Rogue One: A Star Wars Story (2016)

  I did manage to get to see one of the most anticipated (but not by me) movies of the year.  It was pretty good.  There were a few surprises that mostly had to do with technological advances and not with plot so I think I can talk about them without ruining the film for anyone still on the fence.

Jyn Erso (Felicity Jones) is recruited by the Rebel Alliance in order to draw out a former leader named Saw Gerrera (Forrest Whitaker) who has turned a bit too paranoid and bloodthirsty for the mainstream leadership to approach.  Saw has in custody an Imperial cargo pilot defector (Riz Ahmed) and the Alliance wants to make sure his information is genuine.  The pilot tells Jyn and her keeper, Cassian Andor (Diego Luna), that the Empire is building a weapon with planet-killing capabilities and that Jyn's father (Mads Mikkelsen) is the chief engineer.  Jyn is determined to get her father back but Cassian has other orders.

This is a prequel to A New Hope and it does a solid job of telling a story that was essentially a throwaway line from that movie.  The real triumph here is managing to bring back characters from A New Hope and de-age them convincingly.  Darth Vader is easy; that's just a voice.  But Peter Cushing, who played Grand Moff Tarkin in the original film, died in 1994.  The filmmakers managed to superimpose his face on actor Guy Henry so seamlessly, it looked like he had walked from one set to the other.  I knew it was fake and I could still barely tell it was CGI.  It was astonishing.  That impressed me more than anything in the actual film, although my love for Alan Tudyk did gain some new heights.  Bless you, sassy robot.

The Legend of Tarzan (2016)

I hope everyone had a Merry Christmas and a Happy Yule.  For my peeps celebrating Hanukkah, happy day 6!  I was at my family's house for Christmas running around, trying to see people, and doing that holiday thing so I didn't get to see a lot of movies.    My mother wanted me to watch this with her, even though she had already seen it.  I was reluctant --not because I didn't want to watch it-- because she has a nasty habit of doing a running commentary through the entire film.  I swore her to silence and we proceeded apace.

Tarzan (Alexander Skarsgaard) has reclaimed his English title and name as Lord John Clayton, married Jane (Margot Robbie), and has generally given up his entire previous life as lord of the jungle until a delegation of lords requests that he return to Africa as an honored guest of the Belgian territory.  King Leopold of Belgium has claimed the entire center of the continent and sent his right-hand-man (Christoph Waltz) to secure the goods therein.  An American ambassador (Samuel L. Jackson) has serious reservations about the treatment of the locals and also petitions Tarzan for help.  Reluctantly, Tarzan bows to the pressure and returns to his birthplace only to discover that the request was a trap to deliver him into the hands of his sworn enemy (Djimon Honsou).

I'm going to have to watch this again.  There was just something off about the whole film.  I can't say it was bad but I don't know that it was good.  I don't think I was in the right frame of mind to watch it and really be engaged.  So I'm going to give the movie the benefit of the doubt and say that I will give it another shot at an unspecified point in the future.

The Notebook (2004)

  This is one of the most egregiously photoshopped posters I've ever seen, considering that doesn't even look like Ryan Gosling, much less the scene in the movie, where he had a beard.  This was the Christy pick for November.  I'm going to try to squeeze in the one for December in this last week but I don't know if I'll make it.  I just started watching season one of Stargate: SG-1, so that's going to eat up some time.

Allison (Rachel McAdams) and Noah (Ryan Gosling) are two Southern teens --yeah, I didn't believe that either-- who fall in love in 1930's South Carolina but are torn apart by rabid sea otters.

Just kidding.  But that would have been awesome, right?

Torn apart by class differences and WWII.  Seven years later, they rediscover one another but Allison is engaged to someone else (James Marsden).  Whatever shall she do?  Stay with the hot, rich, but terribly-dyed Marsden or throw him over for the tall, rippling ab-ed, but horribly bearded Gosling?

I know a lot of you are expecting me to viciously tear apart this movie because it's a sappy romance and I hate those on principle, but that's actually not my problem with this film.  Yes, the lead couple are obnoxiously happy and that makes my heart shrink by three sizes but that's not the worst part.

