Monday, June 3, 2013

The Avengers (1998)

  This isn't the good Avengers.  Remember this movie?  It's the one based on a British TV show from the 60's featuring Patrick McNee and Diana Rigg.  I never watched it but it sounds a bit like the Torchwood of its day.  

The entire movie plays like a big inside joke and maybe that's the reason it sucks so hard.  Suave secret agent and impeccable dresser John Steed (Ralph Fiennes) is sent to investigate Dr. Emma Peel (Uma Thurman) after she is implicated in the dismantling of a weather protection system she helped design.  She joins forces with him to help clear her name and the two discover a plot to privatize weather, giant mechanical bugs, and evil clones. 

There's so much going on here from Sean Connery in a Beanie Baby mascot outfit to the Invisible Man to hot air balloons over Parliament.  To use a British expression, it's all a bit of a dog's dinner.  The writers borrowed heavily from Dickens, Carroll, and Shakespeare in an effort to seem clever, which never works.  There's shitloads of innuendo from the main two characters but no chemistry to back it up, and Uma Thurman's accent is just terrible.  And did I mention Sean Connery in a giant plush furry costume?  Because I think that bears repeating.  (Get it??  Bears?!  I kill me!)

The only one who comes out of this trainwreck unscathed is Eddie Izzard who has only one line in the entire film:  "Oh, fuck."  I'm pretty sure that encapsulates the entire experience.

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