The Whole Nine Yards (2000)

  I like hitman movies.  I especially like hitman comedies.  This is a fairly minor note in the careers of all involved, but it's a cute little movie nonetheless.

Oz (Matthew Perry) is a Montreal dentist burdened under his embezzling father-in-law's debt.  His wife (Patricia Arquette) makes no bones about the fact that she'd rather him dead than alive, and when a new neighbor moves in next door she thinks she's found her chance.  Jimmy "the Tulip" Tudeski (Bruce Willis) is a contract killer for the Hungarian mob fresh into witness protection.  Having made her job offer and been turned down, the wife decides the next best thing is to get Oz to fly to Chicago and turn Jimmy in for the reward.  Oz dutifully meets with mob boss Janni Gogolak (Kevin Pollack) and is instantly captivated by Cynthia (Natasha Henstridge), Jimmy's estranged wife.  She is being held hostage by the Gogolak gang because of one of those complicated last-one-alive-collects-a-boatload-of-money schemes, this one being ten million dollars.  Fearing for his and now Cynthia's lives, Oz comes up with a plan...

It ain't The Godfather but it's totally worth watching on a day when you just feel like sitting on the couch.  The cast works well together, especially perky and vivacious Amanda Peet.  Definitely a feel-good rental.

Water for Elephants (2011)

Here we have the second Christy pick for June, her birthday month.  I hated pretty much everything about it.

Well, that's not true.  The score is kind of pretty if you're trying to find something to put you to sleep.

Jacob (Robert Pattinson) is at Cornell University getting ready to take his final veterinary science exam when he learns that both of his parents have been killed in a car accident and his family home is being repossessed because his father borrowed against it to put Jacob through Cornell.  Now homeless and penniless, Jacob has a reason to be depressed during the Great Depression and jumps a train on the way to Albany.  Probably should have just jumped in front of one and saved everybody a lot of misery.

But I get ahead of myself.  Luckily, the train belongs to a circus and Jacob makes friends with a fellow Pollack, Camel (Jim Norton), who gets him a job as a roustabout.  After his first day, he is interviewed by the ringleader, August (Christoph Waltz), and manages to impress the mercurial manager.  He is made the official circus vet and his first job is to keep the main attraction show-ready.  The main attraction at the circus is August's wife Marlena (Reese Witherspoon) and her horse act.  So what does he do?  He shoots one of the horses in the head.  This act of mercy endears him to the wife, not so much the businessman husband.

Things pick up when August scores a coup from a disbanded circus in the form of Rosie, an elephant.  He immediately makes Jacob her caretaker and puts Marlena on top.  They bond over the fact that August is horrible and abusive.  He, in turn, throws the two of them together every chance he gets just so he can beat the shit out of Jacob.  I don't know why anyone would think that was entertaining to watch.

Christy seems to think it's "beautiful" and "romantic" but these words mean nothing to me.  If they mean something to you, maybe you should watch it.  Everyone else watch Casablanca, which is a badass movie about fighting Nazis that just so happens to feature a love story.

Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter (2012)

  And the streak of good movies has been broken.  I wanted to like this one.  I liked the book, which ended up being part of the problem since the movie is nothing like the book. 

I know what you're thinking:  "they so rarely are," but this was like the author sat down and re-wrote the whole thing from scratch.  I did not approve.

Abraham Lincoln (Benjamin Walker) was more than just a President, lawyer, and orator.  He also defended the nation from its greatest threat:  vampires!  After his mother is killed by Jack Barts (Marton Csokas), young Abraham decides to devote his life to killing bloodsuckers.  Aided by mysterious benefactor Henry Sturgess (Dominic Cooper), Abraham learns to wield his silver-coated axe to best effect.  But vampire leader Adam (Rufus Sewell) plans to take over the entire country from his Southern power base, using enslaved Africans as food sources.  How can one man stand in the face of such evil?  Become President and take on the issue from a policy standpoint, that's how!

