Miracle on 34th St (1947)

  Christmas week continues with a TCM classic.  

When Doris Walker (Maureen O'Hara) has to fire her Santa Claus for public drunkenness the day of the Macy's Thanksgiving Day parade, she's sure she's going to be fired.  But a replacement presents himself immediately.  Kris Kringle (Edmund Gwenn) is so popular, he's hired on to be the official Santa for Macy's flagship store, but the problem is that he thinks he's the real Santa.  And the store's official psychologist, Mr. Sawyer (Porter Hall), thinks that makes Kris a dangerous lunatic.  He conspires to have Kris committed, setting up a legal fight where the state of New York must decide a) if there is such a person as Santa Clause, b) if he is an official resident and eligible for employment, and c) whether or not he represents a danger to himself and others.

I did not remember this mostly being about the court case, but I may have been confusing it with the 1994 version with Mara Wilson and Richard Attenborough.  We watched both pretty interchangeably through my childhood.  But I haven't seen either one in a couple of decades so I could be mis-remembering both.

Anyway, the real villain of this movie is Fred Gailey, the lawyer.  Telling a woman you're sucking up to her kid so she'll date you is gross, undermining her parenting with said child in the interest of promoting your own beliefs is super gross, and volunteering her labor while you plan to undermine her parenting with an accomplice just makes you an asshole.  Honestly, telling a single mom that you're throwing away a safe, lucrative career to bring a bullshit publicity storm about Santa Clause in court that could have been settled in chambers and framing it as her problem because she "lacks imagination" is an egregious failure of emotional intelligence.

This Christmas classic is streaming on Disney+ and Paramount+.  Don't watch the colorized version.  It adds another year onto Ted Turner's life and we can't have that.

Tokyo Godfathers (2003)

  Merry Solstice, everyone!  Thus begins our round of Christmas movie offerings, courtesy of Movie Club, and it is getting Festive AF in here.  Content warning:  homophobic slurs, violence, attempted suicide, child endangerment

An unlikely trio of homeless people: Gin (Tôru Emori), an alcoholic, Hana (Yoshiaki Umegaki), a transwoman, and Miyuki (Aya Okamoto), a teenage runaway, find a baby abandoned in the trash on Christmas Eve and begin a journey to find the parents.  Along the way, truths are revealed, burdens are shared, and people learn what true family means.

This is considered a modern classic especially for Christmas but it was just okay for me.  I liked the characters and I thought the animation was really well done but the longer it went on, the less interest I had.  There were so many coincidences and random events that turned out to be really significant to the characters' pasts and it got really old for me.  But as always, your mileage may vary.  It's for damn sure better than Triplets of Belleville.  

Would I watch it again?  No.  Would I recommend it to people?  Yes. It's streaming for free on Tubi, the Roku Channel, and Amazon's ad-supported tier FreeVee.  Tubi is better about not making jarring cuts to commercial.

The War of the Rohirrim (2024)

  Wish I could say this was good.  Content warning:  dead animals, some blood, war violence

Héra (Gaia Wise) is the only daughter of Helm Hammerhand (Brian Cox), King of Rohan, and has grown up fighting and riding alongside her two brothers.  Helm wants to marry her to a prince of Gondor, to solidify alliance with that kingdom, but one of his nobles, Freca (Shaun Dooley), wants Héra to marry his son, Wulf (Luca Pasqualino), and challenges Helm in front of the entire court.  Helm kills Freca and banishes Wulf, who swears to tear Rohan apart until he gets Héra.

This was a lot of bloodshed over a dude not being able to hear the word No from a woman.  Also, a lot of patriarchal bullshit about how her only role is to bear heirs.  Very lame.

The character animation is beautiful.  The background animation is beautiful.  I just wish there had been any effort made to bring the two together.  There were scenes where characters didn't touch the ground while riding or moving and it was very jarring to the eyes.  And this movie cost a gazillion dollars!  It should not look like a shoestring budget, broke-as-shit Miyazaki knock-off.  

It goes on way too long, tries too hard to hammer in its Lord of the Rings setting, and tries to overcomplicate an extremely simple plot.  I love that someone tried to make an original story using the established universe.  I hate that it was this Gucci-with-a-Y ass movie.

Too Funny to Fail (2014)

  Well, I got in one documentary this year, at least.  

The Dana Carvey Show was a prime-time sketch comedy show that ran for seven episodes in 1996.  It starred Dana Carvey, coming off an incredibly successful run on Saturday Night Live, Robert Smigel, one of SNL's head writers, and then-unknowns Stephen Colbert and Steve Carrell.  It was intended to be edgy comedy that pushed the boundaries of what was acceptable in prime-time network TV but was hamstrung by network interference (ABC had just been bought by Disney), advertiser desertion, and struggled to find its audience after a lead-in of Home Improvement.

Obviously, the documentary is full of comedians so it's very funny.  Personally, I never liked Dana Carvey's comedy, I was slightly too young for his SNL days and none of his movies have particularly wowed me.  He does seem like he's very funny in person, though.  I have no memory of ever coming across The Dana Carvey Show.  I think all the episodes are on YouTube if you want to check them out.  The documentary is on Hulu.  Which also got bought out by Disney.  Which is darkly funny.

She-Devil (1989)

  File this under "crap movies that I unironically love," if you must.  Content warning:  dead animal (gerbil, dog), urine

Ruth (Roseanne Barr) tries to be a good wife and mother but it's hard when she isn't appreciated.  Bob (Ed Begley, Jr.) is an upwardly mobile accountant embarrassed by her frumpy appearance and gauche manners, so when he gets a chance to hitch his star (wink, wink, nudge, nudge) to beautiful glamorous romance novelist Mary Fisher (Meryl Streep), he abandons Ruth with the children.  Ruth has had enough, however, and she is not about to take this betrayal laying down.

The defense would like to call its first witness:  the gender politics are not that bad, considering when this was made.  Yes, the movie relishes the fall of Streep's Barbie-like character more than Bob's but it's not like he gets off scot-free, and she kind of has a redemption arc from being a home-wrecker.

"But Roseanne Barr!"  I know.  It was 1989.  I can't fucking change that.  Just like I can't change the fat-shaming inherent in the film.  I will say that Ruth's "glow up" remains firmly in the realm of achievable and realistic.  She doesn't have a drastic makeover, she just looks like herself with better grooming and wardrobe.  (There's a whole separate gushing conversation about Mary Fisher's transformation, but I don't have time to get into it because I have shit to do today.)

Is this movie a little dumb, a little (very) silly, and hugely dated?  Yes.  But I love it and I don't care.  It's streaming for free with ads on Tubi, the Roku Channel, and PlutoTV.

The Merry Gentlemen (2024)

  I know I said I wasn't going to do another one of these but then my friend was like "Let's do another one!" and I was like "Oh no" and she was like "Oh yeah" and I was like "why did you turn into the Kool-Aid Man and who's going to fix that hole in my wall?"

