12 Years a Slave (2013)

Nominated for:  Best Picture, Best Actor, Best Supporting Actor, Best Supporting Actress, Best Costumes, Best Director, Best Film Editing, Best Production Design, and Best Adapted Screenplay    This is one of the big ones to knock off the list.

Get ready to hate me. 

You ready? 

This is totally overrated.

People reacted to this movie like it was the spiritual successor to Schindler's List and it is not.  It lacks the significant emotional heft to stand on the same footing as that film.  Schindler's List pulls you through the wringer of human suffering but, at the end, makes you feel as though it has been done for a purpose.  You feel purified in your catharsis.  12 Years a Slave is simply an endurance test of sadism. 

Solomon Northrup (Chiwetel Ejiofor) is a well-respected free man living in Saratoga, New York, with his wife and two children, when he is conned into traveling to Washington, D.C.  Once there, he is drugged, shackled, and sold into slavery.  Originally sold to a well-meaning yet still unaware of basic human rights plantation owner named Ford (Benedict Cumberbatch), Northrop --renamed Platt-- runs afoul of the overseer (Paul Dano) by being too well educated.  Ford transfers his debt to notoriously cruel cotton farmer, Epps (Michael Fassbender), in order to save Platt from being killed.  Epps is a Bible-thumping drunk with an obsessive streak, especially for a young slave girl named Patsy (Lupita Nyong'o), which pisses off his stone-cold bitch of a wife (Sarah Paulson). Platt must focus on staying alive through his master's capricious whims long enough to find a way to get word of his plight to friends in the North.

This is based on Solomon Northrup's harrowing memoir of the same name.  What the man went through is unspeakably appalling, but the movie would rather spend more time dwelling on each beating he received than offer any sort of insight into how he felt or what he thought.  It was so interested in piling one horrible occurrence after another on its leading man it started to verge into dark comedy. 

I don't want to take away from the performances or from the actors' struggle with the material.  I know from interviews that this was a difficult film for all involved, that they keenly felt the gravity of the source novel.  Fassbender and Ejiofor put their all into their roles and heartily deserve their nominations.  It probably will win Best Picture, but I feel like in ten years people will wonder why.

The Cowboys (1972)

  This was the cutest Western. It was like Curly Sue meets City Slickers. 

Wil Andersen (John Wayne) has 1500 head of cattle he needs to get to market and precisely zero hired hands, since they all abandoned him in order to give gold mining a shot.  Wil is forced to hire on ten boys, aged nine to seventeen, in order to drive the cows.  They are joined by trail cook and fount of wisdom Jebediah Nightlinger (Roscoe Lee Brown) as they navigate long hours and rough terrain.  Unfortunately, they are also being targeted by a gang of cattle rustlers (led by Bruce Dern) who think they are easy marks.

John Wayne plays very much to type as the gruff, hard-bitten rancher with a secret soft spot.  Roscoe Lee Brown was an absolute delight to watch in every scene.  The boys are mostly forgettable, as far as individual performances go, but collectively they are adorable.  I don't know that I would buy it (though I seem to be buying a lot of westerns lately), but it's definitely worth a rental.

The Book Thief (2013)

Nominated for:  Best Original Score 
  Young Liesel (Sophie Nelisse) is given over to foster parents Hans (Geoffrey Rush) and Rosa (Emily Watson) after being given up by her mother, a Communist.  She is picked on at school for not being able to read but finds a friend in the neighbor's boy, Rudy (Nico Liersch).  Hans finds a book that Liesel stole from the gravedigger who buried her little brother and begins reading it with her.  It makes more sense in the movie, trust me.  Liesel soon develops an absolute love of reading, but she lives in Germany in the late 30's so good books are hard to come by, what with the Nazis burning them on every corner.  She takes to "borrowing" books from the library of the local Burgermeister and his wife.  Things get even more complicated when Hans shelters a Jewish boy named Max (Ben Schnetzer) in the basement in order to fulfill a debt of honor to Max's family.

There have been so many movies about World War II that it must be hard to come up with new angles.  This isn't a bad little movie and I would rate it much higher if it didn't have one of the most unnecessary and distracting voiceovers in the history of movies.  The narrator is Death himself, voiced by Roger Allam and it is absolutely superfluous.  It adds a superficially jaunty tone that is completely at odds with the story.  I would even say that voiceover is the reason no one is taking it seriously this awards season.

Lee Daniels' The Butler (2013)

  This didn't get nominated for a single Oscar.  But Bad Grandpa did.  Just keep that in mind.