The reason the book was such an enjoyable read is that a serious effort was made to tie vampire hunting into the fabric of Lincoln's actual life.  Seth Graham-Smith took a biography of Lincoln and spliced in a backstory of a boy whose life is irrevocably changed by vampires.  It's an entertaining fictionalized history that doesn't turn our sixteenth President into an action figure capable of felling a 100-ft pine with a single axe blow.

I honestly would not have guessed that the same novelist also wrote that screenplay.  I don't know if he felt pressure from the director or from the studio or just thought "fuck it, this'll be hilarious."  Every historical detail was completely stripped, whole new plots and a host of new characters were added, turning it into a straight-up action fantasy reminiscent of Underworld.

I saw the 3D version and I would not recommend that to anyone.  It was muddy and completely unnecessary to convert.  Christy saw the regular 2D version and reported that it was beautifully shot and every fight scene was crisp as a fresh apple.  She definitely got the better end of that deal.  Rob hadn't read the book and so didn't have the problems that my cousin and I had with it.  His main issue was the terrible pacing.  The movie is only an hour and forty-five minutes but it feels like two and a half hours.

If you've read the book and liked it, I'd say skip this one completely.  If you don't plan on reading the book or you're going to read it after, wait for the rental.

Brave (2012)

Nominated for:  Best Animated Feature     I was a little surprised at the lukewarm reception Brave was getting from the critics.  People were saying it wasn't up to Pixar standards but that it was a great addition to the Disney Princess line-up.  I will say that the second part of that is fair; Merida easily joins the ranks of luminaries like Belle and Cinderella.  I don't necessarily agree with the first assessment, though.  The movie is funny, beautifully designed, and heart-warming.  These are all traits I associate with Pixar.  Is it transcendental like Wall-E or Toy Story 3?  No, but that doesn't mean it's a flop.

Merida (Kelly McDonald) is a wild child who just happens to be a highland princess.  She would much rather be riding her horse and shooting arrows than learning protocol and needlepoint, like her mother wants her to do.  So, when Queen Elinor (Emma Thompson) announces that the other tribal chiefs will be sending suitors to compete for her hand, Merida wants none of it.  She quickly names archery as the required competition and proceeds to soundly trounce all comers.  Furious, the queen drags her to the castle to explain that this tradition is all that keeps the country from being at war and that it's time for Merida to grow up.  Merida slices her mother's tapestry, Elinor throws her bow into the fire, and Merida takes off.  She runs to the forest, desperate to change her fate, and comes across a witch's cottage.  She trades a locket for a spell, one spell to change her future...by changing her mother's mind.  But magic doesn't always work out as advertised.  Merida must use every resource at her disposal to deal with the consequences of her actions before they become permanent.

It's a charming addition to your Pixar collection.  I know I'll be adding it to mine.

Unconscious (2004)

  Friday I did not feel well at all and, as is my prerogative, I acted like a complete invalid.  Rob made me comfortable and told me to pick a movie.  I picked this one.  He put it in the blu-ray player, patted me on the head, and informed me that he was going to be playing Battle Pirates but that I should call out if I needed anything.  Bastard. 

I settled down to watch my film, a Spanish comedy mystery set in 1913, and Rob fired up his Facebook.  Then he turned around.  After thirty minutes, he got up and sat down with me.  That's how good this movie was.

Alma (Leonor Watling) has a problem:  she is nine months pregnant and the father of her child, Leon (Alex Brendemuhl) has disappeared.  She is convinced that the answer lies with one of the four women he was treating psychiatrically and enlists the aid of her sister's husband, Salvador (Luis Tosar), to help her solve the mystery.  Poor Salvador has no defense against the determined woman and gets dragged into scrape after scrape, following a trail that could lead all the way to murder.

It really is an adorable Spanish sex comedy with an absolute suckerpunch of a final act.  I heartily recommend it.

Whip It (2009)

CW: deadname on poster  I swear, Elliot Page just gets cuter in everything I see him in.  That shouldn't even be possible but he's just so adorable. 