Ashley (Britt Roberson) was a Broadway dancer in the annual holiday show, Jingle Belles, for 14 years, until she was replaced mid-season by a younger dancer (Bella Shephard).  Lacking other options, Ashley returns to her small home town only to find that her parents' bar, The Rhythm Room, is financially underwater and if they don't get $30,000 by January 1st, it'll get turned into a juice bar.  So Ashley decides to put on an all-male revue, recruiting a hot handyman (Chad Michael Murray), hot bartender (Colt Prattes), hot brother-in-law (Marc Anthony Samuel), hot cab driver (Hector David, Jr.) and hot barfly (Maxwell Caulfield).  She teaches them like six routines in 2 days and turns them loose to rave reviews and an audience of twelve people.  Somehow, they still make money and it seems like all Ashley's plans are working out until she gets a call from her old boss (Meredith Thomas) offering her a raise and her job back if she will ditch that town and do the big Christmas show with the Jingle Belles.

I don't even know where to begin.  This is a movie for people that thought Magic Mike XXL had too much plot and characterization.  It's so two-dimensional it should count as an animated feature.  Nothing in this made sense.  A trope-y script is a given, I understand it's part of the draw of this kind of movie, but even the tropes made no sense.  Nobody fires their headliner without cause midway through a performance season.  But the movie is so committed to Ashley being blameless, because otherwise they'd have to add actual dialogue and humanity to basically a paper doll in a slouchy hat.  Also, everybody's hair is weird and plasticky.  

Clearly, I am not the audience for this.  I hope everyone involved had a very nice time on set and got paid a lot of money.  That's the only reason this should exist.  It's streaming on Netflix.  You can do better.

Rio, I Love You (2014)

  This is the third entry in the Cities of Love series.  It's a little uneven but I expected this.

A series of love stories swirl together in Rio de Janeiro.  A dancer (Rodrigo Santoro) struggles with a potential career change that would take him away from his girlfriend (Bruna Linzmeyer).  A man (Eduardo Sterblitch) tries to understand why his grandmother (Fernanda Montenegro) is living on the streets.  A cab driver (Marcelo Serrado) deals with a jet-lagged actor (Ryan Kwanten).  A sculptor (Vincent Kassel) tries to find inspiration in the sand.  

There were vignettes I liked more than others.  My least favorite was probably the one with John Turturro and Vanessa Paradis but there were enough "good" ones that I still feel really comfortable recommending this. 

It is a tourism pitch, of course, but holy shit is it a good one.  Every aerial shot of the city is stunning.  Gorgeous lighting and composition.  Anthologies are always a mixed bag but if you're in the mood for a whole bunch of different riffs on the concept of love, give it a shot.  It's streaming on Kanopy with a library card. 

The Jazz Singer (1927)

  Content warning:  blackface

Jack Robin (Al Jolson) wants to be a jazz singer but on the eve of his big break on Broadway, he learns that his father (Werner Oland), a cantor, is too sick to perform at synagogue.  Even though Jack has been estranged for many years for not following his father's footsteps, he feels conflicted.  Should he follow his dreams and sing secular music or should he listen to his parents and perform only for God?  

So this is the big one.  The first talking picture.  Without taking away that achievement, which was pretty remarkable, this isn't a particularly good film on its own merits.  The story is lame, the songs are crap, and it hasn't aged well (the minstrel routine he does is full-body cringe).  It's a historical artifact but really not worth watching outside of a film class.  Still, as a film nerd, I felt like I had to so I did.  And now I'm saving you all.  Don't watch this, even though it is on Tubi for free.  Watch Singin' in the Rain instead.  

In other news, I watched the first season of Mob Psycho 100 (the anime, not the live action) on Hulu.  The animation took me a while to get into, it's not a style I like, but I did really enjoy the story and the characters.  If you liked One Punch Man, it's done by the same people.  In fact, there's a cameo early in one of the episodes.  The first season is only 12 episodes so you can knock it out in a day.

Hot Frosty (2024)

  I had a whole post here but Blogger erased it.  Content warning: cancer

Kathy (Lacey Chabert) is not ready to move on yet after the death of her husband, no matter how many gentle hints or how much well-meaning advice she gets from her small-town, nosy-ass neighbors.  Then she wraps a scarf around a weirdly detailed himbo ice sculpture and suddenly she is responsible for a whole new living being.  Jack (Dustin Milligan) has only been alive a couple of minutes but he already knows two things: he loves Kathy and television is the greatest invention.  Things he doesn't understand include public nudity, the melting point of ice, and breaking and entering.  That last one brings him into the crosshairs of the local sheriff (Craig T. Robinson), desperate to be taken seriously.  Kathy has to keep her snowman on ice before the fuzz turns up the heat.

You see what you people have done to me?  This is not my bag at all, and I needed a goddamn Sherpa to help me navigate all the references (hint: if it seems like a weird non-sequitur, it's a reference) to other Netflix holiday movies.  I didn't even know they made that many!

Chabert has made a career of doing these and honestly, good for her.  Milligan I did not recognize but he was in Schitt's Creek and Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency so I have definitely seen him.  It did seem a little like a Brooklyn Nine-Nine skit because of Robinson and Joe Lo Truglio as the cops, but I wasn't mad at it.  It's pretty wholesome.

Anyway, this is a VERY SPECIFIC genre and chances are good, you already know if it's for you or not. If you're familiar with my rants about the Born Sexy Yesterday trope, this is another example.  And no, it is not less creepy if Sexy Baby Brain is a dude.  It's on Netflix.

Downsizing (2017)

  Tyler watched this on the plane back from our trip to Ireland in 2018 and laughed until he made seal noises.  I'm just now getting to it but we very clearly have different ideas of what's funny.

Paul (Matt Damon) is an average guy who just wants to feel like he's helping.  When he hears about a procedure that allows people to shrink to 5" tall, purportedly saving the planet by using a fraction of the resources, he is interested but has a hard time selling the concept to his wife, Audrey (Kristin Wiig), until a consultation shows that their standard of living would also shift and that as Smalls, they could live like millionaires.  He is all set to live in luxury, and then he meets Ngoc Lan Tran (Hong Chau), a Vietnamese dissident and political asylum seeker who was downsized against her will and lost a leg in her escape.

This is a good representation of what it looks like when privileged white people decide to help and get involved when people of color are already doing the work.  Paul means well, he genuinely wants to help, but he doesn't really know how and he's kind of a putz.  The movie is much nicer to Paul than I think is deserved, but I also understand that being mean to people for trying defeats the purpose.

Doesn't matter because the true star of this movie is Hong Chau.  Give her all the roles.  She is great.  Also, Christoph Waltz!  Remember when that dude was in everything?  So good.  

I don't particularly like Alexander Payne.  I think he makes smarmy movies for smarmy, self-indulgent people, but that's me.  Maybe you like this.  Tyler did.  It's currently streaming on Amazon Prime.

Foul Play (1978)

  This features way more Goldie Hawn than it does Chevy Chase.  You can almost pretend he's not in it at all.

An unassuming librarian (Goldie Hawn) looking for love finds herself drawn unwittingly into a complicated assassination plot involving an albino, the Catholic Church, and a man called The Dwarf.  