Cecil Gaines (Forest Whitaker) grew up in Macon, Georgia on a cotton farm.  After seeing his father (David Banner) killed by the landowner (Alex Pettyfer) for making eye contact, young Cecil is taken to the house to be trained as a server.  He runs away as a teenager and ends up working at a hotel in North Carolina.  From there, he moves to the Excelsior Hotel in Washington, D.C.  He meets his wife, Gloria (Oprah Winfrey), and has two children, Louis (David Oyelowo) and Charlie (Elijah Kelley).  Life is going as well as he could have ever expected, until he gets a phone call from the White House.  Cecil joins the staff as a butler during the Eisenhower (Robin Williams) Administration.  He sees first-hand the way civil rights are discussed among the highest echelons of government.  Meanwhile, his son Louis is involved with sit-ins in Tennessee and then joins the Freedom Riders.  Their worlds couldn't be more different and still be working for a common cause.  Through Kennedy (James Marsden), L.B. Johnson (Live Schrieber), Nixon (John Cusack), Ford, Carter, and Reagan (Alan Rickman), Cecil does his own part to slip a quiet word in the ear of the most powerful man in the world.

This movie had so many stars in it, it's worth a look just for that.  Besides the people mentioned, there was Mariah Carey, Vanessa Redgrave, Terrence Howard, Cuba Gooding, Jr., Lenny Kravitz, and Jane Fonda.  We are talking Oscar-bait of the highest order.  If 12 Years a Slave hadn't come out three months later, this one would have been the one everyone talked about.  There are various speculations about why this was totally snubbed, from "it peaked too early" to "the Academy is only comfortable with one black drama at a time".  This might be one that people revisit in years to come as a misstep in the Oscar history.

Let's talk about the makeup jobs.  All the Presidents looked at least marginally like their real-life counterparts with some notable stand-outs.  John Cusack would not have been my first pick for Nixon, but he nailed the oily, scheming nature of the man.  Minka Kelly looked so much like Jackie Kennedy in profile that it raised the hair on my arms, even if James Marsden doesn't even superficially resemble JFK.  Alan Rickman did his best, but doesn't really give off that Reagan vibe.  Still, everyone involved in this did an absolutely amazing job. 

The Great Beauty (2013)

Nominated for:  Best Foreign Film    Don't ask me what this movie is about because I couldn't tell you.  It's pretty, though.

Jep Gambardella (Toni Servillo) had a moderately-successful novel published when he was young and has managed to turn that into a career as an elite journalist.  He parties all night, lounges all day, and drinks constantly.  But when he learns of the death of his first lover, he starts to wonder what it's all for, and whether or not it's even worth living.

This is an incredibly European movie.  I don't say that to be dismissive; it's more of a warning.  There are moments of absolute transcendent beauty and then there is weird performance art, people dropping dead all over the place, and a lot of nudity.  You just have to go with it.

I was expecting more story, considering that it won the Golden Globe for Best Foreign Film this year, but I wonder if it's not getting accolades simply because it is targeting the age group of most of the Foreign Press Association.  These are the same people that fell all over Best Exotic Marigold Hotel last year, after all.

Still, if you want to see contemporary Rome and you can't afford to travel there, this is a great travelogue.   

All the President's Men (1976)

  I have just been on a Robert Redford kick lately. 

This is the fictionalized version of the path taken by Washington Post journalists Bob Woodward and Carl Bernstein (Robert Redford and Dustin Hoffman, respectively) to uncover the Watergate scandal which eventually led to the resignation of President Ronald Nixon based on the book written by the two men.

Five men are caught breaking into the National Democratic Convention headquarters in the Watergate Hotel in what appears at first glance to just be a robbery attempt.  Things start to smell fishy straight-off, however, when one of the burglars admits to being a retired CIA officer.  Woodward starts poking around and discovers that all five men have ties to the Committee to Re-elect the President.  Bernstein, a senior reporter, comes on board because he has numerous connections.  With a little help from a confidential deep background source, affectionately known as Deep Throat (Hal Holbrook) to keep them on the right track, Woodward and Bernstein follow the money trail all the way up to the highest levels of the U.S. government. 

This is an important story and one that should never be forgotten.  Two regular citizens, through patience and dedication, were able to take on a Goliath of corruption and affect massive change.

You get an extra post today because yesterday was a holiday (Martin Luther King, Jr. Day) which I completely failed to mention.  Also, you might get another one today because it's snowing here and they sent us home early from work. But only if you're good.

The Sum of All Fears (2002)

  Rob and I were trying to go see The Wolf of Wall Street yesterday, but the timing didn't work out so we went to Best Buy instead.  Rob is a big fan of the Tom Clancy movie adaptations and, thanks to him, I have now seen all of them except Patriot Games. 