Bliss (Elliot Page) is a mousy teen from a nowhere town in Texas who stumbles into the wild world of roller derby women.  Her mother (Marcia Gay Harden) wants her to be a pageant queen and her dad (Daniel Stern) just wants everyone to get along.  But Bliss is determined to live her own life.  Aided by her friend Pash (Alia Shawkat), Bliss joins the Hurl Scouts, a rough and tumble group of ladies including Smashley Simpson (Drew Barrymore), Bloody Holly (Zoe Bell), Rosa Sparks (Eve) and team captain Maggie Mayhem (Kristen Wiig) as they go up against their rivals, the Holy Rollers, led by the nasty Iron Maven (Juliette Lewis).  Everything seems to be going fine for Bliss, until it doesn't, and she has to face grown-up consequences.

Everybody involved in this movie looks like they had a blast doing it.  It's clear that this was a passion project for Barrymore, especially since this was her directorial debut.  The relationships between all the female characters bear a loving stamp that brings out the best in each actress.  I've never been a fan of Marcia Gay Harden in anything I've seen her in, but she nails Pageant Mom and Kristen Wiig totally made up for her performance in Bridesmaids by being in this movie.  I had bought it on a whim because I read that the critics were giving it positive reviews and I absolutely do not regret that decision.    By all means, rent it first and if you like it as much as I did, pick up a copy.

Safe House (2012)

This wasn't a terrible movie but it was a very forgettable movie.  It reminded me a lot of 16 Blocks if it was mashed with Salt.

Tobin Frost (Denzel Washington) is a CIA-turned-free agent looking to sell a document full of secrets to the highest bidder.  He is being chased by a lot of bad guys so he temporarily gives himself up at the U.S. consulate in Cape Town, South Africa.  The consulate turns him over to a CIA safe house, managed by newbie Matt Weston (Ryan Reynolds), to be interrogated by former T-1000, Robert Patrick.  The bad guys breach the house and mow down everyone but the two plucky leads, who escape. 

Matt, desperately wanting to impress senior leadership, decides that he alone will be responsible for bringing in legendary turncoat Frost.  Frost thinks that's cute and gives him the slip at a soccer game.  Matt displays some critical thinking skills and tracks Frost down to a tenement where he is once again getting shot at by the bad guys.  There's like a neverending stream of henchmen. 

Anyway, Matt and Frost escape again and bond for a little bit, on their way to yet another safe house, mostly over who they think the mole could be.  We, the viewers, knew who the mole was the minute a mole was announced because that's the kind of movie this is, but whatever.  From there, it's mostly all climax and denouement so I won't spoil it for you.

I know it seems kind of lackluster as a review, but this really was a fun movie.  Not a classic like Man on Fire, but better than Body of Lies by a long shot.  Denzel Washington and Ryan Reynolds perform admirably, as always, and the supporting cast is star-studded.  I was immensely curious to see Joel Kinnaman in a role (any role) since he's scheduled to play the new RoboCop and I had never heard of him before.  According to his IMDb profile, he was in the American version of Girl with a Dragon Tattoo but I hated that movie so hard I may have blacked out at one point and missed him.

Death Becomes Her (1992)

This is one of my favorite childhood feel-good movies.  I only recently bought it.  I was afraid it wouldn't stand up to the power of my memory of it, but Rob mentioned he'd never seen it all the way through and I decided to throw caution to the winds.

A good thing, too, as it is just as fabulous as I remember. 

Madeline Ashton (Meryl Streep) and Helen Sharp (Goldie Hawn) have been bitter rivals since childhood.  So when Helen lands the brilliant plastic surgeon Dr. Ernest Menville (Bruce Willis) as a fiance, Madeline must have him. 

After nearly twenty years, Helen resurfaces, looking better than she ever had before and with a best-selling new book just as Madeline's life is entering a nadir.  Film roles just aren't coming like they used to and her dream husband is now a drunk undertaker instead of a well-respected surgeon.  Still, Helen is determined to have him back and Madeline is just as determined to never let him go.

