable incident after a party in college.  Still, the opposites figure out a way to cohabit until Lauren loses her job.  Then she discovers that Katie has been making ends meet by operating a phone sex hotline.  Lauren uses her business acumen to set up their own line and the two get down to getting dudes off.

There are some great cameos by Seth Rogen and Kevin Smith but, overall, this movie completely underwhelmed me.  I didn't care for either of the two leads and the story was very by-the-numbers.  Justin Long was funny but he's basically playing the same character he's played before, so that's nothing new.

Christy enjoyed it for what it was, a mildly diverting time, but I was disappointed by it's willingness to just scrape by.

Top 20 for 20,000

When I hit 10,000 pageviews, I listed the ten most popular.  It took me about two years to get 10,000 hits.  It took half that to get to 20,000.  So, I figure what the hell?  Let's do a top 20.

20.  Hard Candy -- Hopefully, that means that more of you have actually seen the movie.  This is good.  It's a fantastic film.

19.  Rock, Rock, Rock/King Kelly of the USA/Rock 'n' Roll Review/Rhythm and Blues Review -- You guys really loved when I reviewed old movies.  Even if they were crap.

18.  Zombieland -- This one fell a little bit from #10 since last time.  Still good, though.

17.  Sunny/Swing Hostess/Dixiana

16.  Hugo -- Part of the Oscar nominees from last year.

15.  Inside Job --  This is the highest (and only) documentary on the list.  Down from #9.

14.  Palooka/Glorifying the American Girl/Check and Double Check

13.  Doll Face/The Great Gabbo/The Dancing Pirate -- Down from #8.

12.  Oscar Night 2011 -- Down from #9.

11.  ParaNorman -- Highest (and only) animated film on the list.

10.  I Am Love -- Top foreign film.  Down from #7.

9.  Oscar Nominations 2011 -- Down from #6.

8.  Golden Globes Nominations 2010 -- Down from #5.

7.  Lockout

6.  TRON Legacy -- Down from #3.

5.  Juno -- Down from #4.

4.  Apollo 18

3.  Real Steel

2.  Red Riding Hood -- You guys loved to hear me hate on this film. 

1.  2012 Golden Globes Nominations -- Still #1!

Old TV

Now that all the madness from the Oscars has calmed down, it's time to get caught up on some TV...from 4-10 years ago. 

I'm almost done with season 2 of Alias.    There are three episodes left until I can move on.  This season, Sidney (Jennifer Garner), who has got to be the world's worst spy, is betrayed by her Russian-spy mother (Lena Olin) again and again, but not really because her mommy loves her.  She just has to pretend that she doesn't.  It's dumb. 

I'm also watching season one of Chuck.    I was a big fan of this show when it was on and I watched all the way up until the last season, when they gave Morgan (Joshua Gomez) the Intersect.  Going back and watching the beginning makes me all happy, remembering when Chuck (Zachary Levi) and Sarah (Yvonne Strahovski) were just starting to realize that they like-liked each other.  Awwww!  Plus, Casey (Adam Baldwin) is awesome.

Finally, I'm on season five of the animated X-Men cartoon from the 90's.    When I was a kid, this show was the shit.  Now, watching it again, it's just shitty.  The animation is awful and, while it does cover quite a bit of the comics storylines, the writing is terrible.  Fortunately, each episode is like 20 minutes so I can burn through it pretty quickly.  It's taken me a couple of years to get this far because I can only handle so much bad animation at one time.  This is the last season, though, so as soon as I am done with disc 2, I am done forever.