Jack Ryan (Ben Affleck) is a CIA analyst working the Russian desk.  When the old Russian president dies suddenly, and a new guy, Nimrov (Ciaran Hinds) takes over it turns out Ryan is the only person to have ever written a paper on him.  Bill Cabot (Morgan Freeman) wants insight to Nimrov, since he appears to be a party hard-liner, especially on the issue of Chechen independence.  While inspecting the nuclear facilities in Moscow, Ryan notices that three key scientists are missing.  They begin to suspect that the scientists are working on an unattributable nuclear weapon.  Ryan doesn't think Nimrov is behind it but he's pretty much the only one.  When the bomb is detonated in Baltimore, in a clear attempt to kill the President of the United States (James Cromwell), Ryan has to race to get enough information to prevent World War III.

This doesn't come close to The Hunt for Red October in terms of quality but it's still miles better than Shadow Recruit.  It's been a while since I've read the source novel but I'm pretty sure it takes some glaring liberties.  Either that or it combined two novels into one. 

I wish I could do one of those time lapse things but it's a blog, not video so I can't.  It was going to bother me all day so I just checked Wikipedia.  In the book, the bad guys were Palestinian terrorists and angry East Germans using a false flag to look like Russians.  I can kind of see how, in 2002, you don't want to go with East Germans since they don't fucking exist anymore but it kind of irritated me that the Palestinian angle was left out.  To me, that makes more sense.  Still, I don't make the movies, I just watch them.

The Great Gatsby (2013)

Nominated for:  Best Costumes    On the costume front, this is certainly a compelling contender.  The Roaring 20's were a very identifiable time in America.  Drop-waist flapper dresses, bobbed hair, Arrow collars, spats, these are the hallmarks of a decade.  Baz Lurhman has never shied away from spectacle, and he knows the value of a good costume. 

Nick Carroway (Tobey Maguire) is a writer-turned-bondsman trying to get in on Wall Street's boom.  He moves out to the new money enclave of West Egg, Long Island, to a caretaker's cottage that happens to be next door to a fabulously wealthy and mysterious man named Jay Gatsby (Leonardo DiCaprio).  He becomes a friend and confidante of Gatsby's, even going so far as to help Gatsby reconnect with the love of his life:  Nick's cousin Daisy (Carey Mulligan).  Daisy happens to be married to old-money scion Tom Buchannan (Joel Edgarton), who is none too thrilled to have his wife start hanging out with some up-start.

I will fully admit, I never read this book in school.  I got about a quarter in, got bored, and stopped.  It wasn't interesting to me at all.  So I can't tell you whether or not this is a faithful adaptation.  I would imagine it's pretty close but with a lot more sequins.

People raved about the soundtrack more than any movie that came out last year, but I can't say I was terribly impressed.  I imagine it looked very good on the big screen and in 3D.  Some of the swooping camera work would have been very immersive.  As far as the characters and story go, the moral I got was rich people are assholes.  The richer they are, the more of a dick they are.  Tom is a slavering brute, Daisy a weak-willed coward, Gatsby a manipulator, and poor relation Nick the only moral compass.  I feel like this is one of those films that will grow on you, however, with repeated viewings.  It's certainly a beautiful movie.

Jack Ryan: Shadow Recruit (2014)

  No, it's not nominated for anything.  Don't worry, the Oscar posts are coming, but I promised Rob I'd see this with him.

Jack Ryan (Chris Pine) is a student at the London School of Economics when 9/11 happens.  He immediately joins the Marines and is commissioned as a lieutenant.  His helicopter is shot down over Afghanistan, ending his military career, but allowing him to meet med student Kathy (Keira Knightley).  During his recovery, he is approached by CIA officer Thomas Harper (Kevin Costner) and offered a job.  Fast forward ten years and Ryan is working in Wall Street, monitoring overseas accounts and sending information to the CIA.  He notices that a Russian client (Kenneth Branagh) has been hiding massive currency transactions and travels to Moscow to investigate.

I kind of wish they hadn't decided to go with Tom Clancy's character.  I get that updating the background allows them to make Jack Ryan younger, allowing more time for Chris Pine to hopefully anchor a franchise but this just didn't feel like a Jack Ryan story.  It seemed like a generic spy movie that had been dumbed down in order to spend more time on its three stars. 

For instance, at some point Jack and Kathy are out to dinner with Cherevin, the bad guy.  They pretend-fight so Kathy can keep Cherevin occupied while Jack breaks into his office and hacks his computer.  Because the CIA could only afford to send one agent to Moscow?  And he had to ask his girlfriend for help?  No, it's because Chris Pine and Keira Knightley are gorgeous people and you want them on screen for as much of the running time as possible.  This is a business decision, not a story one. 