In a fit of self-pity, Madeline seeks out the services of the beautiful and mysterious Lisle (Isabella Rossellini) who has a solution to Madeline's woes:  a potion capable of restoring youth and beauty.  But the cost turns out to be slightly more than expected.

The visual effects of the movie were far beyond its peers, evidenced by the Oscar it netted in that category.  Meryl Streep is great as the viciously vain Madeline (she was nominated for a Golden Globe) while Bruce Willis tries on one of his few purely comedic roles.  Honest to God, I didn't even recognize him until the third time I saw this movie because I was so used to him playing action heroes.  For dudes, there's probably not a lot here for you except for some nearly-naked Rossellini but you wouldn't die of boredom if you watched it.  For the ladies, this is a classic and, if you've never seen it, you should get your best girlfriends together, have a pitcher of margaritas, and make a night out of it.

Centurion (2010)

  This is not a terribly shitty movie.  It's written and directed by the same guy who did The Descent, the underrated Dog Soldiers, and the "Blackwater" episode of Game of Thrones.  He, Neil Marshall, is also doing the upcoming Last Voyage of the Demeter, a modern take on Dracula.  Technically, I suppose all of his films could be counted as horror considering that he starts with X amount of people and ends with X-90% but I probably wouldn't classify Centurion in that genre.

I can't really pick apart anything terribly wrong with the film, other than a sneaking suspicion that Marshall blew the entire budget on the 3D graphics for the opening credits.  Also, CGI blood.  That is never a good sign, in my opinion.  It means you couldn't hire a decent practical effects guy.

Quintus Dias (Michael Fassbender) is a Roman centurion captured by the Picts.  He is rescued by the 9th Legion, led by General Virilus (Dominic West), kind of by accident.  Virilus and his men are out trying to kill the leader of the Picts, Gorlacon (Ulrich Thomsen), and hopefully stamp out this pesky insurrection once and for all.  To help them track him down, they have Etain (Olga Kurylenko), a mute Brigantii woman who wields a mean pike.  Quintus actually speaks Pict, so instead of sending him back to friendly territory, they drag him along.

In a move that surprises no one, Etain sells them all out and the 9th Legion is massacred.  The survivors, led by Quintus, flee to the north in an effort to double back around.  Their numbers continue to dwindle as the pursuing Picts harass them.  With some help from a friendly witch (Imogen Poots), Quintus and the two remaining legionnaires (David Morrissey and Liam Cunningham) make their last stand at an abandoned outpost.

It's a paint-by-numbers kind of film, but at least it makes a pretty picture.

Lost in the Weeds

  I know, it's not a movie.  Still, I'm working my way through the tail end of my movie collection and I just finished season 2.  This is apropos, considering that it was just announced that Weeds will be entering its final season (number 8) this year.  I am way behind on this one and not likely to get caught up anytime soon.  I even added it to my Netflix queue in order to maximize my chances of seeing it before I could buy it (because that's another list...I know I'm crazy, there's no need to point that out.) 

  I'm also on my last disc of Wonderfalls, a weird little one-season-wonder that was helmed by the same guy who would go on to create Pushing Daisies.  It's an exercise in surrealism when Jaye, a Gen-Y slacker working in a souvenir shop at Niagra Falls, starts hearing random inanimate animals (a wax lion, a brass monkey bookend, etc) talking to her in cryptic phrases.  It's a cute show but I can see why it wouldn't have caught on with mainstream viewers.  To be fair, Pushing Daisies got cancelled after two seasons so this guy doesn't have a great track record but I loved the shit out of that show.  I think Wonderfalls suffers from a lack of Lee Pace.  He's in it, but in a much smaller role as Jaye's brother.  I wouldn't buy the show but it's still an interesting rental.

Going the Distance (2010)

  Here is the first of two Christy picks for the month of June. She gets an extra one because it's her birthday month. This also marks the second anniversary of the Christy Experiment so yay! 

 
On to the evisceration!