It's so boring.

Every scene that did not directly relate to the (overly contrived, saccharine) plot was so excruciatingly boring that I was almost grateful for the syrupy melodramatic parts.  The only thing that redeemed this movie in the slightest was the costuming.  Karyn Wagner earned her money and then some.  Otherwise, this just felt like a movie I had seen so many times before.  If you took out all the parts with Gosling and McAdams, this is Amour.  If you took out all the parts with old people, it's Atonement.  If that's your thing, then that's your thing and you should enjoy it.  For me, it's just something else to scour out of my brain and replace with more useful things, like late-night infomercials.

Stargate (1994)

I skipped the rest of the Star Wars movies because I want to see Rogue One in between Episodes III and IV.  I'm going to try and go this afternoon, but I have a lot of cleaning to do and I have to study for my last final tomorrow.  Next weekend is Christmas, which means I will be in Alabama with my family and may or may not be able to post anything.  I have to clean because I am having someone look in on my cat while I am gone and I can't let them see that I live like a trashcan raccoon.  I've never actually watched this movie all the way through.  I'd seen bits and pieces over the years and even a couple of episodes of the resulting TV series, but never actually sat down and watched the movie.  Shockingly, it still holds up.

A struggling Egyptologist (James Spader) gets the breakthrough of his life when he is asked to participate on research into an artifact that turns out to be an ancient teleportation device to the other end of the galaxy.  He joins a team of soldiers, led by Col Jack O'Neil (Kurt Russell), to explore the other side.  They find a race of human beings still speaking ancient Egyptian and worshipping an alien calling himself Ra (Jaye Davidson), the sun god.

The special effects are a little dated but nothing like what they should be, considering the age of this film.  Plus, it's nice to see Kurt Russell and James Spader in their prime again.  I don't know if Stargate is necessarily a "new classic" but it's at least worth watching.

Happy Birthday, Lola (2001)

  I don't even know how this ended up in my queue.  It's been there forever, though.  Worse, it was not worth the wait.

Lola (Ekaterina Guseva) is having a birthday but not a happy one.  Two men calling themselves Bim (Vladimir Simonov) and Bom (Sergey Askatov) have barged into her apartment and are holding her hostage.  They are professional assassins, and Lola's apartment happens to be the one with the best vantage of their target.

I think that I thought this was supposed to be a comedy.  It is not.  Or maybe it is in Russia, which makes me wonder about Russians as a people.  I found nothing funny in this.  There's no slapstick, no gags, just bizarre banter between the two killers and Lola frantically trying to signal for help from someone, anyone.  There's a lot of homophobia and just toxic masculinity in general.  I was not on board with that.  The movie wants you to think one of the hitmen is the "nice" one because he doesn't rape Lola the first chance he gets, thought it's clear that he expects to have sex with her at some point if she wants to make it out alive.

I will be the first to say I am not up to speed on Russian films.  I think I've only seen one legit in Russian, and a few English films made by a Russian director (who is technically from Kazakhstan but was born while it was part of the USSR).  If they are all like this, though, I'm okay with my lack of familiarity.

74th Annual Golden Globes Awards

It was almost like Christmas morning today.  I had forgotten the Golden Globes nominations were to be announced this morning until I started checking my usual websites, even though I had put it on my calendar and everything.  What a nice way to start off my last official week of class!

Here are the nominees.

Best Motion Picture, Drama
Hacksaw Ridge
Hell or High Water
Lion
Manchester by the Sea
Moonlight

All of these are getting rave reviews from critics, especially Moonlight and Manchester by the Sea.  I have seen none of these.

Best Motion Picture, Musical or Comedy
20th Century Women
Deadpool
Florence Foster Jenkins
La La Land
Sing Street

Oh my God, Deadpool is now a Golden Globe-nominated film.  That is amazing.  I have seen none of the rest of these and haven't even heard of two of them.

Best Actress, Musical or Comedy
Annette Benning, 20th Century Women
Lily Collins, Rules Don't Apply
Hailee Steinfield, The Edge of Seventeen
Emma Stone, La La Land
Meryl Streep, Florence Foster Jenkins

I've heard really good things about The Edge of Seventeen but I don't know anyone whose actually seen it.