Thing is, it's not a terrible movie.  I found myself tensing up during the action scenes, which is exactly how you should feel.  Pine is very charismatic and fully worthy of leading roles.  Knightley's American accent has gotten much better, and Kenneth Branagh does a good evil Russian.  I wish the story had lived up to the acting.

The Art of the Steal (2009)

  This is one of those documentaries that you watch and you immediately have to tell everyone you know about it.  Or at least I do.  Maybe I'm just easily swayed.

I don't know how much you know about private art collections in the U.S.  All I know is that I don't have one.  But this guy, Albert Barnes, he had a beaut.  Back in the 40's, Barnes went to Europe and fell in love with post-Impressionist paintings.  So he bought a ton of them, came home to Philadelphia, and put on an exhibit for all the museums and cultural elite at the time.

They laughed him out of the room and called his art crap.

So he said "To hell with them" and moved all of his paintings to his house.  He slapped a Private Property sign on the front and turned the whole place into a private educational institution.  When the city realized that Picasso and Matisse weren't just flashes in the pan, they went back to Dr. Barnes who, presumably, told them to go fuck themselves.  He was so adamant that the city never make a dime off his collection, he willed it into a trust, endowing the Barnes Institute with $10 million a year to continue educating people and also stipulating that the art never be loaned, moved, or sold for any reason.  As a final slap in the face to the city leaders at the time, he appointed a small black college, Lincoln University, as the board of trustees.

Was he right to do this?  That's up to you.  Was he within his rights to do this?  Absolutely.  It was his stuff.

Here's where things get crazy.  Fast forward about fifty years and the collection is now valued at $25-35 BILLION.  That's a lot of incentive for people to get creative with legalities.

The documentary itself tells the story in an extremely entertaining fashion, like hearing someone tell a juicy piece of gossip.  It shies away from making anyone look too sympathetic, because it could have been very maudlin, and focuses on the wry humor and many ironies of the saga.  The end was a bit of a letdown, in fact, because I wanted the story to keep going.  I could have listened to these people talk all day.

Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid (1969)

  This is about the most charming pair of bank robbers you've ever seen.

Butch (Paul Newman) and Sundance (Robert Redford) are bank robbers, primarily, but they will hit an occasional payroll train.  Butch is the idea man and Sundance is one of the fastest guns in the West.  They used to run the Hole in the Wall Gang, but an attempted coup soured them on the idea of leadership.  After an angry railroad tycoon hires a posse of the best lawmen and trackers to hunt them down, the pair decide to try their luck in Bolivia.  They take Sundance's girlfriend, Etta (Katharine Ross), with them to help them learn Spanish. 

This movie really is all about the chemistry between Newman and Redford, one of the first great bromances.  They both sparkle here, giving Katharine Ross not much to do.  This is very much a jazz Western, with long stretches of photo montages scored by clarinet arpeggios.  It keeps the tone light throughout, even when things are not going well for our heroes. 

It's still very funny so if you like your Old West more Blazing Saddles than Deadwood, you'll probably enjoy it.

Oscar Nominations 2014

It's finally here!  The nominations for the 86th Annual Academy Awards were announced this morning.  There were the ones everyone was expecting, a few missing names that surprised me, and a couple of inclusions that made me question the validity of this medium.  I'll let you figure out which ones those are.  As usual, bolded titles are ones I have yet to see and links will take you to ones already reviewed.  If it's bolded and linked, it means I got to it after this was published, in case you're checking back on it.

Best Picture

American Hustle
Captain Phillips
Dallas Buyers Club
Gravity
Her
Nebraska
Philomena
12 Years a Slave
The Wolf of Wall Street

Best Actor


Christian Bale - American Hustle
Bruce Dern - Nebraska
Leonardo DiCaprio - The Wolf of Wall Street
Chiwetel Ejiofor - 12 Years a Slave
Matthew McConaughey - Dallas Buyers Club

Best Supporting Actor

Barkhad Abdi - Captain Phillips
Bradley Cooper - American Hustle
Michael Fassbender - 12 Years a Slave
Jonah Hill - The Wolf of Wall Street
Jared Leto - Dallas Buyers Club

Best Actress

Amy Adams - American Hustle
Cate Blanchett - Blue Jasmine
Sandra Bullock - Gravity
Judi Dench - Philomena
Meryl Streep - August:  Osage County