Man, this movie was a fossil (complimentary).  I wasn't alive in the 70s but watching this made me feel like I was seeing a historical record.  The soundtrack is by Barry Manilow, the hair is big, the cars are bigger, Chevy Chase is supposed to be funny, and everybody smokes.  Wild, lawless times.  

Hawn is effervescent and charming without being a man-crazy ditz.  Burgess Meredith has a supporting role as her neighbor with hidden depths and I could have watched them interact for hours.  Chevy Chase has the charisma of mold but like I said, he's really only in the last third of the movie.  Dudley Moore is one of those build-up characters that doesn't have a pay-off until the final act.  I thought he was just going to be a cameo so I was confused.  

This is not well-represented on streaming sites so you may have to dust off your VPN to find it but it's not terrible for a late-70s screwball comedy.

Wicked: Part One (2024)

  You people have no idea how much I loved the musical Wicked.  It's one of the only things I've seen twice (once in New York and once in D.C.).  I was utterly terrified when they announced a movie adaptation and had resigned myself to waiting until the dust settled before seeing it.  Then I got invited by a friend group to go to the theater and I couldn't say no (I'm the Yes friend).  

Born of a different complexion and possessed of incredible magical talent, Elphaba (Cynthia Erivo) has never fit in but finds herself offered the chance to study with the Grand Sorceress, Madame Morrible (Michelle Yeoh) at university.  This immediately puts her at odds with perky, rich Galinda (Ariana Grande) who craved Morrible's attention for herself.  Unexpected acts of kindness on both sides bring the two girls together but their friendship may not survive Elphaba's growing conviction that the Talking Animals of Oz are being systematically targeted for repression and destruction.  

The stage musical is only two and a half hours long start-to-finish so splitting the movie into two halves feels like a shameless cash grab.  I don't know if they're going to add more info from the book (which is nowhere near as fluffy and fun) or if they're just planning to stretch out the musical's second half the way they did the first.  We'll find out next year, I guess.

Obviously, Erivo and Grande can both sing and act.  I'm not the biggest fan of Grande (there's something really hollow about her that I can't quite put my finger on) but she is perfectly cast.  Jonathan Bailey will be recognizable to the Bridgerton crowd but this was my first exposure.  He plays Hot Himbo very well.  Jeff Goldblum was a surprisingly good singer.  Not sure why I thought he wouldn't be but I was still surprised.  Sadly, Michelle Yeoh is not strong on the one verse Morrible gets but A) she is a divine being and I forgive her anything and B) the role is mostly about acting and she's great at that.  I think I would have been even more lenient if the movie hadn't had Keala "This is Me" Settle in the fucking chorus line.  How are you gonna sideline-- You know, it's too early for my blood pressure to get that high.  We're going to let it go.

Speaking of "Let It Go" there are cameos from the original stars Idina Menzel and Kristen Chenoweth for the die-hards.  I feel like I shouldn't have to say this but it did come up in my screening: there is no post-credit sequence so you can leave whenever you're done.

It's a movie musical about female friendship and political activism with a pink and green color scheme.  You already know if that's going to be your jam or not.  Currently only in theaters.

Beautiful Creatures (2013)

Man, I did not remember more than a third of this movie, and nothing of the ending.  Ehrenreich continues to be the best thing about it.  He is effortlessly charming in a movie that rewards him not at all for it.  Englert is still stiff as a board but she did contribute a song to the soundtrack, I discovered.  Her character is written so blandly it's hard to hold her at fault.  Originally posted 27 May 2013.  This wasn't as bad as I thought it would be.  It's not great, but it didn't make me want to gouge out my eyes with a grapefruit spoon either.  

Ethan Wate (Alden Ehrenreich) has lived in the tiny South Carolina town of Gatlin his entire life.  A life that has been exceptionally boring until the arrival of Lena Duchannes (Alice Englert).  Lena is no ordinary girl, you see, as she comes from a family of magic users.  Every female of the family is chosen by either the Light or the Dark on their sixteenth birthday, without much in the way of say in the matter.  Lena's cousin Ridley (Emmy Rossum), for example, was chosen by the Dark and is now a man-eating, couture-wearing, Grade-A bitch on wheels.  Her family doesn't want Lena to go down the same path and they don't want her distracted by a cute boy just before the choice is made.

A lot of this movie made absolutely no sense and raised more questions than it answered.  I could probably look up answers, (I'm sure they're based on the book) but I don't care.  It's not worth that much interest.  The only thing that elevates this from Twilight is the charisma of its stars and much better dialogue.  Ehrenreich in particular manages to hold his own on screen with powerhouses like Emma Thompson, Viola Davis, and Jeremy Irons.  That's no mean feat.  Englert is a bit more generic as a leading lady but she's pretty and I'm sure she'll get work.

Pieces of April (2003)

  This had to be a Movie Club pick because I would never have chosen this.  Content warning: cancer

April (Katie Holmes) has invited her estranged family over for Thanksgiving.  But when her oven goes out while her boyfriend (Derek Luke) is out on an errand, April knocks on every door in their apartment complex, desperately trying to find an alternate stove.  

I would never have picked this because the synopsis didn't sound interesting, I don't particularly like Katie Holmes, and I really don't like micro-budget indie dramas about Feelings.  And I would have missed out.  This was super-relatable on a lot of levels.  I, too, have been the Child Who Left and I also have a Complicated Relationship with my mother.  I have tried to plan a dinner and been overwhelmed at the thought of cooking a whole-ass turkey because Things Just Have to Go Right or Else.  

Families are hard.  They're hard when you like them and more when you don't.  And we are nose-diving straight into Family Season here for the next two months.  So give yourself a break.  Take a breath, go low- or no-contact if you need to.  Just cause they birthed you doesn't obligate you to tolerate shit you wouldn't from a stranger.  Love them when and how you can.  Love yourself too.

This is streaming on Tubi, Roku, the CW channel, and PlutoTV.  All with ads.  Sorry.

The Phantom of the Paradise (1974)

  This movie is bananapants bonkers and I don't know if I love it for itself as much as I love the idea of inflicting it on others.  But I love the latter reason a whole lot.  Content warning:  drug use, mild gore

Winslow Leach (William Finley) has spent his life writing a major cantata of the story of Faust only to see it stolen and bastardized by pop music impresario Swan (Paul Williams).  Discredited, disfigured, and disgusted, Leach sets out to sabotage Swan's music palace, The Paradise, only to succumb to the lure of fame and the talent of Phoenix (Jessica Harper), his muse and unrequited love.  But when Swan sets his greedy sights on Phoenix, Winslow knows he must destroy the monster once and for all.

There is A LOT to unpack in this movie.  It is Faust, Phantom of the Opera, The Picture of Dorian Grey, and a searing satire of Phil Specter and the history of rock-n-roll all tossed in a blender with a fuckload of cocaine and directed by giallo-noir pioneer Brian DePalma with a soundtrack of parody and an actual Faust musical written by the Muppets' "Rainbow Connection" guy who is also the villain of the movie.  Somehow it came out a year before Rocky Horror which feels like the fakest part but is true.  

In the words of the prophet Stefani, it is B-A-N-A-N-A-S.  