Best Actress, Drama
Amy Adams, Arrival
Jessica Chastain, Miss Sloane
Isabelle Huppert, Elle
Ruth Negga, Loving
Natalie Portman, Jackie

All of these women are being praised for powerhouse performances so this might be the race to watch.

Best Actor, Drama
Casey Affleck, Manchester by the Sea
Joel Edgerton, Loving
Andrew Garfield, Hacksaw Ridge
Viggo Mortensen, Captain Fantastic
Denzel Washington, Fences

When was the last time you heard anything about Viggo Mortensen?

Best Actor, Musical or Comedy
Colin Farrell, The Lobster
Ryan Gosling, La La Land
Hugh Grant, Florence Foster Jenkins
Jonah Hill, War Dogs
Ryan Reynolds, Deadpool

Okay, I am low-key interested in seeing The Lobster because it's by the gonzo director of Dogtooth and that movie was batshit.

Best Supporting Actor
Mahershala Ali, Moonlight
Jeff Bridges, Hell or High Water
Simon Helberg, Florence Foster Jenkins
Dev Patel, Lion
Aaron Taylor-Johnson, Nocturnal Animals

Nocturnal Animals is getting some buzz as well.  Tom Ford is a clothing designer, so at the very least it should be beautiful.

Best Supporting Actress
Viola Davis, Fences
Naomie Harris, Moonlight
Nicole Kidman, Lion
Octavia Spencer, Hidden Figures
Michelle Williams, Manchester by the Sea

I really want to see Hidden Figures.  And it has a great soundtrack.

Best Director
Damien Chazelle, La La Land
Tom Ford, Nocturnal Animals
Mel Gibson, Hacksaw Ridge
Barry Jenkins, Moonlight
Kenneth Lonergan, Manchester by the Sea

Best Screenplay
La La Land
Nocturnal Animals
Moonlight
Manchester by the Sea
Hell or High Water

Best Original Score
Moonlight
La La Land
Arrival
Lion
Hidden Figures

Best Animated Film
Kubo and the Two Strings
Moana
My Life as a Zucchini
Sing
Zootopia

I bought Kubo and the Two Strings on the strength of its trailer but I haven't watched it yet.  Sing looks cute but it hasn't even come out yet.

Best Original Song
"Can't Stop the Feeling", Trolls
"City of Stars", La La Land
"Faith", Sing
"Gold", Gold
"How Far I'll Go", Moana

I have no idea what Gold is about, other than the obvious.

Best Foreign Film
Divines
Elle
Neruda
The Salesman
Toni Erdmann

Apparently, John Waters named Toni Erdmann his top pick for 2016.  Do what that information what you will.

Best Television Series, Drama
The Crown
Game of Thrones
Stranger Things
This is Us
Westworld

I am so far behind on TV.  You all know this.

Best Television Series, Musical or Comedy
Atlanta
Blackish
Mozart in the Jungle
Transparent
Veep

Best Limited Series or Made-for-TV Movie
American Crime
The Dresser
The Night Manager
The Night Of
The People vs O.J.:  American Crime Story

Best TV Actor, Drama
Rami Malik, Mr. Robot
Bob Odenkirk, Better Call Saul
Matthew Rhys, The Americans
Liev Schreiber, Ray Donovan
Billy Bob Thornton, Goliath

Best TV Actor, Musical or Comedy
Anthony Anderson, Blackish
Gael Garcia Bernal, Mozart in the Jungle
Donald Glover, Atlanta
Nick Nolte, Graves
Jeffrey Tambor, Transparent

Best Actor in a Limited Series or Made-for-TV Movie
Riz Ahmed, The Night Of
Bryan Cranston, All the Way
Tom Hiddleston, The Night Manager
Courtney B. Vance, The People vs O.J.: American Crime Story
John Tuturro, The Night Of

Best Supporting Actor in a Limited Series or Made-for-TV Movie
Sterling K. Brown, The People vs O.J.: American Crime Story
Hugh Laurie, The Night Manager
John Lithgow, The Crown
Christian Slater, Mr. Robot
John Travolta, The People vs O.J.: American Crime Story