Best Supporting Actress

Sally Hawkins - Blue Jasmine
Jennifer Lawrence - American Hustle
Lupita Nyong'o - 12 Years a Slave
Julia Roberts - August:  Osage County
June Squibb - Nebraska

Best Animated Film

The Croods
Despicable Me 2
Ernest and Celestine
Frozen
The Wind Rises

Best Cinematography

The Grandmaster
Gravity
Inside Llewyn Davis
Nebraska
Prisoners

Best Costumes

American Hustle
The Grandmaster
The Great Gatsby
The Invisible Woman
12 Years a Slave

Best Director

David O. Russell - American Hustle
Alfonso Cuaron - Gravity
Alexander Payne - Nebraska
Steve McQueen - 12 Years a Slave
Martin Scorsese - The Wolf of Wall Street

Best Documentary

The Act of Killing
Cutie and the Boxer
Dirty Wars
The Square
20 Feet from Stardom

Best Documentary Short

Cavedigger
Facing Fear
Karama Has No Walls
The Lady in Number 6:  Music Saved My Life
Prison Terminal:  The Last Days of Private Jack Hall

Best Film Editing

American Hustle
Captain Phillips
Dallas Buyers Club
Gravity
12 Years a Slave

Best Foreign Film

Broken Circle Breakdown
The Great Beauty
The Hunt
The Missing Picture
Omar

Best Hair and Makeup

Dallas Buyers Club
Jackass Presents:  Bad Grandpa
The Lone Ranger

Best Original Score

The Book Thief
Gravity
Her
Philomena
Saving Mr. Banks

Best Original Song


"Alone Yet Not Alone" - Alone Yet Not Alone  (Disqualified!)
"Happy" - Despicable Me 2
"Let It Go" - Frozen
"The Moon Song" - Her
"Ordinary Love" - Mandela:  Long Walk to Freedom

Best Production Design

American Hustle
Gravity
The Great Gatsby
Her
12 Years a Slave

Best Animated Short

Feral
Get a Horse!
Mr. Hublot
Possessions
Room on the Broom

Best Live Action Short

Aquel No Era Yo (That Wasn't Me)
Avant Que De Tout Perdre (Just Before Losing Everything)
Helium
Pitaako Mun Kaikki Hoitaa? (Do I Have to Do Everything?)
The Voorman Problem

Best Sound Editing

All is Lost
Captain Phillips
Gravity
The Hobbit:  The Desolation of Smaug
Lone Survivor

Best Sound Mixing

Captain Phillips
Gravity
The Hobbit:  The Desolation of Smaug
Inside Llewyn Davis
Lone Survivor

Best Visual Effects

Gravity
The Hobbit:  The Desolation of Smaug
Iron Man 3
The Lone Ranger
Star Trek Into Darkness

Best Adapted Screenplay

Before Midnight
Captain Phillips
Philomena
12 Years a Slave
The Wolf of Wall Street

Best Original Screenplay

American Hustle
Blue Jasmine
Dallas Buyers Club
Her
Nebraska

What the everloving fuck, Academy?  Bad Grandpa?!  If I didn't know for a fact that the AMPAS members have no sense of humor, I would assume we had all just been pranked.  And to put it in Best Makeup and Hair, thereby robbing American Hustle of its combover glory?!  Are you shitting me?  That age makeup doesn't even look good in the trailers!

I'm going to stop thinking about that for a moment before I burst a blood vessel.  Let's talk about some of the other curveballs this year.  Not a single nomination for Lee Daniels' The Butler?  Or Rush?  And what is up with Inside Llewyn Davis getting nominated for Sound Mixing but not Best Original Song?  It was like the one non-animated musical this year!  I'm a little surprised Blackfish didn't get nominated for Best Documentary.  Maybe the SeaWorld lobbyists got to them.

Well, I have until 7 p.m. March 2nd to watch 48 films.  Between the theater, Netflix, and On Demand, I think I can get this done.  Keep checking back to find out.

Golden Globe awards (2014)

The Golden Globes were on last night!  Did anybody watch them?  I did.

Amy Poehler and Tina Fey hosted the event for the second time.  I still prefer Ricky Gervais, but the two ladies did a good job keeping the festivities moving along.  It seemed like there were a lot of people who were absolutely shocked at winning.  Some handled it well (Amy Poehler) and some did not (Jacqueline Bisset).  Everybody looked good, no trainwrecks that I saw, although some people's hair was a little haystack-ish (Alex Ebert, the composer for All is Lost).  The only bit that really flopped for me was the presentation by Melissa McCarthy and Jimmy Fallon where she was pretending to be Matt Damon.  That made no sense and wasn't funny.

On to the winners!