This was a major flop that has become kind of a cult classic but still isn't hugely known.  It's streaming on Amazon Prime and words truly do not do it justice.  If you liked Rocky Horror and its very lesser-known sequel, Shock Treatment, this will feel like a long-lost sister film.  If you didn't, stay far away.  

Venom 3: The Last Dance (2024)

  I saw this in October but my posting schedule was so packed I didn't want it to get lost in the shuffle.

Eddie Brock (Tom Hardy) and his symbiote Venom (also Tom Hardy) are on the run after things went pear-shaped in San Francisco.  Not only are they wanted by law enforcement in several states, they are also being hunted by an inter-dimensional monster called a Phage that wants them to unlock the astral prison of Nhull (Andy Serkis), the evil god of symbiotes.  

Normally, I think you can walk into a superhero movie with basic knowledge and you'll be fine.  This is not one of those times.  I don't know if I was just at my processing capacity for the week or if it had been too long between installments, but I needed a primer.  So make sure you refresh yourself on the previous two movies as well as the mid-credit sequence from No Way Home before you fire this up.  I think it will help a lot.

On its own merit, this is probably the weakest entry and I'm a little sad this is how it's going out, since it started so strong.  It felt wishy-washy and unsure of its direction which kind of also works as a metaphor for Sony-owned Marvel properties as a whole.  

When the movie works, it does so because of Tom Hardy's dual performance as Eddie interacting with Venom.  There's still magic there.  Everything else feels tacked on and generic.  It's still in theaters but it'll be coming out on streaming for the holiday season I would imagine.

The Unsinkable Molly Brown (1964)

  This wasn't nearly as good as I thought it would be.  

Molly (Debbie Reynolds) grew up poor and uneducated in the hinterlands of Colorado but determined that she was going to make something of herself... by becoming a rich man's wife.  John J. Brown (Harve Presnell) is technically rich but he doesn't care enough to show it.  He decides to woo Molly based on her personality but she very quickly informs him that he's going to have to put up or shut up.  So he becomes the richest man in the U.S.  Molly now has her dream of financial security, but it doesn't come with social inclusion.  The head of Denver society, Mrs. Gladys McGraw (Audrey Christie), has decided the Browns are too crass to associate with and given them the cut direct.  So Molly goes to Europe to gain a little sophistication, hobnobbing with aristocrats charmed by her directness and willingness to pick up the check.  But J.J. is tired of it.  He only ever participated to make Molly happy and as soon as he realized that was an ever-shifting goalpost, he was out.  Molly has to choose between her marriage and her posh friends, deciding once and for all what she really wants out of life.

Honestly, I was shocked anyone liked this broad.  Reynolds was almost terminally charming in real life but she grated on my nerves in this role.  She is the main character but all the big songs are given to Presnell.  For an introductory role!  And the songs themselves are terrible!  Repetitive and boring.  Reynolds deserved better than this.  Ed Begley, Sr. and Hermione Baddeley try but can't lift this movie out of the mire.  It's streaming for free on Tubi and I'd still like my money back.

In other news, I watched season 2 of Cheers, which still holds up pretty well, and season 1 of What We Do in the Shadows.  I liked it more than the movie so I'll probably watch season 2 eventually.  

Pearl Harbor (2001)

  The veterans and victims of Pearl Harbor deserved better than this.  Content warning:  war violence, blood

Two best friends, Rafe (Ben Affleck) and Danny (Josh Hartnett), join the Navy to become pilots.  Rafe chafes at being stuck stateside while war ravages Europe and takes an assignment to join the RAF in England, leaving his girl, Evelyn (Kate Beckinsale), behind.  Danny gets stationed in Hawaii and lo and behold, so does Evelyn.  Rafe gets shot down, presumed dead, and in their grief, Danny and Evelyn turn to each other.  Rafe returns, is unreasonably angry that people moved on, and throws the whole relationship into disarray.  Then the Japanese launch a surprise attack against the U.S. Navy ships stationed in Pearl Harbor in retaliation for cutting Japan's access to heating oil and suddenly, this love triangle seems a lot less important.

There's a decent Pearl Harbor film buried somewhere beneath the tons of melodramatic crap in this movie, but it would take a team of skilled editors to find it.  It was apparently written by Randall Wallace, the writer of Braveheart, a film whose dialogue is also silly and overwrought but carried far better by its actors.  I get that he was probably trying for Douglas Sirk melodrama levels but come on.  That's like comparing a toddler crying in a tutu to the Bolshoi.  

You know how I feel about Michael Bay.  

This is a three-hour bloated mess of tragedy porn and it's currently streaming on Hulu.

Paterson (2016)

  This was one of the most boring movies I've ever watched.  I hated every minute of Paterson but I loved Perfect Days.  Go figure.

Paterson (Adam Driver) is a bus driver in Paterson, New Jersey.  He leads a quiet, simple life with his artistic girlfriend (Golshifteh Farahani) and her horrible bulldog, Marvin (Nellie).  He drives the bus, listens to the passengers, writes his poetry, and goes home to listen to his girlfriend's newest hare-brained idea to get money and fame.  

I think I figured it out.  Hirayama from Perfect Days genuinely enjoyed his life, while Paterson seems to be silently screaming the whole time.  Could be wrong.  Could have been my circumstances coloring my interpretation, but that's my take.  Paterson hates his life and won't or can't change.  The difference between what Jim Jarmusch and Wim Wenders find interesting, I guess.  Really boils down their entire careers to Despair and Hope, respectively.  

Your enjoyment of this movie will hinge on whether you find it relatable, I'm guessing.  And how much you enjoy free word poetry, quirky desperation, and zero plot.  For me, that was zero amounts.  But it's streaming on Amazon Prime so you can check it out and see your own tolerance levels.  (Perfect Days is on Hulu.  Just sayin'.)

Ladder 49 (2004)

  A Travolta double-feature.  Remember when we didn't know he was a sex pest?  Good times.  

A decorated Baltimore firefighter (Joaquin Phoenix) is trapped in a burning building reliving memories of his life and career while his fellow firefighters work to rescue him.

This movie is fine.  It's a legacy Christy movie that I added to my queue in 2014 that I'm only just now getting to because it's been pretty hard to find.  Probably because it's not a standout in any way.  It is a minor entry in both main actors' resumés.  

Phoenix and Travolta are fine in this.  It doesn't demand a lot from them.  Robert Patrick, Morris Chesnutt, and Billy Burke support, along with a host of other That Guy actors.  The tone borders hagiographic, especially as it reaches the finale.  May or may not be a turn-off for you, depending on how you feel about public services.  I guess I thought it was going to be more like Backdraft, but there's really nothing similar (other than the obvious firefighting angle).

It's a weepy drama featuring manly men doing manly things while the one (1) female character stays firmly in the background.  Don't pay money to see this.  Use your VPN.

Be Cool (2005)

  This is one of those sequels I actually like more than the original.  It is like a time capsule of 2005, though.  Content warning: homophobia, racial slurs

Chili Palmer (John Travolta) is looking to get out of the movie business so he's of a mind to say no when his old East Coast buddy, Tommy Athens (James Woods), approaches him with an idea to do a musical starring a young up-and-coming singer named Linda Moon (Christina Milian).  Then Tommy gets shot in a drive-by by Russian gangsters and suddenly, Chili becomes very interested in the music business.

