Wow. I mean, I knew it would be bad, but wow. How was it ever going to be good? Did you hear about it? A hard-R retelling of Hansel and Gretel by the guy who directed Dead Snow? Ok, never mind, that does sound kind of good on paper. In practice, however, it's a goddamn mess.The town of Augsberg has a witch problem. They know because 11 children have gone missing. The mayor (Rainer Bock) hires witch hunters Hansel (Jeremy Renner) and Gretel (Gemma Arterton) to hunt down the witches and rescue the kids. The heroes are still somewhat traumatized by being abandoned as children and almost eaten by a witch. Hansel in particular developed diabetes because the witch force-fed him candy.
Seriously. That's a plot point.
Anyway, the Augsberg witches are led by Muriel (Famke Jansson), a Grand Dark Witch who has the ability to not look like something from Clive Barker's childhood nightmares. She is spearheading the rest of the witches in a spell to make them fireproof, which can only be done during a Blood Moon, using the blood of twelve children and the heart of a Grand White Witch.
This movie clocks in at 88 minutes. I really think that if they could have bumped it out to a full two hours, they might have had time to flesh out the story a little bit more. **SPOILERS FOLLOW IN WHITE. HIGHLIGHT TO SEE** Hansel and Gretel are originally from Augsberg, because of course they are. Their mother was a Grand White Witch who blessed them before they were taken out to the forest and that's why they can't be harmed by witchcraft. Of course it is. And of course Gretel is also a White Witch because her mother was. **END SPOILERS** Whereas, if they had spent more time on world-building, some of that could have been made into a coherent storyline. Instead, they spent the majority of the running time trying to find new ways to have people explode.
Also, it's weird to hear Gemma Arterton curse in an American accent. She sounds flat and nasal, instead of her usual high-pitched and nasal, and it's weird.
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