This should also be known as The Least Sexy Vampire Movie Ever.How can you have a movie with David Bowie, Catherine Deneuve, and Susan Sarandon as vampires and it not be sexy?! There's gratuitous female nudity (in the first 9 minutes you get two different sets of boobs) and a girl-on-girl scene between the two female leads. For all of you people out there who really wanted to see Susan Sarandon bat for the other team, here you go! Also, seek help.
Ugh. So Miriam (Catherine Deneuve) is a two thousand year old vampire with a slight problem. All her turned lovers only stick around for a couple of hundred years before succumbing to the rapid degeneration of age. David Bowie is her most recent companion, who grows terrified of his declining prowess and seeks out Susan Sarandon, a doctor who specializes in Progeria research. Before he can convince her to help him, he gets all corpsey.
Side note: This is some of the best aging make-up I've ever seen in a film. That, and Catherine Deneuve's gorgeous wardrobe are the only compliments I can give this thing.
But, because he's a vampire, he can't exactly die, so Miriam sticks him in a coffin in her attic...with all the other, presumably aware, coffin-bound loves of her long life. Yeah, locked in a box, forever aging but unable to die? Not sexy.
Doctor Sarandon tracks down David Bowie's information because she feels bad for blowing him off and introduces herself to the grieving Miriam...who immediately seduces and turns her. Like all rebound relationships, this ends badly and proceeds into one of the most WTF endings I've ever seen. Seriously, I'm well-versed in the various vampire canons and I cannot account for a single myth that would explain what the hell happened in the last few minutes of this movie.
It was directed by Tony Scott (Unstoppable, Man on Fire, and oh holy shit Top Gun?! Really?) who has done some of my favorite movies of the last 10 years. This will not be added to that list.
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