There are parts that have not aged well at all but on balance, it's still a good comedy.  Travolta reunites with Uma Thurman and Woods gets killed off really quickly, but the supporting cast is what makes this movie.  Cedric the Entertainer, Andre Benjamin, Harvey Keitel, Vince Vaughn doing The Most Acting, Danny DeVito, and an appearance so early in Dwayne Johnson's career he was still getting credited as The Rock.  There are musical performances by Milian, Aerosmith, and The Black-Eyed Peas featuring Sergio Mendes.  (I told you, time capsule.)  It could probably have been trimmed a little but I still like it more than Get Shorty.

It's old so it's playing on Kanopy, Tubi, PlutoTV, Roku Channel, and Amazon's FreeVee.  I watched it on my server.

A Private War (2017)

  Content warning:  war violence, dead children, blood, some gore

Marie Colvin (Rosamund Pike) is a war correspondent for the Sunday Times of London.  She struggles with alcoholism and PTSD, especially after losing an eye in Sri Lanka, from the horrors she's seen balanced against her need to bring the bloody conflicts of the world to public notice.

Seeing horrors sucks and will permanently fuck you up.  This is not news.  But considering that most of the events depicted take place between 2009 and 2014, it is apparently a lesson we have to continue learning.

Really wish there was a better biopic of Martha Gellhorn to pair with this because they seem like peas in a pod.  Pike does a great job imitating Colvin's distinctive voice while Jamie Dornan redeems himself from his Fifty Shades casting.  Stanley Tucci shows up in the last third but doesn't really do a lot.  Tom Hollander has a much bigger role but not the same name recognition.

A war movie is a war movie.  It never makes the point it thinks it's going to and it's depressing as fuck.  It's free on the Roku Channel but you'd probably be better off reading the Vanity Fair article it's based on instead.

Common Wealth (2000)

  Content warning:  bugs, rotting corpse, sewage, hoarding, some blood, homophobic references

Julia (Carmen Maura) is going through a rough patch after her husband (Jesús Bonilla) loses his job so like any good middle-class housewife, she gets a real estate license.  One of the first places she shows is so nice, she decides to temporarily move in, only to discover that the upstairs tenant has died.  As the firemen cart off his body, Julia finds what appears to be a treasure map.  The old man had won the lottery and then hidden his money in his apartment.  Now Julia finds herself in opposition to the other residents in the building as they each feel entitled to the cash.

This was a little slow for me at first but when it does pick up, it goes off the rails really quickly.  Julia is not sympathetic but she is entertaining and the Spy vs Spy machinations between her and the other residents go from comical to bloodthirsty at the drop of a hat (or an elevator).  

Maura is the centerpiece of this film and I don't think it would have worked without her.  She is pitch-perfect and even when she is making every single bad decision possible, it feels organic and true to the character.  She could have made Julia a greedy, vicious shrew but instead lands on this delusional optimism of just trying to have a better life.  She's an opportunistic inveterate liar but she's not a bad person.  

Unfortunately, you're going to have to dust off a VPN or shell out some pesetas of your own to watch it.  It's only available to rent or buy.  If you liked The Burbs or wished Mouse Hunt wasn't so fucking stupid, give this one a shot.

No Men Beyond This Point (2016)

  I generally like mockumentaries but this was a swing and a miss.

In a world where parthenogenesis has rendered men an endangered group, Andrew (Patrick Gilmore), has unwanted notoriety from being the youngest man alive.   A documentary crew interviews him, the family he works for as a caretaker, and various talking heads about what the societal shift means for men.

I have no idea what the larger point of this was.  It is billed as a comedy and parts of it are funny but it just doesn't seem to know who its audience is.  It makes sweeping generalizations about women including worldwide period synchronization, which is just fucking stupid, doesn't explain anything about the process of parthenogenesis --is it a choice?  Is it random?  What other options are there for women who don't want to be pregnant by any means?-- claims that the surviving men would be put in camps with their every whim catered to because they can't take care of themselves (implying that it's women's job to do), and even makes the incredibly bizarre claim that women would try to outlaw any sexuality because it's somehow a "gateway drug" to liking men?

Zero surprise that when I got to the end credits that it was written and directed by a dude.  A dude who has apparently never met a lesbian or picked up even one book of erotica.  Like I said, I have no idea what this was going for, but it comes off as a "Won't someone think of the Straights?!" propaganda.  It's currently streaming on Kanopy with a library card, Tubi and the Roku Channel with ads.  Not worth it.

Evil Dead 2 (1987)

  It's been ages since I'd seen this.  It's still not my favorite but it's miles away better than The Evil Dead.  Content warning:  gore, amputation, rats

Ash (Bruce Campbell) takes his girlfriend (Denise Bixler) to a secluded cabin in the woods owned by a professor (John Peakes).  Unbeknownst to Ash, Professor Knowby was working on a translation of an evil book of necromantic lore and accidentally unleashed it in the cabin.  His daughter, Annie (Sarah Berry), has the missing pages that will return it to whatever hell it came from, but will she get there before Ash is completely lost.

This film is really infamous for being almost an exact replica of its predecessor, except that it leans into the humor the first film only found accidentally.  A lot of that is due to the correct usage of Campbell's gift for physical comedy and rubber face.  Ash should have been in a full-body cast with the number of times he's thrown through walls, down stairs, and dragged through the woods.  Not to mention hit with firehoses of fake blood.  

If you're into B-horror or horror-comedy, this is probably already in your Hall of Fame.  It is a beloved cult classic turned actual classic that launched the careers of Sam and Ted Raimi, and turned Campbell into a horror icon.  It's currently streaming on Shudder with a subscription and Kanopy with a library card.  

Near Dark (1987)

  This is one of the worst vampire movies ever made.  Content warning: blood, dodgy consent issues

Caleb (Adrian Pasdar) is a small-town hick on his way to full yokel status when he spots Mae (Jenny Wright).  After a night of star-gazing (her) and showing off (him), Mae expresses some urgent desire to be home before dawn.  Caleb, presuming that she is trying to avoid being beaten by her parental figure, tries to extort sex in exchange for driving her home and gets bitten instead.  Turns out the ethereal drifter who waxed poetic about seeing the heat death of the universe is a vampire.  Go figure.  Mae's found family of amoral killers reluctantly take in Caleb as he turns, criss-crossing the southwest to avoid law enforcement, feeding on whoever they can scam, and trying to teach Caleb the ropes of immortality.  But Caleb already has a family and his father (Tim Thomerson) has been searching for him.

This is the watered-down, low budget knock-off of The Lost Boys that's only famous because it was directed by Kathryn Bigelow and stars all the people taking a break from filming Aliens.  Bill Paxton and Lance Henriksen are great, as always, but Pasdar can't escape being the Great Value Jason Patric.  Part of that is the script's fault.  Caleb is written to be as uncool and square as possible to contrast with the hedonistic cowboy-grunge of the vampires and also suffers from a strong shift in social mores about what's acceptable in first-date behavior.