Best Supporting Actress in a Comedy or Musical Film:  Jennifer Lawrence for American Hustle

Best Supporting Actress in a TV Series, Mini-Series, or Made for TV Movie:  Jacqueline Bisset for Dancing on the Edge

Best Mini-Series or Made for TV Movie:  Behind the Candelabra

Best Actress in a Mini-Series or Made for TV Movie:  Elizabeth Moss for Top of the Lake

Best Actor in a TV Series, Drama:  Bryan Cranston for Breaking Bad (I didn't realize that he had never won before.  He has been nominated every year he has played Walter White and never won a statuette.)

Best TV Series, Drama:  Breaking Bad

Best Original Score:  All is Lost

Best Original Song:  "Ordinary Love" by U2 from Mandela:  Long Walk to Freedom

Best Supporting Actor in a TV Series, Mini-series, or Made for TV Movie:  Jon Voight for Ray Donovan  (this still hasn't come out on Netflix.  It's very annoying.)

Best Actress in a Comedy or Musical Film:  Amy Adams for American Hustle

Best Actress in a TV Series, Drama:  Robin Wright for House of Cards

Best Supporting Actor in a Film:  Jared Leto for Dallas Buyers Club

Best Original Screenplay:  Spike Jonze for Her

Best Actor in a TV Series, Comedy:  Andy Samberg for Brooklyn Nine-Nine

Best Foreign Film:  The Great Beauty

Best Actor in a TV Series, Mini-series, or Made for TV Movie:  Michael Douglas in Behind the Candelabra

Best Animated Feature:  Frozen

Best Actress in a TV Series, Comedy:  Amy Poehler for Parks and Recreation

Cecil B. DeMille Award:  Woody Allen, but accepted by Diane Keaton (who gave the most rambling, disjointed speech.  I swear, that has to be a pre-requisite for accepting that award.  It would explain Jodie Foster's speech from last year.)

Best Director:  Alfonso Cuaron for Gravity

Best TV Series, Comedy:  Brooklyn Nine-Nine

Best Actor in a Comedy or Musical Film:  Leonardo DiCaprio for The Wolf of Wall Street

Best Comedy or Musical Film:  American Hustle

Best Actress in a Drama Film:  Cate Blanchett in Blue Jasmine

Best Actor in a Drama Film:  Matthew McConaghey for Dallas Buyers Club

Best Drama Film:  12 Years a Slave

Gamer (2009)

  This isn't an outright terrible movie, although that third act is pretty bad. 

In the near-future, a tech-billionaire named Castle (Michael C. Hall) discovers how to use nano-technology to remotely control other human beings.  His first creation is basically The Sims but with real people, the ultimate in virtual voyeurism.  Upping the ante, his next venture is Slayers, which pits death row inmates against each other.  If an inmate survives 30 battles, they are free to go.  The game's main star is Kable (Gerard Butler), played by a seventeen-year-old kid named Simon (Logan Lerman).  Kable is just looking to get out so he can get back to his wife (Amber Valleta) and daughter because, of course, he was wrongfully convicted.  For reasons that are never clearly defined, Castle will go to any length to keep Kable from winning, even adding in a non-player-controlled psychopath (Terry Crewes) to kill him.  Fortunately, a group of cyber activists called Humanz is willing to help Kable escape in order to keep Castle from turning the world into nano-puppets. 

Essentially, it's Death Race meets Call of Duty.  Your enjoyment of it will depend on how much either of those two things blows your skirt up.  I found the soundtrack to be an exceptionally lazy mix of electronica and Marilyn Manson, more suited to a movie from a decade earlier.  It's also one of those movies where the dialogue is very quiet and everything else is extremely loud.  I didn't outright hate it, but I wouldn't rush out to watch it again.  The dance number near the end was entertaining, though.

Ondine (2009)

  You guys....this is the second Colin Farrell movie I have liked recently.  Now I'm going to have to re-evaluate my dislike of Colin Farrell.  I hate doing that.

This was a beautiful modern fairy tale from Neil Jordan that was not batshit insane like his The Company of Wolves. 

Syracuse (Colin Farrell), an Irish fisherman, finds a woman caught in his nets one day.  His daughter, Annie (Alison Barry), believes the woman is a selkie, a mythical creature capable of turning into a seal.  Ondine (Alicja Bachleda) is eager not to be seen by the folk in Syracuse's town for her own reasons.  She goes out on the boat with him while he fishes and sings to the sea, bringing him a strange sort of luck.  Enough luck that even Syracuse starts to wonder if she is not actually a sea-creature herself. 