Best TV Actress, Drama
Caitriona Balfe, Outlander
Claire Foy, The Crown
Keri Russell, The Americans
Winona Ryder, Stranger Things
Evan Rachel Wood, Westworld

Best TV Actress, Musical or Comedy
Rachel Bloom, Crazy Ex-Girlfriend
Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Veep
Sarah Jessica Parker, Divorce
Issa Rae, Insecure
Gina Rodriguez, Jane the Virgin
Tracee Ellis Ross, Blackish

Best Actress in a Limited Series or Made-for-TV Movie
Felicity Huffman, American Crime
Riley Keough, The Girlfriend Experience
Sarah Paulson, The People vs O.J.: American Crime Story
Charlotte Rampling, London Spy
Kerry Washington, Confirmation

Best Supporting Actress in a Limited Series or Made-for-TV Movie
Olivia Coleman, The Night Manager
Lena Headey, Game of Thrones
Chrissy Metz, This is Us
Mandy Moore, This is Us
Thandie Newton, Westworld

Minions (2015)

  Okay.  I have now seen more episodes of Pokemon: Indigo League than I ever wanted.  We also watched Ratatouille and and episode of Voltron before putting on Minions.

The Minions evolved solely to attach themselves to the entourage of the biggest, baddest creature they could find.  After a series of mishaps, they retreat to the Arctic Circle to wait out their dry spell but quickly become despondent with no one to follow.  Kevin volunteers to leave their icy home and venture forth into the world to find a new master.  He chooses Stuart and Bob to accompany him.  They make their way through 1968 America to Orlando, Florida to attend Villain Con, a convention for supervillains.  There, they win the attention of Scarlet Overkill (Sandra Bullock), the reigning queen of evildoers, and her sidekick/love interest, Herb (Jon Hamm).  Scarlet wants to be an actual queen so she and the Minions head for England to steal the crown.  The Minions, being Minions, proceed to ruin everything.

This was much worse than either previous entry in the Minion-verse.  Jon Hamm was the only bright spot and his scenes were few and far between.  Even my god-kids were pretty much over it and they love some shitty TV shows and movies.  The only one who still likes it is the 6-year-old, and even he didn't actually sit down and watch it.  I think he only picked it because it was familiar.

Moana (2016)

  This movie was awesome.  This review was supposed to go up last Monday, but I am actually glad I forgot because otherwise I wouldn't have anything to post today.  It's the end of the semester and a lot of stuff came due at the same time.

My godchildren are also visiting this weekend.  Right now, they are parked in front of Finding Dory but I'm sure Zootopia will be making another appearance.  I'm going to try to take them out tonight to look at the Christmas lights.  But for now, let's just focus on Moana.

Moana (pronounced Moh-AH-nah) (Auli'i Cravalho) is the daughter of a chieftain (Temuera Morrison) on a South Pacific island who dreams of exploring the open ocean.  She is convinced the solution to the failure of the island's fishing and coconut crops is out there.  Her grandmother (Rachel House) tells her that long ago, the demigod Maui (Dwayne Johnson) stole the heart of the goddess Te Fiti and lost it somewhere in the ocean.  Moana must retrieve the heart, find Maui, and convince him to put the heart back so that the islands will prosper.

That description does no justice to how good this movie really is.  I would even say it's better than Frozen.  The music is perfect, the story is predictable but extremely well-executed, and the animation is beautiful.  It is an excellent addition to the Disney line-up.

Star Wars III: Revenge of the Sith (2005)

  I'd like to give a big shout out to my friend Hollie for suggesting that I watch Star Wars:  The Clone Wars, the animated series, in between Episodes II and III.  I was shocked at how much even one season helped.  It added so much more depth by introducing characters and visuals before the movie.  The animation style was a little off-putting initially and I never had a particular character to identify with, so as a standalone it was a little weak for me, but as a precursor to the movie, holy shit, was it helpful.

There's really nothing that could save this film, though.