The worst crime here is that there's no internal logic with regard to vampire lore.  It feels very half-assed whatever gets to the next scene, and that's really disrespectful to actual vampire fans.  Also, the movie feels homophobic without ever saying explicitly that.  The vibes are rancid is what I'm saying.

It's not currently available except for rental but it's totally okay to let this film slide further into obscurity.

Kwaidan (1965)

  Some bonus post-Halloween ghost content for your All-Souls Day.  

This is an anthology of four traditional Japanese ghost stories.

The Black Hair - a samurai (Rentarô Mikuni) regrets the choices he made in service of ambition.

The Woman in the Snow - a woodcutter (Tatsuya Nakadai) has a terrifying run-in with a snow demon (Keiko Kishi).

Hoichi the Earless - a blind monk (Katsuo Nakamura) is summoned to perform a historical epic for its victims.

In a Cup of Tea - a samurai (Kan'emon Nakamura) is tormented by a ghostly presence reflected in his teacup.

I don't throw the word "masterpiece" around very often so trust me when I say it.  Kwaidan is a masterpiece of Japanese cinema.  The scare factor of this is very low while the art factor is extremely high.  Every scene is basically a painting that moves.  It is a stunning film.  The performances feel a little wooden, a little stage-y, but it just adds to the vibe.  It does run a little over three hours but I did not feel it.  

It's streaming on the Criterion Channel and also (sigh) Max.  Treat your eyeballs.

31 Days of 2024 Horror - Day 31 - Cuckoo (2024)

  Happy Halloween!  Hope everyone enjoys their trick-or-treating/parties/demonic rituals responsibly and is extra nice to their goth friends because at midnight, we begin our long slumber until Christmas.  Content warning: blood

Gretchen (Hunter Schafer) reluctantly travels with her father (Márton Csókás), step-mother (Jessica Henwick), and mute step-sister (Mila Lieu) to a resort in the Bavarian Alps.  Gretchen hates it and wants to go back to the U.S. so when the creepy resort owner (Dan Stevens) offers her a job at the front desk, she seizes the opportunity to earn some cash.  Weird shit starts happening immediately.  Guests keep puking in the lobby, a blonde woman chases Gretchen down the road, she keeps losing bits of time, and a cop (Jan Bluthardt) wants her help tracking a serial killer.

I love cryptids!  Especially niche ones.  The only similar type I've seen is a character from Seanan McGuire's InCryptid series also described as a cuckoo, but that was based on wasps.  Monster design was good, story was a little basic but elevated by great performances from Schafer, Stevens, and Lieu.  Stevens in particular shines when he gets to play Weird Little Guys.  He gets to be a total Freak in this and we are all the better for it.  The Moonraker outfits, the weird flute playing, the German accent!  Like the anti-David Attenborough.  

Also, love a multi-layered meaning in a title!  Cuckoo as slang for crazy, as referring to the actual bird, a brood parasite, and also the phrase cuckoo child, how Gretchen feels alienated in her father's new family.  It's thoughtful and well put together from writer/director Tilman Singer.  It's currently only available to rent but it's definitely worth a watch.

31 Days of 2024 Horror - Day 30 - Longlegs (2024)

  It's Halloween Eve!  Content warning:  blood, dolls, child endangerment

An FBI rookie (Maika Malone) discovers she has a personal connection to a serial killer called Longlegs (Nicolas Cage) but the more she pursues, the weirder it gets.

This was almost great.  Very strong start, good effects, coherent storyline, main character is a little bland but clearly going for that Clarice Starling wounded deer thing.  Pacing could have been stronger for my taste but at least I wasn't bored.  Honestly, my problem* with this movie, the thing that keeps me from recommending it with my whole chest, is Nic Cage.  He is great in this!  Giving an outstandingly unhinged performance that still seems somehow restrained.  But he is always Nic Cage.  At no point, even under a pile of prosthetics (which looked great, btw), did he disappear into the character.  I always knew I was watching Nicolas Cage.  And that may just be me.  If your suspension of disbelief is stronger, please enjoy this well-crafted horror movie.  

It's somehow not streaming yet, which is annoying, but it is available for rent.  Might be worth it to you.  

*Okay, I lied.  I have two problems but the second one is very specific to me.  I am so bored with movies just saying "the Devil" or "Satan".  Lame.  Reeks of the 80s.  Name your demon.  Give me personalized lore.  There are literally thousands of them!  Pick a name!

31 Days of 2024 Horror - Day 29 - The Substance (2024)

  Might have to just face facts here and admit that I am not on the same wavelength as professional critics.  Almost all of their super-hyped horror films of this year have made me shrug.  Content warning: body horror, medical horror, moderate gore, blood

Elisabeth Sparkle (Demi Moore) has had a long career as an actress and fitness guru but discovers that her boss (Dennis Quaid) wants to replace her with a younger, hotter model.  Desperate to continue to feel relevant, Elisabeth agrees to an extremely off-the-books medical procedure/lifestyle called The Substance, that promises her a newer, better version of herself.  Literally.  Elisabeth takes one injection and her Other Self, Sue (Margaret Qualley), emerges from her spine, fully-formed and ready for auditions.  But as Sue's career takes off, the idea of switching back into Elisabeth becomes more and more odious, while Elisabeth grows more frustrated by the ravages Sue's "borrowing time" does to her body.  

There's a lot happening in this movie, very little of it good or nuanced or original.  "Women are obsessed with youth and beauty and That's Bad" is so tired as a concept.  Do we really need to re-hash second-wave feminism?  This also feels like a dig at motherhood.  Elisabeth literally births a younger version of herself and then feels robbed of said youth when Sue makes her own choices independent of Elisabeth.  It could have had something to say about the idea of making bad decisions in your youth leading to consequences as you age, but again that's not really new.  And yet, this movie won Best Screenplay at Cannes this year...

Conceptual problems aside, this was an incredible performance from Demi Moore who I have never seen be as snarlingly feral as here.  And of course the Academy salivates over beautiful women "uglying up" to play characters so I wouldn't be surprised if this nets her a nomination in a couple of months.  You can probably still catch it in theaters, but it's also on VOD now.  I'm not going to say don't watch it, because Moore and Qualley deserve recognition but you could get the exact same message from Death Becomes Her, which is streaming for free on Tubi.

31 Days of 2024 Horror - Day 28 - New Life (2023)

  Content warning: medical horror, some gore

Elsa (Sonya Walger) is hired to track down a young woman named Jessica (Hayley Erin) before she crosses the Canadian border.  She is hampered by a lack of information from her boss (Tony Amendola) and also by the recent diagnosis of ALS.  The closer she gets to Jessica, the more she realizes this is not a simple retrieval, but rather a matter of life and catastrophic death.

So this is basically "what if Plague Dogs but human woman" and I don't know how I feel about it.  Is this even horror?  Considering that most people are pretending so hard that Covid was a temporary inconvenience, it seems hallucinatory to suggest that we would spend any kind of time or money, much less a trained team, on contact tracing.  