The whole film is shot in blues and greens and hazy grays.  That and the languid pacing lull you like a day out at sea.  If you let yourself go, this is a wonderfully sweet film with a touch of magical realism. 

American Hustle (2013)

Nominated for:  Best Picture, Best Actor, Best Supporting Actor, Best Actress, Best Supporting Actress, Best Costumes, Best Director, Best Film Editing, Best Production Design, and Best Original Screenplay     I actually saw this last weekend but I haven't had a chance to post about it.

For starters, this movie is insane.  Just balls-to-the-wall crazy.  Every scene was so nuts, you'd probably have to see it multiple times to fully appreciate it.  Of course, I might think that because I was so distracted by everyone's hair.

OH MY GOD THE HAIR.  I think this movie is a lock for pretty much every acting category at the Oscars (we'll find out if I'm right next week) but I also think that each character's hair should be separately nominated, as well.  Jeremy Renner's pompadour fought valiantly against Bradley Cooper's perm, but they were both overshadowed by the titan of Christian Bale's combover.  That combover should have gotten equal billing in the credits.

After his mistress and conning partner, Sydney (Amy Adams) is busted, mid-level con artist Irving (Christian Bale) agrees to help hotshot FBI agent Richie DiMasso (Bradley Cooper) in a sting to take down a corrupt mayor (Jeremy Renner).  Irving is willing to do an equal exchange in order to keep Sydney out of jail, but the mayor is just the tip of the iceberg.  Plus, Irving also has to deal with his manipulative, destructive wife, Roselyn (Jennifer Lawrence), who is all too happy to run her mouth to all the wrong people. 

With a cast this good, all of whom have worked with director David O. Russell before, there was no way this was going to suck.  Whether you like it or not will depend on your tolerance for New York/New Jersey accents, 70's music, and the word "fuck".  Jennifer Lawrence is pure poison but somehow still makes Roselyn likeable, instead of a caricature, Louis C.K. turns in a fantastic supporting role, and there's a surprise cameo that I won't spoil but it made me laugh so hard tears came to my eyes.

I still think The Fighter is Russell's best work, but that film is a fucking masterpiece.  This is a wild ride, however, and I think you'll be thoroughly entertained from start to finish.

Penelope (2006)

  I wish I had seen this a few years ago.  It is adorable.

Penelope Wilhearn (Christina Ricci) is a smart, sweet girl who just wants to be a horticulturalist but she has a little problem.  A few generations ago, her family was cursed that the first girl born to their line would have the face of a pig until she could find one of her own kind to love until death.  Penelope's mother (Catherine O'Hara) has scoured the globe to find a suitable blue-blooded match for her daughter, while maintaining constant vigilance against paparazzi.  One scorned photographer, Lemon (Peter Dinklage), who lost an eye trying to get a shot of baby Penelope manages to grab one of her terrified potential mates (Simon Woods) before he can sign a non-disclosure agreement.  Together, they plot an expose of the pig-faced girl.  Lemon locates a down-at-heels aristocrat named Max (James McAvoy) at a poker table and pays him to get in to the Wilhearn house with a camera rig.  Of course, Max begins to see the real Penelope and begins to have second thoughts.

This movie had so many recognizable people in it.  Besides the above names, there was Reese Witherspoon, Russell Brand, and Nick Frost.  The one weird thing was that about half the cast had American accents (either real or fake) and the other half had British accents.  It made it very hard to pin down where the movie was supposed to be taking place.  That lack of attention to detail bothered me.  I will say, this is probably my favorite James McAvoy role to date.  I have completely forgiven him for being in Atonement now. 

I don't know that I would buy it.  I will have to see how much it sticks with me over the next few days/weeks/months but it is definitely worth a rental and Netflix just made it available on streaming.  I can't make it any easier for you.

The Full Monty (1997)

  Magic Mike can suck it.  This is the original male stripper movie.

After the steel industry in their town dries up, the men of Sheffield find themselves at loose ends.  Jobs are scarce, times are tight, and there's a general feeling of defeat.  Gary (Robert Carlyle) is behind on his child support and his ex-wife (Emily Woof) is threatening to sue for sole custody.  Desperate, Gary comes up with an idea:  he and his friends will put together a strip show, in order to earn some cash.  He and his best friend Dave (Mark Addy) start recruiting after they blackmail their former foreman (Tom Wilkinson) into teaching them some basic dance steps.  Along the way, they learn some valuable lessons about believing in oneself, friendship, and how far a can-do attitude will take you.

You practically need subtitles to get through the Yorkshire accent, but it's worth it.  This may have been the very first truly British film I ever saw as a kid and it only gets better the more times you see it.