Anakin (Hayden Christiansen) is growing more and more fed up with the restrictions placed on him by the Jedi Council.  Chancellor Palpatine (Ian McDiarmid) has recommended him for a spot on the Council, which was granted, but without the corresponding jump in title to Master Jedi.  The position also comes with the caveat that Anakin report back on the Chancellor's activities.  Meanwhile, he keeps having nightmares about his wife, Padme (Natalie Portman), dying in childbirth.  All of this serves to push him ever closer to the Dark Side.

This movie clocks in at over two hours and it didn't need to.  Most of the action scenes are fine but every time Christiansen talks, an angel loses its wings.  I'm pretty sure being in this franchise destroyed his career.  Think about it.  This came out 11 years ago and have you heard his name in that time?  I haven't.  According to IMDb, he's been working pretty steadily but nothing like the scale of work that he should have had after the monstrous exposure he got from Star Wars.

Warcraft (2016)

  This was the Christy pick for October.  Two more and I will be caught up until 2017.

This is going to involve some discussion about the end of the film and various "reveals" so go ahead and consider this your spoiler warning if you choose to watch this, which I don't recommend.

The orcs' world is dying and they need a new home.  Their resident sorcerer, Gul'dan (Daniel Wu), has created a portal for them to enter another world inhabited by humans using an evil magic called the Fell.  A disgraced human wizard apprentice (Ben Schnetzar) is the first to figure it out and he runs and tells Lothar (Travis Fimmel) who is Somebody.  (I don't actually know what his position is supposed to be but he gets things done and his sister (Ruth Negga) is the wife of the king (Dominic Cooper) so he has to be somebody important.)  Anyway, Lothar gets the green light to involve the Guardian (Ben Foster), the magical keeper of the realm and they go off to determine what is going on with the orcs.  Meanwhile, orc war band leader Durotan (Toby Kebbell) is starting to think that Gul'dan might not exactly been on the up-and-up.  He uses captured half-orc Garona (Paula Patton) to pass a message that he'd totally be willing to meet with the enemy if they'll help him kill Gul'dan.

Okay.  Here's where I lost my cherubic good nature.

Durotan's meeting with the humans turns out to be a trap for both of them.  He is captured and challenges Gul'dan to a one-on-one fight in order to show his people what kind of asshole they are following.  Gul'dan uses the Fell to suck the life out of Durotan, which disgusts the orcs, but changes nothing.  Stupidly pointless death #1.

Durotan's whole tribe was to be killed but his mate (Anna Galvan) got away with their infant son.  She puts the bassinet in the river...in an alien world...where they are a non-native species with not even remotely close contemporaries...and turns to fight one of the pursuers unarmed.  Stupidly pointless death #2.

The king's men are hopelessly outnumbered and outclassed as fighters without Lothar.  The king comes up with a last ditch effort after remembering an obscure cultural bit about orcs:  status is conferred through the killing of people of rank.  He tells Garona that she should kill him and gain enough status to be someone of note to the orcs so she can stop the war.  Stupidly pointless death #3.

I understand that this is based off the absurdly popular video game World of Warcraft, gameplay of which revolves around unceasing war between humans and orcs.  For most people, I get that the game is fun, collaborative, and recreational.  It's just pixels.  I am not one of those people who believe that video games encourage real life violence.  People have always been violent.

However.  This movie is not glorifying a game.  This movie is glorifying war.  War based on a fundamental miscommunication that possibly could have been fixed diplomatically.  No one even tried.  Even the meeting between Durotan and the king was less "hey, my people are refugees who need a home" and more "let's kill the wizard."  Was there not a single person on the entire planet who thought "maybe we can negotiate"?  And the king's dumbass decision to have the one possible go-between --someone literally of both worlds-- stab him with a personalized dagger all but ensured that there would be no attempts at reconciliation because all the humans are going to assume she's a traitor who can't be trusted.  Which they do.  So the king has plunged his country and all his allies into unceasing conflict where thousands will die and millions will suffer against an enemy that literally can't retreat.  Boy, that sure does sound like fun.

TL;DR: This is the exact same plot as Star Trek VI, except without the Shakespeare and happy ending.