This movie was assuredly not for me.  I kept getting annoyed by Jessica's "innocence" around her pursuit.  Like, girl, you woke up in a secure facility to see someone in hazmat gear.  Nobody puts that on because you're accused of a crime.  This is like the people who kept whining about "muh freedoms!" because they couldn't go to Applebee's for a couple of weeks while literal truckloads of bodies were overwhelming hospital resources.  Fuck that selfish shit.

This is only available for rent, currently, but you shouldn't watch it anyway.  Watch Outbreak or Contagion instead.

31 Days of 2024 Horror - Day 27 - Strange Darling (2024)

  If you want to talk about swinging for the fences, this sophomore effort by JT Mollner should be part of that conversation.  Content warning: blood, sexual violence, drug use

A kinky one-night stand between two strangers (Willa Fitzgerald and Kyle Gallner) leads to a bloody chase through the woods as part of a serial killer's murder spree.

It's non-linear storytelling in a throwback 70s style where each chapter (there are 6) upends what was learned in the previous one.  It challenges assumptions at every turn and maintains an absolutely breakneck pace for about 77 of its 97 minute runtime.  It's a shame the last 20 minutes are an unnecessary retread.

Mollner is obviously a rising talent but the name that surprised me the most in the credits was Giovanni Ribisi as Director of Photography.  Even more impressive, it's his feature debut.  Ribisi has had a 40-year career as an actor so presumably he's picked up a thing or two about cinematography along the way.  Still, a beautiful work and I really hope he continues with it.

It's not available on streaming but it is for rent.  It would have been a must-buy except for those last 20 minutes.  Maybe time will soften that blow.

31 Days of 2024 Horror - Day 26 - In Flames (2023)

  Another entry for Women's Horror where the horror is you're a woman and you live in Pakistan.  Content warning: intimate partner violence, some blood, constant threat of sexual assault

Mariam (Ramesha Newal) is trying to finish medical school but things are not going well at home.  Her mother (Bakhtawar Mazhar) has been suckered into signing away all of their finances and property to an Uncle (Adnan Shah) who is now evicting them and their lawyer (Naveed Kamal) doesn't think much of their chances because the law frowns on women inheriting.  To top it all off, Mariam is being haunted by her dead boyfriend (Omar Javid) because she can't admit that she snuck off to the beach on a date and got into a fatal motorcycle accident.

There are a couple of ghosts in this but the real spectre is o p p r e s s i o n.  It makes for a very depressing watch if you're a woman, and a very boring one if you're not.  Actually, kind of boring for women too, because it's not like any of this is news.  Men Being Shitty is a default setting in a lot of places.  

It's not out on streaming anywhere but you can rent it if you feel so inclined.  

31 Days of 2024 Horror - Day 25 - Lisa Frankenstein (2024)

  I had been waiting to see this one because I'm one of the rare people that actually liked Jennifer's Body when it came out and think it's only improved with time.  The reviews were not encouraging but see previous statement.  Content warning: blood, dismemberment, worms

Lisa (Kathryn Newton) doesn't fit in.  Not in her new school and not in her new blended family, despite the cheerful attempts of her step-sister, Taffy (Liza Soberano).  Lisa would rather spend time in an abandoned graveyard for bachelors than hang out at the mall.  A stray wish and a lightning storm sees one of the eligible dead brought back to life.  The Creature (Cole Sprouse) can't speak but he and Lisa don't need words to express themselves:  they have murder.  And a slightly dodgy tanning bed.  With every zap, The Creature comes back a little more.  But is it enough to find love?

Diablo Cody excels at writing witty one-liners that believably sound like teen slang.  Plot-wise, this is underdeveloped but seeing as it's parodying 80s teen comedies, that could be intentional.  Something tells me it's not, though.  Regardless, Cody has a gift for dialogue.  This is also the directorial debut of Zelda Williams and it is a solid first outing.  Could she have taken more risks?  Probably.  But it's her first feature with an original IP and that's pretty risky anyway.  

Sprouse is the standout performer here.  He is basically in pantomime the entire film, filling the Gen Z Edward Scissorhands/Benny & Joon silent heartthrob role without the problematic binge drinking.  (I hope.  Please, God, don't let Cole Sprouse secretly be a complete fuck-up.)  Newton is fine, she is a pro, but I personally thought she did a better job playing younger in Abigail than here.

Your enjoyment of this film will vary, depending on your tolerance for Cody specifically, teen girls generally, and slightly gross, juvenile humor.  I'll end up buying it because I think it'll age well but for now, it's streaming on Amazon Prime.

31 Days of 2024 Horror - Day 24 - Sting (2023)

  More spiders!  Well, just one but it's a really big one.  Content warning:  spiders, dead animal (parrot, cat, rabbit), some gore

Charlotte (Alyla Brown) is elated to discover a curiously intelligent spider in her grandmother's (Noni Hazelhurst) apartment.  On a steady diet of cockroaches, Sting grows and grows.  Charlotte even shows her off to the upstairs neighbor, Erik (Danny Kim), some kind of biologist.  Unfortunately, his specialty is in the Mad sub-category and he decides to see just how big Sting can get.  Antics ensue.

Remember how the last spider movie we watched was secretly about the pandemic?  This one is not!  It's about teenaged girls' feelings!  Big, scary feelings of loss and resentment and helplessness that get under your skin and turn all your organs into liquid-- okay, perhaps the metaphor breaks down there, but still.  

This is an Australian film set in Brooklyn, New York, presumably because no one in their right mind in Australia would take an unidentified spider as a pet.  It could have been set anywhere, really, there are barely any exterior shots and none that establish place other than Urban Center.

Your enjoyment of this will be based largely on two factors: 1) your tolerance for spiders that mimic noises and 2) how much you loved Little Shop of Horrors.  Sadly, not a musical but we can't have everything.  

The special effects are by WETA so no complaints there.  Performances are good, especially by child actress Brown, who probably has a long career ahead of her.  As an American, it was a little weird to see an "American" movie from somewhere else.  Everything was just subtly off, rang slightly out of tune, but not in a way I can really point out.  It was interesting in a kind of embarrassing this-is-what-it's-like-for-other-countries sort of way.  It's currently streaming on Hulu.

31 Days of 2024 Horror - Day 23 - Departing Seniors (2023)

  Another fun slasher!  Content warning:  homophobia, some blood, staged suicide

Javier (Ignacio Diaz- Silverio) is spending his senior year of high school hanging with is best friend, Bianca (Ireon Roach), crushing on a cute boy (Ryan Foreman), and trying to avoid the clique of bullies led by Ginny (Maisie Merlock).  A near-death accident caused by those same bullies gives Javier the ability to see glimpses of the future and past from objects or people via touch.  Now, he and Bianca must figure out who is killing seniors and masking them as a rash of teen suicides.

This is a fun, modern slasher that's not going to offer any real scares or surprises.  It's funny and witty with decent performances from the young leads.  The more emotional moments fell a little flatter than I would have liked, but it's completely fine for a group watch with your friends.  The only place I could find it was the Roku Channel, which means annoying ad breaks, but it might be worth it for you.