Pickup on South Street (1953)

  I watched this like two weeks ago and apparently never wrote a post about it.  What the fuck, me?

Candy (Jean Peters) is running an errand for her ex-boyfriend, Joey (Richard Kiley), when her purse is picked on the subway.  Unfortunately for everyone, Candy was under surveillance from the cops.  They quickly track down the pickpocket, Skip (Richard Widmark), but can't locate the missing microfilm.  Skip is one strike away from life in prison and is determined not to get caught by anyone.  The microfilm in question contains government secrets Joey is planning to hand over to the Communists.  He tries to use Candy to get it back from Skip, but she quickly changes sides when she learns her ex is a dirty Red.

I'm sure this movie was very thrilling back in the day, but it was a little too "woman-beating" for my taste.  Jean Peters gets slapped around pretty much the entire movie.  Richard Widmark was going for that James Dean kind of sneering cool but ends up looking like an asshole no woman in her right mind would date, let alone risk life and limb to keep out of prison.

It is a very focused, fast-paced film that tells a story and sticks to it, with no rambling into side plots or unnecessary dialogue to pad out the run time.  Frankly, that's kind of nice.  Sometimes it's enough to just watch a story go from A to B in a straight line. 

The Milk of Sorrow (2009)

  I really didn't know what to expect from this movie.  What I got was a potato in a vagina ten minutes in.

No joke.  I thought it was a subtitle error at first but, no, root vegetable in an orifice.  Ta-da!

Born during the Shining Path terrorist attacks in Peru, Fausta (Magaly Solier) has lived her entire life in fear.  Her family believes she contracted what amounts to an illness of fear from her mother's breast milk. Even after a doctor (Fausta gets nosebleeds and passes out when stressed) assures her family that "milk of sorrow" is not a real disease, they are not convinced.  The doctor is much more concerned with why Fausta has a potato in her hooha.  He warns her that having a rotting vegetable between her thighs will lead to life-threatening infections, but she is more afraid of rape than death.  Yep, that's right.  She put a potato in her cooch to keep from being raped.

When Fausta's mother dies she decides to have her buried in their home village.  Unfortunately, her family has spent every last dime they have on her cousin's upcoming wedding.  Her uncle tells Fausta that she needs to come up with the cash for a coffin and burial before the wedding day or he will bury her mother in the backyard.  Fausta takes a position as housemaid for a bitchy pianist and begins to slowly gain some control over her own life.

At first glance, this is not a movie that would appeal to the majority of people.  It is a slow-paced character study with minimal exposition on an unfamiliar culture.  It has very high expectations of you, the viewer.  If you are not familiar with South American history, the movie isn't going to tell you much.  It never mentions the Shining Path by name, nor its policy of mass gang rape as a means of keeping the locals in line. 

And yet, it manages to create a surprising amount of empathy for the main character.  That can probably be solely laid at the feet of Magaly Solier, whose expressive doe eyes and slow nervous movements do more to connect with the audience than any amount of dialogue.  Her sense of terror and trepidation is palpable.  I can't say that I enjoyed watching the movie because I don't think that's quite the right word, but I felt a realness from the character. 

The Croods (2013)

Nominated for:  Best Animated Film      It didn't quite make it into my top ten of the year, but it is a really cute movie.

After a rockslide demolishes their cave, the prehistoric Crood family must find a new place to live.  Rebellious teen Eep (Emma Stone) wants to follow the new guy, Guy (Ryan Reynolds), to a distant mountain.  Her over-protective father (Nicolas Cage) wants to just find a nice cave like the one they left and stay huddled inside where nothing can hurt them.  But, seeing as how the continents are moving and it looks like the whole world is ending, Daddy has to leave his comfort zone behind. 

It's nice to see some original animated works, instead of sequel after sequel, even though I'm sure this one will be franchised as soon as DreamWorks gets a chance.  That being said, can we talk for a second? 

Okay.  I know it's an animated movie, meant for children, heart-warming family fare, and all that jazz.  I've read books.  I know that men are hardwired to hate whatever mate their daughters choose.  It's science.  Usually, they settle for posturing instead of outright displays of aggression:  a handshake that's a little too hard, glaring, mentioning of how many firearms they own, that kind of stuff.  Still, I confess that I was slightly weirded out by how hard the dad tries to compete for his daughter's attention.  I mean, every other family they know that isn't their bloodline has been completely wiped out.  Then, when a eligible, age-appropriate suitor does show up, the first instinct is to drive him away?  That seems like a step down the evolutionary ladder. 

Still, minus the creepy overtones, this is a pretty hilarious, beautifully animated film that you and your whole family can enjoy.