This movie was twice as long as it needed to be.  Like most long distance relationships, the first half is good, filled with humor and getting to know all the characters.  Then it starts to go downhill and you start to miss all the fun times you were having twenty minutes ago.  And then it ends in exactly the way everyone knew it would and you wonder why the hell you stuck around so long.

New Yorker Garrett (Justin Long) and Californian Erin (Drew Barrymore) meetcute over a game of Caterpillar and start dating six weeks before Erin's newspaper internship is over.  When she goes back to San Francisco, the two decide to keep their relationship going through phone calls, emails, and sporadic visits.  Inevitably, the stress of being on two different coasts takes its toll and decisions must be made about their future.

Like I said, the first half of the movie was funny, mostly bolstered by Charlie Day and Jason Sudeikis as Garrett's two best friends.  I was hoping for more, considering the cast includes Jim Gaffigan, Rob Riggle, and Christina Applegate.  Otherwise, it's a very typical rom-com with a slightly better-than-average soundtrack.

Pretty Woman (1990)

  I don't know if any of you watched the Miss USA pageant last week.  I know I didn't.  I didn't even know it was airing until I saw The Soup make fun of one of the semi-finalists.  Miss Ohio was asked to name a movie that she felt portrayed women in a positive way and she chose Pretty Woman.  While I was busy laughing at that, Rob mentioned that he had never actually seen the film.

I know.  Apparently, he had "good" parents who didn't let him watch movies about hookers blowing millionaires.  And he never went to sleepovers or babysat for children whose parents had HBO.  He missed out, is all I'm saying.  I couldn't let that stand, however, so we acquired the film and drank margaritas while watching.  I don't own this movie because I never really cared for it, even when I was a thirteen-year-old girl.  I found it stupid and I didn't think Richard Gere was attractive.  But it was worth watching again, if only so I could see the realization dawn on Rob's face that this movie and other of its ilk are the reasons why there will always be women who believe that men only exist to rescue them.

Edward Lewis (Richard Gere) is a businessman who gets rich by buying floundering companies and basically selling them for scrap.  One night after a party, he borrows his lawyer's (Jason Alexander) Lotus and gets completely lost in downtown Hollywood.  He stops to ask for directions and enterprising hooker Vivian (Julia Roberts) makes him an offer.  She manages to navigate him to his hotel and then he takes her up to the penthouse.  What should have been a relatively straightforward commercial exchange is complicated the next day when Edward offers to extend her contract through the week if she'll basically be his escort.  Except that after a week of living the millionaire lifestyle, Vivian is in looooove but wants him to respect her.  I'm pretty sure Edward just doesn't want to die alone.  Anyway, blah blah blah, fairy tale ending.  Not a great film, but very iconic.

Weird Science (1985)

This is one of the very few John Hughes movies I ever saw in the proper context (i.e. within a decade of original release.)  I remember watching it repeatedly on cable as a kid and loving it and then being shocked when I saw it on DVD because of the sheer number of boobs visible.  Which didn't make me love it less, it just made me wonder what else TV was hiding from me.  Rob had never seen it so we watched it last night. 

It is so incredibly dated, from the costumes and hair to the concept that you can use a home computer to Frankenstein a woman into reality.  Because in the 80's computers = magic. 

Gary (Anthony Michael Hall) and Wyatt (Ilan Mitchell-Smith) are two freshman losers who desperately want to be popular.  Afte watching late-night horror movies one too many times, they decide to use Wyatt's computer to create the perfect woman, imbuing her with all the qualities two horny fifteen-year-olds think are important.  What they get is Lisa (Kelly LeBrock) a pin-up/mentor/sorceress who takes the boys under her wing and basically gives them everything they've ever wanted, along with a gentle lesson in believing in themselves. 

Anthony Michael Hall overacts to an extreme extent, becoming painful to watch in parts.  But I maintain that he did it simply to make up for how completely dead his co-star Ilan Mitchell-Smith was.  Sadly, only Bill Paxton and Robert Downey, Jr. seemed to have escaped this movie with careers.  Everyone else was either relegated to television or married Steven Seagal.