31 Days of 2024 Horror - Day 22 - Immaculate (2024)

  Boy, there sure are a lot of horror movies this year about forcing people into unwanted pregnancies.  I WONDER WHY THAT IS.  Content warning:  suicide, torture, dead animal (chicken)

Cecilia (Sydney Sweeney) knew that God had a plan for her after a childhood miracle resuscitation after drowning.  She plans to take her formal vows as a nun in the Order of Our Lady of Sorrows outside Rome, which is now a retirement home for old nuns.  But it turns out Cecilia figures into the plans of earthly figures too, as a virgin vessel for the Second Coming.

Of the two pregnant nun movies I've watched this month, I think Immaculate is the more successful story.  I hesitate to call it original but it is not shackled to an existing IP and **SPOILERS FOLLOW** at least has the guts to claim she's actually birthing Jesus 2.0, not the Antichrist.  **END SPOILERS**  I'm not familiar with Sweeney's body of work; the only other thing I've seen her in was Madame Web, but she seems to be nailing the wide-eyed innocent role.  

Like I said, the story is really derivative and you've likely seen everything in it somewhere else but if you just want background noise for a Halloween party, it's not terrible.  It's streaming on Hulu.

31 Days of 2024 Horror - Day 21 - Night Shift (2023)

  Content warning:  some gore

Gwen (Phoebe Tonkin) takes a last-minute under-the-table cash job pulling the night shift at a motel but soon finds that outdated appliances and weird décor aren't the only features.

This was cliche-ridden, derivative drivel and you can do better.  Tonkin gives it her all but she can't save the movie.  The twist isn't twisty, the ghost design is boring, and there's no tension.  It is as generic as its title and I don't feel like wasting any more words on it.  

31 Days of 2024 Horror - Day 20 - Hell Hole (2024)

  This movie is just okay until about the one hour mark where it suddenly morphs into pure hilarity.  Content warning: heavy gore, dead animal (horse), attempted suicide (gun)

An American fracking company in Serbia has been frustrated by both inclement weather washing out the road so they can't get their equipment to the site and by bureaucracy in the form of a pair of scientists making sure they don't disturb an endangered species.  They are finally given the okay to drill and immediately discover something organic beneath the soil, something that has been lying in wait since the previous century.

The CGI is janky, the dialogue isn't great, and the performances are pretty mid for about two-thirds of the movie.  I completely understand if that is too much time to spend before it gets good.  At no point is it unwatchable, but it is definitely C-list material until the third act. 

Readers, I laughed so hard I threw my back out.  Wild, shrieking, uncontrollable, bog-witch-in-the-night howls of laughter.  I encourage you to go in blind, like I did, but if you need more convincing, **SPOILERS FOLLOW** it's basically "what if unwanted pregnancy, but a man?" and post-Roe, it is very funny to see men react to the arguments women have heard for years.  **END SPOILERS**  It will definitely not be for everyone but if you like your horror monsters on the foam rubber side, gratuitous splatter gore, and an explicit reason why you never go ass-to-mouth, give Hell Hole a shot.  It's currently streaming on Shudder.

31 Days of 2024 Horror - Day 19 - Here for Blood (2022)

  Content warning:  heavy gore, blood

A demonic cult is after Grace (Maya Misaljevic) but first they have to go through her new babysitter (Shawn Roberts).

I don't watch pro wrestling.  It's just not a genre I find appealing.  It has started the film careers of a number of actors, though.  Too soon to tell if Shawn Roberts will be the next John Cena (complimentary) or the next Steve Austin (derogatory).  

This is more the style of slasher/splatter film I like.  I don't know if I'd go so far as to call Roberts' character a himbo but it's himbo-adjacent.  He's a big, maybe-not-the-smartest guy who is trying really hard to deal with a situation that started outside his comfort zone and progressively spirals from there.  

A lot of big, tough guys do action movies opposite adorable children and a lot of actors get their start in horror movies.  This is like if you combined Mandy and The Pacifier.  If you're in the mood for it, you'll have a pretty good time.  If you're not, it'll probably look like a dumpster filled with cheese set on fire.  Today, I was feeling it.  Your mileage may vary.  It's streaming on Tubi, which is about right for setting expectations.

31 Days of 2024 Horror - Day 18 - Lovely, Dark, and Deep (2023)

  Content warning: mild gore, cannibalism

People keep going missing in the Arvores National Park.  A fact that Ranger Lennon (Georgina Campbell) is all too aware of, given that her sister, Jenny (Letícia Assunção), was one of them.  Jenny's disappearance has haunted Lennon for years and now, she plans to use her first season in the back-country to search for answers.

I wish I could be nicer to this movie but it just didn't do anything for me.  I'm sure there are a bunch of people for whom the unknown is terrifying and if so, this is probably a great movie for them.  I needed clarity and I wasn't getting it.  Also, I don't camp so I don't really care what happens in the woods.  You go out there, that's on you.

If bugs and sleeping on rocks are your thing, give this a shot.  It's currently streaming on Kanopy with a library card and Tubi for free with ads.

31 Days of 2024 Horror - Day 17 - Somewhere Quiet (2024)

  Content warning:  abuse, discussion of torture, dead animal (dog)

Meg (Jennifer Kim) was kidnapped but escaped.  Reunited with her husband, Scott (Kentucker Audley), she agrees to spend some time with him at his family's summer house on a secluded Cape Cod beach.  It's the off-season so it should be a quiet place for Meg to work through some of the trauma she experienced.  Except Scott is clingy and pushy and his annoying cousin, Madelin (Marin Ireland), shows up and won't take a hint and Meg's nightmares are getting worse and all she wants to do is talk to Scott about it but he keeps telling her to write it in her journal and the goddamned dog won't stop barking and it feels like she can't take a single breath.  

This year's Get Out comes with a side order of gaslighting.  It's a little shaky and doesn't quite stick the landing as much as I'd like but for a debut full-length feature by writer/director Olivia West Lloyd, it's very promising.  Kim is a standout in the lead and it's nice to see the evolution of her character.  Of course this is another example of Women's Horror where the horror is you are a woman and no one listens to you.

If you like true crime podcasts, this is probably the movie for you.  It's currently streaming on Hulu.

31 Days of 2024 Horror - Day 16 - Exhuma (2024)

  This is a really good year for ghost stories!  Content warning:  dead animals, blood, some gore, infant in distress

A wealthy Korean ex-pat (Kim Jae-cheol) believes his family line is cursed so he hires a shaman (Kim Go-eun) and her team to cremate his grandfather's remains.  The team geomancer (Choi Min-sik) is deeply disturbed by the gravesite, which is nameless and alone atop a mountain, and the more the team digs into both the literal and metaphorical dirt surrounding the family, the more danger they find.

I love seeing the intersection of folklore and funerary rites.  I think it's fascinating.  So this movie felt tailor-made for me and I cannot be reasonable in my enjoyment of it.  Also, it's always great to see Choi Min-sik in stuff.  

There is a lot of Korean history wrapped up in this that may or may not send you down a rabbit hole of research, depending on your familiarity.  I have a very shallow background in Asian history but I didn't find it hard to follow.  It just made me want to learn more and isn't that all you can ask for from your horror movies?

Anyway, it's so so good and I highly recommend checking it out.  It's streaming exclusively on Shudder but I'm planning on buying this one.